Chris Wallace: "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the third and final presidential debate. I'd like everyone in our audience to place duct tape over their mouths and around their hands for the rest of the debate, but you may now applaud the two most unpopular presidential candidates in this country's history, Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump."
Audience: Standing golf-clap
Wallace: "Thank you. Now let's get right to it, shall we? There's been much talk of the Supreme Court and how the two of you may very well be able to shape SCOTUS for decades to come. So what are your thoughts on the Supreme Court, the justices you may potentially bring to the table, and what you hope SCOTUS looks like in the future. Secretary Clinton, we'll start with you."
Hillary Clinton: "Thanks, Chris, and thanks to the University of Nevada-Las Vegas for having this debate. Give me an R, an E, a B, an E, an L, an S. What's that spell? Rebels!"
Wallace: "Secretary Clinton, please..."
Clinton: "Sorry, Chris. I just feel a special connection with our audience tonight. Don't you feel that? Donald, do you feel that?"
Donald Trump: "I'm not going to answer that gotcha question. I've promised my advisors, in other words, myself, that I will not interrupt you for the first 20 minutes of this debate."
Clinton: "Okay then. Well, to answer your question, Chris, moving forward, I think it's incredibly important for us to make certain our Supreme Court justices protect the rights of women, of the LGBT community, of minorities, of every man, woman, and child in this great country!"
Wallace: "Mr. Trump..."
Trump: "Abortion is wrong, okay? Like bigly big league wrong. It's terrible what's happening in this country and what Mrs. Clinton wants to continue doing. On babies' due dates, doctors are literally ripping these babies from women's special lady parts I like to grab, and..."
Wallace: "So, birth?"
Trump: "No, death. These doctors are ripping these babies out of their mothers' vaginas."
Wallace: "Yes, so birth..."
Trump: "Have you ever had an abortion, Chris? Do you even know what abortions are? I almost had an abortion one time, and believe me, it was not pretty."
Wallace: "You had an abortion?"
Trump: "No. I said I almost did, but then someone read to me from the book of Two Corinthians, and I told them, 'You know what? You're right. I will have this baby.'"
Wallace: "So, you're a woman?"
Trump: "Hey, nobody respects women more than I do; believe me."
Wallace: "Please stop laughing, audience. I kindly asked you to place duct tape over your mouths. Donald, please answer my question about the Supreme Court..."
Trump: "When I become president, this court is going to be so supreme, I mean, like, supremely supreme, so very very supreme."
Wallace: "Where do each of you stand with regard to the 2nd Amendment and whether or not strengthening gun laws in the country infringes on those constitutional rights? Secretary Clinton, we'll again start with you..."
Clinton: "That's a good question, Chris. First off, I stand by the 2nd Amendment and law-abiding citizens' right to gun ownership. However, we need to make it more difficult for non-law-abiding citizens to purchase firearms, and therefore decrease gun violence in this country."
Wallace: "Mr. Trump, how do you feel about Secretary Clinton's answer and what is your viewpoint on the matter?"
Trump: "She's wrong, Chris."
Wallace: "Wrong?"
Trump: "Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong! More guns equals less gun violence. That's a fact. I read it on a Facebook meme. It's just like more fast food equals less obesity, more sex equals less babies, and more books equals less knowledge. The only way we'll know that we are a 2nd Amendment nation is if babies are born with guns."
Wallace: "Excuse me?"
Trump: "Once doctors rip babies out of women's giant holes and these babies are armed with AK-47s, that's when we'll know this country stands behind the 2nd Amendment."
Wallace: "Let's now talk about immigration. Mr. Trump, why do you feel your policy ideas regarding immigration are better than Secretary Clinton's?"
Trump: "Hold on a moment while I take things down a notch and try to whisper to the audience and people at home what I normally scream and yell."
Wallace: "Why?"
Trump: "Quiet down, Chris. I'm medistrating."
Wallace: "Do you mean meditating?"
Trump: "I said shut up, please."
Wallace: "We really don't have time for this, Donald."
Trump: "Deep breaths, in and out, calmly talk about Mexican rapists in a nice way..."
Wallace: "What are you blathering about? Whatever. Secretary Clinton, we'll turn to you. Why do you think your policy ideas on immigration are better than Mr. Trump's?"
Clinton: "Because they are, Chris. ...and while we're on that subject, Vladimir Putin..."
Trump: "Nice pivot..."
Clinton: "Thank you. So, how does it feel to be Putin's puppet?"
Trump: "It feels great. I mean, you're the puppet! You're the puppet! You're the puppet!"
Clinton: "What, if you say that phrase three times, does a puppet magically appear? Oh, wait, there you are!"
Wallace: "Settle down, you two. Well, while we're on the topic, what are each of your thoughts on Russia's alleged hacking of the DNC? Secretary Clinton, we'll start with you..."
Clinton: "Two words, Chris: It's sucked."
Trump: "Look at the WikiLeaks leaks, people! Crooked Hillary has blasted Catholics, progressives, other kinds of people..."
Clinton: "Even if those leaks were true, and I'm not saying they are, let's look at all the people you've gone after during your campaign: Women, 'the' blacks, Mexicans, Muslims, the media, LGBTs, POWs, Gold Star families, fact-checkers, all your primary opponents, the disabled..."
Trump: "That last one is not true. I was just bringing awareness to the guy's disability."
Clinton: "...and what's his disability called?"
Trump: "Uh, Shakeritis"
Clinton: "Wrong!"
Trump: "Whatever"
Clinton: "Back to Putin... Isn't it just a little bit strange Donald over here spends so much time defending a Russian dictator?"
Trump: "Look, I don't know Putin. Putin who? Vladimir? I don't know that guy. We speak highly of each other, the only texts we send each other say 'BFF,' I have a poster of him shirtless on a horse above my bed, but that's where it begins and ends, people, believe me."
Wallace: "Okay. On that note, Mr. Trump, since our last debate, a dozen women have come forward alleging you of behaving inappropriately around them. You've contended that what they're saying isn't true. Who are we to believe and why?"
Trump: "I can't help that women want me. Look at this face, this hair, the white around my eyes. Who wouldn't want that? In any case, I don't remember most of these women, so like my grandfather used to tell me, 'If you don't remember it happening, it never happened, believe me.' By the way, where I'm from, grabbing women by the knockers is a polite way of saying, 'Hi, how are the kids?' So, even if some of the allegations are true, I was just being a gentleman."
Clinton: "A gentleman? What in the hell is wrong with you? We're running to become the Commander-in-Chief, not the Groper-in-Chief!"
Trump: "Such a nasty woman. I often times like nasty women, but there's good nasty and bad nasty, and Crooked Hillary is the worst kind of nasty imaginable - bigly nasty. Period!"
Clinton: "Good, that means you won't grope me too, since you seem to just base it on a woman's looks..."
Trump: "I never said that."
Clinton: "You said about one of your allegers, 'Just look at her...,' insinuating you wouldn't so much as think about touching her because she wasn't physically attractive."
Trump: "I was just talking about her persona."
Clinton: "Really? When a beautiful woman walks into a bar and you say, 'Whoa! Look at that!' what you're really saying is, 'She has such a hot persona!'? I don't think so!"
Trump: "Bitch..."
Clinton: "Excuse me?!?"
Wallace: "Break it up, you two... Now, let's lighten the mood a little bit here. Elections - are they rigged or not? Secretary Clinton, we'll start with you..."
Clinton: "No"
Wallace: "Is that all you have to say on the topic?"
Clinton: "Yes, a big fat no!"
Wallace: "Very well. Mr. Trump, do you care to weigh in on this subject?"
Trump: "Elections are rigged, folks. Everything is rigged. The World Series is rigged. Do you think it's just some crazy coincidence the Chicago Cubs, after 70 years, made the World Series in Obama's last year as president?"
Wallace: "President Obama is actually a White Sox fan..."
Trump: "Exactly! Rigged!"
Wallace: "So, if you happen to lose this election, which you likely will, will you accept the result?"
Trump: "Only if I win, Chris..."
Wallace: "But what if you lose?"
Trump: "There can be no losing."
Wallace: "What if you were the head coach of the Chicago Bears and you lost the Super Bowl to the Denver Broncos, 49-0. Would you accept the result then?"
Trump: "Wouldn't happen, just like I won't lose on November 28th..."
Wallace: "The election is actually on November 8th."
Trump: "Don't listen to him, folks. That's just the liberal media over at Fox News trying to suppress my vote again. The election is on Monday, November 28th, people. Fact! Google it!"
Wallace: "Whatever you say. Secretary Clinton, would you care to chime in here?"
Clinton: :: silence ::
Wallace: "Secretary Clinton?"
Clinton: :: silence ::
Wallace: "Secretary Clinton? I'm going to count to three and then I'll be forced to move on to the next topic..."
Clinton: "I'm sorry, Chris. I went speechless for a minute there. Please give me another several minutes to collect my thoughts..."
Wallace: "We don't really have time for that, so let's move on to your closing statements. Mr. Trump, we'll start with you..."
Trump: "What I'm about to tell you will be the best closing statement like ever. It's going to be such a great closing statement, you're not going to be able to believe it. It'll make all other closing statements come across as really, and I mean really stupid. It's going to be so fantastic, people all over the galaxy will be plagiarizing this closing statement, wanting to make it their own. I know closing statements, folks; I have the best closing statements. I..."
Wallace: "...and your time is up. Secretary Clinton..."
Clinton: "Due to how well this debate went, just like the other two, I'd like to spend my time during this closing statement shimmying to the song 'We Are the Champions,' so I'm going to do that."
Trump: "Hey, I didn't get to the greatest closing statement in history!"
Wallace: "I'm sorry, but similar to your campaign, our time is up. Goodnight, everyone!"
Audience: Standing golf-clap
Wallace: "Thank you. Now let's get right to it, shall we? There's been much talk of the Supreme Court and how the two of you may very well be able to shape SCOTUS for decades to come. So what are your thoughts on the Supreme Court, the justices you may potentially bring to the table, and what you hope SCOTUS looks like in the future. Secretary Clinton, we'll start with you."
Hillary Clinton: "Thanks, Chris, and thanks to the University of Nevada-Las Vegas for having this debate. Give me an R, an E, a B, an E, an L, an S. What's that spell? Rebels!"
Wallace: "Secretary Clinton, please..."
Clinton: "Sorry, Chris. I just feel a special connection with our audience tonight. Don't you feel that? Donald, do you feel that?"
Donald Trump: "I'm not going to answer that gotcha question. I've promised my advisors, in other words, myself, that I will not interrupt you for the first 20 minutes of this debate."
Clinton: "Okay then. Well, to answer your question, Chris, moving forward, I think it's incredibly important for us to make certain our Supreme Court justices protect the rights of women, of the LGBT community, of minorities, of every man, woman, and child in this great country!"
Wallace: "Mr. Trump..."
Trump: "Abortion is wrong, okay? Like bigly big league wrong. It's terrible what's happening in this country and what Mrs. Clinton wants to continue doing. On babies' due dates, doctors are literally ripping these babies from women's special lady parts I like to grab, and..."
Wallace: "So, birth?"
Trump: "No, death. These doctors are ripping these babies out of their mothers' vaginas."
Wallace: "Yes, so birth..."
Trump: "Have you ever had an abortion, Chris? Do you even know what abortions are? I almost had an abortion one time, and believe me, it was not pretty."
Wallace: "You had an abortion?"
Trump: "No. I said I almost did, but then someone read to me from the book of Two Corinthians, and I told them, 'You know what? You're right. I will have this baby.'"
Wallace: "So, you're a woman?"
Trump: "Hey, nobody respects women more than I do; believe me."
Wallace: "Please stop laughing, audience. I kindly asked you to place duct tape over your mouths. Donald, please answer my question about the Supreme Court..."
Trump: "When I become president, this court is going to be so supreme, I mean, like, supremely supreme, so very very supreme."
Wallace: "Where do each of you stand with regard to the 2nd Amendment and whether or not strengthening gun laws in the country infringes on those constitutional rights? Secretary Clinton, we'll again start with you..."
Clinton: "That's a good question, Chris. First off, I stand by the 2nd Amendment and law-abiding citizens' right to gun ownership. However, we need to make it more difficult for non-law-abiding citizens to purchase firearms, and therefore decrease gun violence in this country."
Wallace: "Mr. Trump, how do you feel about Secretary Clinton's answer and what is your viewpoint on the matter?"
Trump: "She's wrong, Chris."
Wallace: "Wrong?"
Trump: "Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong! More guns equals less gun violence. That's a fact. I read it on a Facebook meme. It's just like more fast food equals less obesity, more sex equals less babies, and more books equals less knowledge. The only way we'll know that we are a 2nd Amendment nation is if babies are born with guns."
Wallace: "Excuse me?"
Trump: "Once doctors rip babies out of women's giant holes and these babies are armed with AK-47s, that's when we'll know this country stands behind the 2nd Amendment."
Wallace: "Let's now talk about immigration. Mr. Trump, why do you feel your policy ideas regarding immigration are better than Secretary Clinton's?"
Trump: "Hold on a moment while I take things down a notch and try to whisper to the audience and people at home what I normally scream and yell."
Wallace: "Why?"
Trump: "Quiet down, Chris. I'm medistrating."
Wallace: "Do you mean meditating?"
Trump: "I said shut up, please."
Wallace: "We really don't have time for this, Donald."
Trump: "Deep breaths, in and out, calmly talk about Mexican rapists in a nice way..."
Wallace: "What are you blathering about? Whatever. Secretary Clinton, we'll turn to you. Why do you think your policy ideas on immigration are better than Mr. Trump's?"
Clinton: "Because they are, Chris. ...and while we're on that subject, Vladimir Putin..."
Trump: "Nice pivot..."
Clinton: "Thank you. So, how does it feel to be Putin's puppet?"
Trump: "It feels great. I mean, you're the puppet! You're the puppet! You're the puppet!"
Clinton: "What, if you say that phrase three times, does a puppet magically appear? Oh, wait, there you are!"
Wallace: "Settle down, you two. Well, while we're on the topic, what are each of your thoughts on Russia's alleged hacking of the DNC? Secretary Clinton, we'll start with you..."
Clinton: "Two words, Chris: It's sucked."
Trump: "Look at the WikiLeaks leaks, people! Crooked Hillary has blasted Catholics, progressives, other kinds of people..."
Clinton: "Even if those leaks were true, and I'm not saying they are, let's look at all the people you've gone after during your campaign: Women, 'the' blacks, Mexicans, Muslims, the media, LGBTs, POWs, Gold Star families, fact-checkers, all your primary opponents, the disabled..."
Trump: "That last one is not true. I was just bringing awareness to the guy's disability."
Clinton: "...and what's his disability called?"
Trump: "Uh, Shakeritis"
Clinton: "Wrong!"
Trump: "Whatever"
Clinton: "Back to Putin... Isn't it just a little bit strange Donald over here spends so much time defending a Russian dictator?"
Trump: "Look, I don't know Putin. Putin who? Vladimir? I don't know that guy. We speak highly of each other, the only texts we send each other say 'BFF,' I have a poster of him shirtless on a horse above my bed, but that's where it begins and ends, people, believe me."
Wallace: "Okay. On that note, Mr. Trump, since our last debate, a dozen women have come forward alleging you of behaving inappropriately around them. You've contended that what they're saying isn't true. Who are we to believe and why?"
Trump: "I can't help that women want me. Look at this face, this hair, the white around my eyes. Who wouldn't want that? In any case, I don't remember most of these women, so like my grandfather used to tell me, 'If you don't remember it happening, it never happened, believe me.' By the way, where I'm from, grabbing women by the knockers is a polite way of saying, 'Hi, how are the kids?' So, even if some of the allegations are true, I was just being a gentleman."
Clinton: "A gentleman? What in the hell is wrong with you? We're running to become the Commander-in-Chief, not the Groper-in-Chief!"
Trump: "Such a nasty woman. I often times like nasty women, but there's good nasty and bad nasty, and Crooked Hillary is the worst kind of nasty imaginable - bigly nasty. Period!"
Clinton: "Good, that means you won't grope me too, since you seem to just base it on a woman's looks..."
Trump: "I never said that."
Clinton: "You said about one of your allegers, 'Just look at her...,' insinuating you wouldn't so much as think about touching her because she wasn't physically attractive."
Trump: "I was just talking about her persona."
Clinton: "Really? When a beautiful woman walks into a bar and you say, 'Whoa! Look at that!' what you're really saying is, 'She has such a hot persona!'? I don't think so!"
Trump: "Bitch..."
Clinton: "Excuse me?!?"
Wallace: "Break it up, you two... Now, let's lighten the mood a little bit here. Elections - are they rigged or not? Secretary Clinton, we'll start with you..."
Clinton: "No"
Wallace: "Is that all you have to say on the topic?"
Clinton: "Yes, a big fat no!"
Wallace: "Very well. Mr. Trump, do you care to weigh in on this subject?"
Trump: "Elections are rigged, folks. Everything is rigged. The World Series is rigged. Do you think it's just some crazy coincidence the Chicago Cubs, after 70 years, made the World Series in Obama's last year as president?"
Wallace: "President Obama is actually a White Sox fan..."
Trump: "Exactly! Rigged!"
Wallace: "So, if you happen to lose this election, which you likely will, will you accept the result?"
Trump: "Only if I win, Chris..."
Wallace: "But what if you lose?"
Trump: "There can be no losing."
Wallace: "What if you were the head coach of the Chicago Bears and you lost the Super Bowl to the Denver Broncos, 49-0. Would you accept the result then?"
Trump: "Wouldn't happen, just like I won't lose on November 28th..."
Wallace: "The election is actually on November 8th."
Trump: "Don't listen to him, folks. That's just the liberal media over at Fox News trying to suppress my vote again. The election is on Monday, November 28th, people. Fact! Google it!"
Wallace: "Whatever you say. Secretary Clinton, would you care to chime in here?"
Clinton: :: silence ::
Wallace: "Secretary Clinton?"
Clinton: :: silence ::
Wallace: "Secretary Clinton? I'm going to count to three and then I'll be forced to move on to the next topic..."
Clinton: "I'm sorry, Chris. I went speechless for a minute there. Please give me another several minutes to collect my thoughts..."
Wallace: "We don't really have time for that, so let's move on to your closing statements. Mr. Trump, we'll start with you..."
Trump: "What I'm about to tell you will be the best closing statement like ever. It's going to be such a great closing statement, you're not going to be able to believe it. It'll make all other closing statements come across as really, and I mean really stupid. It's going to be so fantastic, people all over the galaxy will be plagiarizing this closing statement, wanting to make it their own. I know closing statements, folks; I have the best closing statements. I..."
Wallace: "...and your time is up. Secretary Clinton..."
Clinton: "Due to how well this debate went, just like the other two, I'd like to spend my time during this closing statement shimmying to the song 'We Are the Champions,' so I'm going to do that."
Trump: "Hey, I didn't get to the greatest closing statement in history!"
Wallace: "I'm sorry, but similar to your campaign, our time is up. Goodnight, everyone!"
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