Most guys I know differ in opinion with me when it comes to sex. I now know at least one woman who does as well.
This isn't absolute of course, but more times than not (many more times than not), women need to feel a certain level of emotion for the person before they engage in sex with them and tend to become more emotionally attached following the act. Again, this isn't absolute, but more times than not, men don't need nor experience that with regard to sex, not as much anyway.
It reminds me of a quote from the film "When Harry Met Sally," where Billy Crystal says, "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
Often times, single men go out on Friday and Saturday nights in hope of the hook-up. Sure, some women may do this as well, but the majority just want to go out and have a good time, and to perhaps garner attention by dressing up and feeling attractive.
Even when the initial intent is that of a long-term relationship, if/when most guys have the opportunity to engage in intercourse with a woman, regardless of how early it is in the relationship, he'll likely give in to the temptation. It's typically not that way for women and they'll be more prone to being turned off by the early attempt to lure them into sex, as they'll likely feel the guy only wants them for that and that alone. Given all of this, it's kind of a given that men are (in general) more comfortable with the notion of casual sex than women.
This brings me to the question I ask in the title of this blog - when involved with a person, with sights on a potential long-lasting relationship, is the sex occurring too soon? I don't think there's a set number of dates a couple has to wait in order to have sex. I think it differs for each and every couple. What I do think is vitally important is for the two people, if they're truly wanting something happy and long-lasting, to establish a certain level of trust, feeling and connection before having intercourse. If the couple starts the relationship with sex, that will be the base, foundation and focal point of the relationship. They'll then have to try and progress on mental and emotional fronts, while attempting to regress sexually and that's nearly impossible to do. First off, a man's mentality typically alters when a woman agrees to have sex with him early in the relationship. His perspective goes from, "I really like what I know so far. I think we could have something special." to "That was great! I can't wait to do that again! She's going to be fun for a while, until I'm ready to settle down." She goes from a person he's wanting to get to know better to a sex toy. If the two people truly got to know one another and established a certain level of trust, care, understanding and connection before engaging in the act, the man's before-and-after thoughts would typically be very similar. He loves the woman, expressed that sexually and that vision of a happy, long-lasting relationship will still be in tact.
So, this is where I typically differ with men on - I want to wait. I'm not going to fully know, trust, understand, connect with and love a woman early in the relationship. Because of that, I'm not going to engage in the ultimate act of physical intimacy with her. Why would I experience that with a woman I didn't trust, to the point where I'd be paranoid about getting tested following the act? Why, with the emotional attachment it brings about (for me, anyway), would I sleep with a woman I didn't love on some level?
I spoke with someone not long ago who said he/she had to know his/her partner could sexually satisfy him/her before he/she got too emotionally attached to them, so in the off-chance the sex wasn't satisfying, it wouldn't be as difficult for him/her to pull away from the relationship.
He/She is entitled to their own opinion, but if he/she (or someone else who thinks similarly) is serious about finding a happy, long-lasting relationship, they'll likely have to change their philosophy. This philosophy makes it known that sex is the most important component to a person with regard to a relationship. The chemistry, connection, the mental or emotional components, the trust, love and understanding, none of those components are at the forefront in attaining, establishing and building on a happy, healthy, long-lasting relationship. Sex is an important component, but I think it's a mistake to make it THE most important. Like I said earlier, most guys will see a woman as someone to just have fun with in the bedroom if she gives in sexually too early. He'll think that's pretty much what she's in the relationship for as well and likely won't see her as something long-term. Also, as much as most people in their 20s or even 30s want to believe it will never happen to them, the sexual passion and frequency will slowly fade from the relationship. In some cases, it fades to the point of extinction. Given this, if the main focus on the relationship is sex, it may result in a fun-filled short-term relationship (or an unhappy marriage), but likely won't result in a happy, long-lasting marriage. On the other side of things, if the couple establish a certain level of trust, love and understanding, a certain chemistry and connection with one another, they will be much more likely to successfully make it through the fading of the before-mentioned sexual passion and remain happy in/with the relationship. This is another reason why I wait. If I were just looking for sex, then I wouldn't have to worry about much repercussions as far as the future of the relationship was concerned (well, unless I impregnated the woman, of course). However, I'm not looking for that. I'm looking for a long-term relationship, so I refuse to give in sexually early, because I think the relationship would ultimately be doomed if that occurred.
I'm not the only one who feels this way. Study after study has illustrated similar findings.
In a rather recent study, conducted by Professor Busby of BYU, he stated, “Regardless of religiosity, waiting helps the relationship form better communication processes, and these help improve long-term stability and relationship satisfaction."
The research concluded that "the longer a couple waited to become sexually involved, the better that sexual quality, relationship communication, relationship satisfaction and perceived relationship stability was in marriage ...”
A study conducted by the National Survey of Family Growth showed the following:
- Couples who have sex before marriage are more likely to get divorced.
- Women who have pre-martial sex increase their odds of divorce by about 60 percent.
- The more promiscuous you are before marriage, the more likely you are to commit adultery AFTER marriage.
In a study conducted by the Family Research Council, the following was shown:
- It was “found that 72% of all married ‘traditionalists (those who believe that sex outside of marriage is wrong) report high sexual satisfaction, about 31% higher than the level registered by unmarried ‘non-traditionalists’ (people who have no or only some objection to sex outside of marriage) and 13% higher than that registered by married non-traditionalists.”
Also, as one counselor affiliated with this study pointed out, “Real love can stand the test of time without physical intimacy. The sexually active lose objectivity.”
Like I said, I'm serious about finding a happy, healthy, long-lasting relationship and due to that, I'm going to wait.
https://www.google.com/#hl=en&sclient=psy-ab&q=study+waiting+for+sex+good+for+couples&pbx=1&oq=study+waiting+for+sex+good+for+couples&aq=f&aqi=&aql=&gs_sm=3&gs_upl=897l4890l0l5004l38l34l0l0l0l0l190l3259l16.16l33l0&bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.r_cp.r_qf.,cf.osb&fp=9a76dcb319f2a4f&biw=1286&bih=783
http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/news/20101227/theres-benefits-in-delaying-sex-until-marriage
http://www.frc.org/get.cfm?i=IS06B01
This isn't absolute of course, but more times than not (many more times than not), women need to feel a certain level of emotion for the person before they engage in sex with them and tend to become more emotionally attached following the act. Again, this isn't absolute, but more times than not, men don't need nor experience that with regard to sex, not as much anyway.
It reminds me of a quote from the film "When Harry Met Sally," where Billy Crystal says, "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
Often times, single men go out on Friday and Saturday nights in hope of the hook-up. Sure, some women may do this as well, but the majority just want to go out and have a good time, and to perhaps garner attention by dressing up and feeling attractive.
Even when the initial intent is that of a long-term relationship, if/when most guys have the opportunity to engage in intercourse with a woman, regardless of how early it is in the relationship, he'll likely give in to the temptation. It's typically not that way for women and they'll be more prone to being turned off by the early attempt to lure them into sex, as they'll likely feel the guy only wants them for that and that alone. Given all of this, it's kind of a given that men are (in general) more comfortable with the notion of casual sex than women.
This brings me to the question I ask in the title of this blog - when involved with a person, with sights on a potential long-lasting relationship, is the sex occurring too soon? I don't think there's a set number of dates a couple has to wait in order to have sex. I think it differs for each and every couple. What I do think is vitally important is for the two people, if they're truly wanting something happy and long-lasting, to establish a certain level of trust, feeling and connection before having intercourse. If the couple starts the relationship with sex, that will be the base, foundation and focal point of the relationship. They'll then have to try and progress on mental and emotional fronts, while attempting to regress sexually and that's nearly impossible to do. First off, a man's mentality typically alters when a woman agrees to have sex with him early in the relationship. His perspective goes from, "I really like what I know so far. I think we could have something special." to "That was great! I can't wait to do that again! She's going to be fun for a while, until I'm ready to settle down." She goes from a person he's wanting to get to know better to a sex toy. If the two people truly got to know one another and established a certain level of trust, care, understanding and connection before engaging in the act, the man's before-and-after thoughts would typically be very similar. He loves the woman, expressed that sexually and that vision of a happy, long-lasting relationship will still be in tact.
So, this is where I typically differ with men on - I want to wait. I'm not going to fully know, trust, understand, connect with and love a woman early in the relationship. Because of that, I'm not going to engage in the ultimate act of physical intimacy with her. Why would I experience that with a woman I didn't trust, to the point where I'd be paranoid about getting tested following the act? Why, with the emotional attachment it brings about (for me, anyway), would I sleep with a woman I didn't love on some level?
I spoke with someone not long ago who said he/she had to know his/her partner could sexually satisfy him/her before he/she got too emotionally attached to them, so in the off-chance the sex wasn't satisfying, it wouldn't be as difficult for him/her to pull away from the relationship.
He/She is entitled to their own opinion, but if he/she (or someone else who thinks similarly) is serious about finding a happy, long-lasting relationship, they'll likely have to change their philosophy. This philosophy makes it known that sex is the most important component to a person with regard to a relationship. The chemistry, connection, the mental or emotional components, the trust, love and understanding, none of those components are at the forefront in attaining, establishing and building on a happy, healthy, long-lasting relationship. Sex is an important component, but I think it's a mistake to make it THE most important. Like I said earlier, most guys will see a woman as someone to just have fun with in the bedroom if she gives in sexually too early. He'll think that's pretty much what she's in the relationship for as well and likely won't see her as something long-term. Also, as much as most people in their 20s or even 30s want to believe it will never happen to them, the sexual passion and frequency will slowly fade from the relationship. In some cases, it fades to the point of extinction. Given this, if the main focus on the relationship is sex, it may result in a fun-filled short-term relationship (or an unhappy marriage), but likely won't result in a happy, long-lasting marriage. On the other side of things, if the couple establish a certain level of trust, love and understanding, a certain chemistry and connection with one another, they will be much more likely to successfully make it through the fading of the before-mentioned sexual passion and remain happy in/with the relationship. This is another reason why I wait. If I were just looking for sex, then I wouldn't have to worry about much repercussions as far as the future of the relationship was concerned (well, unless I impregnated the woman, of course). However, I'm not looking for that. I'm looking for a long-term relationship, so I refuse to give in sexually early, because I think the relationship would ultimately be doomed if that occurred.
I'm not the only one who feels this way. Study after study has illustrated similar findings.
In a rather recent study, conducted by Professor Busby of BYU, he stated, “Regardless of religiosity, waiting helps the relationship form better communication processes, and these help improve long-term stability and relationship satisfaction."
The research concluded that "the longer a couple waited to become sexually involved, the better that sexual quality, relationship communication, relationship satisfaction and perceived relationship stability was in marriage ...”
A study conducted by the National Survey of Family Growth showed the following:
- Couples who have sex before marriage are more likely to get divorced.
- Women who have pre-martial sex increase their odds of divorce by about 60 percent.
- The more promiscuous you are before marriage, the more likely you are to commit adultery AFTER marriage.
In a study conducted by the Family Research Council, the following was shown:
- It was “found that 72% of all married ‘traditionalists (those who believe that sex outside of marriage is wrong) report high sexual satisfaction, about 31% higher than the level registered by unmarried ‘non-traditionalists’ (people who have no or only some objection to sex outside of marriage) and 13% higher than that registered by married non-traditionalists.”
Also, as one counselor affiliated with this study pointed out, “Real love can stand the test of time without physical intimacy. The sexually active lose objectivity.”
Like I said, I'm serious about finding a happy, healthy, long-lasting relationship and due to that, I'm going to wait.
https://www.google.com/#hl=en&sclient=psy-ab&q=study+waiting+for+sex+good+for+couples&pbx=1&oq=study+waiting+for+sex+good+for+couples&aq=f&aqi=&aql=&gs_sm=3&gs_upl=897l4890l0l5004l38l34l0l0l0l0l190l3259l16.16l33l0&bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.r_cp.r_qf.,cf.osb&fp=9a76dcb319f2a4f&biw=1286&bih=783
http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/news/20101227/theres-benefits-in-delaying-sex-until-marriage
http://www.frc.org/get.cfm?i=IS06B01
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