Transcript for Podcast: "I Feel Snitty," Episode 90: "'You get a lawsuit! You get a lawsuit! Everyone gets a fracking lawsuit!'" is now available!
Podcast: I Feel Snitty
Episode 90: "You get a lawsuit! You get a lawsuit! Everyone gets a fracking lawsuit!"
Premiere Date: 11/19/20
Length: 15:56 (2,165 words)
Transcript:
Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 90, entitled, “You get a lawsuit! You get a lawsuit! Everyone gets a fracking lawsuit!” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki.
So, it’s official: Joe Biden has won 25 states, the District of Columbia, and Nebraska’s 2nd Congressional District for a total of 306 electoral votes, making him the 46th President of the United States. It’s also official: Donald Trump is not happy about that. Ever since Biden was announced as the winner of the election, Trump has sued everybody and their mom. All but one lawsuit have been laughed out of court, because unlike when Donald Trump tweets, he actually needs evidence in a court of law, and well, evidence is one of his seemingly infinite forms of kryptonite.
Given that, I now present to you ridiculous lawsuits I predict Donald Trump will issue against every state, country capital, and congressional district he lost in the 2020 presidential election. Then, following the description of every lawsuit, Trump will describe them in more, well, what he thinks is more detail.
Arizona
Prediction: Donald Trump will sue Arizona for not being hot enough.
Attorney Trump: “If you want proof that global warming is a Jiiinese hoax, look no further than Arizona. Look, I don’t care if it’s a dry heat, a wet heat, or a golden shower heat, it’s not hot at all. 120 degrees? That’s nothing. Camp out in an oven sometime and you’ll see what I mean. Now that’s heat! Arizona, you’re fired!”
California
Prediction: Donald Trump will sue California for having too many people.
Attorney Trump: “There are 200 billion people in California alone. Fact. Goggle it. That’s 300 billion too many. Do the maths: There should only be 100 billion people in California. So, today, right now, I am filing one lawsuit per extra person California has: 1 trillion lawsuits.”
Colorado
Prediction: Donald Trump will sue Colorado for their mountains being too “high.”
Attorney Trump: “Marijoowanna should be illegal nationwide. It does nothing good. It’s what, a plant? Kids at home, take this as a lesson to never forget: nothing good ever comes from plants. That’s why I only eat hamburders. If I had a garden, that’s all I’d do – water baby cows. Anyway, these mountains in Colorado are high enough as it is, but because of marijoowanna, they’re getting high to the point of no return. We can’t have that. Sue their rocky asses, bigly!”
Connecticut
Prediction: Donald Trump will sue Connecticut for its name giving him flashbacks of a “Connect Four” beat-down he suffered in college.
Attorney Trump: “It was my 5th freshman year and some hot bitch wouldn’t let me buy her for a month like her friends did. So I offered her a bet, where I let her choose a competition, and whatever it was, I knew I’d beat her, so I could then buy her for a month. She chose ‘Connect Four.’ It was like my Vietnam. She destroyed me; it was like she was playing in a different language; and it would never end. To this day, I tell people there were no winners, but whenever she learns of this, she posts video footage on social media of me telling the university over a megaphone that I had a tiny mushroom dick.”
Delaware
Prediction: Donald Trump will sue Delaware because “Wayne’s World” proved it’s boring AF.
Attorney Trump: “Ever know someone who just looks like they don’t belong? Like they got a dead rodent on their head; spray-tan a bit too much; and are never the smartest person in the room, even if they’re by themselves? That’s Delaware. They be gone!”
Georgia
Prediction: Donald Trump will sue Georgia for being on people’s minds, instead of him.
Attorney Trump: “Some people have been saying they had Georgia on their mind. Some people were even singing that. So disturbing. First of all, music is stupid. Did Abraham Lincoln sing? I don’t think so. …and as you’ve all seen, you don’t need a song to dance. I’m walking proof of that. So where was I? Ah, yes, I’m never in Georgia. Why would I be in Georgia, besides the one near Russia? So, if you’re thinking of Georgia, you’re not thinking of me, okay? So, if you’re thinking about Georgia, I’m taking you down. …like not to Georgia.”
Hawaii
Prediction: Donald Trump will sue Hawaii for giving away sex, adding, “The only one who should be getting lei’d is me.”
Attorney Trump: “Apparently everyone’s getting lei’d in Hawaii. The people there just give it out: ‘You get lei’d;’ ‘You get lei’d;’ ‘Even the virgin in the back gets lei’d.’ It’s just not right, not fair. I have to allegedly pay a porn star $130,000 and that nerd in the back gets off ‘Scott Free?’ You see? This is why Hawaii shouldn’t be a state.”
Illinois
Prediction: Donald Trump will sue Illinois for child endangerment, as he once got lost in Wrigley Field’s ivy when he was 32.
Attorney Trump: “If you think you had a rough childhood, it was nowhere near as bad as mine. Several years after my dad paid a nerd to get me through college, I got poison ivy like really bad. Some doctors say it’s the main reason why I am the way I am, as it lingered through my pores, like permanently or something, and ate my brain cells like a vegan chows down on a nice T-bone steak. So, anyway, this happened at Wrigley. That itch was a bitch.”
Maine
Prediction: Donald Trump will sue Maine for plagiarism, as he thinks they copied Augusta from the Master’s golf tournament.
Attorney Trump: “In my own words, I’d say, ‘plagiarism is the practice of taking someone else’s work or ideas and passing them off as one’s own.’ Anyway, yeah, Maine did that. Next?”
Maryland
Prediction: Donald Trump will sue Maryland for reverse racism, claiming Baltimore has “too many black people,” but adding, “I’m the least racist person in the whole universe thingy.”
Attorney Trump: “Look, if it’s racist for whites to not allow blacks to use the same public restrooms as them, then it’s racist for blacks to outnumber whites in a city, but still allow them in. It’s why Africa is the most racist country in the world, and that is the least racist thing a person could ever say.”
Massachusetts
Prediction: Donald Trump will sue Massachusetts for treason, claiming the pilgrims were traitors.
Attorney Trump: “When Christopher Columbus sailed here on the Nanny, the Penis, and the Santa Maria Claus, he was leaving somewhere, and going somewhere else, making him a traitor to both here, there, and wherever.”
Michigan
Prediction: Donald Trump will sue Michigan because he believes their lakes aren’t so great, adding, “I’ve had better.”
Attorney Trump: “This is false advertisement, plain and simple, folks. I mean, one lake is eerie. Another claims it’s superior, but trust me, it’s not. It’s like so in-not superior. Another one can’t make up its mind. Huron? You’re on what? Makes no sense. One isn’t even from here. It’s Canadian. Then, get this, the last one is called, and I’m not making this up, Shit Again. True story, folks. True story.”
Minnesota
Prediction: Donald Trump will sue Minnesota because he believes the state is lying about having 10,000 lakes, adding, “No one can count that high!”
Attorney Trump: “I’m a genius when it comes to math things. I’ve counted to many numbers, believe me. One time, I even counted to 45 by 45s. I don’t think anyone has ever done that before, or since, frankly. Who else do you know who can truthfully tell you, ‘Hey, I can count to 45 by 45s’? Can’t do it, can you? But, so yeah, if I’m the only one who’s done that, then nobody has ever counted to 10,000. That’s just common sense, and if there’s one thing I’m full of, it’s common sense.”
Nebraska’s 2nd Congressional District
Prediction: Donald Trump will sue Nebraska’s 2nd Congressional District for failing to be #1.
Attorney Trump: “If you can’t be #1, you’re #2 and should be sued. Not only does it make sense, it rhymes. This is why I’m suing both Hillary Clinton and Joe Biden – for getting more votes than me.”
Nevada
Prediction: Donald Trump will sue Nevada for proving not all casinos go bankrupt.
Attorney Trump: “If casinos always go bankrupt and all Vegas has is casinos, why is Vegas still open? Makes no sense. Something’s going on here and it needs to be investigated. If my circus casinos can get shut-down, so can Circus Circus.”
New Hampshire
Prediction: Donald Trump will sue New Hampshire because “whether a hampshire is old or new, it’s so not a 10.”
Attorney Trump: “As you all know by now, Heidi Klum? No longer a 10. Meryl Streep? Never a 10. Nancy Pelosi? She’s closer to if you put a 1 and 0 together than a 10, and sadly, hampshires are even worse than her. Sucks to be them.”
New Jersey
Prediction: Donald Trump will sue New Jersey for closing bridges, instead of building walls.
Attorney Trump: “In order to close a bridge, you have to build a bridge, which is the antithesis of building a wall, so it’s stupid. I didn’t write that. It was written on a fortune cookie given to me by Stephen Miller. Helluva guy.”
New Mexico
Prediction: Donald Trump will sue New Mexico because he thinks “New Mexicans need to speak gooder English.”
Attorney Trump: “Look, if old Mexicans can speak English somewhat good, there’s no excuse for new Mexicans not to speak it even gooder. Period. Period. Lots of periods.”
New York
Prediction: Donald Trump will sue New York for, while serving pizza, not automatically providing patrons with forks, knives, spoons, sporks, and spatulas.
Attorney Trump: “Real men eat steak with ketchup; hot dogs raw; and pizza with sporks and spatulas. I didn’t write the rules. Jesus did. It’s in the Bible.”
Oregon
Prediction: Donald Trump will sue Oregon for animal cruelty, contending that Beavers and Ducks shouldn’t be playing football.
Attorney Trump: “Animals are kind of gross – especially when they piss and shit on you while you’re golfing. Ostriches are the worst. I’ve had to throw away I don’t know how many MAGA hats because of those evil flying bird creature things. Even so, though, just like chicken-fighting is entertaining, but wrong, so is a bunch of ducks and beavers putting on padding, helmets, and concussing each other on a football field. I don’t care who you are, that shit’s just wrong.”
Pennsylvania
Prediction: Donald Trump will sue Pennsylvania because the Amish aren’t following him on Twitter.
Attorney Trump: “For all I do for the good Amish people in the Keystone Light State, you’d think the least they could do is follow me on Twitter, but no. I wonder if any of them are on Friendster or MySpace. Maybe I’ll create an account and see if I can bait them that way. Until then, though, yeah, I’m suing their long-bearded asses.”
Rhode Island
Prediction: Donald Trump will sue Rhode Island for falsely advertising that they’re a road and an island.
Attorney Trump: “Two words: liars.”
Vermont
Prediction: Donald Trump will sue Vermont because he claims “the only good varmint poontang is dead varmint poontang.”
Attorney Trump: “I suppose if I can’t kill Vermont, I’ll just sue them to death.”
Virginia
Prediction: Donald Trump will sue Virginia because he claims that one time he got grounded for “grabbing a woman by the virginia.”
Attorney Trump: “It was so unfair. She didn’t even want me touching her carolinas – either of them. So, my dad grounded me. I only got a $500,000 allowance that week. Bastard.”
Washington
Prediction: Donald Trump will sue Washington because he believes George became the first president through mail-in voter fraud.
Attorney Trump: “George Washington came to the future to invent the Jiiinese Virus; inform Sleepy Joe about it; tell all the leaders in the world to make it difficult for me to destroy it right away; in order to let Lyin’ Biden become president; and then fly back in his time machine like nothing happened. It was almost too easy.”
Washington, D.C.
Prediction: Donald Trump will sue Washington, D.C. for stealing his likeness with the Washington Monument.
Attorney Trump: “I’ve had just enough of it. Whenever someone asks me, ‘Is that a Washington Monument in my pants?,’ I get very, very angry and say, ‘No, it’s a Donald Trump Monument in Washington!’ Assholes.”
Wisconsin
Prediction: Donald Trump will sue Wisconsin because he believes it’s the 8th deadly sin.
Attorney Trump: “There’s: violence against money, war on rich white people, adultery with ugly women, stealing and getting caught, betrayal of wannabe dictators, being like smart and shit, voting for the Democrat Party, and Wiscon.”
That’s it for today’s episode. I’ll see you again next week. Until then, you can check me out on Podbean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogger. This has been I Feel Snitty, with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.
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