While it's true that most every experienced politician has put so much time into pandering to potential voters they could have earned multiple doctorate's in the practice by now, Mitt Romney has taken the art to an entirely different level. Years from now, "Romneying" will be added to the dictionary, defined as "excessive pandering" or "the god of pandering".
For example, when he spoke in Alabama, Romney had a surprise on hand for his audience - Randy Owen, the lead singer of the band Alabama. What did Romney request Mr. Owen sing? Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Sweet Home Alabama," of course. It'll be interesting to see if this trend continues in other states. I'd like to see him find a singer from a band by the name of Pennsylvania, singing a song with the title similar to "Pennsylvania Is So Beautiful To Me". I wish him the very best with that.
When the Republican candidate spoke in Mississippi, he said, "I am learning to say y'all and I like grits, and things. Strange things are happening to me."
For the record, Mr. Romney was born in Michigan and has lived the majority of his years in Massachusetts. When one thinks of Southern accents and grits, if Michigan and Massachusetts don't immediately enter their mind, something is seriously wrong with them.
Speaking of Michigan, when the GOP candidate spoke here, he said the following:
"I was born and raised here. I love this state. It seems right here. The trees are the right height. I like seeing the lakes. I love the lakes. There's something very special here--the great lakes, but also all the little inland lakes that dot the parts of Michigan. I love cars. I don't know, I mean, I grew up totally in love with cars. It used to be in the '50s and '60s if you showed me one square foot of almost any part of a car, I could tell what brand it was, and model, and so forth. Now, with all the Japanese cars, I'm not quite so good at it, but I still know the American cars pretty well and drive a Mustang. I love cars. I love American cars. And long may they rule the world, let me tell you."
Well, Romney may not be a supporter of many gay rights or of marijuana legalization, but after hearing this quote, I have to believe he's a supporter of object sexuality and also ecstasy. He comes across here as an exaggerated version of Steve Carell's character in the film "Anchorman" - Brick. Brick mentioned that he loved a lamp, but imagine if he had been on ecstasy at the time and he'd probably sound an awful lot like Romney did here.
Now, fortunately or unfortunately, depending on whom you ask, there's more than one side to Mitt Romney. While he may well be known in the future as the god of pandering, as the dictionary will state, "Romneying" will carry with it another definition - the god of failed pandering. Like with Mitt's politics, Webster's future definition of him will go both ways. It's difficult for a guy, whose estimated worth is around $200 million, to be able to relate to average folk. The guy tries, but like a man with Tourette's Syndrome auditioning to become a mime, Romney can't relate to average folk.
For example, when he was campaigning in Michigan, Romney said, "I drive a Mustang and a Chevy pickup truck, Ann (his wife) drives, a couple of Cadillacs, actually. And I used to have a Dodge truck, so I used to have all three covered.”
Ah, so two Cadillacs, eh? The average price of one is between $35,000 and $49,000 (so we'll split those numbers and say $42,000, which multiplied by two is $84,000). What is the medium household income in the state of Michigan? A little over $48,000. For a year's work, a family could purchase one of these Cadillac's and still have $3,000 left over for everything else. On second thought, they may want to buy two Matchbox cars and focus their attention on not starving, dehydrating, freezing, contracting herpes and all of that fun stuff.
When he was in Florida, near the time of the Daytona 500, Romney was asked how closely he followed the sport of NASCAR and responded with, "Not as closely as some of the most ardent fans, but I have some friends who are NASCAR team owners."
This kind of chatter continued when the Republican talked about football and said, “I’ve got a lot of good friends — the owner of the Miami Dolphins and the New York Jets — both owners are friends of mine."
That's a good way to relate to average folk. There are 32 NFL teams, 30 or so NASCAR team owners, all making so much money that there have been reports of these individuals making homemade clothing out of $100 bills. Yeah, Mitt knows that relating to 60 some odd uber-wealthy individuals in a country of over 310,000,000 people is the right way to go if he wants to appeal to average folk. With those kinds of numbers, I might suggest that in his next speech, Mitt tells his audience that he's friends with a number of aliens, ghosts, chimpanzees and polygamists. Eh, he may want to steer clear of that last one.
Mitt has even gone so far with his pandering/failed pandering, that he's simply made things up. When he was speaking to a crowd in Michigan, the human robot talked about how he personally remembered The Golden Jubilee, which happened to include one of the last public appearances made by Henry Ford. This event took place on June 1 of 1946. When was Romney born? March 12th of 1947, a full nine months after the event. Mitt might as well also claim that he remembers being present during The Gettysburg Address, Christ's crucifixion and holding firm on a position (non sexually-related).
Keeping all of the before-mentioned panderings and failed panderings in mind, I now bring to you the Mitt Romney I Love Everyone Tour, where he will pander to those in the...well, everywhere. Here we go...
Alabama - "So, I hear that you can be either an Alabama fan or an Auburn fan. Let me tell you, I always root for both Alabama and Auburn, even when they play against one another!"
Alaska - "The fish here is great, especially the Halibut! Being a vegetarian, I must say that my only weak spot is Alaskan Halibut, and also beef, I suppose."
Arizona - "The Southwest is great! I actually bought a cactus for a kid one time - a sweet little blind kid named Rufus."
Arkansas - "I really like it here in Little Rock - the capital city of this great state! It reminds me of my favorite song - 'Like a Rock'. Speaking of which, ladies and gentleman, singing Bob Seger's 'Like a Rock,' here is Toby Keith!"
California - "A lot of people don't know this, but I was born on a beach and I've always wanted to surf. The one thing that's held me back? Fear of the piranhas."
Colorado - "I climbed a mountain here once - Everest - and actually know the guy it was named after - Mr. Everest."
Connecticut - "Here we are in Bristol - the home of ESPN. I love sports. I really do. I get the best seats at the Super Bowl every single year and for free, if you can believe that!"
Delaware - "This is actually my first time in the state of Delaware and I already like it. I don't know you people, but I like you people. I don't know myself sometimes, but I hope you like me too."
Florida - "I used to hang out with Walt Disney. We actually went boating together. I even bought the guy a few boats - yachts."
Georgia - "The peaches are really great here. My mom always told me that the first food I ever ate was a peach. I didn't eat baby food. I ate 20 peaches that day. The second food I ate was a steak."
Hawaii - "I love the pineapples here! It's my favorite vegetable. I actually get them sent to me from here for free! These are the kinds of things that happen when you're rich."
Idaho - "Potatoes are awesome! I want them each and every meal! Sometimes for a meal, I'll only eat potatoes. I remember one Thanksgiving, when everyone else at the table was eating turkey and stuffing; I just ate mashed potatoes. That day and every day, I'm thankful for potatoes."
Illinois - "You know who I always pull for come football season? Da Bears! That Mark Zitka was a heck of a coach!"
Indiana - "When I think of Indiana, the Indy 500 is the first thing that comes to mind. I drove a race car once. I ended up buying the thing with just some pocket change I had on me."
Iowa - "It's kind of funny. The word Iowa has four letters and three syllables. My name has three syllables also - Mitt Romney, but it has many more letters, kind of like my money, as I have much more than this entire state does."
Kansas - "The yellow brick road is here, isn't it? I love that story, I mean really love that story. Nothing beats Alice in Wonderland!"
Kentucky - "So, this is the Bluegrass state, huh? I sure do like blue grass, not as much as green grass, but still. Ha! That's some good ol' Mitt Romney humor for you all. I don't bring that out very often. I must really like you people."
Louisiana - "Mardi Gras sure is a lot of fun, isn't it? How much do those beads cost anyway? You know what I think I'm going to do? Find my name in the Guinness Book of World Records for number of beads bought. I've got the money to do it."
Maine - "I love this state and why? Your abbreviation is ME. That rhymes with Romney! I'm a poet and I don't even...I'm not even cognizant about it. That doesn't sound right. I'll work on it."
Maryland - "I have to tell you, I love the crabs here! The crabs here are excellent! You should see my wife's crabs. Oh? You have crabs too? Awesome!"
Massachusetts - "Hey again! How's my healthcare plan going? Good? You know, Obama based his plan off mine, but unlike my plan, which I love, I really hate his."
Michigan - "I don't think most people see me as a Motown kind of guy. I absolutely love Motown music! Boyz II Men is probably my favorite such group. What's that song? 'Motownphilly'? Yeah? Are you down? I know I am. I'm down."
Minnesota - "Before I get into anything else, I just have to say that one of my all-time favorite movies is 'Fargo'. Great, great movie right there!"
Mississippi - "I tell you what, I love it here in Jackson. ...so much that I've got a surprise for ya'll - singing 'Beat It,' here are Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake!"
Missouri - "So, this is the show-me state, eh? That kind of reminds me of the film 'Jerry Maguire' when that one guy says, 'Show me the money!' Whenever I hear that, I want to say, 'Oh, I will, and lots of it!'"
Montana - "Montana is such a big state, isn't it? I really love big things and own a lot of them."
Nebraska - "Don't tell the people in Massachusetts about this, but I'm a big and I mean big Nebraska football fan! How's that chant go again? Go Big Corn, right? Come on, everybody! Go Big Corn! Go Big Corn! Go Big Corn!"
Nevada - "I'll be honest, I'm not a big gambler. I am good friends with many casino owners, though, and I can't help but love playing craps for money every couple days."
New Hampshire - "The people here are very independent. You know what you want and aren't at all partisan. I like that. You're just like me. I was pro-choice previously and now I want it to be my choice instead of women's. Like I said, always pro-choice."
New Jersey - "Any state who inspired that Shore Show with that lady Snickerdoodle is a winner in my book!"
New Mexico - "The food here is great! I love Mexican food, you know, anything with soy sauce."
New York - "Chicago may like to brag about their pizza, but nothing beats the pizza here in New York, especially at Pizza Hut! That's real pizza right there!"
North Carolina - "My favorite song of all-time was written about this state - Neil Diamond's 'Sweet Carolina'."
North Dakota - "I don't care how many times I hear it - Mt. Rushmore is beautiful. I just went there for the first time today. Like I said - beautiful!"
Ohio - "How 'bout them Buckeyes? That's a great team, a great university right there. Okay, I don't normally do this, but I'm going to sing a song. Here we go - Hang on, Snoopy, Snoopy hang on! O-H-N-O!"
Oklahoma - "Now, the state abbreviation here is OK, but you are more than that to me. The abbreviation should be, well, I don't know, but more than just OK."
Oregon - "I don't say this about any place else, I swear. The ducks and beavers are really nice here - just the right amount of fur. My wife even owns a beaver. I love it! I love her beaver!"
Pennsylvania - "I love the Amish. I actually used to be Amish. My first televised debate was on an Amish channel."
Rhode Island - "This may be the smallest state in the country, but it's not the size that matters...unless you're talking about wallets or houses like the ones I have, then it sure does!"
South Carolina - "My favorite state flag is yours - the good ol' Confederate flag. It always reminds me of that old show 'Dukes of Hazzard' and my two favorite characters off that show - Jan and Marcia."
South Dakota - "I remember taking a private jet over the Dakotas one time. I'm not sure which one it was, but I think it may have been South. Anyway, ever since then, I've wanted to visit and here I am, in one of the Dakotas."
Tennessee - "There might not be any state I love more than Tennessee. It's because of this state that I married my beautiful wife, Ann. I walked up to her at this Mormon bar - 9 Wives - and I said, 'Are you from Nashville? Because you're the only ten-I-see'. True story."
Texas - "Remember the The Alamo? I know I do. It means a great deal to me. I'll never forget the first World War."
Utah - "As I'm sure you all know by now, I am a Mormon, but do only have one wife, so please don't judge me."
Vermont - "The bushes here are lovely. I've never seen bushes as beautiful as yours, not even my wife's!"
Virginia - "There's nothing more beautiful than the Appalachians. I remember when I took my own helicopter around them. Beautiful. Simply beautiful."
Washington - "Believe it or not, I was pretty big into the rock scene in the '90s with all of those bands here in Seattle, like The Beatles. I even jammed with those guys a few times."
West Virginia - "Coal mining is pretty big here. Speaking of coal, you West Virginians are some of the coalest (coolest) people in this great country. Gosh, I'm on a roll tonight. You know, if I'm not elected president, I think I may go into stand-up comedy."
Wisconsin - "Cheese and Packers. That's what it's all about! I know how that goes. I bought one of those cheesefaces not long ago."
Wyoming - "There are quite a few cowboys here, aren't there? I dressed as a cowboy once. I had the hat, belt buckle, boots, limo..., you know, all of the essentials."
Washington, D.C. - "The buildings here are beautiful and massive. I have some houses like that."
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