Podcast: I Feel Snitty
Episode 91: Crazy Uncle Tommy
Premiere Date: 11/24/20
Length: 6:15 (998 words)
Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/crazy-uncle-tommy/
Transcript:
Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 91, entitled, “Crazy Uncle Tommy.” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki.
We all have one, don’t we? That crazy uncle who regularly sends us emails which suggest Elvis has reincarnated into an alien named Evils and is currently residing on Venus; doesn’t know the first thing about anything but thinks he’s a member of what he calls “Mensal;” and is the subject of more jokes than a Nick Nolte mugshot? Yeah, you know the one. Well, please allow me to introduce you to the latest member of that ignominious club: former Auburn head football coach and incoming Alabama Senator Tommy Tuberville.
In a post-election interview with The Alabama Daily News, the Republican showed the world that there are times when that “dumb jock” stereotype rings true. Here are a few of the highlights, or lowlights depending on how you look at it, and my commentary:
- “I don’t care if you’re a Republican or Democrat, I’ve been given a mandate to help people. Our government wasn’t set up for one group to have all three branches of government – wasn’t set up that way. You know, the House, the Senate, and the executive.”
For the record, as everyone knows, the three branches of government are Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms. I kid; I kid. They’re the legislative, judicial, and executive, so Coach Tuberville was 1 for 3. That sounds like his final season at Cincinnati…
- “I’m concerned that Joe Biden has promoted a vision which leads more to a socialist type of government. That’s concerning to me, that we’re to the point now where we’ve got almost half the country voting for something that this country wasn’t built on. I tell people, my dad fought 76 years ago in Europe to free Europe of socialism.”
Well, besides the fact Biden is considered by most to be a centrist or moderate Democrat and World War II was a fight against fascism, crazy Uncle Tommy is right on the money here…
- “Al Gore was called president-elect for 30 days during the infamous legal battle over a recount in Florida.”
I wish, but no, that’s false. Throughout the time Bush was in office, though, roughly 70% of the country referred to Gore as “president-please.”
- “I plan to use my new Senate office to fundraise for the two Republican senators from Georgia who are now facing crucial runoff elections that will determine control of Senate.”
Hey, newbie, that’s not exactly legal – so yeah, you’re going to fit right in…
Given all of these brilliant quotes, I thought it might be fun to quiz the former Auburn head coach in a variety of subjects.
Senator-elect Tommy Tuberville, thanks for coming on.
TT: “Yeahp”
Okay, first question: what is the electoral college?
TT: “That’s one of them 2-year universities, where, if you do good enough, you get elected to go to a better school.”
Who elects these students?
TT: “The voters, of course. That there was a stupid question.”
This is going to be fun… Next question: what are the names of the five Great Lakes?
TT: “You know, there’s more than five great lakes…”
Sure, but there are five specific lakes which are referred to as the Great Lakes. What are they?
TT: “I’ll play along, but this question sure sounds lakist to me.”
Lakist?
TT: “Yeah. All Lakes Matter, but I regress.”
Indeed you do.
TT: “What?”
Nothing. The five Great Lakes – what are they?
TT: “Lake Tebow, Lake Winorillknockya, Swamp Lake, the Lake of the Dotards, and the L.A. Lakers”
In five words or less, what is osmosis?
TT: “Isn’t that the rock band from England, who sings the song ‘Champagne On My Nova’?”
Sure. That same band also sings the song, “Wanderballs.”
TT: “You see? I don’t like that. I just don’t like that. As a Christian conservative, the only wandering balls I want to hear about are my own.”
Thank you for sharing. Next question: if one chicken crosses the road and everyone in the world is watching him on Pay-Per-View, how many chickens crossed the road?
TT: “This sounds like one of ya’lls trick-gotcha questions. I’ll go with 6.”
Are French fries a food group?
TT: “No, but freedom fries is!”
What is white, puffy, and referred to as cumulonimbus?
TT: “Hey, I thought this wasn’t going to be a x-rated show! That kinda thing is between me and my wife!”
Duly noted. How many Amendments are there in the U.S. Constitution?
TT: “It ain’t never been amended! Jesus wrote that!”
Jesus wrote the United States Constitution?
TT: “You better believe it!”
Where does it say that in the Bible?
TT: “In the very first book – the book of Genocide.”
Are you a Phil Collins fan?
TT: “Phil who?”
Nevermind… Is there a cure for Coronavirus, and if so, what is it?
TT: “Well, yeah.”
Really? What is it?
TT: “Easy – drinking Busch Lite.”
In basketball, how much do free throws cost?
TT: “It depends on those toll booths in the state.”
What if a state has an NBA team but not any toll booths or vice versa?
TT: “Vice who?”
Forget it. Okay, last question: is the term ‘synonym’ synonymous or antonymous to the term ‘antonym’?”
TT: “I’d like to use my 50/50 lifeline.”
I only gave you two options.
TT: “But not 50/50.”
Actually, that’s exactly what it is.
TT: “Okay, whatever. $1. Final answer.”
This isn’t The Price Is Right…
TT: “What is $1?”
This isn’t Jeopardy either…
TT: “Can I buy a vowel?”
No. Well, I’m afraid that’s
all the time we have for today. Thank you for being here, Mr. Tuberville, and
best of luck in the Senate.
TT: “Which is one of the five branches of government…”
Yeah, sure…
…and scene…
That’s it for today’s episode. I’ll see you again next week. Until then, you can check me out on Podbean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogger. This has been I Feel Snitty, with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.
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