A Tale of Two Debates CNN-style

While Fox News hosted the first Republican debate this primary season, CNN has hosted the past two debates, one for both the Republican and Democratic parties. Their Republican debate was mostly moderated by Jake Tapper and the Democratic debate was moderated by Anderson Cooper. Jake Tapper seemed to treat the former of the two debates like a hybrid of a reality television show and a TMZ special. The vaguer and more intense the responses from Republican candidates Tapper got, the more likely he was to get excited and return the favor by asking another series of general yet insensitive questions, hoping to spark a fist-fight. Anderson Cooper, meanwhile, treated the latter of the two debates like a hybrid of an actual debate and a conspiracy forum. At times he'd ask ridiculous questions which seemed to derive from a right-wing conspiracy-oriented website, yet he'd consistently ask each candidate for specifics, and when he wasn't satisfied with a response, he wasn't coy to come back with a follow-up question. Considering the fact the two debates were hosted by the same cable-news channel, it was a tad surreal to observe how drastically different they were. Here's an exaggerated version of the stark contrasts between the two CNN debates:

Anderson Cooper: "What specific gun-control measures would you be willing to pass if you were elected president?"

Jake Tapper: "Tell me a story about your favorite gun and what was its name?"

Anderson Cooper: "If you were president, how would you go about the situation in Syria?"

Jake Tapper: "What's the name of a Middle Eastern country that rhymes with 'ear-ee'uh'?"

Anderson Cooper: "Do you consider yourselves to be capitalists or socialists?"

Jake Tapper: "Ms. Fiorina, Donald Trump said you were ugly. Your thoughts?"

Anderson Cooper: "Do Black Lives Matter or do All Lives Matter?"

Jake Tapper: "Do Black Lives Matter? Nevermind... What's the color of your favorite crayon?"

Anderson Cooper: "Wait, that's specific, but not specific enough. Draw us a picture."

Jake Tapper: "Was that your whole response? That you'd defeat ISIS because you get things done, are smart, and would hire smart people? Good enough."

Yes, the debates were THAT different. Also, while I didn't care for a few of Anderson Cooper's questions during the Democratic debate, I felt he was a far superior moderator than Jake Tapper. Given the Republican candidates' lack of substance thus far in the debates and Cooper's desire for specifics, here's how I imagine things would play out if the two parties were to butt heads at some point during election season: 

Anderson Cooper: "Mr. Trump, you've been on record as saying you want to repeal and replace Obamacare. What would you do with your replacement of the Affordable Care Act to ensure people have access to healthcare?"

Donald Trump: "I would make it bigger and better than ever!"

Cooper: "But specifically, Mr. Trump, how would you do this?"

Trump: "Because I'm the best!"

Cooper: "No, what I mean is, what about your healthcare law would ensure people have access to health insurance?"

Trump: "Look, when I'm president, I'm gonna make health insurance great, because that's what I am and that's what I do; I get things done!"

Cooper: "But... Nevermind. Ms. Fiorina, at the previous CNN debate, you adamantly spoke out against Planned Parenthood, but then made a statement about the organization which has since been debunked. Would you care to talk about that at all?"

Carly Fiorina: "What I said about Planned Parenthood may not have been 100% true, but it could happen, and that's the really important thing."

Cooper: "But it hasn't, so why would you make such a statement if it didn't happen?"

Fiorina: "But it could..."

Cooper: "But it hasn't. So, I mean..."

Fiorina: "But it could!"

Cooper: :: sighs :: "Okay, next... Mr. Carson, you've made some rather controversial statements regarding gun violence. You said, and I quote, 'As a Doctor, I spent many a night pulling bullets out of bodies. There is no doubt that this senseless violence is breathtaking – but I never saw a body with bullet holes that was more devastating than taking the right to arm ourselves away.' Don't you think that's a bit extreme? Would expanding background checks for firearm purchases really be more devastating than looking at the bodies of the nine victims in the Roseburg, Oregon mass shooting?"

Ben Carson: "Yes, because guns, 2nd Amendment, law-abiding citizens..."

Cooper: "Alright, but if we expand background checks, law-abiding citizens would still be able to purchase firearms, correct?"

Carson: "I was held up at a Popeyes one time and I..."

Cooper: "Please stop... Mr. Bush, at our last debate, you contended that this country was safer with your older brother, George W., as president than we have been under President Obama. What makes you say that and what would you do as president to make this country even safer?"

Jeb Bush: "Just look at places like Syria, Iran, Russia, North Korea, Iraq, Afghanistan... These are dangerous places, with horrifying situations, ones we need to get control of so we aren't attacked in the future."

Cooper: "Okay, but you said in the future, how was it that things were safer for us under your brother's leadership than President Obama's?"

Bush: "Look what he did after 9/11! Look how safe we were!"

Cooper: "Wasn't he the president on 9/11?"

Bush: "Well, yeah, but..."

Cooper: "Have we experienced any such attacks with President Obama in the Oval Office?"

Bush: "Not that we know of..."

Cooper: "Don't you think we would've known about such an event if it were to take place?"

Bush: "I don't know... But, anyway, look at Iraq and how unstable things are there!"

Cooper: "Didn't we invade that country under false pretenses with your brother as president?"

Bush: "Well, I don't know about that false bit, but yeah, he was president at the time."

Cooper: "Sooo..."

Bush: "So what?"

Cooper: "So, forget it... Mr. Huckabee, you've been a loud supporter of Kentucky county clerk Kim Davis and other like-minded individuals whom feel it should be their right to deny service to a gay or lesbian couple. I came out of the closet a little while back. I admit I'm no saint, but think I'm a decent enough person. Are you telling me you feel Christians should be able to legally discriminate against my partner and I because of their religious beliefs?"

Mike Huckabee: "It's not discrimination; it's freedom."

Cooper: "Freedom for who exactly? As a gay man, I can't legally deny you service because of your religious beliefs, so isn't that a bit of a double-standard?"

Huckabee: "No, not at all. It says in the Bible..."

Cooper: "But our country is run by law, not the Bible. Do you believe in the Constitution?"

Huckabee: "Of course, but I also believe in God and God's word trumps the law."

Cooper: "So you believe in the Constitution, want to abide by it, yet not 100% because you don't believe it fully coincides with Biblical teachings?"

Huckabee: "Yes"

Cooper: "...and how does that make sense?"

Huckabee: "It just does"

Cooper: "It just...? Oh, screw it. I'm sorry, but we're going to have to end this debate early tonight. I've got a throbbing headache, am thinking I need a large bottle of Grey Goose, and need to pray to somebody that none of you ever get elected president!

http://www.bustle.com/articles/115348-5-ridiculous-ben-carson-quotes-that-show-his-gun-control-comments-shouldnt-be-so-surprising