Transcript for Podcast: "I Feel Snitty," Episode 46: "Putting the 'Dumb' in 'Freedumb,'" is now available!
Podcast: "I Feel Snitty"
Episode 46: Putting the "Dumb" in "Freedumb"
Premiere Date: 5/9/20
Length: 8:04 (1,261 words)
Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/putting-the-dumb-in-freedumb/
Transcript:
Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 46, entitled, “Putting the ‘Dumb’ in ‘Freedumb’.” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki.
It’s often said that crises, like Coronavirus, bring out the best in people. This may be true for some, but it sure brings out the stupid in others.
Take these back-to-work rallies, for example. The CDC, or Centers for Disease Control, has released guidelines to help prevent the spread of Coronavirus. Governors all across the country have imposed statewide lockdowns to aid in furthering this cause. What are some of these guidelines? Avoid group gatherings. Stand 6-feet apart. Wear masks. Etc. So what do these individuals decide to do? Gather in groups, stand shoulder-to-shoulder, perhaps ass-to-face in some cases, and free their faces of anything but rage, spit, and possibly clown makeup.
Do they not realize how stupid this is? Considering the fact they’re appearing at said rallies at all I suppose answers that question, but I digress. Attending these rallies in groups and increasing the odds of spreading COVID-19 as a result, they’re just increasing the chances that lockdowns will get extended and they’ll be out of work for a longer period of time than would have been the case had they stayed at home instead.
Look, I’m all for protests. People should be free to express their beliefs against government actions without fear of persecution. However, when doing so endangers the lives of others, not only is it selfish and stupid, it’s unpatriotic. It’d be like groups of people protesting smoking bans by tying people up and blowing smoke in their faces for a couple of hours at a time. It’d endanger their lives, others’ lives, the environment, and I can all but guarantee stricter smoking laws would be passed and implemented not long afterward.
Then there are the beachgoers. After restrictions were lifted on beaches in some states, what did people immediately start doing? Attending speedo orgies at the beaches, of course. Sure, that might be a slight exaggeration, with slight being the key word. It’s just like when the prohibition ended, the wisest move would have been to binge-drink to the point of alcohol poisoning and death, because what better way is it to enjoy a freedom again than by immediately killing yourself with it? I believe Einstein said that, but I’m not 100% certain. I’ll have to get back to you.
Between the years of 2010-2011 and 2018-2019, there has been an average of 28,646,765 cases of the flu every year in this country, including 37,462 deaths per year. That’s a mortality rate of 0.13%. A person with the normal flu averages to infect 1.3 additional people. A person with Coronavirus, however, averages to infect 2.2 other individuals. When you do the math, if none of these lockdowns had taken place and COVID-19 cases reached the level of normal flu cases in an average year, approximately 48,479,141 people would have gotten infected with Coronavirus in this country, and as the current mortality rate of it is 6.07%, it would have resulted in 2,942,684 deaths. Unfortunately, if that weren’t bad enough, those final two numbers are continuing to rise.
So what’s with these people? Do they not believe in science? Are they suicidal? Do they secretly hope to become a carrier and infect their spouses, who have been protesting monogamy by sleeping with their twin sisters? These rallies make zero sense morally and logically. Not only are they endangering complete strangers’ lives, they’re hampering their own cause and potentially endangering the lives of themselves and their loved ones.
It’d be like the following fictional story I’m about to share for my From Snark to Finish segment of the week, entitled, “The Dumbshits.”
Mike Dumbshit: “Hey honey, you know how the doctor told us we needed to lose about 300 lbs. a piece if we didn’t want to have heart attacks in the next couple of weeks?”
Joanna Dumbshit: “Yes, dear, of course. Why?”
Mike: “Well, I got me an idear.”
Joanna: “Oh? Let’s hear it.”
Mike: “Okay, first, go grab the kids – Mikey, Jr. and Mikey the 5th. This needs to be one of them family discussions.”
Joanna: “Okay, kids. You can pause Duck Dynasty and watch it when we’re done.”
Mike, Jr.: “But, mom! We were just about to go outside with the guns Uncle Chester gave us for our communion and shoot us some llamas.”
Joanna: “Those aren’t llamas. Those are horses, and you can’t shoot them.”
Mike the 5th: “Like hell we can’t! That’s our 2nd amendment right, right there. The right to bear arms and shoot llamas shall not be infringed.”
Joanna: “Again, they’re horses, and those are our pets, our friends. You both rode them at your birthday party just last year.”
Mike, Jr.: “Yeah, about that, mom. We need to start having separate birthday parties. It’s not right that we always have the same ones.”
Joanna: “But you’re twins.”
Mike: “Hey, hey, come on now. Get over here. We need to have us a family dissertation or whatever. Gather round.”
Mike the 5th: “Fine. What is it, dad?”
Mike: “Okay, while I think them doctors are full of you know what…”
Mike, Jr.: “Shit, dad?”
Mike: “That’s right.”
Mike the 5th: “But he’s not a Dumbshit like us, right, dad?”
Mike: “Never! We’re the Dumbshits and we should be proud to be the Dumbshits!”
Mike, Jr.: “Dumbshits for life!”
Mike: “Yes, yes, fine, good, okay. Now listen to me for a second. Even though we all think them doctors are stupid idjits, I think it’s probably good to try and lose a little bit of weight. All of us. You too, Jr. It’s a damn shame what you did to that school swing-set after you placed just one butt cheek on that thing. Anyway, so I’ve written out a diet and exercise plan for all of us. Not only that, but I think the plan is so good, we could make a little money by sharing it with all your friends and their families. We’ll do the same, your mother – Joanna – and I.”
Joanna: “Ooh, I like the sound of this, Mike. What have you come up with?”
Mike: “I call it the Dumbshit Diet. First off, no fruits, no vegetables, no water, and no vitamins. Also, the more you move, the worse you’ll be.”
Mike the 5th: “I like the sound of this so far, dad.”
Mike, Jr.: “Yeah, me too! Tell us more!”
Mike: “Every day of the week will have a certain theme, as far as food goes. When it comes to walking around or whatever, just don’t do it. It’s as simple as that. For food, it’ll be: Mud-Pie Mondays; Twinkie Tuesdays; Wedenbacher Wednesdays…”
Joanna: “Honey, isn’t it Orville Redenbacher?”
Mike: “That’s just what them Commie Russians call it. The ‘R’ is silent.”
Joanna: “But where’s the ‘w’?”
Mike: “Don’t matter. May I continue? Thank you. After that, we’ve got Three Cakes Thursdays; Funnel Fries Fridays; Sack of Candy Saturdays; and Steak Sundays. How does that all sound?”
Mike, Jr.: “Sounds great, dad!”
Mike the 5th: “Can we go and shoot llamas now?”
Mike: “Hey, if you can find an actual llama in the backyard, by all means, shoot it. Now go on and waddle on out there. But before you do, what do you say?”
Everyone: “Dumbshits! Dumbshits! Dumbshits! Dumbshits!”
That’s it for today’s episode. I’ll see you again next week. Until then, you can check me out on Podbean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogger. This has been I Feel Snitty with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.
Episode 46: Putting the "Dumb" in "Freedumb"
Premiere Date: 5/9/20
Length: 8:04 (1,261 words)
Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/putting-the-dumb-in-freedumb/
Transcript:
Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 46, entitled, “Putting the ‘Dumb’ in ‘Freedumb’.” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki.
It’s often said that crises, like Coronavirus, bring out the best in people. This may be true for some, but it sure brings out the stupid in others.
Take these back-to-work rallies, for example. The CDC, or Centers for Disease Control, has released guidelines to help prevent the spread of Coronavirus. Governors all across the country have imposed statewide lockdowns to aid in furthering this cause. What are some of these guidelines? Avoid group gatherings. Stand 6-feet apart. Wear masks. Etc. So what do these individuals decide to do? Gather in groups, stand shoulder-to-shoulder, perhaps ass-to-face in some cases, and free their faces of anything but rage, spit, and possibly clown makeup.
Do they not realize how stupid this is? Considering the fact they’re appearing at said rallies at all I suppose answers that question, but I digress. Attending these rallies in groups and increasing the odds of spreading COVID-19 as a result, they’re just increasing the chances that lockdowns will get extended and they’ll be out of work for a longer period of time than would have been the case had they stayed at home instead.
Look, I’m all for protests. People should be free to express their beliefs against government actions without fear of persecution. However, when doing so endangers the lives of others, not only is it selfish and stupid, it’s unpatriotic. It’d be like groups of people protesting smoking bans by tying people up and blowing smoke in their faces for a couple of hours at a time. It’d endanger their lives, others’ lives, the environment, and I can all but guarantee stricter smoking laws would be passed and implemented not long afterward.
Then there are the beachgoers. After restrictions were lifted on beaches in some states, what did people immediately start doing? Attending speedo orgies at the beaches, of course. Sure, that might be a slight exaggeration, with slight being the key word. It’s just like when the prohibition ended, the wisest move would have been to binge-drink to the point of alcohol poisoning and death, because what better way is it to enjoy a freedom again than by immediately killing yourself with it? I believe Einstein said that, but I’m not 100% certain. I’ll have to get back to you.
Between the years of 2010-2011 and 2018-2019, there has been an average of 28,646,765 cases of the flu every year in this country, including 37,462 deaths per year. That’s a mortality rate of 0.13%. A person with the normal flu averages to infect 1.3 additional people. A person with Coronavirus, however, averages to infect 2.2 other individuals. When you do the math, if none of these lockdowns had taken place and COVID-19 cases reached the level of normal flu cases in an average year, approximately 48,479,141 people would have gotten infected with Coronavirus in this country, and as the current mortality rate of it is 6.07%, it would have resulted in 2,942,684 deaths. Unfortunately, if that weren’t bad enough, those final two numbers are continuing to rise.
So what’s with these people? Do they not believe in science? Are they suicidal? Do they secretly hope to become a carrier and infect their spouses, who have been protesting monogamy by sleeping with their twin sisters? These rallies make zero sense morally and logically. Not only are they endangering complete strangers’ lives, they’re hampering their own cause and potentially endangering the lives of themselves and their loved ones.
It’d be like the following fictional story I’m about to share for my From Snark to Finish segment of the week, entitled, “The Dumbshits.”
Mike Dumbshit: “Hey honey, you know how the doctor told us we needed to lose about 300 lbs. a piece if we didn’t want to have heart attacks in the next couple of weeks?”
Joanna Dumbshit: “Yes, dear, of course. Why?”
Mike: “Well, I got me an idear.”
Joanna: “Oh? Let’s hear it.”
Mike: “Okay, first, go grab the kids – Mikey, Jr. and Mikey the 5th. This needs to be one of them family discussions.”
Joanna: “Okay, kids. You can pause Duck Dynasty and watch it when we’re done.”
Mike, Jr.: “But, mom! We were just about to go outside with the guns Uncle Chester gave us for our communion and shoot us some llamas.”
Joanna: “Those aren’t llamas. Those are horses, and you can’t shoot them.”
Mike the 5th: “Like hell we can’t! That’s our 2nd amendment right, right there. The right to bear arms and shoot llamas shall not be infringed.”
Joanna: “Again, they’re horses, and those are our pets, our friends. You both rode them at your birthday party just last year.”
Mike, Jr.: “Yeah, about that, mom. We need to start having separate birthday parties. It’s not right that we always have the same ones.”
Joanna: “But you’re twins.”
Mike: “Hey, hey, come on now. Get over here. We need to have us a family dissertation or whatever. Gather round.”
Mike the 5th: “Fine. What is it, dad?”
Mike: “Okay, while I think them doctors are full of you know what…”
Mike, Jr.: “Shit, dad?”
Mike: “That’s right.”
Mike the 5th: “But he’s not a Dumbshit like us, right, dad?”
Mike: “Never! We’re the Dumbshits and we should be proud to be the Dumbshits!”
Mike, Jr.: “Dumbshits for life!”
Mike: “Yes, yes, fine, good, okay. Now listen to me for a second. Even though we all think them doctors are stupid idjits, I think it’s probably good to try and lose a little bit of weight. All of us. You too, Jr. It’s a damn shame what you did to that school swing-set after you placed just one butt cheek on that thing. Anyway, so I’ve written out a diet and exercise plan for all of us. Not only that, but I think the plan is so good, we could make a little money by sharing it with all your friends and their families. We’ll do the same, your mother – Joanna – and I.”
Joanna: “Ooh, I like the sound of this, Mike. What have you come up with?”
Mike: “I call it the Dumbshit Diet. First off, no fruits, no vegetables, no water, and no vitamins. Also, the more you move, the worse you’ll be.”
Mike the 5th: “I like the sound of this so far, dad.”
Mike, Jr.: “Yeah, me too! Tell us more!”
Mike: “Every day of the week will have a certain theme, as far as food goes. When it comes to walking around or whatever, just don’t do it. It’s as simple as that. For food, it’ll be: Mud-Pie Mondays; Twinkie Tuesdays; Wedenbacher Wednesdays…”
Joanna: “Honey, isn’t it Orville Redenbacher?”
Mike: “That’s just what them Commie Russians call it. The ‘R’ is silent.”
Joanna: “But where’s the ‘w’?”
Mike: “Don’t matter. May I continue? Thank you. After that, we’ve got Three Cakes Thursdays; Funnel Fries Fridays; Sack of Candy Saturdays; and Steak Sundays. How does that all sound?”
Mike, Jr.: “Sounds great, dad!”
Mike the 5th: “Can we go and shoot llamas now?”
Mike: “Hey, if you can find an actual llama in the backyard, by all means, shoot it. Now go on and waddle on out there. But before you do, what do you say?”
Everyone: “Dumbshits! Dumbshits! Dumbshits! Dumbshits!”
That’s it for today’s episode. I’ll see you again next week. Until then, you can check me out on Podbean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogger. This has been I Feel Snitty with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.
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