Short Story - If a Hard-Core Conservative Evangelical Applied to Become a Bartender

Mike Wright: "Hey, you must be Pee Wee Megatron. ::shakes his hand:: Oh, no, that's someone else. Isaac Smith, is it?"

Isaac Smith: "Yes, yes it is."

Wright: "Okay, have a seat. Beautiful day out, isn't it?"

Smith: "I suppose. You're not one of those global warming nuts, are you?"

Wright: "Well, it is 80 in January..."

Smith: "So?"

Wright: "...and this is Fairbanks, Alaska..."

Smith: "So?"

Wright: "Anyway, so I've looked at your resumé and I must say, I found it interesting. Let me start with this, since I didn't receive a very clear answer while reading this - What do you think qualifies you for this job? Have you ever bartended before?"

Smith: "No."

Wright: "Have you ever served anywhere?"

Smith: "I serve Jesus."

Wright: "Okay, that's great, but as far as jobs are concerned - waiting on tables at restaurants or bars - have you ever served?"

Smith: "I serve Jesus every day and through him, I serve the people."

Wright: "Okay, we'll get back to that in a bit. So, what do you think you bring to bartending which, from a business standpoint, would garner my attention?"

Smith: "I spread God's word, am very pro-life, anti-gay marriage, anti-Planned Parenthood and women frighten me as well."

Wright: "Alright. We're all entitled to our own beliefs, but..."

Smith: "They're not beliefs. They're facts. I heard it on the radio from Rush Limbaugh."

Wright: "Great, but you do realize that if you get the job, there are four things you're not supposed to talk about: 1) Sex...

Smith: "Don't worry. I don't believe in sex."

Wright: "You don't? Do you have kids?"

Smith: "Yes."

Wright: "Were they adopted?"

Smith: "No."

Wright: "Fascinating. ...but let me finish. The second thing you're not suppose to talk about is money..."

Smith: "I'll just talk about not ever raising taxes."

Wright: "No, you won't. Continuing on, you're not to talk about politics or religion."

Smith: "Well, if it's part of God's plan for me to talk about him, I will. I don't have a choice."

Wright: "Yes, you do."

Smith: "No. It's all in God's hands."

Wright: "Can you prove this?"

Smith: "Yes."

Wright: "How?"

Smith: "Yes."

Wright: "Okay, moving on... If you had a very drunk customer and he was disturbing others, what would you do?"

Smith: "Bomb him!"

Wright: "What? What do you mean by that? Wouldn't it be good to talk about things first?"

Smith: "No."

Wright: "If you mean this literally and I'm beginning to think you do - if you bombed him, wouldn't you be putting other people's lives, including your own, in jeopardy?"

Smith: "No, I don't buy that liberal nonsense!"

Wright: "Liberal what? What are you talking about? I'm not supposed to discuss this, but I'll have you know I voted for McCain in '08!"

Smith: "Are you a BIG McCain supporter?"

Wright: "Yes, as a matter of fact, I am."

Smith: "That's what I thought - liberal..."

Wright: "Whatever. So, as I was saying, you're telling me if you set off a bomb a couple feet away from yourself, you wouldn't be harmed?"

Smith: "No and that doesn't matter. I'm just doing what I can to protect this great country!"

Wright: "Wouldn't it cost a lot of money?"

Smith: "Money? Who cares about money? I'm just protecting the people at the bar!"

Wright: "By killing them? Alright, well, moving on... How would you make a customer feel welcome?"

Smith: "Well, first off, I wouldn't be reading from a teleprompter, unlike some people."

Wright: "That's good, but you do realize you're applying to become a bartender, right?"

Smith: "I've seen bartenders use teleprompters."

Wright: "Really? Where?"

Smith: "I don't know, but they're there. That's a fact."

Wright: "Okay, but you didn't answer my question - how would you make a customer feel welcome?"

Smith: "I'd say, 'HI. Welcome to What the Hell Happened Last Night. I'm glad you weren't aborted. What can I get for you today?"

Wright: "Excuse me? That's not going to make them feel welcome!"

Smith: "What if I asked if they were queer and if they said no, I could reply with, 'Really? Me neither!' and give them a high five?"

Wright: "I don't think that would go over well either, especially if the person happened to be gay."

Smith: "Whatever. It's an abomination. Says so in The Bible."

Wright: "Did you write The Bible?"

Smith: "No, did you?"

Wright: "No. So how can you be 100% certain the scriptures declare it to be an abomination?"

Smith: "It's right there, in black and white. Speaking of which..."

Wright: "Let's not go there... So, if a customer, an attractive woman mind you, started heavily flirting with you, how would you respond?"

Smith: "I'd ask if she used birth control. If she said yes, I'd call her a slut."

Wright: "You'd what? Mr. Smith, that kind of talk will never be tolerated here at What the Hell Happened Last Night! Let me ask you something - are you married?"

Smith: "Are you coming onto me?"

Wright: "No, I'm simply asking a question - are you married?"

Smith: "Yes, this if my fifth time. Why?"

Wright: "Does your wife use any form of birth control?"

Smith: "Yes...but that's different. Wait, are you calling my wife a slut?"

Wright: "Based on what you said? No. Based on what she did with me last night? That's entirely possible. Okay, well, I think that's about all I need from you for the time. We'll be in touch, at least your wife and I will be. My secretary will show you out. Flo, is Pee Wee Megatron in? He is? Okay, send him in."