While I'm by no means a fan of confrontation, especially in relationships (dating, friendships, or otherwise), it is essential at times to either check the status of a relationship or to move it forward in one manner or another. However, I've noticed two common problems with these confrontations: 1) Some people refuse to engage in such discussions, and 2) When confronted on an issue, many refuse to completely own up to their mistakes.
While I understand the mindset of those in group 1, as I've come to learn, the longer people ignore problems in a relationship, the more likely it is that said problems will come back to bite them somewhere down the line. As the saying goes, the first step to solving a problem is admitting one exists. If one doesn't admit this problem, how will he or she know one is present, and how will they then tackle and defeat said problem? It would be strange to hear someone say they enjoy confrontation, but whether or not we enjoy it, it's necessary to keep a relationship progressing.
Of the two groups of people I listed, I've actually had much more experience with those in the second. While I can understand that it may be difficult to take full responsibility for a problem at times, I rarely witness people completely own up to these mistakes. If confronted about a mistake they made, they'll often times resort to the tit-for-tat strategy and showcase false equivalence - that or apologize, but follow it up with comments which make the apology appear to not exactly be sincere.
An example of the tit-for-tat strategy would be this:
Wife: "This is the second time I caught you kissing another woman! How can I ever trust you?"
Husband: "Well, you're not exactly an angel yourself. Remember that time you winked at that guy at the restaurant?"
Wife: "I had something in my eye. It was a natural reaction."
Husband: "Sure, sure. I had something in my eyes too, which is why I kissed those women - I mistook them for you." :: wink wink ::
Wife: "That's not the same thing! Ugh!"
The tit-for-tat strategy is a defense mechanism for many. They may take a comment about a mistake they made as an insult to their character, and they almost instinctually react by pointing out the other person isn't perfect either. While this may relieve them of some guilt initially, it tends to cause more problems in the end.
The less-than-sincere-apology strategy goes something like this:
Female: "I'm really, really sorry that I don't want to date you, but I mean, you should have known better than to have gotten feelings for me. I even told you fairly early that I wasn't looking to date anyone right now. So, if you think about it, this is pretty much all your fault. Again, though, I'm really sorry."
Male: "Wait - what? You said you really liked me, you hadn't felt this way in a long time, and that you were even smitten with me..."
Female: "Yeah - so? I'm sorry, but you should have known I didn't want to date."
Male: "But I met you at a dating site, and you said you were looking for a serious relationship."
Female: "Get over it, buddy. If you're not cool with putting your feelings to the side and just being friends, we should probably stop talking."
Male: "But the name of the site was IWantToGetMarriedAlready.com."
Female: "Gosh, you're annoying! I said I was sorry, okay? It's your fault anyway! I've been honest from the beginning!"
Male: "But you've contradicted yourself several times..."
Female: "Whatever."
Why is it so difficult for someone, when being confronted about a mistake they made, to just say, "You know what? You're right, I'm sorry, and I'll do everything in my power to make certain that doesn't happen again"? We all make mistakes, and the only way we'll improve upon these mistakes is by admitting they happened and making the necessary adjustments to prevent them from occurring again.
While I understand the mindset of those in group 1, as I've come to learn, the longer people ignore problems in a relationship, the more likely it is that said problems will come back to bite them somewhere down the line. As the saying goes, the first step to solving a problem is admitting one exists. If one doesn't admit this problem, how will he or she know one is present, and how will they then tackle and defeat said problem? It would be strange to hear someone say they enjoy confrontation, but whether or not we enjoy it, it's necessary to keep a relationship progressing.
Of the two groups of people I listed, I've actually had much more experience with those in the second. While I can understand that it may be difficult to take full responsibility for a problem at times, I rarely witness people completely own up to these mistakes. If confronted about a mistake they made, they'll often times resort to the tit-for-tat strategy and showcase false equivalence - that or apologize, but follow it up with comments which make the apology appear to not exactly be sincere.
An example of the tit-for-tat strategy would be this:
Wife: "This is the second time I caught you kissing another woman! How can I ever trust you?"
Husband: "Well, you're not exactly an angel yourself. Remember that time you winked at that guy at the restaurant?"
Wife: "I had something in my eye. It was a natural reaction."
Husband: "Sure, sure. I had something in my eyes too, which is why I kissed those women - I mistook them for you." :: wink wink ::
Wife: "That's not the same thing! Ugh!"
The tit-for-tat strategy is a defense mechanism for many. They may take a comment about a mistake they made as an insult to their character, and they almost instinctually react by pointing out the other person isn't perfect either. While this may relieve them of some guilt initially, it tends to cause more problems in the end.
The less-than-sincere-apology strategy goes something like this:
Female: "I'm really, really sorry that I don't want to date you, but I mean, you should have known better than to have gotten feelings for me. I even told you fairly early that I wasn't looking to date anyone right now. So, if you think about it, this is pretty much all your fault. Again, though, I'm really sorry."
Male: "Wait - what? You said you really liked me, you hadn't felt this way in a long time, and that you were even smitten with me..."
Female: "Yeah - so? I'm sorry, but you should have known I didn't want to date."
Male: "But I met you at a dating site, and you said you were looking for a serious relationship."
Female: "Get over it, buddy. If you're not cool with putting your feelings to the side and just being friends, we should probably stop talking."
Male: "But the name of the site was IWantToGetMarriedAlready.com."
Female: "Gosh, you're annoying! I said I was sorry, okay? It's your fault anyway! I've been honest from the beginning!"
Male: "But you've contradicted yourself several times..."
Female: "Whatever."
Why is it so difficult for someone, when being confronted about a mistake they made, to just say, "You know what? You're right, I'm sorry, and I'll do everything in my power to make certain that doesn't happen again"? We all make mistakes, and the only way we'll improve upon these mistakes is by admitting they happened and making the necessary adjustments to prevent them from occurring again.
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