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GOP Candidate Political Ads...as I would like to see them...

Rick Santorum
"I'm a good gay-fearing, Jesus-loving, well-off, conservative family fan who is fearful of getting off. I oppose sex education. I oppose safe sex. I oppose abortion. It's pretty simple math and logic when you don't think about it. If we teach our children about all of the possible end results of having sex, they'll probably resort to using contraceptives for safe sex. With an increase in contraception-use, there too will be an increase in unwanted pregnancies and with that, abortions. It'd be like in baseball - if a batter hits a ball forward, he's more likely to have just struck out than someone who swung at strike three. I'm Rick Santorum and I approve this message. Unlike safe sex, be safe and vote for me."

Mitt Romney
"The liberal media wants you to believe I don't know what I want. Believe me, I know what I want. I want you to like me. I want you to like me when I'm pro-life and pro-choice, when I'm pro- and anti-Planned Parenthood, when I support my healthcare plan and reject President Obama's identical version of it. Like I said, I know what I want - I want you to like me. I'm Mitt Romney and I approve this message, unless you don't, then I don't either."

Ron Paul
"I don't believe in government. It spends too much money and has too much power. It never gets anything done. Make me the leader of our government and I'll make sure to keep an eye on it and continue to make sure nothing gets done. Every bill I get on my desk will be vetoed. Just because a person doesn't believe in government, doesn't mean he shouldn't be the leader of it. I'm Ron Paul and I approve this message, disapprove of government and approve being elected to rule the government that I disapprove."

Newt Gingrich
"I'm not a nice man. We don't want a nice man as our president. We want foreign leaders to be afraid of our president. Trust me, with a name like Newt, they'll be afraid of me. Think about it. Women don't like me. I've been married three times. Black, Mexicans, bearded ladies and slugs don't like me either. The most important people - old white men - are the only ones that like me. Let me tell you, after I'm elected and serve seven terms as your president, I will have flown to the moon in a hot-air balloon, lived on the moon for one term, made polygamy legal and will re-marry my two ex-wives and marry four more. Elect me and perhaps I'll marry you too. I'm Newt Gingrich and I approve this message. Elect me and erect me."
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