It seems that because of the Sarah Palin Channel, political satire may not be necessary, because I'm not sure Jon Stewart or Stephen Colbert could have even satirized Sarah Palin better than she satirized herself with a recent speech she gave. Please join me in reading this one-of-a-kind speech, where Palin comes across as drunker than a man nicknamed Mr. Slur-a-Lot by his bar buddies. ...and yes, I may make a few remarks of my own regarding Palin's seemingly drunken tirade. Ms. Palin, please take it away!
"We believe that Washington DC need to take less of our money it need more scrutiny, fewer bureaucrats... and it needs a reminder of the principles laid down in the constitution that our leaders swear to defend."
It appears as if the former Alaska Governor has decided to go the what's-grammar-again route. This should make for a few good laughs, or headaches, or perhaps both. Please continue...
"Furthermore we believe crony capitalism is infecting both sides of the aisle in DC, so we're working really hard to root it out of our party. At senator Warren, what are you doing to root it out of yours?"
"At former Governor Palin," what are you doing to root it out of yours? Ha-ha! Two can play at that game! By the way, what's hard work again? Quitting midway through a term? I was just wondering. Please go on...
"Mmm heh, we believe in science, and god's magnificent creation overflowing with natural resources. That means, we have a responsibility to honor him by protecting the earth as we we develop our resources in an environmentally sound way for mankind's use."
So, let me get this straight, to Ms. Palin, science can be defined as "God's magnificent creation of overflowing natural resources"? Is that correct? I can only wonder what Sheldon Cooper would say in response to that. Anyway, as you were saying, former governor?
"We believe the internet shouldn't be censored by the worlds tyrants, that means President Obama should reverse his disastrous decision to hand over control of internet domains to the UN, where it will come under the thumb of authoritarian regimes like Russia and China."
Authoritarian regimes? I thought Vlady (Putin) was your buddy. Come on, Sarah. Aren't you Mama Grizzly? Rumor has it that Putin eats dinner off Grizzly's backs and then cuddles with them before falling asleep. As far as we know, Putin is Papa Grizzly. If so, I'm sensing a match on GrizzlyHarmony.com.
"We believe in lifting Americans out of poverty and into sustainable jobs, Now that means government needs to butt out, butt out of employee pay issues and quit over regulating businesses and increasing taxes it drives up operating costs, that's what effects wages."
So, the government needs to butt out with regard to those living in poverty all the while helping those in poverty? How does that work exactly?
Government: "We're taking away your food stamps!"
Poverty-stricken family: "But our children and us will starve!"
Government: "We're only trying to help get you out of poverty."
Family: "What?!?"
"'We believe'? Wait, I thought fast food joints, hurh. Don’t you guys think that they’re like of the Devil or somethin’ I was. Liberals, you want to send those evil employees who would dare work at a fast food joint then ya just don’t believe in, thought you wanted to, I dunno, send them to Purgatory or somethin’ so they all go vegan and, uh, wages and picket lines I dunno they’re not often discussed in Purgatory, are they? I dunno why are you even worried about fast food wages because ha. Well we believe an America, where minimum wage jobs, they're not like life time gigs, they're stepping stones to a good job with sustainable wages, hm, teaches work ethic, we believe in helping Americans climb the economic ladder, not get stuck on that first rung. A strong economy with good paying jobs it comes from free enterprise, not from a top down bloated big government command and control economy.”
I have a good feeling this is when the shots of Everclear finally hit Ms. Palin.
"We believe that students learn not to make decisions that result in a lot of debt and we believe that schools need to be more accountable for the insane increase in tuition and their insane curriculum, many of 'em. It is no accident Elizabeth that the rise in tuition corresponds with a rise in government, intervention! More government isn't the answer."
So, when President Obama and many Democrats attempt to pass bills to lower tuition costs, only to have these efforts halted by members of your own party, these bills would actually have increased tuition costs? So, does that mean when an item is half-off at a retail outlet, that actually means it's double the original price? Fascinating...
"We believe a pension is a promise it must be honored, OK we do that by using common sense and prioritizing budgets that once and for all will end waste and fraud and the crony capitalism and the stupid political decisions that are bankrupting our nation! We believe that in order to keep faith with future generations and fulfill our current commitments to our seniors...Well we must enact sensible entitlement reform."
What's common sense again, Ms. Palin? That science is God's overflowing natural resources? That's what I thought...
"We believe, I cant believe I have to say this in 2014 we believe in equal pay for equal work and President Obama should abandon his hypocritical practice of paying women less than men, in his campaign, in his administration, and in the white house, uhh, the leader of your party Elizabeth could set an example for the rest of the country."
Allow me to translate the drunken gibberish: "We believe in equal pay for equal work, but don't vote that way because it would make President Obama and the Democraps happy! So there!"
"We believe that all men and women are created equal, they claim we are not tolerant, well, we believe that tolerance goes both ways, You know, uh, that means respecting people's rights to disagree with you. Instead of trying to intimidate or silence us, we believe the answer to free speech you find offensive, is more free speech not less."
Again, I'd like to translate her statement: "We believe that all men and women are created equal, except for: Women, gays, blacks, Latinos, those trans people, Muslims, atheists, and poor folk. Oh, and it's hypocritical for you to tolerate all of these people but to not tolerate our intolerance of them! Hypocrites!"
"We believe that legal immigration the help make this country strong and vibrant and that means welcoming law abiding hard working immigrants who wish to come here legally and pledge their allegiance to the United States of America! Furthermore we believe as none other than Cesar Chavez believed that if illegal immigration hurts the country it unfairly hurts working class Americans of all races all backgrounds who are seeking good paying jobs, security for their families."
...and the apparent word of the day is "furthermore."
"We believe women have a right to their bodies, just as babies have a right to their living breathing bodies nestled in a mother womb. Hey, and anyone who wants contraception, more power to ya, can continue to freely buy any kind you want no one is stopping you, we'll fight for the right of private businesses including Hobby Lobby to work with you to figure out health care coverage themselves. Anyway the owners of those businesses, that they built themselves, anyway they want to. Knowing that, eh, come on government intervention it just always is, screws everything up. Furthermore we believe that religious liberty is enshrined in our constitution, remember, the government has no right to cause people to violate their religious beliefs and if try to take any of our constitutional rights away we will fight for them."
Governor Palin, how do you freely buy something? I'd honestly like to know. Is there a secret code? Certain stores? Can I just walk up to a cashier somewhere and say, "Got anything I can buy for free?" Please let me know if and when you learn how to do this. Thanks...
"One final thought for Senator Warren and her would be progressive populous, we believe as conservatives, as Ronald Reagan said that you cant be for both big taxes, big government, big bureaucracy and still be for the little guy. Well, we stand with the little guy being bullied and beaten down by the progressive left's failed policies of yours Elizabeth Warren. We stand for free men and free markets. The twin ideals that made this nation strong peaceful and prosperous. We say, god bless America, uh, we hope you say that Senator Warren. Woot, crushed it baby!"
Crushed what exactly? The English language? English professors' hearts? Intelligent people's minds, as we reach for some Excedrin? "Furthermore," I'd like to ask Palin what her vision is of the "little guy" that she claims her party defends. Is his name ExxonMobil by any chance? Ironically enough, the "little guy" has been crushed by Reaganomics' trickle-down effect. While Senator Warren and many like her have attempted to stop or at least slow down this vicious trend, which results in the rich becoming richer and the middle- and lower-classes increasingly struggling to make end's meet, people like Sarah Palin have stood by this philosophy, continued to fight for the rich and corporations' rights over 99% of people in this country, yet still have the gall to claim their party fights for the "little guy"? The only "little guy" she and her party fights for is the one that has yet to be born. Once he's born, however, he's on his own...
http://www.dailykos.com/story/2014/08/13/1321191/-Sarah-Palin-Brutally-Takes-Down-Elizabeth-Warren
"We believe that Washington DC need to take less of our money it need more scrutiny, fewer bureaucrats... and it needs a reminder of the principles laid down in the constitution that our leaders swear to defend."
It appears as if the former Alaska Governor has decided to go the what's-grammar-again route. This should make for a few good laughs, or headaches, or perhaps both. Please continue...
"Furthermore we believe crony capitalism is infecting both sides of the aisle in DC, so we're working really hard to root it out of our party. At senator Warren, what are you doing to root it out of yours?"
"At former Governor Palin," what are you doing to root it out of yours? Ha-ha! Two can play at that game! By the way, what's hard work again? Quitting midway through a term? I was just wondering. Please go on...
"Mmm heh, we believe in science, and god's magnificent creation overflowing with natural resources. That means, we have a responsibility to honor him by protecting the earth as we we develop our resources in an environmentally sound way for mankind's use."
So, let me get this straight, to Ms. Palin, science can be defined as "God's magnificent creation of overflowing natural resources"? Is that correct? I can only wonder what Sheldon Cooper would say in response to that. Anyway, as you were saying, former governor?
"We believe the internet shouldn't be censored by the worlds tyrants, that means President Obama should reverse his disastrous decision to hand over control of internet domains to the UN, where it will come under the thumb of authoritarian regimes like Russia and China."
Authoritarian regimes? I thought Vlady (Putin) was your buddy. Come on, Sarah. Aren't you Mama Grizzly? Rumor has it that Putin eats dinner off Grizzly's backs and then cuddles with them before falling asleep. As far as we know, Putin is Papa Grizzly. If so, I'm sensing a match on GrizzlyHarmony.com.
"We believe in lifting Americans out of poverty and into sustainable jobs, Now that means government needs to butt out, butt out of employee pay issues and quit over regulating businesses and increasing taxes it drives up operating costs, that's what effects wages."
So, the government needs to butt out with regard to those living in poverty all the while helping those in poverty? How does that work exactly?
Government: "We're taking away your food stamps!"
Poverty-stricken family: "But our children and us will starve!"
Government: "We're only trying to help get you out of poverty."
Family: "What?!?"
"'We believe'? Wait, I thought fast food joints, hurh. Don’t you guys think that they’re like of the Devil or somethin’ I was. Liberals, you want to send those evil employees who would dare work at a fast food joint then ya just don’t believe in, thought you wanted to, I dunno, send them to Purgatory or somethin’ so they all go vegan and, uh, wages and picket lines I dunno they’re not often discussed in Purgatory, are they? I dunno why are you even worried about fast food wages because ha. Well we believe an America, where minimum wage jobs, they're not like life time gigs, they're stepping stones to a good job with sustainable wages, hm, teaches work ethic, we believe in helping Americans climb the economic ladder, not get stuck on that first rung. A strong economy with good paying jobs it comes from free enterprise, not from a top down bloated big government command and control economy.”
I have a good feeling this is when the shots of Everclear finally hit Ms. Palin.
"We believe that students learn not to make decisions that result in a lot of debt and we believe that schools need to be more accountable for the insane increase in tuition and their insane curriculum, many of 'em. It is no accident Elizabeth that the rise in tuition corresponds with a rise in government, intervention! More government isn't the answer."
So, when President Obama and many Democrats attempt to pass bills to lower tuition costs, only to have these efforts halted by members of your own party, these bills would actually have increased tuition costs? So, does that mean when an item is half-off at a retail outlet, that actually means it's double the original price? Fascinating...
"We believe a pension is a promise it must be honored, OK we do that by using common sense and prioritizing budgets that once and for all will end waste and fraud and the crony capitalism and the stupid political decisions that are bankrupting our nation! We believe that in order to keep faith with future generations and fulfill our current commitments to our seniors...Well we must enact sensible entitlement reform."
What's common sense again, Ms. Palin? That science is God's overflowing natural resources? That's what I thought...
"We believe, I cant believe I have to say this in 2014 we believe in equal pay for equal work and President Obama should abandon his hypocritical practice of paying women less than men, in his campaign, in his administration, and in the white house, uhh, the leader of your party Elizabeth could set an example for the rest of the country."
Allow me to translate the drunken gibberish: "We believe in equal pay for equal work, but don't vote that way because it would make President Obama and the Democraps happy! So there!"
"We believe that all men and women are created equal, they claim we are not tolerant, well, we believe that tolerance goes both ways, You know, uh, that means respecting people's rights to disagree with you. Instead of trying to intimidate or silence us, we believe the answer to free speech you find offensive, is more free speech not less."
Again, I'd like to translate her statement: "We believe that all men and women are created equal, except for: Women, gays, blacks, Latinos, those trans people, Muslims, atheists, and poor folk. Oh, and it's hypocritical for you to tolerate all of these people but to not tolerate our intolerance of them! Hypocrites!"
"We believe that legal immigration the help make this country strong and vibrant and that means welcoming law abiding hard working immigrants who wish to come here legally and pledge their allegiance to the United States of America! Furthermore we believe as none other than Cesar Chavez believed that if illegal immigration hurts the country it unfairly hurts working class Americans of all races all backgrounds who are seeking good paying jobs, security for their families."
...and the apparent word of the day is "furthermore."
"We believe women have a right to their bodies, just as babies have a right to their living breathing bodies nestled in a mother womb. Hey, and anyone who wants contraception, more power to ya, can continue to freely buy any kind you want no one is stopping you, we'll fight for the right of private businesses including Hobby Lobby to work with you to figure out health care coverage themselves. Anyway the owners of those businesses, that they built themselves, anyway they want to. Knowing that, eh, come on government intervention it just always is, screws everything up. Furthermore we believe that religious liberty is enshrined in our constitution, remember, the government has no right to cause people to violate their religious beliefs and if try to take any of our constitutional rights away we will fight for them."
Governor Palin, how do you freely buy something? I'd honestly like to know. Is there a secret code? Certain stores? Can I just walk up to a cashier somewhere and say, "Got anything I can buy for free?" Please let me know if and when you learn how to do this. Thanks...
"One final thought for Senator Warren and her would be progressive populous, we believe as conservatives, as Ronald Reagan said that you cant be for both big taxes, big government, big bureaucracy and still be for the little guy. Well, we stand with the little guy being bullied and beaten down by the progressive left's failed policies of yours Elizabeth Warren. We stand for free men and free markets. The twin ideals that made this nation strong peaceful and prosperous. We say, god bless America, uh, we hope you say that Senator Warren. Woot, crushed it baby!"
Crushed what exactly? The English language? English professors' hearts? Intelligent people's minds, as we reach for some Excedrin? "Furthermore," I'd like to ask Palin what her vision is of the "little guy" that she claims her party defends. Is his name ExxonMobil by any chance? Ironically enough, the "little guy" has been crushed by Reaganomics' trickle-down effect. While Senator Warren and many like her have attempted to stop or at least slow down this vicious trend, which results in the rich becoming richer and the middle- and lower-classes increasingly struggling to make end's meet, people like Sarah Palin have stood by this philosophy, continued to fight for the rich and corporations' rights over 99% of people in this country, yet still have the gall to claim their party fights for the "little guy"? The only "little guy" she and her party fights for is the one that has yet to be born. Once he's born, however, he's on his own...
http://www.dailykos.com/story/2014/08/13/1321191/-Sarah-Palin-Brutally-Takes-Down-Elizabeth-Warren
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