Hillary Clinton teaches Lindsey Graham how to send emails

Feeling embarrassed after admitting to the world he had never sent an email, South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham has reportedly asked former First Lady and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to teach him lessons on how to do so.

When I spoke with the South Carolina senator, he confirmed the matter, saying, "Oh, dear golly, gosh, me. I can't wait to place my fingers on that big, long black thing with lots of buttons while I look at that TV screen looking deal to see if I pressed all the right buttons. I remember a day back in college when this nice young man pressed all my right buttons, but that was a long, long time ago. Gosh, does anyone have a fan? It's suddenly getting mighty hot in here! Whew... Anyway, where was I?"

Also, when asked if he had ever used a computer before, Senator Graham said this:

"Oh, sure. Well, I call it my solitary filing station. It's where I play that card game 'solitary' and file my nails in between games. I mean, what else is it good for, you know?"

Upon hearing these comments, Hillary Clinton wasn't pleased, saying, "Jesus Christ! I told him I'd give him one five-minute lesson and that was it! I mean, it's not rocket science, brain surgery, or climate-change denial or anything! I bet you the guy hasn't even heard of Facebook!"

When I caught up with the South Carolina senator to ask him that very question, he responded with, "Face what? Facebook? Can I check that out at the library or something? What's it about? Faces, I'm guessing?"

It's being rumored that if Linda Blair had seen Ms. Clinton's eyes roll in response to Graham's comment, even she would have been impressed.

Update: Hillary Clinton has just finished teaching her seventh how-to-send-an-email lesson to Lindsey Graham.

After finishing this lesson, Ms. Clinton told me, "Well, he can turn the computer on properly about 75% of the time now, so that's a start."

Senator Graham's mind was elsewhere, however, as he told me, "You know, some people's mission is to find that Waldo person. For me? My ultimate mission is to find and check out Facebook at a library! I'm 0 for 24 so far, but it's gonna happen one of these days I tell ya!"

My podcast, "I Feel Snitty," is available at Amazon Music!

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Boycotting jukeboxes because of TouchTunes

I love music and enjoy hitting the bar(s) over the weekend, so naturally, when the mood strikes me, I've never been coy about playing some songs on the jukebox. This past Thursday, a friend of mine turned 50, so several friends of her's, including myself, all met up to celebrate the occasion. At around 9:30, a friend of mine and I both chipped in $5 to play some songs on the jukebox. Four hours and 231 skips later, we gave up on hearing the songs we had selected, and went home knowing we had just wasted $5. This wasn't the first time such a thing had happened to me (and many others), and due to that, I'll be boycotting jukeboxes. Why? The scam known as TouchTunes. You see, here's how the plot typically breaks down. A person (or group of people) downloads the TouchTunes app on his/her phone, consumes one too many adult beverages, and due to this, has less care for spending extra money to hear the songs of their choosing right NOW. That's the thing with TouchTun...

The difference between "looking" and "checking out"

I may be way off with these numbers, but it's my approximation that at least 75% of individuals whom are involved in a serious relationship feel it's perfectly acceptable to "check out" members of the opposite sex they're not involved with. Meanwhile, approximately 25% either don't feel this is acceptable or aren't sure about the matter. I hadn't thought about this matter for a while, but since I've been dating a woman for about 8 months, the topic has been pondered about some. When reading or hearing others discuss this very issue, I often times hear comments similar to the following: "It's human nature to look." "There's nothing wrong with checking others out. I'm sure he/she does it too!" "It's fine to do it. Just don't tell your boyfriend/girlfriend about it or do it in front of them!" "It's natural to find people attractive." When observing the array of comments, I i...

The Kind-Hearted Smart Aleck

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