I admit, I'm kind of old-school with phones. I typically use them for, well, calling people, and for answering others' phone calls. I'm crazy like that. I admit, I will check my email once in a while if I'm out and about, may take a picture of something I find to be amusing or interesting, and may play a word game or two, but that's about as far as I go. To this point in my life, I have never taken a selfie. You don't believe me, do you? Check my records. Not one selfie. I've also never partaken in these silly photo trends. You know the ones. I'm talking about: Planking, duck-faces, fake mustaches, and I'm not sure what else. I know - I'm no fun. Because, let's face it, when most people think about "fun," the first four things that pop into mind are: 1) Taking pictures of themselves (we're suddenly all professional photographers), 2) Laying out like you're a plank (Captain Hook would be proud...), 3) Making a face only a duck's mother could love (ugly duckling indeed...), and 4) Possessing a fake mustache (they suddenly became cool again post-'70s porn).
The only times I can see myself partaking in these silly trends are:
Planking - If a drunken cop suddenly devised a new sobriety test and said to me, "Shun, lay down, faith firth, with your armth exthended, like a plank. Hold that pothithin for fifteen theconds. Tharting now! Fifteen, fourteen, thirteen, twelve, ten, eight, theven, four, two, one. Okay, you did that pretty good. You can go now. Crap! Where did I leave my beer?"
Duck-face - If a girlfriend or wife of mine was in the mood for some lovin', and told me, "God, I'm so hot right now! You know what would turn me on more than anything right now? If you stuck your lips out and put them together like a duck. God, that's getting me going just thinking about it! Please? For me? Oohhh yes!"
Fake mustache - If I was at a costume party and dressed up like Groucho Marx, Rollie Fingers, or a made-up '70s porn star by the name of Mike Schwantz.
So, based on these silly picture trends, anything could potentially be such a trend going forward, right? In that case, allow me to make some suggestions. Trust me, these ideas may take a while to catch on, but once they do, they'll be the hottest things since Mercury - for whatever reason...
Standing - If you thought planking was funny, just wait till you take drunken photos of people standing with their arms extended upward. You'll have friends - especially the high ones - laughing all day, as they point and blurt out, "Are you a football ref now? That's so funny! You don't even have that zebra outfit on, and yet, you still look so legit! Ha! Ha! Ha!" It's as simple as that. Then after taking these photos, you can start going into your best (or worst) touchdown dance. Not only will you have a great drunken photo (oxymoron, yes) to show friends on Facebook, but you'll find yourself on YouTube as well! Planking will soon be a thing of the past! Standing will be the wave of the future!
False teeth - If you thought duck-faces were both hot and funny, just wait till you take your false-teeth pose! Bring those lips in all the way so it appears you don't have any teeth, and say cheese. Well, try saying cheese. You may be better off just not saying anything. Then post those photos on Instagram, and get 95% of the opposite sex hot and bothered by the sight of you. Not only is the pose funny, but it's sexy! What's the only thing sexier than duck-faces? False-teeth faces! Fact! So, get ready to start collecting numbers in the bunches by waving goodbye to the duck-face, and saying hello to the false-teeth face! Canes and walkers not included...
Bald-head wig - Mustaches are mainly associated with two groups of people - '70s porn stars and for whatever reason, pedophiles. Do you really want to be associated with either group? If so, here's a box of herpes for you, as well as a go-directly-to-jail card. So, let's toss those gonorrhea-infested fake mustaches aside, and grab a hold of some bald-head wigs! We typically associate baldness with experience, wisdom, baseball caps, and Mr. Clean. No matter how bad of a hair day you're having, place on this bald-head wig, and when you freak out the next morning when looking in the mirror, before realizing you're wearing a wig, you'll be grateful for that bad hair after all! If you're a college kid and are getting sick of being carded, place on this bald-head wig and you'll never get carded again! They look about as authentic as Chia Pet elephants! Gaining confidence?!? Not needing a fake ID?!? Looking wise beyond your years?!? Receiving looks from the opposite sex, as they fantasize about messing around with a man possessing so much experience?!? What more could you ask for? So, toss those dirty fake mustaches in the trash, and pull off your best Mr. Clean impersonation with the bald-head wig!
The only times I can see myself partaking in these silly trends are:
Planking - If a drunken cop suddenly devised a new sobriety test and said to me, "Shun, lay down, faith firth, with your armth exthended, like a plank. Hold that pothithin for fifteen theconds. Tharting now! Fifteen, fourteen, thirteen, twelve, ten, eight, theven, four, two, one. Okay, you did that pretty good. You can go now. Crap! Where did I leave my beer?"
Duck-face - If a girlfriend or wife of mine was in the mood for some lovin', and told me, "God, I'm so hot right now! You know what would turn me on more than anything right now? If you stuck your lips out and put them together like a duck. God, that's getting me going just thinking about it! Please? For me? Oohhh yes!"
Fake mustache - If I was at a costume party and dressed up like Groucho Marx, Rollie Fingers, or a made-up '70s porn star by the name of Mike Schwantz.
So, based on these silly picture trends, anything could potentially be such a trend going forward, right? In that case, allow me to make some suggestions. Trust me, these ideas may take a while to catch on, but once they do, they'll be the hottest things since Mercury - for whatever reason...
Standing - If you thought planking was funny, just wait till you take drunken photos of people standing with their arms extended upward. You'll have friends - especially the high ones - laughing all day, as they point and blurt out, "Are you a football ref now? That's so funny! You don't even have that zebra outfit on, and yet, you still look so legit! Ha! Ha! Ha!" It's as simple as that. Then after taking these photos, you can start going into your best (or worst) touchdown dance. Not only will you have a great drunken photo (oxymoron, yes) to show friends on Facebook, but you'll find yourself on YouTube as well! Planking will soon be a thing of the past! Standing will be the wave of the future!
False teeth - If you thought duck-faces were both hot and funny, just wait till you take your false-teeth pose! Bring those lips in all the way so it appears you don't have any teeth, and say cheese. Well, try saying cheese. You may be better off just not saying anything. Then post those photos on Instagram, and get 95% of the opposite sex hot and bothered by the sight of you. Not only is the pose funny, but it's sexy! What's the only thing sexier than duck-faces? False-teeth faces! Fact! So, get ready to start collecting numbers in the bunches by waving goodbye to the duck-face, and saying hello to the false-teeth face! Canes and walkers not included...
Bald-head wig - Mustaches are mainly associated with two groups of people - '70s porn stars and for whatever reason, pedophiles. Do you really want to be associated with either group? If so, here's a box of herpes for you, as well as a go-directly-to-jail card. So, let's toss those gonorrhea-infested fake mustaches aside, and grab a hold of some bald-head wigs! We typically associate baldness with experience, wisdom, baseball caps, and Mr. Clean. No matter how bad of a hair day you're having, place on this bald-head wig, and when you freak out the next morning when looking in the mirror, before realizing you're wearing a wig, you'll be grateful for that bad hair after all! If you're a college kid and are getting sick of being carded, place on this bald-head wig and you'll never get carded again! They look about as authentic as Chia Pet elephants! Gaining confidence?!? Not needing a fake ID?!? Looking wise beyond your years?!? Receiving looks from the opposite sex, as they fantasize about messing around with a man possessing so much experience?!? What more could you ask for? So, toss those dirty fake mustaches in the trash, and pull off your best Mr. Clean impersonation with the bald-head wig!
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