Skip to main content

GOP goes with a virgin surgeon over an experienced one

In a surprise move, 50 million registered Republicans have opted to get treated by self-certified surgeon Ronald Dump of Dump University over Dr. Mallory Smitten, who has been operating on patients for over two decades. According to Mr. Dump's website, he's never operated on a person and never been in med school, but did dress up like a doctor on Halloween in college.

When I caught up with Mr. Dump and asked him about the matter, here's what he told me:

"Look, I just know how to do things, how to get things done. Put me in one of those special rooms, put a robe on me or whatever, hand me a thermometer thing, a mask deal, and an axe or something, and I'm going to do an unbelievable job, believe me. Just tremendous, fantastic, unbelievable."

Following this statement, here's what a few of Mr. Dump's new patients had to say on Twitter:

- "The guy just tells it like it is." - Username Tweetledum

- "Orange is the new lifesaver!" - Username AcidTripping247

- "He makes me feel safe." - Username HashtagStupid

- "No experience is good experience!" - Username The80YearOldVirgin

- "Why an axe and not a knife or a hammer?" - Username BenCarson

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Boycotting jukeboxes because of TouchTunes

I love music and enjoy hitting the bar(s) over the weekend, so naturally, when the mood strikes me, I've never been coy about playing some songs on the jukebox. This past Thursday, a friend of mine turned 50, so several friends of her's, including myself, all met up to celebrate the occasion. At around 9:30, a friend of mine and I both chipped in $5 to play some songs on the jukebox. Four hours and 231 skips later, we gave up on hearing the songs we had selected, and went home knowing we had just wasted $5. This wasn't the first time such a thing had happened to me (and many others), and due to that, I'll be boycotting jukeboxes. Why? The scam known as TouchTunes. You see, here's how the plot typically breaks down. A person (or group of people) downloads the TouchTunes app on his/her phone, consumes one too many adult beverages, and due to this, has less care for spending extra money to hear the songs of their choosing right NOW. That's the thing with TouchTun...

Face guarding is legal in college football and the NFL

I just wanted to remind fans and announcers especially, that face guarding is legal in both college football and the NFL. It all comes down to contact. So long as a defender doesn't make contact with an intended receiver, he doesn't have to turn around to play the ball. I can't tell you how many times every week I hear announcers talk about face guarding being a penalty. It's not. I even heard one announcer yesterday state, "If the defender doesn't turn around and play the ball, the ref will call pass interference every time." That's simply not true. Courtesy of referee Bill LeMonnier, he says this with regard to the rule at the college level (answered on 8/12/13): "NCAA rules on pass interference require the face guarding to have contact to be a foul. No contact, no foul by NCAA rules." In the NFL rule book, this is written:  "Actions that constitute defensive pass interference include but are not limited to: (a) Contact by a ...