Having fun with British slang - from an American's perspective

There's a bar nearby which has a British theme to it, called, "The Pub." At each table is a menu which includes some British terms and their definitions. After going through these terms and researching slang words and phrases from the country, I have a hunch I'd have a difficult time acting mature when traveling to England for the first time and hearing these very terms and phrases. Allow me to provide a few examples of such slang terms and phrases, before concocting hypothetical conversations between Americans using British slang with an American bent.

British slang: Arse over tit - "Another version of arse over elbow, but a bit more graphic!" (Arse over elbow is "another way of saying head over heels but is a little more descriptive.")

Americans conversing:

Brian Smoothy: "Baby, you know it's our anniversary, right?"

Shelia Gobsucker: "Of course I do, sweetie."

Brian: "Well, I thought we could so something extra special tonight. How does that sound?"

Sheila: "Ooh... I think I like the sound of that. What did you have in mind?"

Brian: "How about this new position I like to call 'arse over tits'?"

Sheila: "Uh..."

Brian: "I know. Doesn't it sound romantic? Hold on a sec while I play the song 'As* and Titties' while we do this..."

British slang: Cock up - "means you have made a mistake."

Americans conversing:

Director Clarence Hairball: "Okay... Nasty Cavemen... Take one...and action!"

Denise Apeman: "Come on. Cock up. Cock up! Now! Do it!"

Donald Apeman: "No! No cock up! No! Can't do it! Argh!"

Director Hairball: "Cut! Come on, people! We're shooting a porno, not a sitcom! Let's do this!"

British slang: Keep your pecker up - "This is one way of saying to keep your chin up."

Americans conversing:

Robert Dole (narrating a commercial): "If you're like me, and you have a problem with E.D., then I recommend taking Viagra. It'll help make your wife happy, and it'll help make you happy. So, come on, keep your pecker up, with Viagra."

British slang: Narked - "When someone appears to be in a bad mood."

Americans conversing:

Brett Talky: (calling a woman after their first date, and having a bad connection with his phone) "Hey there. How's it going? Long time on talk!"

Michaela Prudish: "Hey. I'm having trouble hearing you. What did you say?"

Brett: "I just said how's it going?"

Michaela: "Pretty good and you?"

Brett: "Great! Thanks. So, are you thinking you maybe want to do that again sometime?"

Michaela: "Do I what? I'm sorry - I can't hear you very well."

Brett: "Geez... It looks like one of us had more fun than the other, huh? Are you narked or something?"

Michaela: "Am I what?"

Brett: "Narked"

Michaela: "Oh my God! I can't believe you just asked me that! You perv! If you must know, I'm in my pj's! Goodbye!"

Brett: "Hello? Hello? What the hell got into her? It's not like I asked if she was naked or anything. That was going to be my next question. Geesh..."

British slang: Piss up - "A drinking session"

Americans conversing:

Bruno Whiskey: "Dude, I dare you to piss up right now."

Brutus Rum: "Man, you are so drunk right now!"

Bruno: "I know. So do it! Piss up!"

Brutus: "You're crazy! Into this wind?"

Bruno: "I'll give you my Bette Midler CD if you do it!"

Brutus: "Really? Alright! You asked for it!"

Bruno: "Whoa! Yeah! Make it rain! Woo-hoo!"

Brutus: "Satisfied now?"

Bruno: "Yeah, I'm going to go home and take a shower. I'll give you the CD in the morning."

http://www.effingpot.com/slang.shtml

Boycotting jukeboxes because of TouchTunes

I love music and enjoy hitting the bar(s) over the weekend, so naturally, when the mood strikes me, I've never been coy about playing some songs on the jukebox. This past Thursday, a friend of mine turned 50, so several friends of her's, including myself, all met up to celebrate the occasion. At around 9:30, a friend of mine and I both chipped in $5 to play some songs on the jukebox. Four hours and 231 skips later, we gave up on hearing the songs we had selected, and went home knowing we had just wasted $5. This wasn't the first time such a thing had happened to me (and many others), and due to that, I'll be boycotting jukeboxes. Why? The scam known as TouchTunes. You see, here's how the plot typically breaks down. A person (or group of people) downloads the TouchTunes app on his/her phone, consumes one too many adult beverages, and due to this, has less care for spending extra money to hear the songs of their choosing right NOW. That's the thing with TouchTun

The difference between "looking" and "checking out"

I may be way off with these numbers, but it's my approximation that at least 75% of individuals whom are involved in a serious relationship feel it's perfectly acceptable to "check out" members of the opposite sex they're not involved with. Meanwhile, approximately 25% either don't feel this is acceptable or aren't sure about the matter. I hadn't thought about this matter for a while, but since I've been dating a woman for about 8 months, the topic has been pondered about some. When reading or hearing others discuss this very issue, I often times hear comments similar to the following: "It's human nature to look." "There's nothing wrong with checking others out. I'm sure he/she does it too!" "It's fine to do it. Just don't tell your boyfriend/girlfriend about it or do it in front of them!" "It's natural to find people attractive." When observing the array of comments, I i

The verdict is in. To no one's surprise, Jonathan Hoenig has been found guilty of being an idiot.

Just recently, when discussing the Michael Brown shooting and whether or not race had anything to do with it, Fox News contributor Jonathan Hoenig said, "You know who talks about race? Racists." One moment while I provide Mr. Hoenig with the well deserved slow-clap. :: slow-claps for two seconds :: So, that was quite the line by Mr. Hoenig, wasn't it? "You know who talks about race? Racists." Well, wasn't he just talking about race? So, by his own words, I guess that makes him a racist. Also, if he wants to be consistent, does this mean that people whom talk about gender are sexists and people whom talk about sexual orientation are homophobes? With that line of thinking, Hoenig would engage in the following back-and-forths: Hoenig: "So, who are you voting for?" A woman: "The Democratic candidate, because he's been adamant about his support for equal rights for women." Hoenig: "You sexist feminist nazi!"

The Kind-Hearted Smart Aleck

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