Transcript for Podcast: "I Feel Snitty," Episode 87: "The Non-Conceding Concession" is now available!

Podcast: I Feel Snitty

Episode 87: The Non-Conceding Concession

Premiere Date: 11/13/20

Length: 7:22 (1,027 words)

Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/the-non-conceding-concession/

Transcript: 

Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 87, entitled, “The Non-Conceding Concession.” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki.

 

As each day passes from when Joe Biden won the election, it seems to be increasingly more likely that Donald Trump will not make a concession speech. No, he’s too busy filing lawsuits against every state in the country; tweeting that the election was stolen from him; or calling for a press conference, where all he does is claim that among legal votes, he won handily. Donald Trump has taken the term “sore loser” to such a new level, it’ll likely be altered to “Trump.”

 

Child: “Wah! Wah! Wah! They beat us 65-21! If they called that foul on me at the end and I made the two free throws, I could have tied it! Wah!!!”

 

Father: “Hey, don’t be a Trump.”

 

So, since we likely won’t hear anything even remotely resembling a concession speech from Donald Trump, I thought I’d come up with one. Here it is – Donald Trump’s concession speech. “Enjoy!”

 

“Good evening, my fellow Muricans:

 

As I’m sure you all know by now, due to my more less votes, I didn’t not not win the election. I’m your president today, your president tomorrow, your president yesterday, and that’s all that matters.

 

Some people are saying things are going to change, like bigly, but they’re wrong. Things are going to stay so the same, you’re not going to even know I’m here, or not. Seriously, though, I’ll golf; I’ll tweet; I’ll call out Sleepy Joe for whatever; I’ll look for Kamala’s birth certificate; I’ll breathe heavily into people’s mouths while neither of us are wearing masks; I’ll sue people who don’t even exist; I’ll grab women by the kitty-cat without their, uh, content; and I’ll make it my life’s goal to find the single person responsible for the voter fraud in this country which handed Lyin’ Biden the presidency. Oh, and this is just an idea, but maybe, just maybe, I might do a little traveling – like move to a different country, possibly Russia.

 

Let’s forget Russia for a moment, though, and talk about my presidency, which had absolutely nothing to do with Russia. I’ve been president for four years, but it seems so much longer than that, doesn’t it? Everyone around me looks about 10 to 20 years older than they did since I started this job. I mean, look around you. Do you even know those people? Pretty amazing, isn’t it? I think it’s because I got so much done in these past 4 years, it seems like, you know, more than 4 years. It’s just unpresidented. I mean, first off, I built the biggest, strongest 3-mile wall in the history of the universes, and made taxpayers pay for it, just like I promised. Some of these taxpayers are Hispanic, so whether they were born in Iowa or Guacamole, they’re Mexicans. This 3-mile wall has been so big and strong, it’s held up against winds as much as 3 miles per hour. That’s some sturdy Styrofoam right there, folks. You’ve never seen anything like it. You don’t even know. Then I took healthcare away from people and made it easier to get guns, because if more people get shot and killed with guns, less people will be in need of healthcare. But make no mistake about it, guns don’t kill people; healthcare kills people. I took care of the Chinese hoax known as global-warming. Apparently it was just some guy eating a bat in a lab; he was feeling warm; and said it was global-warming. No, it was one guy. So it was like Jackie Chan-warming or whatever. I ended wars in different places. There was the Cold War, the Hot War, the Luke-Warm War, the Civil War, the Unfriendly War, and World War 123, just to name a few. The economy was great for like a couple of weeks. For those three weeks, our economy was the best economy in the history of the galaxy thingy. It was like perfect. Like, if a football team played great for 2 games in the middle of a season, won them both, and finished 2-14. That was us. It was great for everybody, no matter who you were. I really think that Brianne Addams guy should make an update of his song, “Summer of ’69,” and call it, “Those 2 Weeks in Those 4 Years of Trump.” That would be tremendous, simply fantastic. Last, but certainly not east, the Jiiina Virus, or as I heard one person who looks an awful lot like me call it once, “The Chopsticks Virus.” Nine months ago, I told the world we had only 15 cases of the Chopsticks Virus; that number would only go down and swiftly; and we’d continue to have no deaths. That was then and this is now. Look where we are today. We are so far beyond zero, it’s not even funny, and only I could do that. Only I could go from zero to a million zeroes, with other numbers included, in a matter of seconds. It’s gotta be a record of some kind. Nobody infects people faster than I do, believe me. So, yeah, we’ve got that under control.

 

You know, it’s like that saying goes – all good 2 weeks come to an end. It’s like any relationship, really. I told a few…thousand white lies; I tweeted about all your failures and all the nicknames I gave you – like Icky Ivana; hundreds of thousands of people died; and we lived happily ever after, but with someones else. I’ll never fully leave, though. I’ll always be there, and with any luck, I’ll have my own golden streaming show. If so, it’ll be a relief like no other; that I can promise you. Speaking of which, I must be going. The flight’s about to take off. Heading to Moscow. It’s supposed to be really beautiful this time of year – January 20^th. Later, bitches.”

 

That’s it for today’s episode. I’ll see you again next week. Until then, you can check me out on Podbean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogger. This has been I Feel Snitty, with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.