Transcript for Podcast: "I Feel Snitty," Episode 22: "Crazy Collins, Constipated Castor, and Turkey Turley"
Podcast: "I Feel Snitty"
Episode 22: "Crazy Collins, Constipated Castor, and Turkey Turley"
Premiere Date: 12/11/19
Length: 10:19 (1,704 words)
Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/crazy-collins-constipated-castor-and-turkey-turley/
Transcript:
Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 22, entitled, “Crazy Collins, Constipated Castor, and Turkey Turley.” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki.
Over the past week, we’ve been subject to multiple House Judiciary Committee hearings. It started with four constitutional lawyer witnesses, in Noah Feldman, Michael Gerhardt, and Pamela Karlan, who were called by the Democratic majority. The only such individual called by the Republican minority was one Jonathan Turley. This week, GOP counsel Stephen Castor and Democratic counsel Daniel Goldman testified. Before I delve into my skit version of the hearings, I’ll try to provide a condensed summary of the proceedings.
Democrats treated the events as impeachment hearings. Republicans treated them as a defense attorney would treat a murder trial. Democrats sought concise answers, as well as elaboration on the Constitution, U.S. presidential history, law, and facts, while Republicans’ favorite word was “ambiguous.” Ranking Member Doug Collins likely asked Bill O’Reilly for advice, as he continually illustrated his firm belief that the louder you yell, the more accurate your words are. Meanwhile, Chairman Jerry Nadler proved on multiple occasions that it is possible to roll your eyes and bang a gavel at the same time. Yes, while Democrats wanted to know the truth, Republicans just wanted to provide reasonable doubt.
That brings us to my satire of the hearings. To prevent any confusion on the questioners, for Democratic questioners, I’ll speak as Chairman Nadler, and for Republican questioners, I’ll try to sound as demented as Ranking Member Collins.
Nadler: “Ranking Member Collins, would you care to make an opening statement?”
Collins: “Yeah, I would! What the hell is going on here? I mean, WTF, right? Isn’t that what the kids say nowadays? What the Frack? Seriously, what are these hearings all about? A stupid perfect phone call? Who here hasn’t made a phone call to a world leader before? No one! Period! End of story! These hearings are a joke. We’ve all made phone calls and I doubt any of us have been subject to impeachment. This is just ridiculous. I don’t know what else to say. Covfefe. That’s all I gotta say.”
Nadler: “Thank you, Ranking Member. I will now provide my opening statement. Facts are on our side. History is on our side. Logic is on our side. The law is on our side. Common sense is on our side. Evidence is on our side. The Constitution is on our side. The Bible is on our side. Everything is on our side, except for one thing - the devil.”
Collins: “Point of order.”
Nadler: “What’s your point of order?”
Collins: “Did you just say the devil was on our side?”
Nadler: “That’s not a point of order, but yes.”
Collins: “Point of order.”
Nadler: “Point of order denied.”
Collins: “Say what? The devil is not a Republican. He’s a Democrat. Read Two Corinthians.”
Nadler: “That’s not a point of order. We’ll now move on to questioning.”
Collins: “What is the matter with you? The devil is red just like the blue Democrats! Deal with it!”
Nadler: “For the last time, that is not a point of order. We’ll now move on to questioning, starting with the majority. I’m going to start by asking all four of our constitutional lawyers whether or not Donald Trump was guilty of at least one impeachable offense, starting with you, Mr. Feldman.”
Feldman: “Yes.”
Nadler: “Ms. Karlan?”
Karlan: “Yes.”
Nadler: “Mr. Gerhardt?”
Gerhardt: “Yes.”
Nadler: “Mr. Turley?”
Turley: “What does impeach even mean? If you spell it out, it says ‘I’m peach.’ Does this mean we’re, in essence, calling President Trump a peach? Is he really, though? When we think of Mr. Trump, is that the first fruit which comes to mind? Is he from Georgia? I, for one, don’t think there’s enough evidence to prove President Trump is a peach, and we need take this matter very seriously, for only three other times in U.S. history have we viewed presidents as potentially being peaches.”
Nadler: “No one is calling Donald Trump a peach, Mr. Turley. Impeach does not mean I’m peach. The question is, has the President of the United States behaved in a manner which necessitates him being removed from office?”
Turley: “Well, that depends on how he’s moved. Would he literally be picked up and moved by a couple of large men? Would he be dragged? Would a helicopter lift him up with one of those things, you know what I’m talking about?”
Nadler: “Yes, but I think you’re taking these questions far too literally, so I don’t think you need to continue.”
Collins: “Hey, allow the witness to finish answering the question!”
Nadler: “Very well. Mr. Turley, you may continue.”
Turley: “So, how would he be removed from office? There’s just so much ambiguity, I don’t think I can confidently say he’s a peach or not.”
Nadler: “We’re not saying he’s a peach! Moving on… Mr. Feldman, since you answered in the affirmative when being asked if Donald Trump had committed an impeachable offense, what specific offense did he commit which reaches the level of a high crime and misdemeanor?”
Feldman: “Well, I mean, trying to rig an election in a democratic society is the epitome of a high crime and misdemeanor, in my mind. If it’s not, we will ultimately be without democracy in this country.”
Nadler: “Ms. Karlan, the same question to you.”
Karlan: “I agree with everything my colleague said, but I would add this. Donald Trump is not a king. Just because he has a personal lawyer named Rudy doesn’t mean he can turn him into a football player for the Notre Dame Fightin‘ Irish.”
Collins: “Whoa! Wait just a minute here! You’re attacking America‘s Mayor now?”
Nadler: “I believe it was just wordplay, Congressman. Have you ever seen the film Rudy, with that kid from Goonies? Good flick.”
Collins: “Doesn’t matter! I’m going to milk this comment for all it’s worth - milk it like a nipple with two cows!”
Nadler: “I think you mean milk it like a cow with two nipples. They actually have four or more nipples, and they’re called teats.”
Collins: “You sure know a lot about cows and nipples!”
Nadler: “I learned it from Devin Nunes. Moo, bitch.”
Collins: “What’d you call me?”
Nadler: “I didn’t call you anything. That was directed toward Congressman Nunes.”
Collins: “But Devin isn’t here.”
Nadler: “He’s never really there.”
Collins: “Point of order.”
Nadler: “No. For my final question to the constitutional lawyers, I’d like to direct my attention to Mr. Turley. Mr. Turley, weren’t you in favor of impeaching Bill Clinton?”
Turley: “Yes.”
Nadler: “Why?”
Turley: “Because lying about committing an affair is an impeachable offense.”
Nadler: “So you thought there was enough evidence there to prove he was a peach?”
Turley: “A peach? I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Nadler: “Earlier, you said it couldn’t be proven one way or other that Donald Trump was a peach, so he wasn’t impeachable. Are you then saying there was enough evidence to prove Bill Clinton was a peach?”
Turley: “Bill Clinton is a person, not a fruit.”
Nadler: “…and Donald Trump? Is he a person or a fruit.”
Turley: “A person, of course.”
Nadler: “So did Donald Trump commit an impeachable offense?”
Turley: “No.”
Nadler: “Why?”
Turley: “Because he’s not a peach.”
Nadler: “Oh my God, I’m done with you! Moving onto the counsels. Mr. Goldman and Mr. Castor, I’ll ask you the same question. Did Donald Trump commit an impeachable offense? Mr. Goldman, we’ll start with you.”
Goldman: “Yes.”
Nadler: “…and how certain are you of this?”
Goldman: “100%.”
Nadler: “Mr. Castor, you may now answer…”
Castor: “I. Don’t. Think. He. Did. I mean, favors happen all the time, especially in politics. People dig up dirt on political opponents all the time in exchange for military aid like every day. What was the intent? What was the motivation? What was the context? What was ‘was’? Unless we crawl inside the president’s head, I don’t think we’ll ever know.”
Nadler: “So you admit there was a quid pro quo where the President of the United States predicated providing military aid to a foreign ally on them digging dirt on his political opponent, Joe Biden?”
Castor: “I’m not sure I’d use the term quid pro quo.”
Nadler: “Bribery?”
Castor: “Eh, I’m not sure about that either.”
Nadler: “Extortion?”
Castor: “I honestly don’t know what that word means.”
Nadler: “So you’re just not sure. Are you sure of anything?”
Castor: “I may have to get back to you on that. It’s like my wife always tells me, ‘If I held on every time you said to hang on, nothing would ever get done.’”
Nadler: “Was that supposed to be funny?”
Castor: “Wasn’t it, though?”
Nadler: “Don’t quit your day job. What is your day job? Why were you chosen to represent the GOP as their counsel?”
Castor: “You know, I’m not entirely sure.”
Nadler: “Okay, that’s it. I’m done here. Ranking Member Collins, you may now question the witnesses.”
Collins: “No further questions.”
Nadler: “But you haven’t asked any questions.”
Collins: “Yeah, I know.”
Nadler: “Very well. Would you like to make a closing statement?”
Collins: “Yes. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, our client is innocent. There has to be reasonable doubt, doesn’t there? I mean from peaches to cows to nipples, excuse me, teats, it seems apparent Donald Trump did nothing inappropriate which would necessitate him being removed from office. Russia didn’t even meddle in our election. It was some 400 lb. guy in Columbus, Ohio named Craig, who voted for Hillary Clinton. That’s who we should be investigating - a guy, who supported the losing candidate, in helping her win. It makes so much sense when you think about it, doesn’t it?”
Nadler: “Thank you, Ranking Member. I think the Ranking Member’s line of questioning was quite emblematic of the case the GOP has in defending Donald Trump - they’ve got a whole lot of nothing. Once again, moo, bitch. The prosecution rests.”
That’s it for today’s episode. I’ll see you again next week. Until then, check me out on PodBean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogpsot. This has been I Feel Snitty with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.
Episode 22: "Crazy Collins, Constipated Castor, and Turkey Turley"
Premiere Date: 12/11/19
Length: 10:19 (1,704 words)
Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/crazy-collins-constipated-castor-and-turkey-turley/
Transcript:
Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 22, entitled, “Crazy Collins, Constipated Castor, and Turkey Turley.” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki.
Over the past week, we’ve been subject to multiple House Judiciary Committee hearings. It started with four constitutional lawyer witnesses, in Noah Feldman, Michael Gerhardt, and Pamela Karlan, who were called by the Democratic majority. The only such individual called by the Republican minority was one Jonathan Turley. This week, GOP counsel Stephen Castor and Democratic counsel Daniel Goldman testified. Before I delve into my skit version of the hearings, I’ll try to provide a condensed summary of the proceedings.
Democrats treated the events as impeachment hearings. Republicans treated them as a defense attorney would treat a murder trial. Democrats sought concise answers, as well as elaboration on the Constitution, U.S. presidential history, law, and facts, while Republicans’ favorite word was “ambiguous.” Ranking Member Doug Collins likely asked Bill O’Reilly for advice, as he continually illustrated his firm belief that the louder you yell, the more accurate your words are. Meanwhile, Chairman Jerry Nadler proved on multiple occasions that it is possible to roll your eyes and bang a gavel at the same time. Yes, while Democrats wanted to know the truth, Republicans just wanted to provide reasonable doubt.
That brings us to my satire of the hearings. To prevent any confusion on the questioners, for Democratic questioners, I’ll speak as Chairman Nadler, and for Republican questioners, I’ll try to sound as demented as Ranking Member Collins.
Nadler: “Ranking Member Collins, would you care to make an opening statement?”
Collins: “Yeah, I would! What the hell is going on here? I mean, WTF, right? Isn’t that what the kids say nowadays? What the Frack? Seriously, what are these hearings all about? A stupid perfect phone call? Who here hasn’t made a phone call to a world leader before? No one! Period! End of story! These hearings are a joke. We’ve all made phone calls and I doubt any of us have been subject to impeachment. This is just ridiculous. I don’t know what else to say. Covfefe. That’s all I gotta say.”
Nadler: “Thank you, Ranking Member. I will now provide my opening statement. Facts are on our side. History is on our side. Logic is on our side. The law is on our side. Common sense is on our side. Evidence is on our side. The Constitution is on our side. The Bible is on our side. Everything is on our side, except for one thing - the devil.”
Collins: “Point of order.”
Nadler: “What’s your point of order?”
Collins: “Did you just say the devil was on our side?”
Nadler: “That’s not a point of order, but yes.”
Collins: “Point of order.”
Nadler: “Point of order denied.”
Collins: “Say what? The devil is not a Republican. He’s a Democrat. Read Two Corinthians.”
Nadler: “That’s not a point of order. We’ll now move on to questioning.”
Collins: “What is the matter with you? The devil is red just like the blue Democrats! Deal with it!”
Nadler: “For the last time, that is not a point of order. We’ll now move on to questioning, starting with the majority. I’m going to start by asking all four of our constitutional lawyers whether or not Donald Trump was guilty of at least one impeachable offense, starting with you, Mr. Feldman.”
Feldman: “Yes.”
Nadler: “Ms. Karlan?”
Karlan: “Yes.”
Nadler: “Mr. Gerhardt?”
Gerhardt: “Yes.”
Nadler: “Mr. Turley?”
Turley: “What does impeach even mean? If you spell it out, it says ‘I’m peach.’ Does this mean we’re, in essence, calling President Trump a peach? Is he really, though? When we think of Mr. Trump, is that the first fruit which comes to mind? Is he from Georgia? I, for one, don’t think there’s enough evidence to prove President Trump is a peach, and we need take this matter very seriously, for only three other times in U.S. history have we viewed presidents as potentially being peaches.”
Nadler: “No one is calling Donald Trump a peach, Mr. Turley. Impeach does not mean I’m peach. The question is, has the President of the United States behaved in a manner which necessitates him being removed from office?”
Turley: “Well, that depends on how he’s moved. Would he literally be picked up and moved by a couple of large men? Would he be dragged? Would a helicopter lift him up with one of those things, you know what I’m talking about?”
Nadler: “Yes, but I think you’re taking these questions far too literally, so I don’t think you need to continue.”
Collins: “Hey, allow the witness to finish answering the question!”
Nadler: “Very well. Mr. Turley, you may continue.”
Turley: “So, how would he be removed from office? There’s just so much ambiguity, I don’t think I can confidently say he’s a peach or not.”
Nadler: “We’re not saying he’s a peach! Moving on… Mr. Feldman, since you answered in the affirmative when being asked if Donald Trump had committed an impeachable offense, what specific offense did he commit which reaches the level of a high crime and misdemeanor?”
Feldman: “Well, I mean, trying to rig an election in a democratic society is the epitome of a high crime and misdemeanor, in my mind. If it’s not, we will ultimately be without democracy in this country.”
Nadler: “Ms. Karlan, the same question to you.”
Karlan: “I agree with everything my colleague said, but I would add this. Donald Trump is not a king. Just because he has a personal lawyer named Rudy doesn’t mean he can turn him into a football player for the Notre Dame Fightin‘ Irish.”
Collins: “Whoa! Wait just a minute here! You’re attacking America‘s Mayor now?”
Nadler: “I believe it was just wordplay, Congressman. Have you ever seen the film Rudy, with that kid from Goonies? Good flick.”
Collins: “Doesn’t matter! I’m going to milk this comment for all it’s worth - milk it like a nipple with two cows!”
Nadler: “I think you mean milk it like a cow with two nipples. They actually have four or more nipples, and they’re called teats.”
Collins: “You sure know a lot about cows and nipples!”
Nadler: “I learned it from Devin Nunes. Moo, bitch.”
Collins: “What’d you call me?”
Nadler: “I didn’t call you anything. That was directed toward Congressman Nunes.”
Collins: “But Devin isn’t here.”
Nadler: “He’s never really there.”
Collins: “Point of order.”
Nadler: “No. For my final question to the constitutional lawyers, I’d like to direct my attention to Mr. Turley. Mr. Turley, weren’t you in favor of impeaching Bill Clinton?”
Turley: “Yes.”
Nadler: “Why?”
Turley: “Because lying about committing an affair is an impeachable offense.”
Nadler: “So you thought there was enough evidence there to prove he was a peach?”
Turley: “A peach? I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Nadler: “Earlier, you said it couldn’t be proven one way or other that Donald Trump was a peach, so he wasn’t impeachable. Are you then saying there was enough evidence to prove Bill Clinton was a peach?”
Turley: “Bill Clinton is a person, not a fruit.”
Nadler: “…and Donald Trump? Is he a person or a fruit.”
Turley: “A person, of course.”
Nadler: “So did Donald Trump commit an impeachable offense?”
Turley: “No.”
Nadler: “Why?”
Turley: “Because he’s not a peach.”
Nadler: “Oh my God, I’m done with you! Moving onto the counsels. Mr. Goldman and Mr. Castor, I’ll ask you the same question. Did Donald Trump commit an impeachable offense? Mr. Goldman, we’ll start with you.”
Goldman: “Yes.”
Nadler: “…and how certain are you of this?”
Goldman: “100%.”
Nadler: “Mr. Castor, you may now answer…”
Castor: “I. Don’t. Think. He. Did. I mean, favors happen all the time, especially in politics. People dig up dirt on political opponents all the time in exchange for military aid like every day. What was the intent? What was the motivation? What was the context? What was ‘was’? Unless we crawl inside the president’s head, I don’t think we’ll ever know.”
Nadler: “So you admit there was a quid pro quo where the President of the United States predicated providing military aid to a foreign ally on them digging dirt on his political opponent, Joe Biden?”
Castor: “I’m not sure I’d use the term quid pro quo.”
Nadler: “Bribery?”
Castor: “Eh, I’m not sure about that either.”
Nadler: “Extortion?”
Castor: “I honestly don’t know what that word means.”
Nadler: “So you’re just not sure. Are you sure of anything?”
Castor: “I may have to get back to you on that. It’s like my wife always tells me, ‘If I held on every time you said to hang on, nothing would ever get done.’”
Nadler: “Was that supposed to be funny?”
Castor: “Wasn’t it, though?”
Nadler: “Don’t quit your day job. What is your day job? Why were you chosen to represent the GOP as their counsel?”
Castor: “You know, I’m not entirely sure.”
Nadler: “Okay, that’s it. I’m done here. Ranking Member Collins, you may now question the witnesses.”
Collins: “No further questions.”
Nadler: “But you haven’t asked any questions.”
Collins: “Yeah, I know.”
Nadler: “Very well. Would you like to make a closing statement?”
Collins: “Yes. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, our client is innocent. There has to be reasonable doubt, doesn’t there? I mean from peaches to cows to nipples, excuse me, teats, it seems apparent Donald Trump did nothing inappropriate which would necessitate him being removed from office. Russia didn’t even meddle in our election. It was some 400 lb. guy in Columbus, Ohio named Craig, who voted for Hillary Clinton. That’s who we should be investigating - a guy, who supported the losing candidate, in helping her win. It makes so much sense when you think about it, doesn’t it?”
Nadler: “Thank you, Ranking Member. I think the Ranking Member’s line of questioning was quite emblematic of the case the GOP has in defending Donald Trump - they’ve got a whole lot of nothing. Once again, moo, bitch. The prosecution rests.”
That’s it for today’s episode. I’ll see you again next week. Until then, check me out on PodBean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogpsot. This has been I Feel Snitty with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.
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