My fellow patriotic real-Americans, you have two choices this November - 1) A liberal, communist, socialist thug who would like nothing more than to take away all of your freedoms, as well as your children, playstations and baby hamsters or 2) Someone who wants to give the power back to the people so we can take this great country of ours back! I know who I'll be voting for - myself - because unlike my opponent, I believe in freedom.
Freedom - such a beautiful word, isn't it? So is "America". The two words just seem to go together like Snooki and Hooked on Phonics. I love this country and everything it stands for. I think...no, I KNOW that America is the best, greatest, most wonderful and beautiful, awesomest country in the history of the world of the universe of everything! The only thing greater than America is Jesus and my, how I love the Jesus. The Democratic candidate, sure, he might love Jesus as well, but he doesn't tell the people that. He seems afraid to do so and just lets his actions do the talking . That's not how we real Christians are supposed to act! So what if I was caught with three hookers the other night at a Motel 6 or that time just last year when I stole candy from a kid on Halloween because he dressed up like an illegal immigrant? That doesn't matter. Jesus forgives all, unless you're a homosexual. What does matter is that I'm not afraid to tell the people of the bestest country ever that I love the Jesus! That's all that really matters, my friends. If I cheat on my wife, does that really matter? No, of course not, because when she caught me fornicating with another woman, I yelled out to her that I loved her and because of that, she knew it to be true. My attorney thinks I'm in denial and may lose everything, but none of that matters to me, because I told my wife I loved her and I tell all of you now that I love the Jesus.
Going back to freedom, the Democratic candidate doesn't believe in it like we on the right do. We know what freedom is all about. Freedom is telling a woman she can't have an abortion if her life is in jeopardy. Freedom is telling a gay couple, who have been together for 15 years, they can't get married. Freedom is not providing women with contraception as part of their health insurance because it prevents ovarian cysts. Freedom is not allowing mosques to be built in real-America. That is freedom, folks. That's what we're all about - freedom! Those on the left, they think you - the people - are more like people than corporations. They de-humanize corporations. It's a fact - corporations are people. Doctors have said it for generations. I heard a doctor one time, I forget his name. It was something like Dr. Frankenputz. Anyway, he said and this is a direct quote - "Buildings have beating hearts. They breathe. They go through puberty. I've given several CPR treatment. I brought one back to life. I called her Sarah and am currently seeing a shrink about it. He said I need to get laid by a living, breathing person and I told him that I will - by Sarah." Listen to the good doctor - corporations are people. It's a refutable, I mean, irrefutable fact. Just like yours truly, it goes the other way too. I can look at any one of you and know that you're a corporation. It's science. It's fact. It's in The Bible. You over there. What's your name? Jeff? Your brother is Wal-Mart. You don't have a brother? Yes, you do. The woman next to you. Your name? Cynthia? Your husband is Exxon Mobil. You're a nun? I was wondering what that outfit was all about. Anyway, your husband is Exon Mobil.
That brings us to money and what I mean by that is taxes. My opponent wants to raise every single one of your taxes. Every one of you makes over $200,000, correct? I see some shaking of the heads. I'll take that as yes. So, since all of you and everyone else in this great nation of ours makes over $200,000, my opponent will raise all of our taxes. I know. He's crazy, isn't he? You are all job creators. Every one of you and every person in this nation is part of the 1%. It's true. What's that? Yes, you up front here? You're unemployed? You're still a job creator. Your absence from work provides a job for someone else. It's logic. Perhaps this person, we'll call him Joe Frenchkiss, the guy you created the job for, will create a job for you. See how that works? The job creator created a job for someone else by not having a job and the person they created the job for by not having a job winds up creating a job for him. Wouldn't that be a great story? I see a Hollywood movie in the works right there, hopefully without that evil liberal-bias. It could be called "The Frenchkiss Job" or something like that. We'll work on that. So hear me now, I vow to every one of you that when I am elected president, I will not raise taxes on any of you who make $200,000 or more a year. The only ones I may increase taxes on are people who make less than that, especially those who make under $20,000 a year. Who needs them anyway, right? Come on. But I promise I won't raise taxes on any of you, as all of you and everyone else in this country, all 100% of you, are part of the 1% and only a minority of people make up the 99%.
Lastly, when I'm elected president, I'm going to show the people how much I love our country and our freedom by proposing and signing a bill which would make it mandatory for every U.S. citizen to wear an American flag as part of their outfit every single day and to be provided a microphone and be forced to shout that they love America at least 12 times every day. Anyone who doesn't do this will be committing the act of treason and will be sentenced to at least 14 years in jail. I love this great country and even more, I love our freedom. It would be wrong, unpatriotic, anti-American to not love our country and freedom and let the world know about it. If anyone doesn't follow through with this daily illustration of patriotism, then I'm sorry, but you're going to jail. What was that? You in the middle there? I'm not wearing anything resembling a flag on me today? Well, I haven't enacted the law yet, have I? Security? Yes, get him out of here. I love, love, love freedom of speech in this country, almost as much as I love this country. Did I just say that? I think I did. I can't say it enough though. Come on, everyone, chant with me! America. America. America. Freedom. Freedom. Freedom. The Jesus. The Jesus. The Jesus. Very good! So, are you all ready? Are you ready to beat the Satanic, Muslim, elite, socialist, intellectual, terrorist-sympathizer in November? Are you ready to fight for America and her freedom as well as The Jesus? Then come vote for me and let's take this country back to the 1800s! God bless you all, unless you're gay, and God bless the United States of Real-America!
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