In a surprise move, potential 2016 Republican presidential candidates decided to gather together and hold a "We Love America" rally, and in so doing, defend former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani's statement that President Obama "doesn't love America." The rally, which appeared to be a spur of the moment event, was aired on Fox News, where several aspiring leaders of the Republican Party made it known just how the president is supposed to illustrate his love for the United States of America.
Former Florida Governor Jeb Bush started the rally off by saying, "You know how you show you love America, Mr. President? You show you love America by lying about the pretenses of a war and getting thousands of our soldiers killed all because of oil and wanting to show your daddy up! I'd sure as hell do that, and do you know why? Because I love America, dammit!"
Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal followed Bush, saying, "If the president really loved America, he'd stop trying to make gays happy by letting those that have been together for 40 or 50 years get married! I wouldn't let that happen, and do you know why? Because I'm not gay and I love America!"
Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee kept things rolling, saying, "Do any of you really think that the president loves America? If he really loved America, he'd stop fighting for women to have control of their own vaginas! I want to be in control of women's vaginas, and why? Because I love America!"
Fox News contributor Ben Carson didn't let things stop there, stating, "There's one main reason to think the president doesn't love this fine country, and do you know what that is? He's trying to get everyone healthcare insurance. If you really loved this country, sir, you'd take healthcare away from everyone, drive up their debts, force many more into bankruptcy, increase the homeless population, and with that, increase the property value of cardboard boxes! That's what I'd sure as hell do! Why? Because I love America!"
Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney surprisingly stepped forward next, saying, "President Obama can't love America. If he truly loved America, he'd stop focusing on improving the lives of the bottom 99% of earners in this country, whom are pretty much worthless, and instead focus on the top 1% - those hard-working unemployed people such as myself! Wait, why am I up here? I thought I was running for president, but then I said I wasn't. What am I doing again? Eh, whatever. Oh, and I love America!"
Texas Senator Ted Cruz kept the momentum going, emphatically stating, "How can anyone seriously believe that President Obama loves this country? If he loved this country, he wouldn't have been elected, wouldn't have gotten his Obamacare passed, wouldn't have gotten elected again, and wouldn't have shut the government down because he wasn't willing to do away with his healthcare bill which got passed in the first place through a democratic process! What is this guy, a communist? Communists like him can't love America, but I sure as hell do, and I'm not afraid to say it! I love America!"
Wisconsin Congressman Paul Ryan followed Cruz, saying, "President Obama doesn't love America. That's a fact; it's science. If he really loved America, he'd stop trying to side with 97% of climate scientists on that whole climate change hoax - attempting to save the coasts, decrease the frequency of epic storms and extremes in temperature, and all of that other nonsense. There's only one legitimate science, Mr. President, and that's the Bible! Why do I say that? Because I, unlike you, love America!"
Former Texas Governor Rick Perry then got up to the podium, saying, "Ladies and gentlemen, there are three ways I can prove to you that President Obama doesn't love this great country, and those are: 1) Barack, 2) Hussein, and 3) Uh, what's that last one? I swear I just said it not too long ago. Uh... Oops... Well, anyway, I love America!"
Florida Senator Marco Rubio then chimed in, saying, "I know for a fact President Obama doesn't love this country! Why? Because he's never handed me a bottle of water while making a speech! Speaking of which... Oh, and before I go and chug a bottle or six, I love America!"
Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, a 2016 contender only in her mind, then closed the rally by saying, "You know, I've known for a long time that President Barack Hussein Obama doesn't love America. You know how I know this? Because the opposite of lover is hater, so if someone isn't your lover - if they're not fornicating with ya, they're hating on ya. I've never seen the president fornicate with this great country, so I think it's safe to say he's a hater of it. I'd sure as heck fornicate with this great nation, and ya'll know why? Because I love America! You betcha!"
To many's surprise, Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker, Kentucky Senator Rand Paul, and New Jersey Governor Chris Christie didn't attend the event. Rumor has it Governor Walker was attending a "How to only get grumpy old white men to vote" lecture, Senator Paul was attempting to plagiarize his presidential acceptance speech, and Governor Christie was auditioning for Marlon Brando's part in a Godfather remake.
Former Florida Governor Jeb Bush started the rally off by saying, "You know how you show you love America, Mr. President? You show you love America by lying about the pretenses of a war and getting thousands of our soldiers killed all because of oil and wanting to show your daddy up! I'd sure as hell do that, and do you know why? Because I love America, dammit!"
Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal followed Bush, saying, "If the president really loved America, he'd stop trying to make gays happy by letting those that have been together for 40 or 50 years get married! I wouldn't let that happen, and do you know why? Because I'm not gay and I love America!"
Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee kept things rolling, saying, "Do any of you really think that the president loves America? If he really loved America, he'd stop fighting for women to have control of their own vaginas! I want to be in control of women's vaginas, and why? Because I love America!"
Fox News contributor Ben Carson didn't let things stop there, stating, "There's one main reason to think the president doesn't love this fine country, and do you know what that is? He's trying to get everyone healthcare insurance. If you really loved this country, sir, you'd take healthcare away from everyone, drive up their debts, force many more into bankruptcy, increase the homeless population, and with that, increase the property value of cardboard boxes! That's what I'd sure as hell do! Why? Because I love America!"
Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney surprisingly stepped forward next, saying, "President Obama can't love America. If he truly loved America, he'd stop focusing on improving the lives of the bottom 99% of earners in this country, whom are pretty much worthless, and instead focus on the top 1% - those hard-working unemployed people such as myself! Wait, why am I up here? I thought I was running for president, but then I said I wasn't. What am I doing again? Eh, whatever. Oh, and I love America!"
Texas Senator Ted Cruz kept the momentum going, emphatically stating, "How can anyone seriously believe that President Obama loves this country? If he loved this country, he wouldn't have been elected, wouldn't have gotten his Obamacare passed, wouldn't have gotten elected again, and wouldn't have shut the government down because he wasn't willing to do away with his healthcare bill which got passed in the first place through a democratic process! What is this guy, a communist? Communists like him can't love America, but I sure as hell do, and I'm not afraid to say it! I love America!"
Wisconsin Congressman Paul Ryan followed Cruz, saying, "President Obama doesn't love America. That's a fact; it's science. If he really loved America, he'd stop trying to side with 97% of climate scientists on that whole climate change hoax - attempting to save the coasts, decrease the frequency of epic storms and extremes in temperature, and all of that other nonsense. There's only one legitimate science, Mr. President, and that's the Bible! Why do I say that? Because I, unlike you, love America!"
Former Texas Governor Rick Perry then got up to the podium, saying, "Ladies and gentlemen, there are three ways I can prove to you that President Obama doesn't love this great country, and those are: 1) Barack, 2) Hussein, and 3) Uh, what's that last one? I swear I just said it not too long ago. Uh... Oops... Well, anyway, I love America!"
Florida Senator Marco Rubio then chimed in, saying, "I know for a fact President Obama doesn't love this country! Why? Because he's never handed me a bottle of water while making a speech! Speaking of which... Oh, and before I go and chug a bottle or six, I love America!"
Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, a 2016 contender only in her mind, then closed the rally by saying, "You know, I've known for a long time that President Barack Hussein Obama doesn't love America. You know how I know this? Because the opposite of lover is hater, so if someone isn't your lover - if they're not fornicating with ya, they're hating on ya. I've never seen the president fornicate with this great country, so I think it's safe to say he's a hater of it. I'd sure as heck fornicate with this great nation, and ya'll know why? Because I love America! You betcha!"
To many's surprise, Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker, Kentucky Senator Rand Paul, and New Jersey Governor Chris Christie didn't attend the event. Rumor has it Governor Walker was attending a "How to only get grumpy old white men to vote" lecture, Senator Paul was attempting to plagiarize his presidential acceptance speech, and Governor Christie was auditioning for Marlon Brando's part in a Godfather remake.
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