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Trump, Carson, and Fiorina suffered great confusion, migraines, & panic attacks hearing substantive debate answers

According to reports, while watching CNN's Democratic debate last night, GOP front-runners Donald Trump, Ben Carson, and Carly Fiorina suffered from great confusion, migraine headaches, and panic attacks while hearing substantive answers from the Democratic candidates. When I got a hold of witnesses by phone, here's what they told me:

Donald Trump's witness
- "He started this drinking game where, every time he didn't understand a word that was spoken, he'd have to yell out, 'Loser!,' and take a shot of Bacardi. I've never heard the guy utter that word so much in my life!"

Ben Carson's witness
- "He started rubbing his head two minutes into the debate, mumbling, 'Why do they have to talk and know so much? At least I know brain surgery, know Jesus, and know Jesus didn't need no brain surgery!' He then started rocking back and forth and quietly sung Queen songs. I'll never forget how he half sung-half mumbled 'We Will Rock You/We Are the Champions.'"

Carly Fiorina's witness
- "Whenever one of the candidates uttered numbers from a study or something, Carly's eyes got wider than a child's at Christmas, she reached for this paper bag next to her, and started breathing into it for a few seconds, before doing it again a couple minutes later. Then, when I finally went over to comfort her, I started gently stroking her hair, whispering 'Planned Parenthood sucks; unborn babies should be in the census,' and this calmed her down to the point where she started snoring, drooling, and saying things like: 'It's my party and I'll lie if I want to,' 'I want to play Marco Polo with Marco Rubio,' and 'I want to punch Trump in the taint.'"

To this point, only Donald Trump has responded to these reports, saying, "Loser!"

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