Lester Holt: "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, cats and dogs, Disney characters and ogres named Tiny, and welcome to the first of three presidential debates. Let's start today's debate by asking both candidates why they feel they're better suited than the other to be the next President of the United States. Secretary Clinton, we'll start with you..."
Hillary Clinton: "Thanks, Lester, and may I say, you're looking incredibly handsome tonight..."
Holt: "That's not going to win me over. Remember, I am a Republican."
Donald Trump: "Wrong. That's a lie. This guy doesn't know what he's talking about, folks. He's with Crooked Hillary. By the way, is it okay if I call you Crooked Hillary? I want you to be happy."
Clinton: "I honestly don't give a rat's ass."
Trump: "Good, because I was going to call you that anyway."
Clinton: "Yes, I know."
Holt: "Can we please get back to the question? Why do each of you feel you'd be better suited than the other to be the next President of the United States? Secretary Clinton, let's try this again..."
Clinton: "I have 30 years experience in the world of politics. I've been First Lady, a senator, the Secretary of state, and been running for president since I was eligible to become one - so for the past 33+ years. If that's not dedication, I don't know what is."
Holt: "Mr. Trump..."
Trump: "Dedication shmedication... Let's talk about your husband's dedication, Crooked Hillary. So, Crooked Hillary, how's life with Erect Billy?"
Clinton: "Really? Do you really want to go there, Limp-Dick Donald?"
Trump: "I have no problems with that, believe me, folks. I guarantee it. I guarantee it."
Clinton: "You've been married how many times and had how many affairs? How's that for dedication?"
Trump: "Look, little Donnie has got a mind of his own sometimes, okay? That's just science. I thought you were a bigly believer in science, but I guess not."
Clinton: "So your cheating is excusable but it's my fault my husband cheated on me?"
Trump: "Yes, because consistency is my middle name and sexism is dead, people. It's deader than something that's not living anymore."
Holt: "Cut it out! The both of you! Mr. Trump, would you please answer my question?"
Trump: "What was that? I think your mic is defective. Mine might be as well. Testes, testes, 1, 2, 1, 2. Can all 80 million of you hear me at home? Yes? Okay then. In case I lose this debate, however, please answer 'no' when you're asked again. Thanks."
Holt: "Why do you feel you're better suited than Secretary Clinton to be the next President of the United States?"
Trump: "I just am"
Holt: "But why?"
Trump: "Because I said so"
Holt: "Whatever... Moving on... Speaking of science, what are both your feelings on global warming? Secretary Clinton, we'll again start with you..."
Clinton: "If scientists are nearly unanimous in their belief that global warming is real and man-made, I'm going to believe their expertise and believe it as well. My opponent, meanwhile, thinks it's some kind of hoax perpetrated by the Chinese."
Trump: "I never said that. I only tweeted it a few times and the words accidentally came out of my mouth a few others. Look it up."
Holt: "I just looked it up and it appears you have claimed that global warming is a hoax perpetrated by the Chinese."
Trump: "Look it up again - only this time, Google the words 'Trump's heavily edited Wikipedia page'."
Holt: "No thanks. Mr. Trump, you've largely run on the platform that you're a successful businessman and can therefore help jumpstart the economy. What all will you do to help create more and better-paying jobs?"
Trump: "That's right. I've always been a successful businessman, Lecter."
Holt: "That's Lester..."
Trump: "Oh, sorry, Leper. Anyway, as I was saying, Lexus, I've always been a genius when it comes to business, and that's exactly what we need to make America great again!"
Holt: "Again, it's Lester and how will you create all these jobs?"
Trump: "Look, it's not how I'm going to do it or whatever. I'm just gonna do it, okay?!? I mean, like everyone else, I was loaned a very small sum of $1 million from my daddy, inherited millions and I mean millions more, was surrounded by people who knew how to make me richer, found a way to get bankrupted six times, call myself 'the king of debt' for fun, have had 4,000 lawsuits filed against me, lost $1 billion on two separate occasions, haven't paid taxes pretty much since dinosaurs ruled the world, have sent jobs overseas, paid illegals to work for me, so like yeah - I think my record speaks for itself."
Holt: "Okay then..."
Trump: "Wait - I forgot one other thing. I also did business with an Iranian bank linked to terrorism. I was against Obama's Iran agreement from the start, and this is why. I've personally dealt with Iranian terrorists - and they're very bad terrorists, very very bad terrorists indeed."
Holt: "Wow... Okay, segueing from that, let's talk about taxes. Secretary Clinton..."
Clinton: "To put it simply, I've paid my fair share of taxes and been transparent about it with the public, while Donald here hasn't been transparent and leaves me wondering whether or not he's paid any taxes, let alone his fair share."
Trump: "I have, believe me. It's like that old saying goes, 'The only two certainties in life are death and avoiding taxes, or whatever.'"
Clinton: "Do you mean paying taxes?"
Trump: "That's what I said."
Clinton: "No, you said 'avoiding taxes'."
Holt: "For the record, Mr. Trump, you did say, 'avoiding taxes'."
Trump: "You see what I have to deal with, folks? Crooked Hillary and the liberal media twisting my words around to suit their agenda."
Clinton: "We were just quoting you."
Trump: "Hey, I know my rights. Everything you say and do can be held against you on election day, but not me."
Clinton: "I don't think that's right."
Trump: "I don't think you're right - for this country!"
Clinton: "I don't think you're right about anything!"
Holt: "Would both of you please shut up for a moment please? Mr. Trump, have you avoided paying taxes?"
Trump: "I've been under audit for 15 years, Lesbian."
Holt: "For the last time, my name is Lester, and you didn't answer my question..."
Trump: "'Audit' is my secret code word for 'not paying taxes,' so like I said, I've been under audit for 15 years."
Holt: "So you haven't paid taxes for 15 years?"
Trump: "I didn't say that. I said I've been under audit for 15 years."
Holt: "But you said 'audit' was your secret code word for 'not paying taxes'..."
Trump: "No, I didn't"
Holt: "Let's shift our attention to race and racial relations in America. There's been a great deal of talk about this, especially in recent weeks with the multiple shootings of unarmed black men by police officers. How do we improve in this area? Secretary Clinton..."
Clinton: "We need police reform, drug reform, criminal justice reform, and prison reform. Having said that, I'd like to give Donald the rest of my time..."
Holt: "Very well... Mr. Trump, what do you have to say on the matter?"
Trump: "Let me just start by saying, like you, Lennox, I love the blacks. I love how all of you run really fast, jump bigly high, don't get pasty in the winter, and I've always been a yuge fan of watermelon and fried chicken."
Holt: "Jesus H. Christ..."
Trump: "He wasn't black."
Holt: "Moving on..."
Trump: "I wasn't done."
Holt: "Oh, yes you were..."
Trump: "Fine, but let me just say, I'm a huge fan of the show Law & Order. It's incredible, amazing, fantastic, unbelievable."
Holt: "I was going to ask about stop-and-frisk, but I think I should probably stray away from that topic..."
Trump: "It's right, necessary, and not at all racist."
Holt: "It was ruled unconstitutional."
Trump: "That's not true."
Holt: "That's what the facts showcase."
Trump: "Facts aren't important. What's more important is what you feel you want the facts to be."
Holt: "So if I told you 7 + 7 = 14 and you wanted to believe 7 + 7 = 41, that would be perfectly fine?"
Trump: "Yes, and 7 + 7 = 32."
Holt: "No, it doesn't."
Trump: "Yes it does, and Lupus, it's not your job to fact-check me, okay?"
Holt: "Just doing my job"
Trump: "You're doing it wrong, and 7 + 7 = 26.'
Holt: "You said 32"
Trump: "No, I didn't"
Holt: "I will hesitatingly ask one more question regarding race. Mr. Trump, do you now believe President Obama was born in this country?"
Trump: "Sure, whatever"
Holt: "Is that a resounding yes or a 'Yes, just so people shut up about it'?"
Trump: "That's correct."
Holt: "Which one?"
Trump: "Both"
Holt: "Does anyone have any Aleve? I'm starting to get a headache."
Trump: "Pussy..."
Holt: "Excuse me?"
Trump: "Oh, nothing..."
Holt: "Let's now talk about security. What makes each of you feel as though you'd be better able to protect this country from terrorist attacks than the other? Mr. Trump, let's start with you this time..."
Trump: "I would treat the Genevieve Convention like it's the lucky bear rug I piss on at 3 o'clock every morning while I post my final tweets of the night. I would carpet-bomb Muslim areas with Dyson vacuum cleaners. I would bring back waterboarding via Gatorade showers - like the ones you see after football games. I would also learn more about world geography - like whether Syria is north of us, south, east, west, or somewhere in Illinois."
Holt: "Secretary Clinton..."
Clinton: "Wow... I am speechless right now, Lester. Hold on one second..."
Holt: "Are you dancing?"
Clinton: "Damn straight!"
Holt: "Where did you get moves like that?"
Clinton: "When my husband used to serenade me by playing Marvin Gaye songs on his saxophone before I played with his instrument."
Trump: "Cheater!"
Clinton: "You've been married three times."
Trump: "Right, but wrong!"
Clinton: "You've bragged about multiple affairs during at least two of those marriages."
Trump: "They were hot..."
Clinton: "You've called 'sleeping around' your own 'personal Vietnam'."
Trump: "I lost a lot of good semen out there..."
Holt: "What in the Sam Hill? Okay, enough of this. Let's wrap things up with your closing statements. Mr. Trump, we'll start with you."
Trump: "Is this thing over yet? I'm getting bored. After this debate is over, I'm thinking about either retweeting white supremacists or posting my own tweets about fat women. If there's one thing I don't like, it's fat women. I've been asked by hundreds of fat women to screw them and little Donnie always runs away. The only thing that scares him more is sticking him into a freezer like I did that one time for good luck. Long story... Wait, is this mic on? Aren't we at commercial?"
Holt: "Sadly, no. Secretary Clinton..."
Clinton: "For all those that watched this debate, I just got two words for you: Bitches rule! :: mic drop ::"
Hillary Clinton: "Thanks, Lester, and may I say, you're looking incredibly handsome tonight..."
Holt: "That's not going to win me over. Remember, I am a Republican."
Donald Trump: "Wrong. That's a lie. This guy doesn't know what he's talking about, folks. He's with Crooked Hillary. By the way, is it okay if I call you Crooked Hillary? I want you to be happy."
Clinton: "I honestly don't give a rat's ass."
Trump: "Good, because I was going to call you that anyway."
Clinton: "Yes, I know."
Holt: "Can we please get back to the question? Why do each of you feel you'd be better suited than the other to be the next President of the United States? Secretary Clinton, let's try this again..."
Clinton: "I have 30 years experience in the world of politics. I've been First Lady, a senator, the Secretary of state, and been running for president since I was eligible to become one - so for the past 33+ years. If that's not dedication, I don't know what is."
Holt: "Mr. Trump..."
Trump: "Dedication shmedication... Let's talk about your husband's dedication, Crooked Hillary. So, Crooked Hillary, how's life with Erect Billy?"
Clinton: "Really? Do you really want to go there, Limp-Dick Donald?"
Trump: "I have no problems with that, believe me, folks. I guarantee it. I guarantee it."
Clinton: "You've been married how many times and had how many affairs? How's that for dedication?"
Trump: "Look, little Donnie has got a mind of his own sometimes, okay? That's just science. I thought you were a bigly believer in science, but I guess not."
Clinton: "So your cheating is excusable but it's my fault my husband cheated on me?"
Trump: "Yes, because consistency is my middle name and sexism is dead, people. It's deader than something that's not living anymore."
Holt: "Cut it out! The both of you! Mr. Trump, would you please answer my question?"
Trump: "What was that? I think your mic is defective. Mine might be as well. Testes, testes, 1, 2, 1, 2. Can all 80 million of you hear me at home? Yes? Okay then. In case I lose this debate, however, please answer 'no' when you're asked again. Thanks."
Holt: "Why do you feel you're better suited than Secretary Clinton to be the next President of the United States?"
Trump: "I just am"
Holt: "But why?"
Trump: "Because I said so"
Holt: "Whatever... Moving on... Speaking of science, what are both your feelings on global warming? Secretary Clinton, we'll again start with you..."
Clinton: "If scientists are nearly unanimous in their belief that global warming is real and man-made, I'm going to believe their expertise and believe it as well. My opponent, meanwhile, thinks it's some kind of hoax perpetrated by the Chinese."
Trump: "I never said that. I only tweeted it a few times and the words accidentally came out of my mouth a few others. Look it up."
Holt: "I just looked it up and it appears you have claimed that global warming is a hoax perpetrated by the Chinese."
Trump: "Look it up again - only this time, Google the words 'Trump's heavily edited Wikipedia page'."
Holt: "No thanks. Mr. Trump, you've largely run on the platform that you're a successful businessman and can therefore help jumpstart the economy. What all will you do to help create more and better-paying jobs?"
Trump: "That's right. I've always been a successful businessman, Lecter."
Holt: "That's Lester..."
Trump: "Oh, sorry, Leper. Anyway, as I was saying, Lexus, I've always been a genius when it comes to business, and that's exactly what we need to make America great again!"
Holt: "Again, it's Lester and how will you create all these jobs?"
Trump: "Look, it's not how I'm going to do it or whatever. I'm just gonna do it, okay?!? I mean, like everyone else, I was loaned a very small sum of $1 million from my daddy, inherited millions and I mean millions more, was surrounded by people who knew how to make me richer, found a way to get bankrupted six times, call myself 'the king of debt' for fun, have had 4,000 lawsuits filed against me, lost $1 billion on two separate occasions, haven't paid taxes pretty much since dinosaurs ruled the world, have sent jobs overseas, paid illegals to work for me, so like yeah - I think my record speaks for itself."
Holt: "Okay then..."
Trump: "Wait - I forgot one other thing. I also did business with an Iranian bank linked to terrorism. I was against Obama's Iran agreement from the start, and this is why. I've personally dealt with Iranian terrorists - and they're very bad terrorists, very very bad terrorists indeed."
Holt: "Wow... Okay, segueing from that, let's talk about taxes. Secretary Clinton..."
Clinton: "To put it simply, I've paid my fair share of taxes and been transparent about it with the public, while Donald here hasn't been transparent and leaves me wondering whether or not he's paid any taxes, let alone his fair share."
Trump: "I have, believe me. It's like that old saying goes, 'The only two certainties in life are death and avoiding taxes, or whatever.'"
Clinton: "Do you mean paying taxes?"
Trump: "That's what I said."
Clinton: "No, you said 'avoiding taxes'."
Holt: "For the record, Mr. Trump, you did say, 'avoiding taxes'."
Trump: "You see what I have to deal with, folks? Crooked Hillary and the liberal media twisting my words around to suit their agenda."
Clinton: "We were just quoting you."
Trump: "Hey, I know my rights. Everything you say and do can be held against you on election day, but not me."
Clinton: "I don't think that's right."
Trump: "I don't think you're right - for this country!"
Clinton: "I don't think you're right about anything!"
Holt: "Would both of you please shut up for a moment please? Mr. Trump, have you avoided paying taxes?"
Trump: "I've been under audit for 15 years, Lesbian."
Holt: "For the last time, my name is Lester, and you didn't answer my question..."
Trump: "'Audit' is my secret code word for 'not paying taxes,' so like I said, I've been under audit for 15 years."
Holt: "So you haven't paid taxes for 15 years?"
Trump: "I didn't say that. I said I've been under audit for 15 years."
Holt: "But you said 'audit' was your secret code word for 'not paying taxes'..."
Trump: "No, I didn't"
Holt: "Let's shift our attention to race and racial relations in America. There's been a great deal of talk about this, especially in recent weeks with the multiple shootings of unarmed black men by police officers. How do we improve in this area? Secretary Clinton..."
Clinton: "We need police reform, drug reform, criminal justice reform, and prison reform. Having said that, I'd like to give Donald the rest of my time..."
Holt: "Very well... Mr. Trump, what do you have to say on the matter?"
Trump: "Let me just start by saying, like you, Lennox, I love the blacks. I love how all of you run really fast, jump bigly high, don't get pasty in the winter, and I've always been a yuge fan of watermelon and fried chicken."
Holt: "Jesus H. Christ..."
Trump: "He wasn't black."
Holt: "Moving on..."
Trump: "I wasn't done."
Holt: "Oh, yes you were..."
Trump: "Fine, but let me just say, I'm a huge fan of the show Law & Order. It's incredible, amazing, fantastic, unbelievable."
Holt: "I was going to ask about stop-and-frisk, but I think I should probably stray away from that topic..."
Trump: "It's right, necessary, and not at all racist."
Holt: "It was ruled unconstitutional."
Trump: "That's not true."
Holt: "That's what the facts showcase."
Trump: "Facts aren't important. What's more important is what you feel you want the facts to be."
Holt: "So if I told you 7 + 7 = 14 and you wanted to believe 7 + 7 = 41, that would be perfectly fine?"
Trump: "Yes, and 7 + 7 = 32."
Holt: "No, it doesn't."
Trump: "Yes it does, and Lupus, it's not your job to fact-check me, okay?"
Holt: "Just doing my job"
Trump: "You're doing it wrong, and 7 + 7 = 26.'
Holt: "You said 32"
Trump: "No, I didn't"
Holt: "I will hesitatingly ask one more question regarding race. Mr. Trump, do you now believe President Obama was born in this country?"
Trump: "Sure, whatever"
Holt: "Is that a resounding yes or a 'Yes, just so people shut up about it'?"
Trump: "That's correct."
Holt: "Which one?"
Trump: "Both"
Holt: "Does anyone have any Aleve? I'm starting to get a headache."
Trump: "Pussy..."
Holt: "Excuse me?"
Trump: "Oh, nothing..."
Holt: "Let's now talk about security. What makes each of you feel as though you'd be better able to protect this country from terrorist attacks than the other? Mr. Trump, let's start with you this time..."
Trump: "I would treat the Genevieve Convention like it's the lucky bear rug I piss on at 3 o'clock every morning while I post my final tweets of the night. I would carpet-bomb Muslim areas with Dyson vacuum cleaners. I would bring back waterboarding via Gatorade showers - like the ones you see after football games. I would also learn more about world geography - like whether Syria is north of us, south, east, west, or somewhere in Illinois."
Holt: "Secretary Clinton..."
Clinton: "Wow... I am speechless right now, Lester. Hold on one second..."
Holt: "Are you dancing?"
Clinton: "Damn straight!"
Holt: "Where did you get moves like that?"
Clinton: "When my husband used to serenade me by playing Marvin Gaye songs on his saxophone before I played with his instrument."
Trump: "Cheater!"
Clinton: "You've been married three times."
Trump: "Right, but wrong!"
Clinton: "You've bragged about multiple affairs during at least two of those marriages."
Trump: "They were hot..."
Clinton: "You've called 'sleeping around' your own 'personal Vietnam'."
Trump: "I lost a lot of good semen out there..."
Holt: "What in the Sam Hill? Okay, enough of this. Let's wrap things up with your closing statements. Mr. Trump, we'll start with you."
Trump: "Is this thing over yet? I'm getting bored. After this debate is over, I'm thinking about either retweeting white supremacists or posting my own tweets about fat women. If there's one thing I don't like, it's fat women. I've been asked by hundreds of fat women to screw them and little Donnie always runs away. The only thing that scares him more is sticking him into a freezer like I did that one time for good luck. Long story... Wait, is this mic on? Aren't we at commercial?"
Holt: "Sadly, no. Secretary Clinton..."
Clinton: "For all those that watched this debate, I just got two words for you: Bitches rule! :: mic drop ::"
I laughed a lot. It is so funny and shows what Trump really was thinking (at the debate), but not really saying. Great job, thanks a lot.
ReplyDeleteThanks a bunch! It's difficult at times to satirize Trump's already ridiculous words and antics, but I still try! Thanks again! :)
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