I read a Facebook post today which made me simultaneously shake my head and laugh, as I can't help but be dismayed by what many consider to be news nowadays. Brian Williams may have exaggerated or outright lied about a major story several years ago, yet a recent study also showed that Fox News exaggerates the truth or outright lies 61% of the time, not to mention that bumper stickers and online memes are passing as facts for many people anymore.
As for the before-mentioned article which was posted on Facebook, it's titled, "'The difference between high school in 1970 and 2015' couldn't be more accurate," by Joshua Riddle of Young Conservatives. He didn't write the original "piece," but like many other right-leaning sites, has decided to spread the word from the anonymous author. Rumor has it Snopes.com is conducting an investigation on the matter as we speak (or I type).
Here's the article. I'll be sure to make some lovely remarks throughout the duration of the "piece." Here we go...
"Scenario 1: Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.
1970 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack...
2015 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers."
Hmm... I notice this Jack doesn't have a last name and that, ironically enough, the vice principal's name appears to be Vice Principal, so that's special. Oh, I'm being told this is one of those parable story deals. How lovely... Please wait one second while I survey a bunch of parents on whether or not they'd like their high school kids comparing shotguns with the vice principal in the school parking lot (and no, I don't mean anything perverse there with the term "shotgun"). :: elevator music plays as I take the survey :: I'm back! The results are just what I expected! The parents love the idea, and approximately 67.8% of them even said, "Instead of having parent-teacher conferences where we talk about our kids' academics, we'd rather go with the teachers to a shooting range! Yee-haw!"
Continuing on with the article, the author then writes this:
"Scenario 2: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1970 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2015 - Police called and SWAT team arrives - they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it."
The stories now include Jack, Johnny, and Mark. Wait a minute, is this a children's book? Based on this scenario, this children's book will likely be based on a true story and is bound to be titled, High School Fight Club: How Mark and Johnny Became Best Friends By Beating the Crap Out of Each Other.
Moving on... Care to enlighten us any more, anonymous wise one?
"Scenario 3: Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students
1970 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good shouting by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2015 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD... The school gets extra money from the state because Jeffrey has a disability."
I think I may be getting ADD just reading this article... So, according to this author, a principal shouting at a student to behave would always be effective, eh? Also, it'd be perfectly fine for a student and vice principal to show each other their shotguns in the school parking lot? That's interesting... Suppose this yelled-at student sat still in class, but spent it devising a plan to get a shotgun and shoot the principal. The principal's last words may have been, "We should have sent him to a doctor and gotten him placed on Ritalin!" Sure, this is just a hypothetical scenario, but then again, so is this anonymous author's entire article. What's next, oh vague omniscient one?
"Scenario 4: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives screams at him"
1970 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
2015 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist."
This is the point of the article when I start to think, "Is this a writer who was rejected by The Onion? He can't be serious here, can he?" Sadly, it seems that he is, even though each and every scenario appears to be more unintentionally funny and ridiculous than the last. Billy had to have been a successful businessman. When's the last time you heard of a guy with the full name of Billy (like Cher or Madonna) not being a successful businessman? I rest my case... What's next, Onion-reject?
"Scenario 5: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1970 - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock..
2015 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations... His car is then searched for drugs and weapons."
Hopefully this principal didn't get really crazy and share the aspirin with the vice principal while he was comparing shotguns with a student out in the parking lot... Okay, anonymous source, are we almost done yet? Please?
"Scenario 6: Pedro fails high school English.
1970 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2015 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist.. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English teacher.. English is then banned from core curriculum.. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English."
How ironic is it that the writer attempts to dismiss racism by himself being racist? Also, while I've yet to read any articles from this fictional Pedro character, from the looks of it, I have a feeling the author of this article may have failed high school English himself... Anything else, my racist buddy?
"Scenario 7: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.
1970 - Ants die.
2015 - ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism.. The FBI investigates his parents -and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again."
If that's the case, this author may be placed on the Typo Watch List and never be allowed to write again... Please say we're done... We're not, are we?
"Scenario 8: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1970 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2015 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy"
I think I may need to undergo 5 years of therapy after reading this drivel. So, according to this article, the following is true:
- There is absolutely nothing wrong with bringing a gun to school or to bring it to the principal's office and say, "I'll show you mine if you show me yours."
- Fighting is cool.
- Screaming isn't quite as cool, but is cool enough. It's kind of like the A.C. Slater to the Zack Morris when compared to fighting. Yes, I just went there. Thanks for the reminder, Jimmy Fallon!
- The #1 key to a boy growing up to become a successful businessman is being yelled at by his father. The #2 key for this to occur is to have the full name of Billy.
- While schools should spend money on programs to preach that drugs are bad, it's perfectly acceptable for students to share drugs with teachers and principals. Instead of "Just say no to drugs!" the slogan should be, "Just say no to drugs! By the way, do you have any on you?"
- Hispanics are destined to do lawn work their whole lives because they can't speak English. In other news, it must be true that racism is over...
- If you are an ardent supporter of kids bringing guns to school, shooting guns, bringing drugs to school, and blowing things up with firecrackers, you're definitely Pro-Life. You may not be Pro-Finger, Pro-Hand, or Pro-Other body parts, but you're most certainly Pro-Life!
- If a person literally hugs a tree, that tree may file a restraining order against the person for invading its privacy and touching it inappropriately.
To close, allow me to provide readers with one final scenario...
Scenario 9: A typo-laden article, with dangerous and racist undertones, written by an anonymous author, spreads like wildfire
1970 - People of all political persuasions, including conservatives, call the article "hogwash"
2015 - Conservatives believe it to be as valid as the Bible and hail the anonymous author as a hero much like Jesus, Ronald Reagan, Ted Nugent, or Elmer Fudd.
http://www.youngcons.com/difference-high-school-1970-2015-couldnt-accurate/
http://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/article/2015/jan/29/punditfact-checks-cable-news-channels/
As for the before-mentioned article which was posted on Facebook, it's titled, "'The difference between high school in 1970 and 2015' couldn't be more accurate," by Joshua Riddle of Young Conservatives. He didn't write the original "piece," but like many other right-leaning sites, has decided to spread the word from the anonymous author. Rumor has it Snopes.com is conducting an investigation on the matter as we speak (or I type).
Here's the article. I'll be sure to make some lovely remarks throughout the duration of the "piece." Here we go...
"Scenario 1: Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.
1970 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack...
2015 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers."
Hmm... I notice this Jack doesn't have a last name and that, ironically enough, the vice principal's name appears to be Vice Principal, so that's special. Oh, I'm being told this is one of those parable story deals. How lovely... Please wait one second while I survey a bunch of parents on whether or not they'd like their high school kids comparing shotguns with the vice principal in the school parking lot (and no, I don't mean anything perverse there with the term "shotgun"). :: elevator music plays as I take the survey :: I'm back! The results are just what I expected! The parents love the idea, and approximately 67.8% of them even said, "Instead of having parent-teacher conferences where we talk about our kids' academics, we'd rather go with the teachers to a shooting range! Yee-haw!"
Continuing on with the article, the author then writes this:
"Scenario 2: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1970 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2015 - Police called and SWAT team arrives - they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it."
The stories now include Jack, Johnny, and Mark. Wait a minute, is this a children's book? Based on this scenario, this children's book will likely be based on a true story and is bound to be titled, High School Fight Club: How Mark and Johnny Became Best Friends By Beating the Crap Out of Each Other.
Moving on... Care to enlighten us any more, anonymous wise one?
"Scenario 3: Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students
1970 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good shouting by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2015 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD... The school gets extra money from the state because Jeffrey has a disability."
I think I may be getting ADD just reading this article... So, according to this author, a principal shouting at a student to behave would always be effective, eh? Also, it'd be perfectly fine for a student and vice principal to show each other their shotguns in the school parking lot? That's interesting... Suppose this yelled-at student sat still in class, but spent it devising a plan to get a shotgun and shoot the principal. The principal's last words may have been, "We should have sent him to a doctor and gotten him placed on Ritalin!" Sure, this is just a hypothetical scenario, but then again, so is this anonymous author's entire article. What's next, oh vague omniscient one?
"Scenario 4: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives screams at him"
1970 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
2015 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist."
This is the point of the article when I start to think, "Is this a writer who was rejected by The Onion? He can't be serious here, can he?" Sadly, it seems that he is, even though each and every scenario appears to be more unintentionally funny and ridiculous than the last. Billy had to have been a successful businessman. When's the last time you heard of a guy with the full name of Billy (like Cher or Madonna) not being a successful businessman? I rest my case... What's next, Onion-reject?
"Scenario 5: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1970 - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock..
2015 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations... His car is then searched for drugs and weapons."
Hopefully this principal didn't get really crazy and share the aspirin with the vice principal while he was comparing shotguns with a student out in the parking lot... Okay, anonymous source, are we almost done yet? Please?
"Scenario 6: Pedro fails high school English.
1970 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2015 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist.. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English teacher.. English is then banned from core curriculum.. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English."
How ironic is it that the writer attempts to dismiss racism by himself being racist? Also, while I've yet to read any articles from this fictional Pedro character, from the looks of it, I have a feeling the author of this article may have failed high school English himself... Anything else, my racist buddy?
"Scenario 7: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.
1970 - Ants die.
2015 - ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism.. The FBI investigates his parents -and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again."
If that's the case, this author may be placed on the Typo Watch List and never be allowed to write again... Please say we're done... We're not, are we?
"Scenario 8: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1970 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2015 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy"
I think I may need to undergo 5 years of therapy after reading this drivel. So, according to this article, the following is true:
- There is absolutely nothing wrong with bringing a gun to school or to bring it to the principal's office and say, "I'll show you mine if you show me yours."
- Fighting is cool.
- Screaming isn't quite as cool, but is cool enough. It's kind of like the A.C. Slater to the Zack Morris when compared to fighting. Yes, I just went there. Thanks for the reminder, Jimmy Fallon!
- The #1 key to a boy growing up to become a successful businessman is being yelled at by his father. The #2 key for this to occur is to have the full name of Billy.
- While schools should spend money on programs to preach that drugs are bad, it's perfectly acceptable for students to share drugs with teachers and principals. Instead of "Just say no to drugs!" the slogan should be, "Just say no to drugs! By the way, do you have any on you?"
- Hispanics are destined to do lawn work their whole lives because they can't speak English. In other news, it must be true that racism is over...
- If you are an ardent supporter of kids bringing guns to school, shooting guns, bringing drugs to school, and blowing things up with firecrackers, you're definitely Pro-Life. You may not be Pro-Finger, Pro-Hand, or Pro-Other body parts, but you're most certainly Pro-Life!
- If a person literally hugs a tree, that tree may file a restraining order against the person for invading its privacy and touching it inappropriately.
To close, allow me to provide readers with one final scenario...
Scenario 9: A typo-laden article, with dangerous and racist undertones, written by an anonymous author, spreads like wildfire
1970 - People of all political persuasions, including conservatives, call the article "hogwash"
2015 - Conservatives believe it to be as valid as the Bible and hail the anonymous author as a hero much like Jesus, Ronald Reagan, Ted Nugent, or Elmer Fudd.
http://www.youngcons.com/difference-high-school-1970-2015-couldnt-accurate/
http://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/article/2015/jan/29/punditfact-checks-cable-news-channels/
sad....the "lovely remarks" lacked both intelligence and humor, I am glad I skipped to the end.
ReplyDeleteSo let me get this straight... You read my "lovely remarks," which appeared throughout the duration of the post, however, you skipped to the very end, which again contained some of these "lovely remarks"? How does that work exactly? Oh yeah, it can't. Nice try, though... Come again when you have something of substance to say. I have a hunch I'll be waiting a while. Have a nice day.
DeleteI did not skip to the very end but agree "lovely remarks" lacked intelligence and humor.
ReplyDeleteYou (1/11/16): "I am glad I skipped to the end."
DeleteYou (8/19/16): "I did not skip to the very end."
Fascinating...