Donald Trump reads Hallmark cards to heal a wounded nation

Following the heat he faced for not calling out the white supremacists who marched at a Unite the Right rally in Charlottesville, Virginia over the weekend, President Donald Trump did so today in a half-assed manner while reading from a teleprompter. Yes, his words regarding the tragedy were to sincerity what rocket launchers were to Gandhi.

This is what I picture Trump thinking at the time of giving the speech: "Okay, act presidential, be sincere, be genu-, genu-, what's that word? Genubob or whatever. Alright, just remember. Read the words - racism is bad, racism is bad, racism is bad. Okay, thank you, my fellow Muricans. What do those words on the prompter say? Mm, racism is bad, okay? Bigly. Some people did some bad things over the weekend. Bad things are not good things. Don't do bad things that aren't good things. God bless you all and God bless the United States of Murica."

While he's at it, Trump might as well start reading Hallmark sympathy cards while speaking to the nation in the aftermath of a tragedy. Of course, he'd have to place his own little spin on them, as he so often does. Here's how I picture such a speech...

"My fellow Muricans,

What happened earlier today when the farmers' chickens crossed the road only to get hit by a bigly semi truck, I, I, I don't know what to say. Let me share with you some cards...

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. My heart goes out to you and your families. May God bless you and send his angels to give you comfort, strength, and sh*t like that.

May beautiful memories bring you a beautiful piece of ass during this difficult time. So sorry for your loss. I'm here for you always....on Twitter.

Although it's difficult today to see beyond the sorrow, may looking back in memory help comfort you the day after today that rhymes with sorrow. What word is that? Whatever.

No words can describe how you feel. May you and your families know your well-being is being prayed for at this time, with deepest sympathy and love. I'm also playing for pay to pray. I mean, I'm paying for pray to play. No, that's not right either. I'm the smartest person in this room, believe me!

You're in my heart, thoughts, and loins at this time. I hope you always hold onto the warm and wonderful memories you shared together, and all of that good stuff.

In closing, I'd like to read you my favorite scripture from the Bible. It's in the book of Two Corinthians, chapter 13, verse 11. It says, 'Expressing heartfelt sympathy and offering a prayer, that God above will come and ease the loss of your bears.' Chickens are like bears, am I right? Well, anyway, I just want everyone to know these words came straight from the heart, like big league. God bless you and all and God bless the United States of Murica!"

Boycotting jukeboxes because of TouchTunes

I love music and enjoy hitting the bar(s) over the weekend, so naturally, when the mood strikes me, I've never been coy about playing some songs on the jukebox. This past Thursday, a friend of mine turned 50, so several friends of her's, including myself, all met up to celebrate the occasion. At around 9:30, a friend of mine and I both chipped in $5 to play some songs on the jukebox. Four hours and 231 skips later, we gave up on hearing the songs we had selected, and went home knowing we had just wasted $5. This wasn't the first time such a thing had happened to me (and many others), and due to that, I'll be boycotting jukeboxes. Why? The scam known as TouchTunes. You see, here's how the plot typically breaks down. A person (or group of people) downloads the TouchTunes app on his/her phone, consumes one too many adult beverages, and due to this, has less care for spending extra money to hear the songs of their choosing right NOW. That's the thing with TouchTun

The difference between "looking" and "checking out"

I may be way off with these numbers, but it's my approximation that at least 75% of individuals whom are involved in a serious relationship feel it's perfectly acceptable to "check out" members of the opposite sex they're not involved with. Meanwhile, approximately 25% either don't feel this is acceptable or aren't sure about the matter. I hadn't thought about this matter for a while, but since I've been dating a woman for about 8 months, the topic has been pondered about some. When reading or hearing others discuss this very issue, I often times hear comments similar to the following: "It's human nature to look." "There's nothing wrong with checking others out. I'm sure he/she does it too!" "It's fine to do it. Just don't tell your boyfriend/girlfriend about it or do it in front of them!" "It's natural to find people attractive." When observing the array of comments, I i

The verdict is in. To no one's surprise, Jonathan Hoenig has been found guilty of being an idiot.

Just recently, when discussing the Michael Brown shooting and whether or not race had anything to do with it, Fox News contributor Jonathan Hoenig said, "You know who talks about race? Racists." One moment while I provide Mr. Hoenig with the well deserved slow-clap. :: slow-claps for two seconds :: So, that was quite the line by Mr. Hoenig, wasn't it? "You know who talks about race? Racists." Well, wasn't he just talking about race? So, by his own words, I guess that makes him a racist. Also, if he wants to be consistent, does this mean that people whom talk about gender are sexists and people whom talk about sexual orientation are homophobes? With that line of thinking, Hoenig would engage in the following back-and-forths: Hoenig: "So, who are you voting for?" A woman: "The Democratic candidate, because he's been adamant about his support for equal rights for women." Hoenig: "You sexist feminist nazi!"

The Kind-Hearted Smart Aleck

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