I've never been one to club. I enjoy going to bars with friends or family, joking around, listening to good music, people-watching, and pretending we're on the show Mystery Science Theater 3000 as we make up stories about these very people. However, while I have no problem talking to random people at bars and introducing myself by sticking out my right hand out, saying, "I'm Craig," and shaking the person's hand, I've never been too fond of being introduced to someone by them rubbing themselves up against me without even telling me their name. Maybe I'm strange like that, but as my mama always said, "When speaking to a lady for the first time, make sure you're respectful to her. Don't go rubbing your junk all over her in hopes that your territory is marked and she'll only talk to you the rest of the night. This is especially the case if you got that herpes thing that's been going around." Alright, so my mother never said that, but if she did, I would happen to agree with her - and no, I don't have herpes.
It just amazes me how it seems all of those common courtesy rules go out the window when at the club, and made me wonder how comical certain situations would appear if these introduction philosophies were reversed. Let's see, shall we?
Setting: A club by the name of PDH (or Polite Dry Humpers)
Introduction philosophy: The polar opposite of typical clubs
:: a techno song by the name of "Bump 'n' Grind, Please" starts playing ::
Shawniqua Nogonrhea: :: dances with some of her girlfriends ::
Tony Baloney: :: walks up to her, sticks out his right hand :: "Well, hello there. How are you? My name is Anthony Baloney. I work in real estate, have never been married, don't have any kids, and love to dance. What's your name?"
Shawniqua: "Shawniqua. It's nice to meet you, Anthony."
Tony: "Oh, please, call me Tony."
:: the two shake hands ::
Tony: "So, do you come here often?"
Shawniqua: "This is actually my first time here."
Tony: "Would it be alright if I danced with you, Shawniqua?"
Shawniqua: "I'd like that."
Tony: "Do you mind if I rub my junk on you as part of this dance?"
Shawniqua: "That's very sweet of you to ask. So, yeah, I guess so."
:: they start bumping and grinding ::
Tony: "So, what do you do for a living?"
Shawniqua: "I'm a lawyer."
Tony: "Fascinating. Ever been married or have any kids?"
Shawniqua: "Do you always talk this much while you're dancing?"
Tony: "You did see the name of the place, right?"
Shawniqua: "Yeah - PDH"
Tony: "Do you know what that stands for?"
Shawniqua: "I have no idea."
Tony: "It stands for 'Polite Dry Humpers' This is how most of the guys in here behave."
Shawniqua: "Oh, okay..." :: starts walking away ::
Tony: "Where are you going?"
Shawniqua: "To see if there's a club in the area where the only men allowed are mimes."
Tony: "Best of luck with your career. It's been a pleasure."
Shawniqua: "Shut it, Anthony Baloney!"
Tony: "Please, call me Tony."
Shawniqua: "Ugh!"
Setting: A formal business-related dinner
Introduction philosophy: Like most clubs
President Raphael Prudish: "I'd like to welcome everyone to our annual dinner. I see people I've never even met before, from our offices in Toledo, San Jose, and elsewhere. Before we partake in what will surely be a fabulous dinner, I'd like for all of us to go around and introduce ourselves to one another. After we do that, we can start enjoying the food and wine. So, shall we?"
:: they all stand up and start rubbing themselves against one another, before sitting back down at their assigned seats ::
Raphael: "Well, I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm out of breath at the moment. There's nothing quite like meeting so many good people at once, don't you all agree? Fortunately, I didn't take Viagra today, and I sincerely hope no one else did either. Well, anyway, after all that hard work, I'm especially hungry at the moment, but feel the need to go outside and smoke a cigarette first. Who's with me?"
:: Everyone else joins him outside for a smoke, before sitting back down at their seats ::
Raphael: "Sorry for the delay, but there's nothing quite like that post-introduction smoke, if you know what I mean. So, what are we all sitting around for? Let's eat!"
It just amazes me how it seems all of those common courtesy rules go out the window when at the club, and made me wonder how comical certain situations would appear if these introduction philosophies were reversed. Let's see, shall we?
Setting: A club by the name of PDH (or Polite Dry Humpers)
Introduction philosophy: The polar opposite of typical clubs
:: a techno song by the name of "Bump 'n' Grind, Please" starts playing ::
Shawniqua Nogonrhea: :: dances with some of her girlfriends ::
Tony Baloney: :: walks up to her, sticks out his right hand :: "Well, hello there. How are you? My name is Anthony Baloney. I work in real estate, have never been married, don't have any kids, and love to dance. What's your name?"
Shawniqua: "Shawniqua. It's nice to meet you, Anthony."
Tony: "Oh, please, call me Tony."
:: the two shake hands ::
Tony: "So, do you come here often?"
Shawniqua: "This is actually my first time here."
Tony: "Would it be alright if I danced with you, Shawniqua?"
Shawniqua: "I'd like that."
Tony: "Do you mind if I rub my junk on you as part of this dance?"
Shawniqua: "That's very sweet of you to ask. So, yeah, I guess so."
:: they start bumping and grinding ::
Tony: "So, what do you do for a living?"
Shawniqua: "I'm a lawyer."
Tony: "Fascinating. Ever been married or have any kids?"
Shawniqua: "Do you always talk this much while you're dancing?"
Tony: "You did see the name of the place, right?"
Shawniqua: "Yeah - PDH"
Tony: "Do you know what that stands for?"
Shawniqua: "I have no idea."
Tony: "It stands for 'Polite Dry Humpers' This is how most of the guys in here behave."
Shawniqua: "Oh, okay..." :: starts walking away ::
Tony: "Where are you going?"
Shawniqua: "To see if there's a club in the area where the only men allowed are mimes."
Tony: "Best of luck with your career. It's been a pleasure."
Shawniqua: "Shut it, Anthony Baloney!"
Tony: "Please, call me Tony."
Shawniqua: "Ugh!"
Setting: A formal business-related dinner
Introduction philosophy: Like most clubs
President Raphael Prudish: "I'd like to welcome everyone to our annual dinner. I see people I've never even met before, from our offices in Toledo, San Jose, and elsewhere. Before we partake in what will surely be a fabulous dinner, I'd like for all of us to go around and introduce ourselves to one another. After we do that, we can start enjoying the food and wine. So, shall we?"
:: they all stand up and start rubbing themselves against one another, before sitting back down at their assigned seats ::
Raphael: "Well, I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm out of breath at the moment. There's nothing quite like meeting so many good people at once, don't you all agree? Fortunately, I didn't take Viagra today, and I sincerely hope no one else did either. Well, anyway, after all that hard work, I'm especially hungry at the moment, but feel the need to go outside and smoke a cigarette first. Who's with me?"
:: Everyone else joins him outside for a smoke, before sitting back down at their seats ::
Raphael: "Sorry for the delay, but there's nothing quite like that post-introduction smoke, if you know what I mean. So, what are we all sitting around for? Let's eat!"
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