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If I had a 900 number...

For a number of years now, I've been regularly complimented on my speaking voice. I hear myself differently than others hear me, so I can't exactly tell you what it is they seem to hear and like. However, through the years, I've heard others say the following about my voice: "You should be on the radio," "You could be like the male version of Delilah," "It's deep," "It's sexy," "Have you ever thought about becoming a DJ?" "Is your singing voice as nice as your regular voice?" "You've got the radio-face, man, no - I mean voice. Damn, I'm drunk," among other lovely observations. Just last week, a new friend of mine jokingly said (I think she was joking anyway), "With a sexy voice like that, you could have your own 900 number." In light of that comment, I thought I'd have a little fun with it and bring forth some ideas for my own 900 number.

Hotline: White Chocolate

Automated introduction message:

"Hey baby, how is your fine self doing on this fine day? What are you doing this evening? Why don't you take a load off, relax, and talk to White Chocolate tonight? I'm sweet, yet naughty, with the voice of Barry White and the complexion of the Pillsbury Doughboy. Well, for a limited time only, you can help make my sweet bread rise for just $19.81 for the first 15 minutes and just a dollar a minute after that. White Chocolate is waiting for you. What are you waiting for?"


Hotline: Trust Me, I'm Not a Doctor

Automated introduction message: 

"Well, hello there. I'm guessing that you're calling because something seems out of place or missing in your life. Either your partner of 14 years left you to go on a spiritual journey with a member of the same sex by the name of Claude, you've been disappointed by the lack of quality people you've met as a bouncer at a nightclub by the name of 'Man-whores Are People Too,' or you're a Chicago Cubs fan. Whatever the case may be, Dr. Love will talk to you about it, give you advice you'll never find in a horoscope or fortune cookie, and make you realize that you, yes you, deserve to be happy. No, I may not technically be a doctor, but just listen to my voice. I kind of sound like I know what I'm talking about, don't I? You want to believe me, don't you? So, come on - what could it hurt to talk to a complete stranger for a while about your deepest and darkest of secrets? I promise I won't tell anyone. I'll keep the secrets between you and I, and a few people you'll likely never meet. You can trust me. My name may not actually be Dr. Love, but besides that, I've never lied to you. So, come on - talk to Dr. Love. I'll listen..."


Hotline: Sir Tease-a-Lot

Automated introduction message: 

"Hey girl. How you doin'? I bet you could be doing a little better, couldn't you? Well, that's where I come in. I'm Roz and let me tell you something, I know how to treat a lady. I know to make her feel special. I know just what she likes and how she likes it, and for just $20 for the first 10 minutes and a dollar a minute after that, I'll make you feel special, and act like I'm about to do all the things you like just how you like them, before pulling back and talking about something else that's nice and hot - the weather. That's right, baby, for just $20, you can get teased in a way you never thought was possible - to the point where you start yelling obscenities, throw random objects that are nearby, and dial your ex for a booty call. Come on... Who doesn't like spending money to be teased by a voice like this? You know you want it. You won't get it, but you know you want it. Fork that money over. Your ex is waiting..."

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