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"Fifty Shades of Suck" heads to the theaters!

As long-time readers likely know by now, I'm not a fan of the Fifty Shades of Grey series. Not only do I find the quality of writing to be at about a high school of a C-student (that may be too generous), but the actual content of the writing I feel is degrading to women on multiple fronts. As studies have shown, the Fifty Shades of Grey series does a very poor job of depicting a consensual BDSM relationship. What it does do is depict an abusive relationship. Yes, there is a stark difference between the two and as many consenting BDSM partners have adamantly declared, it's appeared as though author E.L. James is unaware of that very difference.

Given all this, it seems pretty safe to say I was thrilled to hear that the series was going to be hitting the big-screen, the first of which will be opening this Valentine's Day weekend! I know, what spells romance more than an abusive and controlling man? If I were a woman, I'd, as E.L. James may put it, bite my lip, raise my eyebrows, and say, "Oh my" just at the thought. Then again, given the true history of Valentine's Day, perhaps an abusive relationship is more in line with the holiday's actual roots (Saint Valentine's Day massacre) than flowers, chocolates, and Hallmark cards which prompt people to utter the words "Oh my," but in a different way than Anastasia Steele.

For as awful as the writing is in these books, while I always begrudgingly expected the film to do well at the box office (and unfortunately still do), I was optimistic that critics wouldn't think too highly of it and would provide some amusing headlines for their reviews. Well, many of the reviews are in, and while I expected just 25-30% of critics to like it, that number is currently at 33%, but seeming to trend downward (it was at 55% yesterday). With 90 of the reviews in, 60 have given rotten reviews.

Here are some of the more amusing and/or powerful review headlines thus far:

- "I expected a lot of things from 'Fifty Shades of Grey,' but I didn't expect to be bored." - Maren Longbella (St. Paul Pioneer)

- "Lacks any of the raunch or controversy promised, and is instead tiresome, banal and as thinly plotted as a porno." - Greg Wakeman (CinemaBlend.com)

- "A limp bore." - Mara Reinstein (US Weekly)

- "The fine line between abuse and pleasure is so thin it's almost non-existent. Here is a Valentine's Day movie that will certainly make bank, but you aren't helping yourself or anyone else by seeing it." - Justin Craig (FoxNews.com)

- "The film's intense commitment to being dull makes you long for sparkly vampires or werewolves." - Devin Faraci (Badass Digest)

- "Obsessed with money, willfully wrongheaded about sex and crippled by its own construction, Fifty Shades of Grey is too many kinds of awful to work as anything but accidental sociology: We get the smut we deserve" - James Rocchi (About.com)

- "It looks and feels like a sequel to Twilight, with deadly dull talk about S&M replacing endless consternation over turning into one of the undead." - Robert Levin (amNewYork)

- "Sitting through the turgid and tedious S&M melodrama that is Fifty Shades of Grey may feel like its own form of torture." - Claudia Puig (USA Today)

- "'Fifty Shades of Grey' might not be a good movie - O.K., it's a terrible movie - but it might nonetheless be a movie that feels good to see, whether you squirm or giggle or roll your eyes or just sit still and take your punishment." - A.O. Scott (New York Times)

- "I'm shocked - shocked, do you hear me?!? - that the film version of E.L. James' Fifty Shades of Grey is such a dull, decorous affair, about as erotic as an ad for Pottery Barn. Strictly intended for gluttons for punishment - by boredom." - Peter Travers (Rolling Stone)

- "Creating a genteel R-rated film from a very X-rated book is like making a Mamma Mia! movie without the songs." - Richard Corless (Time Magazine)

- "Despite the endless sex, a highly unsatisfying encounter. Cold as a fish and almost as dumb." - Rafer Guzman (Newsday)

- "Easily amongst the seven or eight best Hollywood productions ever made about a woman contemplating whether or not to sign a dominant/submissive contract." - Matt Singer (ScreenCrush)

- "What's important is that the novel began life as Twilight fan fiction. That tells you everything you need to know." - Daniel M. Kimmel (New England Movies Weekly)

- "For a movie where people are naked for a large chunk of time and play at bondage and dominance (without ever really seeming all that committed to it), it sure is boring." - Bill Goodykoontz (Arizona Republic)

- "'Fifty Shades of Grey' should be fun and frisky and, most of all, hot. Instead, it is a reserved, sanitized, overinflated downer, as sterile as Christian's sleek luxury penthouse." - Dustin Putman (TheFilmFile.com)

- "If this were a parody of romance, the film might be considered valid; but somehow the cast and crew appear to treat the venture as realistic." - Harvey S. Karten (Compuserve)

- "Maybe the smoulderingly sado-obsessed hero does not have a penis. It could account for his tastes. And his decor." - Peter Bradshaw (Guardian)

- "Maybe in future installments there will even be something that resembles a plot. For now, the entire movie is about as sexy as a root canal." - Rex Reed (New York Observer)

- "An unashamed and genially preposterous fairy tale, a kind of 'Cinderella' with restraints, '50 Shades' is about as believable as 'Jack and the Beanstalk,' albeit considerably more kinky in intent." - Kenneth Turan (Los Angeles Times)

- "In the end, there's nothing here we haven't seen before. But there's also nothing as agonizingly awkward as James' prose." - Stephanie Merry (Washington Post)

- "A flaccid S and M movie that's more infuriating than titillating? Happy Valentine's Day." - Joanna Langfield (The Movie Minute)

- "'Fifty Shades of Grey' doesn't entertainingly cross the line of good taste so much as trip and fall on it." - Colin Covert (Minneapolis Star Tribune)

- "The sex scenes are the best bit because the story is so abjectly terrible." - Leonie Hayden (Flicks.co.nz)

- "As exciting as a  rectal exam." - Bill Gibson (Film Racket)

Perhaps the most amusing observation of all was that so many of these critics, even the ones whom despised the film, seemed to agree that the writing was better in the movie than in the book. When's the last time you heard that? I can't remember a time, personally. There have been times I've heard someone say, "The movie was almost as good as the book" or even, "The movie is just as good as the book," but not until now have I ever heard someone say, "Wow, the movie is so much better than the book, especially the writing!" That'd be like me saying, "The visual imagery is so much better in the book than in the movie, even though there aren't any pictures in it, well, besides the author on the back cover!" Yes, that's how bad these books are...

Ending on a serious note, as much as I and others want to poke fun at the inferior quality of the Fifty Shades books, abuse itself is never something to joke around about. So, on this Valentine's Day, and in the days, weeks, and holidays to come, let's not provide money to those attempting to glamorize abuse; let's instead provide money to those attempting to help those whom have suffered from abuse. If you're interesting in donating money to women's shelters or perhaps want to spread word about it to others you feel may be interested, go to the following link and try to make a difference: http://www.joyfulheartfoundation.org

http://articles.latimes.com/2013/aug/15/news/la-ol-fifty-shades-of-grey-sexual-abuse-20130815

http://msutoday.msu.edu/news/2015/fifty-shades-research-hits-big-in-2014/

http://www.dailyillini.com/opinion/columns/article_2c185574-b240-11e4-a97f-f77deff97121.html

http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/fifty_shades_of_grey/

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