Podcast: I Feel Snitty
Episode 120: CPAC? CCRAP!
Premiere Date: 3/5/21
Length: 16:01 (2,279 words)
Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/cpac-ccrap/
Transcript:
Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 120, entitled, “CPAC? CCRAP!” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki.
Well, the Conservative Political Action Conference, or CPAC, was held in Orlando this past weekend, and between a Nazi-esque symbol stage design and multiple canceled speakers at an event called “America Uncanceled,” it was surely something to behold…
To provide you a glimpse of these patriotic and genius-inspiring festivities, I thought I’d share with you some of my favorite quotes from the conference, along with my snarky remarks to them, of course. I’ll save the best, or worst, for last – yes, several quotes from the former Cheeto-in-Chief himself. Let’s begin.
Dan Bongino: "Talk is great. The do matters."
…and this is exactly the kind of promotion Mountain Dew didn’t want.
James O'Keefe: "We're gonna start going on offense. It's about time we go on offense and sue the shit out of them (CNN)."
Yes, for the saying has always been, “The best offense is an erroneous, bullshit lawsuit.”
Kimberly Guilfoyle: "I will confidently say that (former) President Trump from his desk at Mar-a-Lago will accomplish more for America in the next four years than (President) Joe Biden and (Vice President) Kamala Harris could ever dream of."
If you had “Kimberly Guilfoyle forgot to take her meds” on your bingo card, you’re a winner!
Burgess Owens: "I'm thankful for a great man, Rush Limbaugh. Not his wealth. He lived the American dream by giving people hope. That is something every one of us can do."
I think, instead of “hope,” Burgess meant “dope.” Yes, I suppose that is something every one of us could do, but I wouldn’t advise it.
Devin Nunes: "We already know that part of this money (the COVID stimulus package) is going to go to build a tunnel from Silicon Valley to San Francisco. These tech oligarchs are the last people that need anybody's money, and they sure as hell don't need a tunnel from Silicon Valley to San Francisco. I thought everybody's like, panicked with COVID. Who the hell's going to get into a train or a bus? I know they're not going to."
I’m not sure, but I hear fake cows are lining up there…
Kevin McCarthy: "We're going to get the majority (in the House) back, we're five seats away! I would bet my house ... my personal house, don't tell my wife but I would bet it."
I think The Offspring wrote a song about this: “Pretty Sly For a White Guy.”
Matt Gaetz: "Florida is like an amazing woman: adventurous, beautiful, mostly sunny, sometimes a little crazy and always here to encourage and support success. By contrast, New York is like a bad ex-husband: mean, won't let you go out to dinner, you're less safe, financially spiraling downward and they may kill your grandparents."
In these, maybe you want to call them similes, “Florida” is what Matt Gaetz thinks he is and “New York” is who he actually is – my apologies to New York.
Madison Cawthorn: "I'm not going to come up here and promise you free things. As a conservative in government, we believe we are going to offer you something that is immeasurably more valuable-your freedom."
…and let’s ask the women Mr. Cawthorn gave “fun rides” to in college what he really thinks about “freedom.”
Lauren Boebert: "I wouldn't be surprised if we start quartering soldiers in the committee hearing rooms. There's plenty in the parking garages at Fort Pelosi. Maybe we can start unreasonably seizing and searching members of Congress. Oh, wait, we're already doing that in House chambers."
Jebus, I’ve heard of people getting hangry, but gungry? That’s a new one.
Rick Scott: "The GOP will not win the future by trying to go back to where the Republican Party used to be. If we do, we will lose the working base that President Trump so animated. We're going to lose elections across the country and, ultimately, we're going to lose our nation. We're not going to let that happen."
The “working base?” Well, that’s the nicest label I’ve heard anyone use to describe the January 6th insurrectionists.
Josh Hawley: "Part of pushing back against liberals is reclaiming our history and saying it is good and we are proud to be Americans. We're proud to have come to live in a country that started with nothing and became the greatest country on the face of the Earth. We're proud to live in a country that liberated slaves."
There you have it, ladies and gentlemen: Josh Hawley has just referred to Native Americans as “nothing.” Missouri voters need to make this guy history, seriously.
Mike Lee: "Government is the official collective use of force. It's coercive force. So, faith in government means tyranny. You can't have faith in government without promoting tyranny. And faith in people means freedom."
Okay, so let me get this straight: faith in people means freedom; faith in government means tyranny, yet people make up the government, so yeah, we’re left with quite the conundrum, aren’t we? If we follow Lee’s, eh, logic, to have faith in people in government is to have faith in freedom and tyranny. Genius…
Ted Cruz: "Orlando is awesome. It's not as nice as Cancun, but it's nice."
You heard it here: Canadian Ted Cruz prefers Mexico over America.
Tom Cotton: "They stopped building a wall around our border, and they put up a wall around your United States Capitol. And right now, right now, as we speak, they are literally tracking down illegal aliens in Mexico who Donald Trump turned away, to invite them to come back. That's not catch-and-release. That's recruit-and-release."
Either Tom Cotton doesn’t know what the term “literally” means or he thinks Ted Cruz is an illegal alien. I suppose both are possible.
Marsha Blackburn: "First they decided they were going to fact-check him (Trump), the leader of the free world. And then they were going to block him. Send a message. And then they were going to temporarily ban him, then they were going to permanently ban him from Facebook and Twitter, the leader of the free world."
Well, if there’s something Marsha Blackburn doesn’t know, it’s how social media works. I’m surprised she didn’t mention the aforementioned sites as BookFace and Tweezer.
Pam Bondi: "What did we do? We knew there was going to be trouble. We didn't cancel him (Richard Spencer). We couldn't cancel him. As conservatives, we believe in the First Amendment."
Yes, conservatives believe in the First Amendment, unless you’re: Kellogg’s, Keurig, the NFL, Walmart, Netflix, Starbucks, Budweiser, Oreos, Target, Pepsi, Gillette, Nordstrom, Nike, Univision, Macy’s, CNN, HBO, fact-checkers, pregnant women, unarmed black men, Republicans with a conscience, Democratic voters, etc.
Scott Walker: "America is under siege. We see it on our campuses. We see it in our culture, and increasingly we see it in our communications with the censorship from Big Tech, left-wing professors, liberal activists, mass media, even some of our major corporations are attempting to cancel conservative thought."
In other words, Scott Walker is openly admitting that storming the US Capitol in an effort to undermine any semblance of American democracy, and in essence make our Constitution moot, is “conservative thought.” Yeah, that should play well with historians, and well, voters.
Ron DeSantis: “We are in an oasis of freedom in a nation that’s suffering from the yoke of oppressive lockdowns. Florida got it right, and the lockdown states got it wrong.”
“An oasis of freedom?” “The yoke of oppressive lockdowns?” Well, if this political thing doesn’t work out for DeSantis, I think we know where his future lies: the worst poetry in human history. His first such book will likely be titled, “The Eggs of the Heart: Poached and Scrambled.”
Mike Pompeo: "Democrats want to defund the police while they barricade the Capitol. This is backwards. And canceling our freedom to assemble peacefully while censoring our communications online is completely antithetical to what our founders understood about America."
You heard it here first: Mike Pompeo believes the domestic terrorist attacks on our nation’s Capitol was a “peaceful assembly.” He also seems to believe James Madison’s Twitter handle was “@234YearsIntoTheFuture.”
Donald Trump:
- "I stand before you today to declare that the incredible journey we've begun together, we went through a journey like nobody else. There's never been a journey like it."
…and hopefully there will never be another journey like it.
- "We've been doing a lot of winning."
“Winning?” Who’s talking right now – Trump or Biden?
- "Mr. McLaughlin just gave me numbers that nobody's ever heard of before, more popular than anybody. That's all of us. It's all of us."
Trump then likely continued, “Numbers you’ve never heard of before, like: 3, 12, and blue.”
- "His (Biden) campaign was all lies."
…which is projection for, “My campaign was all lies.”
- "He wants windmills, the windmills ... the windmills that don't work when you need 'em."
…and that’s when they give you cancer, right, lil Donny boy?
- "We had built almost 500 miles of great border wall that helped us with these numbers because once it's up -- you know, they used to say, 'A wall doesn't work.'"
I think you mean 80 miles. That’d be like telling a person you owe $1,000 to, handing them $160, and then saying, “So, we’re even?”
- "It's amazing, considering that the Democrats' No. 1 priority was to make sure that the wall would never, ever get built, would never, ever happen, would never get financed. We got it financed."
By taxpayers. He forgot that part. …and no, not Mexican taxpayers.
- "Actually, as you know, they just lost the White House. But it's one of those things."
No, no they didn’t. That’s why you’re not in the White House. That’s just one of those things…
- "But who knows? Who knows? I may even decide to beat them for a third time, OK? For a third time."
Let’s review the previous two elections, shall we? In 2016, Trump, while winning the electoral college, lost the popular vote to Hillary Clinton by close to 3 million. In 2020, while also losing the electoral college, he lost to Joe Biden by over 7 million. So, while Trump is 1-1 in the electoral college, he’s 0-2 in the popular vote – losing by a combined 10 million. So, according to Trump math, this puts him right on track to a perfect 3-0 record – which is, of course, impossible in times of term limits, but I digress.
- "We have to stand tall as the party for law-abiding Americans, and others, when they are in our country."
Excuse me? :: cough cough :: January 6th. :: cough cough ::
- "What the Trump administration has done with vaccines has, in many respects, perhaps saved large portions of the world, not only our country but large portions of the world."
A man responsible for over 500,000 American deaths says what?
- "Joe Biden is only implementing the plan that we put in place."
Oh, really? What plan was this? Taking anti-malaria drugs? Injecting Lysol? Shining lights up your butt? Yeah, Biden didn’t implement any of those.
- "I will tell you something and I said, had we had a fair election, the results would have been much different."
He’s right. Biden would have won by more.
- "Many people have asked what is 'Trumpism' ... What it means is great deals, great trade deals, great ones, not deals where we give away everything, our jobs, our money, like the USMCA replacement of the horrible NAFTA. NAFTA was one of the worst deals ever made, probably the worst trade deal ever made. And we ended it."
Naw, the worst trade deal ever made was giving up any shred of dignity this country once had to elect a reality show bozo president. Oh, and we ended it.
- "It (Trumpism) means no riots in the streets. It means law enforcement."
What about riots at the U.S. Capitol? That’s what I thought.
- "When you think about it, we love you, you are saying that about -- I hate to say it. Am I a politician? I don't know, maybe I'm a politician."
I think I speak for everybody when I say, “Like Phil Dunphy would say, ‘Why the face?’”
- "We believe in law and order. And we believe that the men and women of law enforcement are heroes who truly deserve our absolute support."
Yeah, tell that to the cops who died on January 6th and the days following.
- "Republicans should be the party of honest elections that can give everyone confidence in the future of our country."
I agree, so why are Republicans spending all their time trying to take away our right to vote?
- "When you look at the crowds outside that want your seats so badly, they will take your seat in two seconds. They want your seat. Congratulations."
…and the award for Most Modest Man in the World goes to…Donald Trump!
- "Because of my efforts campaigning, we had huge gains in the House. And I helped keep many senators in their seats -- and they will admit it -- so that it's now 50-50, instead of Republicans being down anywhere from eight to 10 seats."
When Trump became president, the GOP had control of the Senate, House, and White House. When he left, Democrats controlled the Senate, House, and White House. Nice going, Drumpf!
That’s it for today’s episode. I’ll see you again next week. Until then, you can check me out on Podbean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogger. This has been I Feel Snitty, with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.
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