Happy New Year! With said fact comes the sad news that the NFL regular season has come to an end. Here now are possible New Year's resolutions for each team.
Arizona Cardinals: Place David Johnson's name and photo on the back of milk cartons, report him as missing, and hope he's found one day.
Atlanta Falcons: Hire the beast from The Shape of Water to be the team's doctor.
Baltimore Ravens: Get Joe Flacco a cheerleading outfit and some pom-poms.
Buffalo Bills: Be relocated to the Bahamas but maintain the team's nickname so that they become the Bahamas Bills.
Carolina Panthers: Ask Riverboat gambler Ron Rivera to stick to the penny slots.
Chicago Bears: Invest in human cloning, specifically of Khalil Mack and Tarik Cohen.
Cincinnati Bengals: Improve Vontaze Burfict's diet to include vegetables in addition to steroids.
Cleveland Browns: Don't hire anyone who even partially resembles Hue Jackson. This includes Hugh Grant, Janet Jackson, and Stew Jackass.
Dallas Cowboys: Enlarge their scoreboard so that it takes up half of the football field, which is still a fraction the size of Jerry Jones's ego.
Denver Broncos: Ask state representatives to pass a law which would require opposing teams to consume marijuana edibles before every game played in the mile-high city.
Detroit Lions: Require Matt Patricia to have pencils in both ears, as well as both nostrils throughout the course of the team's games.
Green Bay Packers: Start a petition to replace helmets with cheeseheads.
Houston Texans: Ask Jadeveon Clowney to change his last name to Clown, so announcers can repeatedly say, "A Clown hits the quarterback!"
Indianapolis Colts: Alter the team motto to "Making Indiana Exciting Again," before crossing off "again."
Jacksonville Jaguars: Have Leonard Fournette undergo a full-body transplant.
Kansas City Chiefs: Replace the tomahawk chop with the Macarena.
Los Angeles Chargers: Move back to San Diego, because no one can get used to saying Los Angeles Chargers.
Los Angeles Rams: Start the Proud-To-Be-Gurley-Men movement.
Miami Dolphins: Hire Ace Ventura to find out what in the hell their problem is.
Minnesota Vikings: Take Adam Thielen and Kirk Cousins to couples-counseling.
New England Patriots: In honor of Tom Brady, request some "doctors" to release a study which showcases that 50 really is the new 30.
New Orleans Saints: Learn how to pronounce the word defense and then just go from there...
New York Giants: Re-hire the man they ran out of town, Tom Coughlin.
New York Jets: Hire a Hollywood talent agent to find NFL-quality talent.
Oakland Raiders: Trade the man who traded everyone else, Jon Gruden.
Philadelphia Eagles: Provide a halo, wings, and a Philly cheesesteak to their savior, Nick Foles.
Pittsburgh Steelers: Renew their vows with Mike Tomlin. These will include vowing to never fake a punt near midfield while in the lead near the end of a game against a superior opponent with a playoff spot on the line again.
San Francisco 49ers: Fight for a law to be signed which would require opposing teams to swim to Alcatraz and back just prior to gametime.
Seattle Seahawks: Hire an undercover agent to discover whether or not Pete Carroll ever stops chewing gum.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Ask Tim Tebow to be Jameis Winston's mentor. If that doesn't work, they'll then ask Mr. Miyagi.
Tennessee Titans: See if the league will agree to let Marcus Mariota wear an Extravehicular Mobility Unit during games.
Washington Redskins: Nothing. This team is perfect just the way it is...
Arizona Cardinals: Place David Johnson's name and photo on the back of milk cartons, report him as missing, and hope he's found one day.
Atlanta Falcons: Hire the beast from The Shape of Water to be the team's doctor.
Baltimore Ravens: Get Joe Flacco a cheerleading outfit and some pom-poms.
Buffalo Bills: Be relocated to the Bahamas but maintain the team's nickname so that they become the Bahamas Bills.
Carolina Panthers: Ask Riverboat gambler Ron Rivera to stick to the penny slots.
Chicago Bears: Invest in human cloning, specifically of Khalil Mack and Tarik Cohen.
Cincinnati Bengals: Improve Vontaze Burfict's diet to include vegetables in addition to steroids.
Cleveland Browns: Don't hire anyone who even partially resembles Hue Jackson. This includes Hugh Grant, Janet Jackson, and Stew Jackass.
Dallas Cowboys: Enlarge their scoreboard so that it takes up half of the football field, which is still a fraction the size of Jerry Jones's ego.
Denver Broncos: Ask state representatives to pass a law which would require opposing teams to consume marijuana edibles before every game played in the mile-high city.
Detroit Lions: Require Matt Patricia to have pencils in both ears, as well as both nostrils throughout the course of the team's games.
Green Bay Packers: Start a petition to replace helmets with cheeseheads.
Houston Texans: Ask Jadeveon Clowney to change his last name to Clown, so announcers can repeatedly say, "A Clown hits the quarterback!"
Indianapolis Colts: Alter the team motto to "Making Indiana Exciting Again," before crossing off "again."
Jacksonville Jaguars: Have Leonard Fournette undergo a full-body transplant.
Kansas City Chiefs: Replace the tomahawk chop with the Macarena.
Los Angeles Chargers: Move back to San Diego, because no one can get used to saying Los Angeles Chargers.
Los Angeles Rams: Start the Proud-To-Be-Gurley-Men movement.
Miami Dolphins: Hire Ace Ventura to find out what in the hell their problem is.
Minnesota Vikings: Take Adam Thielen and Kirk Cousins to couples-counseling.
New England Patriots: In honor of Tom Brady, request some "doctors" to release a study which showcases that 50 really is the new 30.
New Orleans Saints: Learn how to pronounce the word defense and then just go from there...
New York Giants: Re-hire the man they ran out of town, Tom Coughlin.
New York Jets: Hire a Hollywood talent agent to find NFL-quality talent.
Oakland Raiders: Trade the man who traded everyone else, Jon Gruden.
Philadelphia Eagles: Provide a halo, wings, and a Philly cheesesteak to their savior, Nick Foles.
Pittsburgh Steelers: Renew their vows with Mike Tomlin. These will include vowing to never fake a punt near midfield while in the lead near the end of a game against a superior opponent with a playoff spot on the line again.
San Francisco 49ers: Fight for a law to be signed which would require opposing teams to swim to Alcatraz and back just prior to gametime.
Seattle Seahawks: Hire an undercover agent to discover whether or not Pete Carroll ever stops chewing gum.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Ask Tim Tebow to be Jameis Winston's mentor. If that doesn't work, they'll then ask Mr. Miyagi.
Tennessee Titans: See if the league will agree to let Marcus Mariota wear an Extravehicular Mobility Unit during games.
Washington Redskins: Nothing. This team is perfect just the way it is...
I second the move back to San Diego. "Los Angeles Chargers" sounds a little too much like a special edition of Desperate Housewives... :)
ReplyDeleteAnother great post!