In a move that shocked conservatives all across the country, after attending a Bible reading which was made mandatory through legislation backed by the Republican majority in both the House and the Senate, the Republican Party has decided to renounce Jesus.
Realizing the inevitable backlash from supporters that the party was going to receive, the Republican National Committee mailed a letter to every registered voter, which said this:
"Dear patriot,
As sad as we are to say this as Republicans, we can no longer call ourselves the party of God, faith, or religion. After attending a Bible reading, we realized Jesus' teachings and beliefs aren't in line with our own and have decided to renounce him. We just ask that you still trust us, give us money, vote for us, and regardless of how our actions may showcase otherwise, believe us when we declare to the world that we're Christians. God bless you all and God bless you the United States of America.
Sincerely,
RNC"
When asked to elaborate on renouncing Jesus, the following Republicans had these things to say:
- "He seriously gave to the poor? I thought he was always about giving to the corps, you know, corporations. He probably doesn't even believe in trickle-down economics. Ronald Reagan could teach Jesus a thing or two!" - Iowa Representative Steve King
- "What was that thing about not throwing stones at people if you've sinned? I've killed I don't know how many people on death row and have I ever asked, 'Should I really stone this person because I've been stoned before?' I mean, come on, Jesus!" - former Texas Governor Rick Perry
- "Jesus hung out with way too many guys and didn't even say anything bad about the gays. If I'm ever with a bunch of guys, the first thing I say is, 'Look, everybody, I'm not gay, have never been gay, and will never be gay, and for any of you that are, due to a betrayal of Jesus' teachings, just know your punishment is eternal damnation in hell!' But now it seems like Jesus wouldn't want me to say such things and that just makes me feel a little weird, like I may be doing or saying something wrong, and I don't like that, not one bit. I mean, how dare Jesus judge me for judging others!" - former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee
- "He always seems to be about peace and that kind of crap. The guy's like a fricking hippie for Christ's sake! What's with that robe and sandals get-up he's got? Hey Jesus, when I talk about bombs, I'm not talking about Jagerbombs!" - Arizona Senator John McCain
- "I now feel really uncomfortable in thinking that Jesus feels it's necessary for us to love and accept everybody. Who is he to judge? If someone's different than me, chances are I'm not going to accept them. This includes: Blacks, Muslims, Hispanics, gays, Asians, poor people, atheists, middle-class people, crossdressers, lesbians, bisexuals, Buddhists, Hindus, agnostics, babies or children that aren't fetuses, little people, Obama, and women. So, you see, Jesus? It's you that has the problem in not accepting the fact I don't accept most people! Who's the hypocrite now, JC? Hmm?" - Texas Congressman Louie Gohmert
In response to all this, the Democratic National Committee simply wrote, "It's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas. Amen."
Realizing the inevitable backlash from supporters that the party was going to receive, the Republican National Committee mailed a letter to every registered voter, which said this:
"Dear patriot,
As sad as we are to say this as Republicans, we can no longer call ourselves the party of God, faith, or religion. After attending a Bible reading, we realized Jesus' teachings and beliefs aren't in line with our own and have decided to renounce him. We just ask that you still trust us, give us money, vote for us, and regardless of how our actions may showcase otherwise, believe us when we declare to the world that we're Christians. God bless you all and God bless you the United States of America.
Sincerely,
RNC"
When asked to elaborate on renouncing Jesus, the following Republicans had these things to say:
- "He seriously gave to the poor? I thought he was always about giving to the corps, you know, corporations. He probably doesn't even believe in trickle-down economics. Ronald Reagan could teach Jesus a thing or two!" - Iowa Representative Steve King
- "What was that thing about not throwing stones at people if you've sinned? I've killed I don't know how many people on death row and have I ever asked, 'Should I really stone this person because I've been stoned before?' I mean, come on, Jesus!" - former Texas Governor Rick Perry
- "Jesus hung out with way too many guys and didn't even say anything bad about the gays. If I'm ever with a bunch of guys, the first thing I say is, 'Look, everybody, I'm not gay, have never been gay, and will never be gay, and for any of you that are, due to a betrayal of Jesus' teachings, just know your punishment is eternal damnation in hell!' But now it seems like Jesus wouldn't want me to say such things and that just makes me feel a little weird, like I may be doing or saying something wrong, and I don't like that, not one bit. I mean, how dare Jesus judge me for judging others!" - former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee
- "He always seems to be about peace and that kind of crap. The guy's like a fricking hippie for Christ's sake! What's with that robe and sandals get-up he's got? Hey Jesus, when I talk about bombs, I'm not talking about Jagerbombs!" - Arizona Senator John McCain
- "I now feel really uncomfortable in thinking that Jesus feels it's necessary for us to love and accept everybody. Who is he to judge? If someone's different than me, chances are I'm not going to accept them. This includes: Blacks, Muslims, Hispanics, gays, Asians, poor people, atheists, middle-class people, crossdressers, lesbians, bisexuals, Buddhists, Hindus, agnostics, babies or children that aren't fetuses, little people, Obama, and women. So, you see, Jesus? It's you that has the problem in not accepting the fact I don't accept most people! Who's the hypocrite now, JC? Hmm?" - Texas Congressman Louie Gohmert
In response to all this, the Democratic National Committee simply wrote, "It's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas. Amen."
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