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America breaks up with Rudy Giuliani

Following former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani's controversial comments with regard to President Obama not loving America, America has officially responded by writing this op-ed in the USA Today:

"Dear Rudy,

I'm not going to beat around the bush here (no, not even Jeb); I think we should break up. I just don't love you anymore and I now have to wonder if I was ever really that into you in the first place. It's not me; it's you. Sure, we had our good moments. I'll never forget the time when we played strip poker with your cousin, I mean ex-wife. Then there was that other time we tried to make up diseases which rhymed with Giuliani. 'Tooliani' is still probably my favorite. Oh, and do you remember when you bet me that you could utter '9/11' at least once in every answer you gave the media during a press conference, and this was 7 years after the attack? Yes, you may have won the bet that day, but you lost me in the long run. It's felt as though you just took me for granted and used me for my good name to try and advance your career. Well, I'm not going to put up with it anymore. We're through, Rudy. You may think the president doesn't love me, but the fact of the matter is I no longer love you. Goodbye, Tooliani.

Sincerely,

America"

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