This is Murray McMurrington reporting with channel 7 DUH out of Little Rock, Arkansas. Earlier today, I was informed of an unconscious man lying where I stand right now, and I asked a number of witnesses about what had happened. Here's what they told me:
"He was looking down at his phone and ran right into this street pole over here." - Gilbert Gosuck
"He just walked right into them poles right there." - Joe Jo
"You see that here pole over there? He walked right into it, you see. I know, because I seen it for myself." - John Jacobs
"What they said." - Justin Juice
"Ditto here." - Patrick Suave
Now, I should also report that one of our witnesses, Mr. Gosuck, received a call from his cousin Billy, who said all of our witnesses were wrong. Mr. Gosuck then handed me his phone, where Billy relayed to me this story:
"You see what happened was some dude named Mahmoud Abdul Abu Dhabi Sauce bought a drone from Walmart Al Jazeera in Pacmanistan or whatever, and then dropped a firecracker on this guy's head with it, with a note attached to it that read, 'You da bomb, bro,' because, you know, ISIS."
While there was no note, no drone, and no firecracker present, I decided to inquire a few Trump supporters on what they felt the true story was. Here's how our back and forth went:
Five eyewitnesses have told me that the unconscious man became that way due to him walking into a street pole while he was looking at his phone. A cousin of one of the witnesses, however, who wasn't here to see the events unfold, called an eyewitness and said that the man became unconscious due to an ISIS member buying a drone at a Walmart Al Jazeera in Pacmanistan, flying it here, and using it to drop a firecracker on this man's head. Which version of the story do you believe and why?
"Hey, you can't never trust that ISIS! They're behind everything, even when they're not!" - Sean Spammity
"The second deal! I mean, who are these eyewitness thingies anyway? It's not like they ever seen nothin' or nothin', right?" - William O'Lielly
"I'm not racist, but I don't like Muslims. Them are scary and sh*t!" - Louie Brainfart
"It's like my alcoholic dad once told me, 'If you unconscious, you ISIS.' I think that's what he said. I honestly don't remember, but it sounds good, don't it?" - Vladimir Sputnik
"The firecracker was yuge, so yuge you couldn't see it, so yuge it could be called bigly yuge big league, believe me! - Ronald Chump
It should be noted that ISIS has not claimed responsibility for this event; the once unconscious man, upon waking, blamed it all on his addiction to Candy Crush; and the Trump supporters I spoke to still believe this was the doing of one Mahmoud Abdul Abu Dhabi Sauce. This has been Murray McMurrington reporting to you with channel 7 DUH. Back to you Dick and Donald.
"He was looking down at his phone and ran right into this street pole over here." - Gilbert Gosuck
"He just walked right into them poles right there." - Joe Jo
"You see that here pole over there? He walked right into it, you see. I know, because I seen it for myself." - John Jacobs
"What they said." - Justin Juice
"Ditto here." - Patrick Suave
Now, I should also report that one of our witnesses, Mr. Gosuck, received a call from his cousin Billy, who said all of our witnesses were wrong. Mr. Gosuck then handed me his phone, where Billy relayed to me this story:
"You see what happened was some dude named Mahmoud Abdul Abu Dhabi Sauce bought a drone from Walmart Al Jazeera in Pacmanistan or whatever, and then dropped a firecracker on this guy's head with it, with a note attached to it that read, 'You da bomb, bro,' because, you know, ISIS."
While there was no note, no drone, and no firecracker present, I decided to inquire a few Trump supporters on what they felt the true story was. Here's how our back and forth went:
Five eyewitnesses have told me that the unconscious man became that way due to him walking into a street pole while he was looking at his phone. A cousin of one of the witnesses, however, who wasn't here to see the events unfold, called an eyewitness and said that the man became unconscious due to an ISIS member buying a drone at a Walmart Al Jazeera in Pacmanistan, flying it here, and using it to drop a firecracker on this man's head. Which version of the story do you believe and why?
"Hey, you can't never trust that ISIS! They're behind everything, even when they're not!" - Sean Spammity
"The second deal! I mean, who are these eyewitness thingies anyway? It's not like they ever seen nothin' or nothin', right?" - William O'Lielly
"I'm not racist, but I don't like Muslims. Them are scary and sh*t!" - Louie Brainfart
"It's like my alcoholic dad once told me, 'If you unconscious, you ISIS.' I think that's what he said. I honestly don't remember, but it sounds good, don't it?" - Vladimir Sputnik
"The firecracker was yuge, so yuge you couldn't see it, so yuge it could be called bigly yuge big league, believe me! - Ronald Chump
It should be noted that ISIS has not claimed responsibility for this event; the once unconscious man, upon waking, blamed it all on his addiction to Candy Crush; and the Trump supporters I spoke to still believe this was the doing of one Mahmoud Abdul Abu Dhabi Sauce. This has been Murray McMurrington reporting to you with channel 7 DUH. Back to you Dick and Donald.
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