Here's my exaggerated rendition of last night's CNBC Republican debate:
John Harwood: "As they ask you in job interviews and without saying things like, 'I'm too hard of a worker,' what's your biggest weakness?"
John Kasich: "Let me go into my closing statement first. I'm better than all these other people on the stage tonight. I've gotten things done in Ohio; gotten things done in Washington; and gotten things done in my own home on occasion, namely, my wife. So if you want someone that regularly gets things done both in and out of the house, I'm your guy! If you don't want that, then choose one of these other wackadoodles."
Rand Paul: "My biggest weakness is that I love the Constitution so much, I sometimes hand-feed it chocolates by a burning fire on a cold winter's night, before reading it French poetry in English."
Carly Fiorina: "Whatever Donald Trump says it is. How about it Donald? You up for it? Round 2? Let's do this!"
Chris Christie: "My balls are too big."
Mike Huckabee: "Praying so much for the health and well-being of this good Christian nation that I fall asleep."
Ted Cruz: "Being my best friends' biggest enemy and not giving one flying crap about it, let alone two!"
Jeb Bush: "I smoked pot once in college."
Marco Rubio: "Nothing that I can think of. Hold on a moment while I chug these six water bottles."
Ben Carson: "Um..."
Donald Trump: "My biggest weakness is that I have a cheap father, who only loaned me a small sum of $1 million when first getting started in my global domination of the world."
Harwood: "Okay, Mr. Trump, given your plan to deport millions of immigrants and to substantially cut taxes, how will you decrease the deficit as you say you will do?"
Trump: "Look, some guy you and I both know agrees with me. Ask him."
Harwood; "Can you not answer my question?"
Trump: "You see this?" :: points down :: "Suck it!"
Harwood: "No thank you. Governor Kasich, you recently criticized the Republican Party, asking what happened to it. Would you care to elaborate on what you meant by that?"
Kasich: "Listen to these people's loony bin-worthy ideas, John! I mean, ending Medicaid, ending Medicare, ending Social Security, teleporting 11 million people to the Planet Xenu or whatever, not to mention driving down deficits while making insane tax cuts and not decreasing spending a whole lot? What world do these people live in? Are they mental? Was the classic film One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest actually foreshadowing their lives? When will they wake up in the real world with some actual sensible thoughts and ideas? Jesus H. Christ...have mercy on them!"
Harwood: "Mr. Trump and Mr. Carson, would you care to respond? Mr. Carson, we'll start with you..."
Carson: "No comment"
Harwood: "Okay... Mr. Trump, do you have any response to Governor Kasich's comments?"
Trump: "Hey yo, John. You're a loser, okay? What are you at, like, 1%? I mean, come on. I eat losers like you for breakfast. In fact, tomorrow, I plan on pouring milk in a bowl and eating some Frosted Kasichs cereal. They're... Oh, that's right, they're not so great! They suck, just like you!"
Harwood: "Governor Kasich, would you care to respond to that?"
Kasich: "This is what I'm talking about! Did you just hear that? This man is crazy and should not be running our country! He should stick to television, reality television in particular, because ironically enough, it's not real, which is a perfect fit for his deluded mind!"
Harwood: "Senator Rubio, you've been recently criticized for not casting your votes in the senate. Would you care to comment about that?"
Rubio: "This is just like you liberals in the media on conservative business networks! I'm doing my job just as well right now as you are doing yours!"
Harwood: "That wasn't the question. The question was with regard to your job as a U.S. Senator..."
Rubio: "What is this, some kind of a liberal media trick?"
Harwood: "No, it's a simple question."
Rubio: "Yeah, it's a trick. Fitting, since this is almost Halloween and all. You know who I would dress up as if I had a choice? Ronald Reagan, because he always knew what to do; he always knew what was right; and he was the greatest president of the greatest country in the history of the galaxy - the United States of America!"
Harwood: "That's not what I was asking. I was asking... Nevermind... Senator Paul, are you still here?"
Paul: "Yes, I am. What's your question?"
Harwood: "That was it; I was just checking. Ms. Fiorina, what do you feel we should do as far as Social Security and minimum wage is concerned?"
Fiorina: "John, the federal government is simply involved in too much. The federal government should not be involved in anything, unless it concerns marriage or a woman's vagina."
Harwood: "Governor Huckabee, you've been on record as stating that this country has a serious problem with income inequality. How do you feel we can improve that?"
Huckabee: "Let's focus our attention elsewhere, shall we? We need to repeal Obamacare; we need to defund Planned Parenthood; we need to defund ACORN again; and we need to defend Christians' rights of discriminating against queers without being labeled as homophobes!"
Harwood: "Okay, segueing from that, Mr. Carson, you've received criticism previously for your stance on gay marriage. How would you like to respond to that criticism?"
Carson: "Uh..."
Harwood: "I'm sorry, but I couldn't hear what you said. Could you please repeat yourself?"
:: silence ::
Harwood: "Very well... Senator Cruz, how do you feel about the new budget deal and do you think it's good enough to hold off another shutdown?"
Cruz: "I've about had it with these questions! This is the problem with the liberal media! I mean, look at yourselves! You ask Marco Rubio if he likes Taco Bell; you ask Donald Trump whether or not his hair is real; you ask Chris Christie if he was a sumo wrestler in a past life; you even ask Mike Huckabee if he was going to bang Kim Davis somewhere down the line! Where's the questions of substance? That's what the people want, not the substantive crap you've bestowed before us!"
Harwood: "I just asked you a question of substance..."
Cruz: "What was it again?"
Harwood: "I'm sorry, but your time is up..."
Cruz: "Are you going to let me answer the question or not? Huh?"
Harwood: "I asked you the question and gave you time, but you used that time to talk about something else, so now let someone else have a turn."
Cruz: "Wh-wh-whaaa!"
Harwood: "Governor Bush, there has been some controversy with regard to daily fantasy sports leagues. Do you feel government should investigate the matter and potentially regulate such leagues?"
Bush: "I've got a fantasy football team myself. Ryan Tannehill is my quarterback, Gronkowski is my tight end, Supergirl is my... Wait, where was I?"
Harwood: "I was asking whether or not you felt these daily fantasy sports leagues should undergo some form of government regulation."
Christie: "Are you flipping kidding me?"
Harwood: "Okay, Governor Christie, what are your thoughts on the matter?"
Christie: "Who gives a flying frack, John? Look, when I was in the mob, well, a couple days ago, I saw crap happen that was a whole lot more terrifying than fantasy sports! The people don't care! So shut-up about it already! You got me?!?"
Harwood: "On that note, I think it's time for us to wrap things up. Thanks to all our CNBC contributors, our viewing audience, and of course, the ten Republican candidates on stage right now. Good night, good luck, and thank God I'm wearing a bulletproof vest right now!"
John Harwood: "As they ask you in job interviews and without saying things like, 'I'm too hard of a worker,' what's your biggest weakness?"
John Kasich: "Let me go into my closing statement first. I'm better than all these other people on the stage tonight. I've gotten things done in Ohio; gotten things done in Washington; and gotten things done in my own home on occasion, namely, my wife. So if you want someone that regularly gets things done both in and out of the house, I'm your guy! If you don't want that, then choose one of these other wackadoodles."
Rand Paul: "My biggest weakness is that I love the Constitution so much, I sometimes hand-feed it chocolates by a burning fire on a cold winter's night, before reading it French poetry in English."
Carly Fiorina: "Whatever Donald Trump says it is. How about it Donald? You up for it? Round 2? Let's do this!"
Chris Christie: "My balls are too big."
Mike Huckabee: "Praying so much for the health and well-being of this good Christian nation that I fall asleep."
Ted Cruz: "Being my best friends' biggest enemy and not giving one flying crap about it, let alone two!"
Jeb Bush: "I smoked pot once in college."
Marco Rubio: "Nothing that I can think of. Hold on a moment while I chug these six water bottles."
Ben Carson: "Um..."
Donald Trump: "My biggest weakness is that I have a cheap father, who only loaned me a small sum of $1 million when first getting started in my global domination of the world."
Harwood: "Okay, Mr. Trump, given your plan to deport millions of immigrants and to substantially cut taxes, how will you decrease the deficit as you say you will do?"
Trump: "Look, some guy you and I both know agrees with me. Ask him."
Harwood; "Can you not answer my question?"
Trump: "You see this?" :: points down :: "Suck it!"
Harwood: "No thank you. Governor Kasich, you recently criticized the Republican Party, asking what happened to it. Would you care to elaborate on what you meant by that?"
Kasich: "Listen to these people's loony bin-worthy ideas, John! I mean, ending Medicaid, ending Medicare, ending Social Security, teleporting 11 million people to the Planet Xenu or whatever, not to mention driving down deficits while making insane tax cuts and not decreasing spending a whole lot? What world do these people live in? Are they mental? Was the classic film One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest actually foreshadowing their lives? When will they wake up in the real world with some actual sensible thoughts and ideas? Jesus H. Christ...have mercy on them!"
Harwood: "Mr. Trump and Mr. Carson, would you care to respond? Mr. Carson, we'll start with you..."
Carson: "No comment"
Harwood: "Okay... Mr. Trump, do you have any response to Governor Kasich's comments?"
Trump: "Hey yo, John. You're a loser, okay? What are you at, like, 1%? I mean, come on. I eat losers like you for breakfast. In fact, tomorrow, I plan on pouring milk in a bowl and eating some Frosted Kasichs cereal. They're... Oh, that's right, they're not so great! They suck, just like you!"
Harwood: "Governor Kasich, would you care to respond to that?"
Kasich: "This is what I'm talking about! Did you just hear that? This man is crazy and should not be running our country! He should stick to television, reality television in particular, because ironically enough, it's not real, which is a perfect fit for his deluded mind!"
Harwood: "Senator Rubio, you've been recently criticized for not casting your votes in the senate. Would you care to comment about that?"
Rubio: "This is just like you liberals in the media on conservative business networks! I'm doing my job just as well right now as you are doing yours!"
Harwood: "That wasn't the question. The question was with regard to your job as a U.S. Senator..."
Rubio: "What is this, some kind of a liberal media trick?"
Harwood: "No, it's a simple question."
Rubio: "Yeah, it's a trick. Fitting, since this is almost Halloween and all. You know who I would dress up as if I had a choice? Ronald Reagan, because he always knew what to do; he always knew what was right; and he was the greatest president of the greatest country in the history of the galaxy - the United States of America!"
Harwood: "That's not what I was asking. I was asking... Nevermind... Senator Paul, are you still here?"
Paul: "Yes, I am. What's your question?"
Harwood: "That was it; I was just checking. Ms. Fiorina, what do you feel we should do as far as Social Security and minimum wage is concerned?"
Fiorina: "John, the federal government is simply involved in too much. The federal government should not be involved in anything, unless it concerns marriage or a woman's vagina."
Harwood: "Governor Huckabee, you've been on record as stating that this country has a serious problem with income inequality. How do you feel we can improve that?"
Huckabee: "Let's focus our attention elsewhere, shall we? We need to repeal Obamacare; we need to defund Planned Parenthood; we need to defund ACORN again; and we need to defend Christians' rights of discriminating against queers without being labeled as homophobes!"
Harwood: "Okay, segueing from that, Mr. Carson, you've received criticism previously for your stance on gay marriage. How would you like to respond to that criticism?"
Carson: "Uh..."
Harwood: "I'm sorry, but I couldn't hear what you said. Could you please repeat yourself?"
:: silence ::
Harwood: "Very well... Senator Cruz, how do you feel about the new budget deal and do you think it's good enough to hold off another shutdown?"
Cruz: "I've about had it with these questions! This is the problem with the liberal media! I mean, look at yourselves! You ask Marco Rubio if he likes Taco Bell; you ask Donald Trump whether or not his hair is real; you ask Chris Christie if he was a sumo wrestler in a past life; you even ask Mike Huckabee if he was going to bang Kim Davis somewhere down the line! Where's the questions of substance? That's what the people want, not the substantive crap you've bestowed before us!"
Harwood: "I just asked you a question of substance..."
Cruz: "What was it again?"
Harwood: "I'm sorry, but your time is up..."
Cruz: "Are you going to let me answer the question or not? Huh?"
Harwood: "I asked you the question and gave you time, but you used that time to talk about something else, so now let someone else have a turn."
Cruz: "Wh-wh-whaaa!"
Harwood: "Governor Bush, there has been some controversy with regard to daily fantasy sports leagues. Do you feel government should investigate the matter and potentially regulate such leagues?"
Bush: "I've got a fantasy football team myself. Ryan Tannehill is my quarterback, Gronkowski is my tight end, Supergirl is my... Wait, where was I?"
Harwood: "I was asking whether or not you felt these daily fantasy sports leagues should undergo some form of government regulation."
Christie: "Are you flipping kidding me?"
Harwood: "Okay, Governor Christie, what are your thoughts on the matter?"
Christie: "Who gives a flying frack, John? Look, when I was in the mob, well, a couple days ago, I saw crap happen that was a whole lot more terrifying than fantasy sports! The people don't care! So shut-up about it already! You got me?!?"
Harwood: "On that note, I think it's time for us to wrap things up. Thanks to all our CNBC contributors, our viewing audience, and of course, the ten Republican candidates on stage right now. Good night, good luck, and thank God I'm wearing a bulletproof vest right now!"
This had me rolling! Summary accurate! Interpretation dead on correct! Thanks for the funnies!
ReplyDeleteLorie Flatley (big fan)
Thanks for all the kind words! If you ever mention me or my work in your English class, be sure to let me know! :)
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