Martha Raddatz: "Good evening, and welcome to the second presidential debate. We ask all of you in the audience to shut up throughout the duration of the debate, but now ask you to put your hands together and make the Earth shake for our two presidential nominees, Republican Donald Trump and Democrat Hillary Clinton."
Anderson Cooper: "Yeah, what she said. So, let's go to our first question from the audience..."
Question: "I want to talk to you about the children. This has been a pretty nasty election cycle. Do you feel you're exhibiting role modelesque behavior for this nation's youth?"
Hillary Clinton: "I don't know about any of you, but I believe the children are our future. We need to teach them well and let them lead the way. Not only that, we have to show them all the beauty they possess ins-iiiiide. We should give them a sense of pride to make it easier and let the children's laughter remind us..."
Cooper: "I'm going to stop you right there. Mr. Trump, care to chime in?"
Donald Trump: "It's the end of the world as we know it unless you elect me. Six o'clock, blah blah blah, yada yada yada, whatever whatever whatever. Period! By the way, ISIS, gun violence, the Holocaust - all Hillary and Obama's fault."
Cooper: "That had nothing to do with the question, but you'll likely be able to make such comments later. Sticking with you, Mr. Trump, did you happen to capture that leaked video of you and Billy Bush the other day? In it, you appeared to brag about being able to sexually assault women because of your fame. Is that correct?"
Trump: "It's just locker room talk, Anderson."
Cooper: "When's the last time you were in a locker room?"
Trump: "I can't remember - a few d...ecades ago."
Cooper: "So how in the world would you know what guys talk about in locker rooms?"
Trump: "Bus talk, locker room talk, anything Donald Trump is in talk - it's all the same."
Cooper: "What you described to Billy Bush was sexual assault. Do you realize that?"
Trump: "No. Look, it's just how guys talk. When we get together, it's natural to start the conversation, not by saying hi, how's it going?, how's the third wife, or any of that crap; it's, 'How many sets of female genitalia have you grabbed this week?' I'm always like, '7,' because it's my goal to grab one pussyfoot every week."
Cooper: "Pussyfoot?"
Trump: "Yeah. Don't you know how babies are made, Anderson? Wait... Nevermind... Well, anyway, guys stick their dingaling into a woman's pussyfoot, and you magically get babies."
Cooper: "I think you may be just slightly off base here, but anyway, do you feel any remorse for what was leaked in the video?"
Trump: "What I said wasn't anywhere near as bad as what Bill Clinton has said or done, believe me."
Cooper: "So his bad behavior excuses you of yours? Two wrongs make a right?"
Trump: "A bigly right, yes"
Cooper: "Okay, moving on..."
Trump: "Can I say just one more thing? I have tremendous respect for women. I have respect for their breasts, asses, and wherevers."
Cooper: "I'm sure they're all very touched to hear you say that."
Trump: "Yeah, I'd like to touch a few of them - especially her up front here."
Cooper: "Isn't your wife here?"
Trump: "Lani's okay with it. Aren't you, sweetie?"
Cooper: "Secretary Clinton, would you care to respond?"
Clinton: "I think Donald said all that needed to be said. The prosecution rests, your honor."
Cooper: "We're not finished yet."
Clinton: "Damn!"
Raddatz: "We'd now like to move on to an online question. This individual claims that you've said this campaign has changed you. How so? ...and how different are you today than the 59-year-old man we heard in that leaked video?"
Trump: "They're just words, bitch."
Raddatz: "Excuse me?!?"
Trump: "They're just words Ms. Martha bitch. When guys get together, we don't just say, 'Wow, did you see so and so? She's so hot!' We say, 'Damn, I'd like to be arrested for a felony feeling her up without consent!'"
Raddatz: :: speechless ::
Trump: "Is this mic defective again or something? Look, Ms. Pussywillow, I've apologized for these words. When I say I've apologized for something, simply using the word 'apologize' means I've apologized, regardless of whether or not I said two words that rhyme with 'dime tarry'. Hillary Clinton, though? If you want to talk about who really disrespects women, it's her! I've cheated on all three of my lovely lives many many times and am surprised I don't have herpes, but believe you me, it's Crooked Hillary's fault her husband cheated on her. It's always the woman's fault! I'm not sexist, folks. I just tell it like it is, misogynist-style."
Raddatz: :: still speechless ::
Cooper: "I'll take over for a moment. Here, have some of my water, Martha."
Raddatz: "I'd like some whiskey instead."
Cooper: "Me too, but we still have to wrap this show up."
Raddatz: "Oh, for f*ck's sake!"
Cooper: "Sorry about that. Secretary Clinton, would you care to respond to Mr. Trump's remarks?"
Clinton: "Once again, no further questions, your honor."
Cooper: "You do realize this isn't a courtroom, correct? Are you smoking? Smoking isn't allowed in this building, ma'am..."
Clinton: "I always light one up when I win something big. I'll smoke this outside. Donald, care to take over while I do that?"
Trump: "You see that? Hillary Clinton is a liar and a smoker! We can't elect someone who takes such poor care of their health president. Hold on a sec... :: sniff sniff sniff sniff ::"
Cooper: "Are you alright, sir?"
Trump: :: sniff sniff sniff :: "Yeah, I'm fine. Crooked Hillary's back. Please put the camera on her for a second..."
Raddatz: "Okay, Secretary Clinton, let's talk about what your husband recently said about the Affordable Care Act, or as it's more widely known, Obamacare. He said, 'It's the craziest thing in the world.' How would you like to respond?"
Clinton: "First of all, that's not what he meant and has since clarified himself on the matter..."
Trump: "He said it."
Clinton: "Yes, but..."
Trump: "He said it, he said it..."
Cooper: "Please, Mr. Trump, Secretary didn't interrupt you while you were speaking..."
Clinton: "As I was saying..."
Trump: "He said it..."
Cooper: "Donald..."
Clinton: "Can I talk now? Okay, as I was saying, while my husband may have used those words, he wasn't saying that Obamacare is a complete and total failure. He's often praised the bill for covering 20 million more people. It's not perfect, though, and we need to fix its shortfalls in the next administration, but not do away with it completely. If we do away with it completely, we'll have to find a way to start over and provide those 20 million newly uninsured people health insurance."
Raddatz: "Mr. Trump, would you care to respond?"
Trump: "Obamacare is a disaster, folks. It's a bigly disaster. It might be the bigliest disaster to human health since Jesus went on the Titanic. It's bad, like really bad, and it's only going to get worse, worser than worse - worstest."
Cooper: "...and what would you do to improve our healthcare system?"
Trump: "I'd make it better - loads, tons better!"
Cooper: "Okay, but how?"
Trump: "I'd make it better by making it better, believe me."
Cooper: "Moving on... Mr. Trump, how long's it been since you last paid federal income taxes?"
Trump: "I don't know. It's been a while, but I still pay them."
Cooper: "Come again?"
Trump: "That's what she said."
Cooper: "Where was I?"
Trump: "That's not what she said. I only grab sober and awake women's pussies without their consent. Why? Because I respect women."
Cooper: "Secretary Clinton, is there anything you'd like to add? What are you smoking this time?"
Clinton: "Don't worry about it. It's for medical reasons."
Trump: "You see? I told you she had AIDS!"
Raddatz: "That's been debunked, sir."
Trump: "Whatever. There you liberal media people go with all your fancy facts! Let me tell you something - facts don't matter if you feel differently! For example, I'm a genius. There, I said it."
Raddatz: "Jesus... Before I get to the final question, I'd like to let everyone know that this adorable gentleman over here in the red sweater is named Ken Bone."
Cooper: "Ken Bone? Seriously?"
Clinton: "Sounds like a porn star's name!"
Trump: "I was in a porno once. Family values. Trump/Pence 2016!"
Raddatz: "Moving on to our final question, we'll go back out to our audience. Take it away..."
Question: "Can you say something positive about the other candidate?"
Clinton: "Yes, but I'd rather say something positive about his children."
Trump: "Sure. I may have been saying for quite some time that Crooked Hillary lacks the sta-mi-naaaa for the presidency, but she's a fighter and will never quit on you. Making sense of that, Hillary Clinton is rarely ever awake, but when she is, she doesn't quit."
Cooper: "That's all the time we have for today. We'd like to thank the two candidates, the university, and the fact that tonight's circus is finally over. Wanna go get that shot now, Martha?"
Raddatz: "Make it three!"
Cooper: "Yeah, same here."
Trump: "I'm gonna follow Crooked Hillary around all over the place. She's getting in my space, people. Can you see this? I follow her and she's somehow really close to me. She needs to learn about boundaries."
Raddatz: "Does he know his mic's still on?"
Cooper: "I doubt it. Let's go. Goodnight all, and good fricking luck!"
Anderson Cooper: "Yeah, what she said. So, let's go to our first question from the audience..."
Question: "I want to talk to you about the children. This has been a pretty nasty election cycle. Do you feel you're exhibiting role modelesque behavior for this nation's youth?"
Hillary Clinton: "I don't know about any of you, but I believe the children are our future. We need to teach them well and let them lead the way. Not only that, we have to show them all the beauty they possess ins-iiiiide. We should give them a sense of pride to make it easier and let the children's laughter remind us..."
Cooper: "I'm going to stop you right there. Mr. Trump, care to chime in?"
Donald Trump: "It's the end of the world as we know it unless you elect me. Six o'clock, blah blah blah, yada yada yada, whatever whatever whatever. Period! By the way, ISIS, gun violence, the Holocaust - all Hillary and Obama's fault."
Cooper: "That had nothing to do with the question, but you'll likely be able to make such comments later. Sticking with you, Mr. Trump, did you happen to capture that leaked video of you and Billy Bush the other day? In it, you appeared to brag about being able to sexually assault women because of your fame. Is that correct?"
Trump: "It's just locker room talk, Anderson."
Cooper: "When's the last time you were in a locker room?"
Trump: "I can't remember - a few d...ecades ago."
Cooper: "So how in the world would you know what guys talk about in locker rooms?"
Trump: "Bus talk, locker room talk, anything Donald Trump is in talk - it's all the same."
Cooper: "What you described to Billy Bush was sexual assault. Do you realize that?"
Trump: "No. Look, it's just how guys talk. When we get together, it's natural to start the conversation, not by saying hi, how's it going?, how's the third wife, or any of that crap; it's, 'How many sets of female genitalia have you grabbed this week?' I'm always like, '7,' because it's my goal to grab one pussyfoot every week."
Cooper: "Pussyfoot?"
Trump: "Yeah. Don't you know how babies are made, Anderson? Wait... Nevermind... Well, anyway, guys stick their dingaling into a woman's pussyfoot, and you magically get babies."
Cooper: "I think you may be just slightly off base here, but anyway, do you feel any remorse for what was leaked in the video?"
Trump: "What I said wasn't anywhere near as bad as what Bill Clinton has said or done, believe me."
Cooper: "So his bad behavior excuses you of yours? Two wrongs make a right?"
Trump: "A bigly right, yes"
Cooper: "Okay, moving on..."
Trump: "Can I say just one more thing? I have tremendous respect for women. I have respect for their breasts, asses, and wherevers."
Cooper: "I'm sure they're all very touched to hear you say that."
Trump: "Yeah, I'd like to touch a few of them - especially her up front here."
Cooper: "Isn't your wife here?"
Trump: "Lani's okay with it. Aren't you, sweetie?"
Cooper: "Secretary Clinton, would you care to respond?"
Clinton: "I think Donald said all that needed to be said. The prosecution rests, your honor."
Cooper: "We're not finished yet."
Clinton: "Damn!"
Raddatz: "We'd now like to move on to an online question. This individual claims that you've said this campaign has changed you. How so? ...and how different are you today than the 59-year-old man we heard in that leaked video?"
Trump: "They're just words, bitch."
Raddatz: "Excuse me?!?"
Trump: "They're just words Ms. Martha bitch. When guys get together, we don't just say, 'Wow, did you see so and so? She's so hot!' We say, 'Damn, I'd like to be arrested for a felony feeling her up without consent!'"
Raddatz: :: speechless ::
Trump: "Is this mic defective again or something? Look, Ms. Pussywillow, I've apologized for these words. When I say I've apologized for something, simply using the word 'apologize' means I've apologized, regardless of whether or not I said two words that rhyme with 'dime tarry'. Hillary Clinton, though? If you want to talk about who really disrespects women, it's her! I've cheated on all three of my lovely lives many many times and am surprised I don't have herpes, but believe you me, it's Crooked Hillary's fault her husband cheated on her. It's always the woman's fault! I'm not sexist, folks. I just tell it like it is, misogynist-style."
Raddatz: :: still speechless ::
Cooper: "I'll take over for a moment. Here, have some of my water, Martha."
Raddatz: "I'd like some whiskey instead."
Cooper: "Me too, but we still have to wrap this show up."
Raddatz: "Oh, for f*ck's sake!"
Cooper: "Sorry about that. Secretary Clinton, would you care to respond to Mr. Trump's remarks?"
Clinton: "Once again, no further questions, your honor."
Cooper: "You do realize this isn't a courtroom, correct? Are you smoking? Smoking isn't allowed in this building, ma'am..."
Clinton: "I always light one up when I win something big. I'll smoke this outside. Donald, care to take over while I do that?"
Trump: "You see that? Hillary Clinton is a liar and a smoker! We can't elect someone who takes such poor care of their health president. Hold on a sec... :: sniff sniff sniff sniff ::"
Cooper: "Are you alright, sir?"
Trump: :: sniff sniff sniff :: "Yeah, I'm fine. Crooked Hillary's back. Please put the camera on her for a second..."
Raddatz: "Okay, Secretary Clinton, let's talk about what your husband recently said about the Affordable Care Act, or as it's more widely known, Obamacare. He said, 'It's the craziest thing in the world.' How would you like to respond?"
Clinton: "First of all, that's not what he meant and has since clarified himself on the matter..."
Trump: "He said it."
Clinton: "Yes, but..."
Trump: "He said it, he said it..."
Cooper: "Please, Mr. Trump, Secretary didn't interrupt you while you were speaking..."
Clinton: "As I was saying..."
Trump: "He said it..."
Cooper: "Donald..."
Clinton: "Can I talk now? Okay, as I was saying, while my husband may have used those words, he wasn't saying that Obamacare is a complete and total failure. He's often praised the bill for covering 20 million more people. It's not perfect, though, and we need to fix its shortfalls in the next administration, but not do away with it completely. If we do away with it completely, we'll have to find a way to start over and provide those 20 million newly uninsured people health insurance."
Raddatz: "Mr. Trump, would you care to respond?"
Trump: "Obamacare is a disaster, folks. It's a bigly disaster. It might be the bigliest disaster to human health since Jesus went on the Titanic. It's bad, like really bad, and it's only going to get worse, worser than worse - worstest."
Cooper: "...and what would you do to improve our healthcare system?"
Trump: "I'd make it better - loads, tons better!"
Cooper: "Okay, but how?"
Trump: "I'd make it better by making it better, believe me."
Cooper: "Moving on... Mr. Trump, how long's it been since you last paid federal income taxes?"
Trump: "I don't know. It's been a while, but I still pay them."
Cooper: "Come again?"
Trump: "That's what she said."
Cooper: "Where was I?"
Trump: "That's not what she said. I only grab sober and awake women's pussies without their consent. Why? Because I respect women."
Cooper: "Secretary Clinton, is there anything you'd like to add? What are you smoking this time?"
Clinton: "Don't worry about it. It's for medical reasons."
Trump: "You see? I told you she had AIDS!"
Raddatz: "That's been debunked, sir."
Trump: "Whatever. There you liberal media people go with all your fancy facts! Let me tell you something - facts don't matter if you feel differently! For example, I'm a genius. There, I said it."
Raddatz: "Jesus... Before I get to the final question, I'd like to let everyone know that this adorable gentleman over here in the red sweater is named Ken Bone."
Cooper: "Ken Bone? Seriously?"
Clinton: "Sounds like a porn star's name!"
Trump: "I was in a porno once. Family values. Trump/Pence 2016!"
Raddatz: "Moving on to our final question, we'll go back out to our audience. Take it away..."
Question: "Can you say something positive about the other candidate?"
Clinton: "Yes, but I'd rather say something positive about his children."
Trump: "Sure. I may have been saying for quite some time that Crooked Hillary lacks the sta-mi-naaaa for the presidency, but she's a fighter and will never quit on you. Making sense of that, Hillary Clinton is rarely ever awake, but when she is, she doesn't quit."
Cooper: "That's all the time we have for today. We'd like to thank the two candidates, the university, and the fact that tonight's circus is finally over. Wanna go get that shot now, Martha?"
Raddatz: "Make it three!"
Cooper: "Yeah, same here."
Trump: "I'm gonna follow Crooked Hillary around all over the place. She's getting in my space, people. Can you see this? I follow her and she's somehow really close to me. She needs to learn about boundaries."
Raddatz: "Does he know his mic's still on?"
Cooper: "I doubt it. Let's go. Goodnight all, and good fricking luck!"
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