Moderator Elaine Quijano: "Good evening and welcome to the first and thankfully last vice presidential debate. In the right corner, with hair whiter than the cocaine his boss snorted before the debate last week - a man whose wife once said, 'His laugh is creepier than Newt Gingrich hitting on me during a best friend's eulogy' - the governor of Indiana, Mike Pence! ...and in the left corner, with an eyebrow that was scientifically proven to have a mind of its own - the joker clone himself, Virginia Senator Tim Kaine!"
Mike Pence/Tim Kaine: "Thank you!"
Quijano: "Let's start with this question - what qualities do each of you possess to make you feel as though you'd be able to effectively take over the role of president if, heaven forbid, something should happen to the man or woman who is sworn in as president early next year? Senator Kaine, we'll start with you..."
Kaine: "First of all, we won't need to worry about that, because despite the rumors, Hillary Clinton is immortal. Who else could have dealt with all the crap she's dealt with through the years from the Republican Party and still been well enough to campaign like she has over the past 30 some odd years in hopes of one day becoming president? Secondly, I espouse everything Secretary Clinton stands for, so if she has to step down from the presidency, due to the killing of her husband Bill for cheating on her with Beyonce, Jennifer Lopez, or Mike Pence over here, I'll be like the male Hillary Clinton in the Oval Office. I think we could safely say that should set aside any worries the voters may have of such a scenario."
Quijano: "Governor Pence..."
Pence: "Donald Trump is very very strong, with broad shoulders, thick thighs, and a humongous..."
Quijano: "I was asking what qualities YOU have, Governor Pence, but I don't think I want you to elaborate any further. Let's move on to question #2."
Pence: "No! You asked me a question and I'm going to answer that question. You see, Hispanic chick, I'm just a small-town boy, living in a crazy world. I rode Trump's private plane which went through the air. Something something something, south Detroit."
Quijano: "I honestly believe we could have done without that. Moving on... Senator Kaine, the people don't trust Hillary Clinton. Why do you suppose that is and are they wrong?"
Pence: "They're right!"
Quijano: "I was asking Senator Kaine... ...and by the way, why do you suppose most people believe your candidate to be risky? Why do you suppose that is and are they wrong?"
Kaine: "They're right!"
Pence: "No, they're not!"
Kaine: "Yes, they are!"
Pence: Nuh-uh!"
Kaine: "Yuh-huh!"
Pence: "Shut up!"
Kaine: "You shut up!"
Pence: "Commie!"
Kaine: "Village of the Damned child all grown up!"
Quijano: "Gentlemen, gentlemen, please... Viewers can't understand you when you're talking over each other like that."
Pence: "Who's she?"
Kaine: "I don't fricking know. So, where were we?"
Pence: "Talking about how much you and your Crooked Hillary lady suck!"
Kaine: "Oh yeah! Not as much as you and your obese grown up Oompa Loompa!"
Quijano: "Hello?!? I'm right here..."
Kaine: "Hi. What's your name?"
Pence: "Yeah, she's pretty cute. Wait, is my wife here? Not as beautiful as you, honey."
Quijano: "I'm the moderator of this debate..."
Kaine: "Could have fooled me."
Pence: "Yeah, me too..."
Quijano: "Anyway, let's switch our focus to the economy. Under both your proposed plans, the deficit will increase..."
Kaine: "I'm going to stop you right there..."
Quijano: "I wasn't finished asking the question."
Pence: "You asked about Russia, right? Let's talk about Russia."
Kaine: "You and Donald just love Russia, don't you?'
Pence: "No we don't"
Kaine: "Both you and Donald have either referred to Russia's dictator, Vladimir Putin, as either a great leader or a better leader than President Obama."
Pence: "That's not true and you know it!"
Kaine: "It is true. Let me show you the direct quote on this powerpoint I created over the past week."
Pence: "That quote's taken out of context."
Kaine: "Fine, let me show you the video clip where you two say such things."
Pence: "That's not us. Those are our stunt doubles."
Quijano: "Jesus H. Christ! Okay, Governor Pence, the New York Times recently released a story which claimed Donald Trump lost nearly $1 billion in 1995 and that he may not have had to pay federal income taxes over the past 18+ years. What's your reaction to that story and why won't Mr. Trump release his tax returns?"
Pence: "Thank you for that very intelligent question, hot taco truck lady. Like I said at the outset of this debate, Donald Trump is an incredibly strong man, with broad shoulders. His handshake has broken people's backs. That's how strong he is."
Quijano: "I was asking about his taxes..."
Pence: "He loves Texas! We plan on winning the longhorn state, bigly, as he would say! Yee-haw!"
Quijano: "No... Nevermind. Senator Kaine..."
Kaine: "Can I butt in a moment here? I'm going to anyway, but thought I'd ask because it likely plays better on television."
Quijano: "Sure, whatever. I don't even care anymore."
Kaine: "That was all. I just wanted to politely interrupt a moderator during a vice presidential debate. Now where did I put that bucket list of mine?"
Quijano: "Congratulations. I'm beginning to regret placing 'moderator of a vice presidential debate' on my bucket list, but I digress..."
Pence: "Can I butt in?"
Quijano: "I'm not even here anymore..."
Pence: "Good! Are you even legal? I might have to check out your birth certificate, Mexican thing! Anyway, about Crooked Hillary and her negative campaign..."
Kaine: "Negative campaign? Seriously? You wanna talk about negative? Look at Donald Trump's entire campaign! He's insulted POWs, Gold Star families, PTSD sufferers, Mexicans, Muslims, women, immigrants, the disabled - pretty much anyone and everyone!"
Pence: "Ladies and gentlemen, did you just hear that? Those were the lowest of insults I believe I've ever heard! First Lady Michelle Obama may have said, 'When they go low, we go high,' but the Crooked Hillary team has gone low when we've gotten high or whatever!"
Kaine: "I was merely quoting Donald Trump. If he insults a POW and I report that he insulted a POW, how does that then make me the one insulting the POW?"
Pence: "Math, logic, science, the Bible - pick one!"
Kaine: "So if Donald calls my wife ugly and I stand up for her by saying something like, 'How dare you say that to my wife,' according to your logic, that's me insulting my wife?"
Pence: "Yes"
Kaine: "How does that make any bit of sense?"
Pence: "I told you! Math, logic, science, the Bible, whatever!"
Kaine: "How about we go through some of Donald's quotes, more specifically? What about when he said POW John McCain wasn't a war hero because he was captured?"
Pence: "Never said that"
Kaine: "Yes, he did!"
Pence: "Not my Donald"
Kaine: "Who was it then?"
Pence: "John Miller"
Kaine: "What about when Donald encouraged countries like Japan and Saudi Arabia to arm themselves with nuclear weapons?"
Pence: "Never said it"
Kaine: "Do you even know who Donald is?"
Pence: "Donald who?"
Kaine: "Trump!"
Pence: "Trump who?"
Kaine: "Ms. Quijano, help me out here..."
Quijano: "Sure, now you acknowledge me. Let's start wrapping this up, shall we? How do you two men feel about abortion?"
Kaine: "I think we should do everything in our power to help improve the lives of each and every American. This includes pregnant women. As a man, I don't feel it's my right to tell women what they can and can't do with their bodies. While I feel we should do everything possible to decrease unwanted pregnancies, and with that, abortions, such difficult decisions should be left up to women, their doctors, their partners, and their all powerful invisible men."
Quijano: "Governor Pence..."
Pence: "I may not have a giant hole between my legs. I may not see an alien-looking thing popping out of that hole anytime soon. I may never even have to worry about that possibility. At the same time, though, as a person with a penis, I feel it's my duty to tell people without penises what they should do with their non-penis things. If they have a problem with that, grow a penis. It's as simple as that. Again, math, logic, science, the Bible, or whatever."
Quijano: "I now ask for your closing thoughts. Senator Kaine, we'll start with you..."
Kaine: "I find it fascinating that, all night, Governor Pence has refused to defend Donald Trump."
Pence: "That's not true."
Quijano: "Governor Pence, these are Senator Kaine's closing thoughts..."
Kaine: "That's okay, moderator person. Fine then, Mike, go ahead and defend Donald."
Pence: "Not right now, thanks. Maybe later..."
Kaine: "I rest my case."
Quijano: "Any further final thoughts, Senator Kaine?"
Kaine: "No, I think that's all I needed to say."
Quijano: "Governor Pence, now you may do similarly..."
Pence: "Pence/Nugent 2020!"
Mike Pence/Tim Kaine: "Thank you!"
Quijano: "Let's start with this question - what qualities do each of you possess to make you feel as though you'd be able to effectively take over the role of president if, heaven forbid, something should happen to the man or woman who is sworn in as president early next year? Senator Kaine, we'll start with you..."
Kaine: "First of all, we won't need to worry about that, because despite the rumors, Hillary Clinton is immortal. Who else could have dealt with all the crap she's dealt with through the years from the Republican Party and still been well enough to campaign like she has over the past 30 some odd years in hopes of one day becoming president? Secondly, I espouse everything Secretary Clinton stands for, so if she has to step down from the presidency, due to the killing of her husband Bill for cheating on her with Beyonce, Jennifer Lopez, or Mike Pence over here, I'll be like the male Hillary Clinton in the Oval Office. I think we could safely say that should set aside any worries the voters may have of such a scenario."
Quijano: "Governor Pence..."
Pence: "Donald Trump is very very strong, with broad shoulders, thick thighs, and a humongous..."
Quijano: "I was asking what qualities YOU have, Governor Pence, but I don't think I want you to elaborate any further. Let's move on to question #2."
Pence: "No! You asked me a question and I'm going to answer that question. You see, Hispanic chick, I'm just a small-town boy, living in a crazy world. I rode Trump's private plane which went through the air. Something something something, south Detroit."
Quijano: "I honestly believe we could have done without that. Moving on... Senator Kaine, the people don't trust Hillary Clinton. Why do you suppose that is and are they wrong?"
Pence: "They're right!"
Quijano: "I was asking Senator Kaine... ...and by the way, why do you suppose most people believe your candidate to be risky? Why do you suppose that is and are they wrong?"
Kaine: "They're right!"
Pence: "No, they're not!"
Kaine: "Yes, they are!"
Pence: Nuh-uh!"
Kaine: "Yuh-huh!"
Pence: "Shut up!"
Kaine: "You shut up!"
Pence: "Commie!"
Kaine: "Village of the Damned child all grown up!"
Quijano: "Gentlemen, gentlemen, please... Viewers can't understand you when you're talking over each other like that."
Pence: "Who's she?"
Kaine: "I don't fricking know. So, where were we?"
Pence: "Talking about how much you and your Crooked Hillary lady suck!"
Kaine: "Oh yeah! Not as much as you and your obese grown up Oompa Loompa!"
Quijano: "Hello?!? I'm right here..."
Kaine: "Hi. What's your name?"
Pence: "Yeah, she's pretty cute. Wait, is my wife here? Not as beautiful as you, honey."
Quijano: "I'm the moderator of this debate..."
Kaine: "Could have fooled me."
Pence: "Yeah, me too..."
Quijano: "Anyway, let's switch our focus to the economy. Under both your proposed plans, the deficit will increase..."
Kaine: "I'm going to stop you right there..."
Quijano: "I wasn't finished asking the question."
Pence: "You asked about Russia, right? Let's talk about Russia."
Kaine: "You and Donald just love Russia, don't you?'
Pence: "No we don't"
Kaine: "Both you and Donald have either referred to Russia's dictator, Vladimir Putin, as either a great leader or a better leader than President Obama."
Pence: "That's not true and you know it!"
Kaine: "It is true. Let me show you the direct quote on this powerpoint I created over the past week."
Pence: "That quote's taken out of context."
Kaine: "Fine, let me show you the video clip where you two say such things."
Pence: "That's not us. Those are our stunt doubles."
Quijano: "Jesus H. Christ! Okay, Governor Pence, the New York Times recently released a story which claimed Donald Trump lost nearly $1 billion in 1995 and that he may not have had to pay federal income taxes over the past 18+ years. What's your reaction to that story and why won't Mr. Trump release his tax returns?"
Pence: "Thank you for that very intelligent question, hot taco truck lady. Like I said at the outset of this debate, Donald Trump is an incredibly strong man, with broad shoulders. His handshake has broken people's backs. That's how strong he is."
Quijano: "I was asking about his taxes..."
Pence: "He loves Texas! We plan on winning the longhorn state, bigly, as he would say! Yee-haw!"
Quijano: "No... Nevermind. Senator Kaine..."
Kaine: "Can I butt in a moment here? I'm going to anyway, but thought I'd ask because it likely plays better on television."
Quijano: "Sure, whatever. I don't even care anymore."
Kaine: "That was all. I just wanted to politely interrupt a moderator during a vice presidential debate. Now where did I put that bucket list of mine?"
Quijano: "Congratulations. I'm beginning to regret placing 'moderator of a vice presidential debate' on my bucket list, but I digress..."
Pence: "Can I butt in?"
Quijano: "I'm not even here anymore..."
Pence: "Good! Are you even legal? I might have to check out your birth certificate, Mexican thing! Anyway, about Crooked Hillary and her negative campaign..."
Kaine: "Negative campaign? Seriously? You wanna talk about negative? Look at Donald Trump's entire campaign! He's insulted POWs, Gold Star families, PTSD sufferers, Mexicans, Muslims, women, immigrants, the disabled - pretty much anyone and everyone!"
Pence: "Ladies and gentlemen, did you just hear that? Those were the lowest of insults I believe I've ever heard! First Lady Michelle Obama may have said, 'When they go low, we go high,' but the Crooked Hillary team has gone low when we've gotten high or whatever!"
Kaine: "I was merely quoting Donald Trump. If he insults a POW and I report that he insulted a POW, how does that then make me the one insulting the POW?"
Pence: "Math, logic, science, the Bible - pick one!"
Kaine: "So if Donald calls my wife ugly and I stand up for her by saying something like, 'How dare you say that to my wife,' according to your logic, that's me insulting my wife?"
Pence: "Yes"
Kaine: "How does that make any bit of sense?"
Pence: "I told you! Math, logic, science, the Bible, whatever!"
Kaine: "How about we go through some of Donald's quotes, more specifically? What about when he said POW John McCain wasn't a war hero because he was captured?"
Pence: "Never said that"
Kaine: "Yes, he did!"
Pence: "Not my Donald"
Kaine: "Who was it then?"
Pence: "John Miller"
Kaine: "What about when Donald encouraged countries like Japan and Saudi Arabia to arm themselves with nuclear weapons?"
Pence: "Never said it"
Kaine: "Do you even know who Donald is?"
Pence: "Donald who?"
Kaine: "Trump!"
Pence: "Trump who?"
Kaine: "Ms. Quijano, help me out here..."
Quijano: "Sure, now you acknowledge me. Let's start wrapping this up, shall we? How do you two men feel about abortion?"
Kaine: "I think we should do everything in our power to help improve the lives of each and every American. This includes pregnant women. As a man, I don't feel it's my right to tell women what they can and can't do with their bodies. While I feel we should do everything possible to decrease unwanted pregnancies, and with that, abortions, such difficult decisions should be left up to women, their doctors, their partners, and their all powerful invisible men."
Quijano: "Governor Pence..."
Pence: "I may not have a giant hole between my legs. I may not see an alien-looking thing popping out of that hole anytime soon. I may never even have to worry about that possibility. At the same time, though, as a person with a penis, I feel it's my duty to tell people without penises what they should do with their non-penis things. If they have a problem with that, grow a penis. It's as simple as that. Again, math, logic, science, the Bible, or whatever."
Quijano: "I now ask for your closing thoughts. Senator Kaine, we'll start with you..."
Kaine: "I find it fascinating that, all night, Governor Pence has refused to defend Donald Trump."
Pence: "That's not true."
Quijano: "Governor Pence, these are Senator Kaine's closing thoughts..."
Kaine: "That's okay, moderator person. Fine then, Mike, go ahead and defend Donald."
Pence: "Not right now, thanks. Maybe later..."
Kaine: "I rest my case."
Quijano: "Any further final thoughts, Senator Kaine?"
Kaine: "No, I think that's all I needed to say."
Quijano: "Governor Pence, now you may do similarly..."
Pence: "Pence/Nugent 2020!"
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