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My Donald Trump SOTU Prediction

"My fellow traitors. Over the past year, we've experienced things together we'd never experienced before, bigly. We witnessed massive shutdowns, the likes of which we'd never seen. We built big, beautiful, invisible walls. I spent about 2/3 of my time tweeting from my golden toilet seat. So many special things this past year, so very special.

The stock market was at its highest point because of me, but then dropped because of Obama, and now has kind of leveled off because of someone else, whoever that may be. I call him Bob. Obummer may have created more jobs in his final 23 months than I did in my first 23, but nobody has created more jobs than me, believe me! I killed off ISIS, but not really. I've stopped North Korea from building nuclear weapons, only not. I improved the situation in Iran, only I didn't. The world is so much safer because of me, folks. So much safer.

Now the lamestream media would have you believe that what I'm telling you here tonight isn't true, getting fancy will all their facts and things. What I'm here to tell you is that facts aren't facts if they're true but reported by someone you don't like very much. Capisce? Yes, the state of the union is a clusterf*ck, but it's our clusterf*ck, and what a beautiful clusterf*ck it is, folks. If this clusterf*ck were a woman, I'd give it a 10, no problem! It's so much hotter than Heidi Klum anymore!

Before I close up, I'd like to bring attention to a brave young man out in the audience tonight who's been getting bullied because his last name is the same as mine. Can you believe that? Who would ever want to bully a guy with the same name as the king bully? Doesn't make any sense. So, Mr. Trump, stand up. Let's all give this kid a 5-minute standing ovation. Cameras, zoom in on this kid. We want the entire world to know who he is and for him to get bullied more as a result. Hey, maybe if I changed my last name, he wouldn't get bullied anymore, right? I kid, I kid. I'm the funniest president in the history of the flat-earthed universe, like easily. Nobody even comes close.

In closing, I'd just like to give myself a standing ovation as I say, God bless me, God bless Master Putin, and God bless the Russian Federation! Covfefe!"

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