Transcript for Podcast: "I Feel Snitty," Episode 110: "A New Year With Hopes, Dopes, and Dopes’ Hopes: Part Duh" is now available!

Podcast: I Feel Snitty

Episode 110: A New Year With Hopes, Dopes, and Dopes’ Hopes: Part Duh

Premiere Date: 12/31/20

Length: 3:35 (534 words)

Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/a-new-year-with-hopes-dopes-and-dopes-hopes-part-duh/

Transcript: 

 

Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 110, entitled, “A New Year With Hopes, Dopes, and Dopes’ Hopes: Part Duh.” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki.

 

Well, this is it. It’s finally here. The year from hell – 2020 – is finally over. Given that, I thought I’d end the year by doing what I did last year at this time, and predict resolutions for several GOPers, along with a curveball or two.

 

Donald Trump’s Lawyers: To bribe Judge Smails by saying, in reference to the election, “Don’t count that one; winter rules.”

 

Vladimir Putin: To hire Donald Trump as his new “coffee-boy.”

 

Tommy Tuberville: To, in addition to the Senate, House, and executive, introduce a 4^th branch of government – “the governor guys.”

 

Ted Cruz: To change his last name to Sunken Cruise Ship so he can become even more widely disliked.

 

Rand Paul: To have his name added to Pepto Bismol commercials due to him being a  major pain in the ass.

 

Donald Trump, Jr.: To shed a few pounds by only snorting lines of Diet Coke.

 

Kimberly Guilfoyle: To give at least one eulogy at a COVID-victim’s funeral and ending it with the words, “The best is yet to come!”

 

Marco Rubio: To find and post a Bible verse which says, “Again I tell you, it is easier for someone who is rich to go through the eye of a needle than for a camel to enter the kingdom of God.”

 

Kirstie Alley: To star in the film, Look Who’s Tweeting Bullshit.

 

Kayleigh McEnany: To author the book, Fifty Lies of Grey Shades.

 

QAnon: To register as Democrats just to prove that some Democrats are Satan-worshipping elites who run a child sex ring.

 

Dr. Fauci: To become even more proactive on fighting COVID by starting an ad campaign where he always closes with, “Don’t be an ass. Wear a fucking mask. Trust me; I’m a doctor. …and that’s not meant sarcastically. I’m an actual doctor. I went to medical school. If you did as well, good for you. You know what I’m talking about. If you didn’t, STFU, bigly.”

 

Mitch McConnell: To start the trend, “Resting Mitch Face.”

 

Dr. Birx: To make scarves sexy again. Check that, to make scarves sexy.

 

Donald Trump: To spend the rest of his Russian money on Monopoly get-out-of-jail-free cards to keep him out of prison, because, you know, he’s a genius businessman.

 

Parler: To only censor the correct spelling of the word “parlor.”

 

Anti-Maskers: To drink stolen moonshine while driving a golf cart down the interstate, without a seatbelt, naked, because “freedom.”

 

Operation Warp Speed: To dim expectations by renaming itself Operation Rush-Hour Speed.

 

Every Country Not Named Saudi Arabia, China, North Korea or Russia: To build a big, beautiful wall to keep Donald Trump out and make him pay for it.

 

Herman Cain: To become known as Black Jesus, for he sacrificed himself for the stupidity of those at a super-spreader event, and hopes to rise again in 3 years.

 

That’s it for today’s episode. I’ll see you again next week. Until then, you can check me out on PodBean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogger. This has been I Feel Snitty with Craig Rozniecki. Take care and Happy New Year.