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What I learned in Week 9 of the NFL season

In Week 9 of the NFL season, I learned that...

- ...Oakland's so bad, they're about to receive more Razzie nominations than an Adam Sandler film.

- ..., picking between Tom Brady and Aaron Rodgers is apparently like picking between the Rolling Stones and the Beatles. Having said that, Brady's likely songs would be "Gimme Gisele" and "Time Is On My Side," while Rodgers's would be "All You Need Is Munn" and "We Can Work It Out." But I say, let's just enjoy these two great quarterbacks while they're still in the league and appreciate their talents. So in other words, "Let It Be."

- ...Jeff Foxworthy needs to watch a Detroit Lions game so he can start telling the joke, "If your name is Jim Bob Cooter, you might be a redneck."

- ...the world would be a better place if millennials followed in NFL players' footsteps, where they'd gather with friends at a public place and pose for a picture while holding a make-believe camera or smartphone.

- ...the Detroit Lions protect Matthew Stafford about as well as a holed-up baby sock protects a porn star named Raul Longinschwantz against impregnating a woman.

- ..., when opposing defenses around the league asked Buffalo Bills quarterback Nathan Peterman to be their BFF, he happily accepted.

- ..., after missing two extra points, Los Angeles Chargers placekicker Caleb Sturgis's job is about as safe as driving in reverse down the Autobahn at 180 mph after hanging out with Willie Nelson for 3 hours in his tour bus.

- ..., when Carrie Underwood sings "Game on!," I'm quite tempted to turn the game off.

- ...the New England Patriots get away with more picks than a guy named Stinky Pete with a wedgie problem at a movie theater.

- ..., if the New England Patriots ran an interception back for a touchdown and Tom Brady was sleeping on the sideline, Cris Collinsworth would say, "That was all Tom Brady right there. Did you see that snore on the sideline? That was part of a secret language between Brady and whoever scored. Just unbelievable."

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