I don't typically post about this kind of thing, but thought it may aid at least one person out there who may be in a relationship and uncertain if he/she wants things to continue.
Due to an awful relationship from what seems like my distant past, the moving transition from Nebraska to Ohio that took place 4+ years ago, and a mysterious two-year illness I battled, it took an extremely long time for me to date again or even get interested in it. After I began feeling well again in early 2011, I suddenly felt a new-found sense of joy, aspiration, hope, and appreciation I hadn't felt before. I felt a drastic change in myself following my healing from the ailment. I can only imagine what others saw.
Prior to my recovering from the illness, I had always been extremely shy and insecure around women I liked. I feared rejection if I were to ask them out. I feared making things awkward if they said no, and wondering if we'd be able to maintain a friendship. I feared getting my feelings hurt. This often times led me to not take any action whatsoever when it came to pursuing women. I just stayed mum about things, and low and behold - I never got to date them. After my recovery, though, I no longer had that fear of rejection. Here I had been stationed in one place for two years, unable to walk some days, told by some doctors I may never fully recover, and that I could potentially lose my legs if I didn't undergo spinal surgery. After I almost miraculously got to feeling better, being rejected by a woman didn't seem like that big of a deal to me. Of course, if given the choice, I, like anyone else, would rather not be rejected. However, between not being able to walk and not having legs to being rejected for a date by a woman - I'd say the latter is much less stressful and painful than the former.
I pursued two women in 2011. One I had known for many years and I started to realize I had a crush on just before moving from Nebraska to Ohio. After I got to feeling better, I immediately wanted to rejoice and celebrate by moving back home to Omaha. Due to this, I started pursuing this woman. I was assertive, kind, generous, flirtatious, and she seemed to showcase many signs that she was interested, at least on some level. However, as the weeks and months progressed, the more tedious the process was for me. While she said it was fine to call me at X time after work, in the rare moment when I did call, I had to leave a message and didn't receive a call back. If I sent a couple e-mails in a week, I'd be lucky to hear back once. I'm a thinker as it is, but this inconsistent behavior made me over-analyze the situation, because I didn't know what to think. What's a reasonable person to think when he or she gives obvious indicators that they like a person as more than a friend, send them thoughtful e-mails and gifts, flirt and compliment them, and receive inconsistent feedback in return? There would be times when she'd respond right away and in a very upbeat and flirtatious manner. There would be other times it'd take her a week and she'd come across as just a friend and nothing more. When I ventured to Omaha for a few days, that is when I realized what the situation was for she and I. She was extremely flaky, calling, saying our plans wouldn't work out, but that they would the following day, before giving me the same spiel. After flying back to Ohio, I sent a very straight-forward e-mail, calling her out on her flakiness and asking what the deal was. As I had received numerous times before, she gave me the friend line and what was her excuse? She's a flirt. For about 3 months there, I gave 100% to expand the relationship and she gave maybe 25%.
While I was hurt, it only took me a week or two to realize the girl wasn't worth it. I took some time off from pursuing anyone, but did again in July through about September. It was the same kind of thing. This lady and I communicated a bit more than the first, flirted regularly in person. Some people even thought we were dating by how we acted around each other. There seemed to be a mutual attraction there. However, like with the first lady I pursued, this one was inconsistent. For every two times I tried contacting her, she might get back to me once. I made her some gifts, and she seemed very thankful, but like with the first, it felt as if I gave 100% to evolving the relationship and she only gave 25%. Unlike with the first, who finally told me she just liked me as a friend and the reason she acted as she did (led me on, in other words) was because she's a flirt, this one never got back to me on if she felt anything stronger than that of a friendship and why she was so flaky.
I had a couple dates here and there from September of 2011 to April of 2012, but those were all one and done's, and the ladies reminded me too much of the pair I had pursued - which exhausted me mentally, emotionally, psychologically, and with that physically, to no end.
I'll be honest (like this is something new for me) - those two women I pursued in 2011, while they were extremely exhausting "relationships" (attempted ones anyway), it seemed to be the same old cycle for me. Even with women I have officially dated in the past, it's felt that after a certain time, while I've continued to give my 100%, I've only received 50% in return. Perhaps naively enough, I thought these two women would have been worth fighting for, and they were only testing me to see if I'd be worth fighting for as well. However, I've come to learn these past four months or so, that unless a person is meeting you halfway and giving as much as they're getting, the person isn't worth the time, energy, and effort. I started dating someone in late August, and 23 dates later, am still doing so. I can't tell you how refreshing this experience has been. While I admit that my noggin kicks in overdrive here and there and over-analyzes something this woman says or does, I think that has more to do with the fact I've kind of been forced into over-analyzing in previous relationships because women just haven't been straight-forward and honest with me. In due time, I think my mind will finally fully relax and realize there's nothing to worry about. With the two women from last year, I'd be tentative on making a call or sending an e-mail or giving a gift. When I did make that call, send that e-mail, or give a gift, I was unsure if I'd hear back from them. If I saw that they did respond, I never knew what to expect. Even when reading or listening to their response, I'd wonder what they really meant. Pretty much every word and action these women had toward me wound up being ambiguous in my mind, because they ha been so inconsistent. Now, with this woman I've been dating for four months, I no longer have to wonder or worry about those things. If I call and leave a message or write, I'll know she'll get back to me that day. If I make plans, I know, unless an emergency comes about, she'll follow through. When I open up, I know she'll return the favor, and do so in a very open, honest, straight-forward manner. For the first time in my life, I'm in a relationship where I'm receiving just as much as I'm giving and I can't say how wonderful it is. Actually, I think she may hold a slight edge in the giving department, which may make me feel slightly guilty at times, but I have to realize this is how things are supposed to be.
For anyone out there who is in a relationship or thinking about pursuing one and the person you're with or thinking about being with isn't meeting you halfway, isn't putting in the time and effort as you are, they're not worth it. No matter how charming, attractive, wealthy, and/or funny the person is, they're not worth it. A relationship is about two people coming together and sharing a certain kind of love, care, and attraction with/for one another, to bring about joys the other wouldn't experience and feel without them. If one of the two people is putting forth 100% effort and only receiving 25-50% in return, there won't be much of that joy that is shared by both parties. While one will be kicking back and smiling, the other will exhaust themselves to the brink of wanting to give Rip Van Winkle a run for his money. So, as difficult as it can be at times and as I learned firsthand, think about what you need and your level of contentment just as much as the other person's. So, I wish everyone the best of luck in finding something special - both for themselves and that other person, just as it should be.
Due to an awful relationship from what seems like my distant past, the moving transition from Nebraska to Ohio that took place 4+ years ago, and a mysterious two-year illness I battled, it took an extremely long time for me to date again or even get interested in it. After I began feeling well again in early 2011, I suddenly felt a new-found sense of joy, aspiration, hope, and appreciation I hadn't felt before. I felt a drastic change in myself following my healing from the ailment. I can only imagine what others saw.
Prior to my recovering from the illness, I had always been extremely shy and insecure around women I liked. I feared rejection if I were to ask them out. I feared making things awkward if they said no, and wondering if we'd be able to maintain a friendship. I feared getting my feelings hurt. This often times led me to not take any action whatsoever when it came to pursuing women. I just stayed mum about things, and low and behold - I never got to date them. After my recovery, though, I no longer had that fear of rejection. Here I had been stationed in one place for two years, unable to walk some days, told by some doctors I may never fully recover, and that I could potentially lose my legs if I didn't undergo spinal surgery. After I almost miraculously got to feeling better, being rejected by a woman didn't seem like that big of a deal to me. Of course, if given the choice, I, like anyone else, would rather not be rejected. However, between not being able to walk and not having legs to being rejected for a date by a woman - I'd say the latter is much less stressful and painful than the former.
I pursued two women in 2011. One I had known for many years and I started to realize I had a crush on just before moving from Nebraska to Ohio. After I got to feeling better, I immediately wanted to rejoice and celebrate by moving back home to Omaha. Due to this, I started pursuing this woman. I was assertive, kind, generous, flirtatious, and she seemed to showcase many signs that she was interested, at least on some level. However, as the weeks and months progressed, the more tedious the process was for me. While she said it was fine to call me at X time after work, in the rare moment when I did call, I had to leave a message and didn't receive a call back. If I sent a couple e-mails in a week, I'd be lucky to hear back once. I'm a thinker as it is, but this inconsistent behavior made me over-analyze the situation, because I didn't know what to think. What's a reasonable person to think when he or she gives obvious indicators that they like a person as more than a friend, send them thoughtful e-mails and gifts, flirt and compliment them, and receive inconsistent feedback in return? There would be times when she'd respond right away and in a very upbeat and flirtatious manner. There would be other times it'd take her a week and she'd come across as just a friend and nothing more. When I ventured to Omaha for a few days, that is when I realized what the situation was for she and I. She was extremely flaky, calling, saying our plans wouldn't work out, but that they would the following day, before giving me the same spiel. After flying back to Ohio, I sent a very straight-forward e-mail, calling her out on her flakiness and asking what the deal was. As I had received numerous times before, she gave me the friend line and what was her excuse? She's a flirt. For about 3 months there, I gave 100% to expand the relationship and she gave maybe 25%.
While I was hurt, it only took me a week or two to realize the girl wasn't worth it. I took some time off from pursuing anyone, but did again in July through about September. It was the same kind of thing. This lady and I communicated a bit more than the first, flirted regularly in person. Some people even thought we were dating by how we acted around each other. There seemed to be a mutual attraction there. However, like with the first lady I pursued, this one was inconsistent. For every two times I tried contacting her, she might get back to me once. I made her some gifts, and she seemed very thankful, but like with the first, it felt as if I gave 100% to evolving the relationship and she only gave 25%. Unlike with the first, who finally told me she just liked me as a friend and the reason she acted as she did (led me on, in other words) was because she's a flirt, this one never got back to me on if she felt anything stronger than that of a friendship and why she was so flaky.
I had a couple dates here and there from September of 2011 to April of 2012, but those were all one and done's, and the ladies reminded me too much of the pair I had pursued - which exhausted me mentally, emotionally, psychologically, and with that physically, to no end.
I'll be honest (like this is something new for me) - those two women I pursued in 2011, while they were extremely exhausting "relationships" (attempted ones anyway), it seemed to be the same old cycle for me. Even with women I have officially dated in the past, it's felt that after a certain time, while I've continued to give my 100%, I've only received 50% in return. Perhaps naively enough, I thought these two women would have been worth fighting for, and they were only testing me to see if I'd be worth fighting for as well. However, I've come to learn these past four months or so, that unless a person is meeting you halfway and giving as much as they're getting, the person isn't worth the time, energy, and effort. I started dating someone in late August, and 23 dates later, am still doing so. I can't tell you how refreshing this experience has been. While I admit that my noggin kicks in overdrive here and there and over-analyzes something this woman says or does, I think that has more to do with the fact I've kind of been forced into over-analyzing in previous relationships because women just haven't been straight-forward and honest with me. In due time, I think my mind will finally fully relax and realize there's nothing to worry about. With the two women from last year, I'd be tentative on making a call or sending an e-mail or giving a gift. When I did make that call, send that e-mail, or give a gift, I was unsure if I'd hear back from them. If I saw that they did respond, I never knew what to expect. Even when reading or listening to their response, I'd wonder what they really meant. Pretty much every word and action these women had toward me wound up being ambiguous in my mind, because they ha been so inconsistent. Now, with this woman I've been dating for four months, I no longer have to wonder or worry about those things. If I call and leave a message or write, I'll know she'll get back to me that day. If I make plans, I know, unless an emergency comes about, she'll follow through. When I open up, I know she'll return the favor, and do so in a very open, honest, straight-forward manner. For the first time in my life, I'm in a relationship where I'm receiving just as much as I'm giving and I can't say how wonderful it is. Actually, I think she may hold a slight edge in the giving department, which may make me feel slightly guilty at times, but I have to realize this is how things are supposed to be.
For anyone out there who is in a relationship or thinking about pursuing one and the person you're with or thinking about being with isn't meeting you halfway, isn't putting in the time and effort as you are, they're not worth it. No matter how charming, attractive, wealthy, and/or funny the person is, they're not worth it. A relationship is about two people coming together and sharing a certain kind of love, care, and attraction with/for one another, to bring about joys the other wouldn't experience and feel without them. If one of the two people is putting forth 100% effort and only receiving 25-50% in return, there won't be much of that joy that is shared by both parties. While one will be kicking back and smiling, the other will exhaust themselves to the brink of wanting to give Rip Van Winkle a run for his money. So, as difficult as it can be at times and as I learned firsthand, think about what you need and your level of contentment just as much as the other person's. So, I wish everyone the best of luck in finding something special - both for themselves and that other person, just as it should be.
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