A good buddy of mine has recently fallen victim to the moving-fast-and-then-pulling-back strategy in the world of dating. While I feel bad for him, I know that parting ways with his wife will be better for him in the long-term. Unfortunately, many people attempt to conquer this strategy, and most fall very short of their goals.
When it comes to my friend, he was dating a woman for less than a year, the two of them were in college - just young and having fun - when she got pregnant. Since he was working for her father at the time, he felt stuck, and almost forced into asking her hand in marriage. He wasn't ready. She wasn't ready. But given the circumstances, he felt it was something he had to do. They then had to work backwards and tried getting to know one another better, and hoped that they actually liked what they discovered about the other. Unfortunately, having the child and focusing all their attention on him, they weren't able to really discover their true feelings for the other until several years down the road, and when that occurred, they soon realized what many already knew - the only reason they got married was the pregnancy. This is when everything fell apart, they drifted away from one another, and decided divorce would be the best option.
I notice this strategy in dating before marriage also, but just like with the before-mentioned scenario, this is incredibly difficult to make work as well. I've actually run into this situation on multiple occasions, where a woman and I will hit it off, vocally express interest in one another, flirt, but when I suggest we keep moving things forward, she'll say, "Oh, I'm not ready to date. I like you and all, but don't really want to pursue anything. Let's just be friends." While this probably isn't as difficult a situation to be in as the marriage scenario I outlined, it's still quite the trying experience. This is because in such predicaments, the two people have expressed to one another that they like each other, they've helped spark a progressive attraction through flirtation, and aided in the other's feelings expanding for them. Given all that, when one person comes forward and says, "I like how things are going. Let's keep moving this forward," and the other basically shoots them down, backtracks, and says, "Oh, I'm not ready. Let's just be friends," it's painful to the first person. He or she feels like they were misled, and after making themselves vulnerable, were rejected. With both people's feelings out in the open, as well as the semi-rejection, if the two decide to regress the relationship to just that of a friendship, it can be a pretty awkward experience. One person has to hide their feelings from the other, pretend that everything's fine, when knowing full well that's not the case. This can then have a significant affect on how they act around the other, which can make them appear phony, and the friendship as well.
Like almost anything else, it's extremely difficult to work backwards in a relationship. When two people reach a certain stage of any relationship, it's natural to expect that things will progress, and when one party tells the other they should regress, that significantly impacts a person's emotions and mindset. While I hesitate to say this strategy is "impossible" to pull off, I'd also say that it's ineffective approximately 99.346% of the time. When two people starting falling for each other, and at the last moment, one pulls back, the other is bound to fall flat on his or her face, get hurt in the process, and look up at the person they were falling for with a new-found sense of distrust, which will be extremely difficult to get over - essentially ending the relationship.
When it comes to my friend, he was dating a woman for less than a year, the two of them were in college - just young and having fun - when she got pregnant. Since he was working for her father at the time, he felt stuck, and almost forced into asking her hand in marriage. He wasn't ready. She wasn't ready. But given the circumstances, he felt it was something he had to do. They then had to work backwards and tried getting to know one another better, and hoped that they actually liked what they discovered about the other. Unfortunately, having the child and focusing all their attention on him, they weren't able to really discover their true feelings for the other until several years down the road, and when that occurred, they soon realized what many already knew - the only reason they got married was the pregnancy. This is when everything fell apart, they drifted away from one another, and decided divorce would be the best option.
I notice this strategy in dating before marriage also, but just like with the before-mentioned scenario, this is incredibly difficult to make work as well. I've actually run into this situation on multiple occasions, where a woman and I will hit it off, vocally express interest in one another, flirt, but when I suggest we keep moving things forward, she'll say, "Oh, I'm not ready to date. I like you and all, but don't really want to pursue anything. Let's just be friends." While this probably isn't as difficult a situation to be in as the marriage scenario I outlined, it's still quite the trying experience. This is because in such predicaments, the two people have expressed to one another that they like each other, they've helped spark a progressive attraction through flirtation, and aided in the other's feelings expanding for them. Given all that, when one person comes forward and says, "I like how things are going. Let's keep moving this forward," and the other basically shoots them down, backtracks, and says, "Oh, I'm not ready. Let's just be friends," it's painful to the first person. He or she feels like they were misled, and after making themselves vulnerable, were rejected. With both people's feelings out in the open, as well as the semi-rejection, if the two decide to regress the relationship to just that of a friendship, it can be a pretty awkward experience. One person has to hide their feelings from the other, pretend that everything's fine, when knowing full well that's not the case. This can then have a significant affect on how they act around the other, which can make them appear phony, and the friendship as well.
Like almost anything else, it's extremely difficult to work backwards in a relationship. When two people reach a certain stage of any relationship, it's natural to expect that things will progress, and when one party tells the other they should regress, that significantly impacts a person's emotions and mindset. While I hesitate to say this strategy is "impossible" to pull off, I'd also say that it's ineffective approximately 99.346% of the time. When two people starting falling for each other, and at the last moment, one pulls back, the other is bound to fall flat on his or her face, get hurt in the process, and look up at the person they were falling for with a new-found sense of distrust, which will be extremely difficult to get over - essentially ending the relationship.
Comments
Post a Comment