The Kind-Hearted Smart Aleck

The Republican Party is at it again. Like they did with President Obama's "you-didn't-build-that" line, they're taking a Hillary Clinton quote so far out of context, the surrounding context has officially been reported as missing. If anyone finds the surrounding context, be certain to call Fox News with the information pronto. On January 23rd at the Benghazi hearing, Clinton answered a question with the following: "With all due respect, the fact is we had four dead Americans. Was it because of a protest? Or was it because of guys out for a walk one night who decided they'd go kill some Americans? What difference, at this point, does it make?" Fox News host and well-known Irish phone sex operator Bill O'Reilly, responded with this: "With all due respect, it makes a huge difference!" Sean Hannity joined the fun, by saying, "She appeared to indicate that it doesn't matter who was behind the attack." Yes, Clinton's...

I've long been wondering, especially following the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting, what the NRA-types are talking about exactly. It often times appears as if they have conversations with themselves, because when they come forward to make a point in order to counter gun control advocates, the gun control advocates will then scratch their heads and ponder, "Wait... I never said that." Just today on Facebook, someone I know posted a picture of Willy Wonka saying, "Oh, if guns were illegal, no one would have one? Please tell me more about how nobody can buy drugs." The poster added the comment, "Willy (Wonka) makes a good point." No he doesn't. If "Willy" was specific and said, "Oh, if assault rifles were illegal, no one would have one? Please tell me more about how nobody can buy heroin.," then it may have made some sense. However, "Willy" didn't go that route. He used the more general terms "guns...

Upon first reading that Missouri Republican state Senator Dan Brown proposed legislation that would require 1st  graders to take a gun education class, which was designed by the National Rifle Association, to say I was shocked beyond all belief would have been like to say Siberia is cold in the winter. I have to imagine a large majority of people were thinking and feeling the thing upon seeing the headline. After reading the article in its entirety though, while I'm definitely not going to fully endorse Brown's legislation, I'm also not going to be highly critical of it either. I'll have to wait until more detailed information is released on the proposed bill. You see, as I'm sure most people thought the same thing upon seeing a headline which included the words "1st graders," "gun class," and "NRA," I thought Mr. Brown was proposing the insane idea of teaching 1st grade kids how to shoot guns. How could I think such a thing? Have y...

Let's be honest - Jesus loved guns. For in the book of NotActually, chapter 6, verses 66-68, Jesus said: "Only pussies turn the other cheek. I say shoot those no good motherf***ers down, yo. Amen." I only say this because this past Monday, the Arkansas state Senate passed a bill which will allow people to carry concealed guns in churches. The bill is called the Church Protection Act of 2013 (SB-71) and passed by a very convincing 28-4 margin. It'll need to pass the state House of Representatives and be signed by Governor Mike Beebe to become law. Part of the bill reads as follows: "It is found and determined by the General Assembly of the State of Arkansas that personal security is increasingly important; that the Second Amendment of the Constitution of the United States ensures a person's right to bear arms; and that this act is immediately necessary because a person should be allowed to carry a firearm in a church that permits the carrying of a fi...

On MSNBC recently, the following back-and-forth occurred between MSNBC's Chuck Todd and Republican United States Senator Lamar Alexander (representing the state of Tennessee): Todd: "Can you envision a way of supporting the universal background checks bill?" Alexander: "Chuck, I'm going to wait and see on all of these bills. I think video games is [sic] a bigger problem than guns, because video games affect people. But the First Amendment limits what we can do about video games and the Second Amendment to the Constitution limits what we can do about guns." Video games "affect" people and guns don't? Say that again? Right, because during the shooting sprees in Newtown, Connecticut and elsewhere, nobody was "affected" by the innocent lives that were lost due to gun violence. Perhaps deep down, these parents, teachers, and children were just in denial about what really "affected" them - not their children, students, and c...

I for one love research, love studies; I just love learning. However, every now and again, a study comes along where I feel the need to cry out the word "why?" A recently released Czech study is one such case. About three weeks ago, a Czech study revealed the following finding - men with brown eyes are viewed as more trustworthy than those with blue eyes. Yes, this was the lone finding. The study's researcher - Karel Kleisner - had this to say with regard to the findings (well, finding - it's singular): "Eye color is something superficial, and nobody would expect there is a deeper association with the structure of the bones. We were a little bit surprised." I guess my question is, what about people with green eyes, black eyes, hazel eyes, etc.? Why was the study focused on just blue and brown eyes? Congratulations - we now know that people with brown eyes are more trusted (for whatever reason) than those with blue eyes. We still don't know how they...

I have a feeling my upcoming birthday is going to be quite the strange one. It's almost exactly one month away (February 28th). I was really excited about it a couple weeks ago. I had just discovered that one of my favorite Indian restaurants would be re-opening about a week after my birthday, and my favorite band Muse will be playing in Columbus almost exactly a week after my birthday as well. Just this past weekend, I found out that the bar I go to in town will be having a karaoke DJ playing there the weekend following my birthday, in honor of my turning 32. However, it's now uncertain if I'll be able to go to the before-mentioned concert. My girlfriend and I have had a rocky couple of weeks, and are currently in the process of trying to talk things over and work things out, and she would be my date to the show if I went. I also just found out that on the day of my birthday, my brother and his wife will be moving into their new house. Just yesterday, I learned that ...

Ever since the tragic shooting spree at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut last month,  the gun control debate has run rampant in this country. Even in the world of Facebook, I can't tell you how many such debates have transpired just among my "friends" over the past few weeks. While I am a gun control advocate, I try as hard as I can to listen to the NRA-esque crowd. Just today, I read through many comments from die-hard guns rights activists, just so I could try to understand their perspective better. After reading those comments, and upon looking back at similar comments I've seen in those before-mentioned Facebook debates, I've started to notice what appears to be a trend, and may be a big reason why many gun control proponents and opponents have a hard time understanding one another and coming to a decent compromise. In the comments I read earlier, I can't tell you how many times I read these far-right gun rights activists refer to ...

Not too long ago, Tennessee firearms trainer (according to him) James Yeager posted a video online with the following rant: "Vice President [Joe] Biden is asking the president to bypass Congress and use executive privilege, executive order to ban assault rifles and to impose stricter gun control. I'm not f**king putting up with this. I'm not letting my country be ruled by a dictator. I'm not letting anybody take my guns! If it goes one inch further, I'm going to start killing people." ...and the winner of the award for the man least likely to ever smooth talk a woman is... James Yeager! Humorously enough, after Yeager said he wasn't going to let anyone take away his guns and if that happened, he'd start killing people, had his handgun carry permit revoked by Tennessee's Homeland Security office. Not long afterward, Yeager released a second video, where it appeared as if he was on the verge of retracting his earlier comments and going so far...

The 49-year old Lawrence E. Adamczyk is a known sex offender in Rockford, Illinois. Who does he blame on his looking for young boys? Justin Bieber. He told police that on his way to the Brookfield Zoo to "look for young boys," he received a "brainwave message from Hollywood recording artist Justin Bieber." This story really shook my world. Does this mean Justin Bieber is God? ...at least a god? ...a cult leader? ...a woman (which I suspect at times) who likes the opposite sex? Can Bieber's music now be considered a hallucinogenic? Should it be made illegal? Should I give it a more serious gander, so long as I'm at home by myself and not on the road? In any case, I don't think there can be much questioning the need for Adamczyk to be sent to a loony bin and kept there for a very long time. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/01/14/lawrence-adamczyk-says-justin-bieber-brainwave_n_2473460.html

A week ago Saturday, in the run up to Martin Luther King Day and the second presidential inauguration of Barack Obama, guns rights advocates got together to celebrate Gun Appreciation Day. It's something King would have supported. Even though he was killed via a gun, he was as pro-gun as John Bobbitt was pro-knife. When I think of Martin Luther King, I think about a man who stood up for the rights of darkly toned weapons. So, what stood out about Gun Appreciation Day this year? At three different gun shows, five people were accidentally shot. Yeah, read that over again - on a day when gun rights activists made their voices heard by holding gun shows on a day known as Gun Appreciation Day in an attempt to depict most gun owners as responsible and to suggest that no additional gun control laws were needed, five people were accidentally shot at these very shows. The first time I read that, and even the thirty-third time I read that, I thought, "This can't be real. The Onion...

Bob Marshall, a Republican member of the Virginia House of Delegates introduced a crazy bit of legislation today. I'm not exaggerating one iota when I label the legislation as "crazy." Here, have a look for yourself: "HB2340: SUMMARY AS INTRODUCED: Prevent any agency, political subdivision, or employee of Virginia from assisting the Federal government of the United States in any investigation, prosecution, detention, arrest, search, or seizure, under the authority of any federal statute enacted, or Executive Order or regulation issued, after December 31, 2012, infringing the individual Right to Keep and Bear Arms by imposing new restrictions on private ownership or private transfer of firearms, firearm magazines, ammunition, or components thereof." That's right - the far-right gun nuts (I now believe this is the proper term as well) have reached the point in their the-federal-government-is-coming-after-my-guns paranoia, that in the state of Virginia, the...

When you think of a good smoothie shop name, what's the first name that comes to mind? Don't tell me - it's I Love Drilling Juice and Smoothie Bar , right? That's what I thought. I was thinking the same thing. While we're on the same wavelength here, let me tell you more about this smoothie shop. I Love Drilling Juice and Smoothie Bar is actually the name of a smoothie shop in Vernal, Utah. It's owned by pro-oil and gas activist (go figure, right?) George Burnett. So what has Mr. Burnett done to anger so many? Here's how the prices of his 16 oz. smoothies line up: "Conservatives: $4.95 Liberals: $5.95 Crew Team Members: $3.95" No, that's not a misprint. The guy charges liberals a dollar more per smoothie than conservatives. As Burnett says: "I'm very open about it, very public about it, that I'm going to charge them a little bit more, and I have liberals come in and pay the extra dollar surcharge. And actually all three...

I'm really loving this post-gerrymandering-winner-by-congressional-district election idea.  If applied to the entire country, one Willard Mittens Romney would have won the election with 276 electoral votes, while losing the popular vote by 4,967,5 98. In the state of Ohio, he would have won 12 of the 18 electoral votes (66.67%), even though he lost the state. In other news, it's being rumored that starting in the 2013-2014 NFL season, home teams will be rewarded 12 points for a touchdown, 6 for a field goal, 4 for a safety, and 2 for an extra point. As announcer Al Michaels would put it: "Even while the visiting Cleveland Browns scored 21 points on three touchdowns and extra points, they were no match for the home team Cincinnati Bengals, who came away with 28 points on two touchdowns and extra points. Now, to hear his reaction on the game, we have Browns tailback Trent Richardson with Erin Andrews. Erin?" Andrews: "Thanks, Al. So, what is your first reaction to ...

In light of all the gun-control talk, about a week ago, a 22-year old man by the name of  Joseph Kelley decided he'd be doing the country a favor if he strapped an unloaded rifle onto his back and brought along a loaded Glock pistol for good measure to a JC Penney's store in Utah. Kelley was trying to make the point that weapons aren't dangerous when handled by good, law-abiding citizens such as himself. Kelley obviously isn't the brightest crayon in the box - not even a dark gray. It's quite something for a person to hear about the tragedy in Newtown, Connecticut, see the terror in the children's, parents', and teachers' eyes, to hear talk about the government potentially passing stricter gun laws, and to one morning decide, "You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to bring a rifle and a pistol into a JC Penney's store, where parents and their children will be shopping, and won't strike fear into anyone, because people should k...

So it appears as if some Republicans are trying to alter the winner-take-all-electoral-vote model to the win-by-congressional-district model in some Democratic-leaning or battleground states that President Obama won in the 2012 presidential election. These states include: Ohio (18), Virginia (13), Michigan (16), Wisconsin (10), Pennsylvania (20), and Florida (29) - worth a combined 106 electoral votes. Due to Republican gerrymandering, this would have propelled Mitt Romney to the presidency this past election, even though he lost the overall vote by close to five million. With this new model, even though Obama defeated Romney by close to four percentage points in the state of Virginia in November, he would have netted just four of the state's thirteen electoral votes. That's right. In a state where Obama won by roughly 150,000 votes, Romney would have won 9 electoral votes to the president's 4. Make sense? I didn't think so. If the Republican Party is able to get away...

Do you like yourself? A bit too much perhaps? Do you wake up an hour earlier than most people to stare at yourself in the mirror for that 60-minute duration and get aroused in the process, before heading to work or school? When asked who your perfect mate would be, do you immediately shout, "A clone of myself!"? Well, if that's the case, I think I've found the dating site for you! The site is called Atlasphere (www.theatlasphere.com), in honor of novelist, philosopher, and hottest woman in the mind of only herself - Ayn Rand ( Atlas Shrugged ). Here are a few quotes the sexiest woman this side of nowhere has relayed onto the masses through the years: "To say 'I love you' one must first be able to say 'I.'" "One can't love man without hating most of the creatures who pretend to bear his name." "I am a man who does not exist for others." "...the person who loves everybody and feels at home everywhere is...

Well, I've just completed two sets of letters to send to people across the country regarding my books, and thought I'd copy and paste one of them to share to readers, in case anyone was interested in the following information. Here it is: I’ve been continually telling myself I would take a nice mental break at some point over the past couple years. However, that hasn’t been the case. Ever since I recovered from my 20-month illness in the early part of 2011, my creative juices have been flowing - perhaps feeling the need to make up for lost time during those 20 months - and I’ve now published five books in the past 15 months (890 pages worth). One landed me on a radio talk show this past August, and I’m hopeful that will occur again at some point this year. The books have included: Two comedies, two political satires, and one of the poetry variety. I also have a nonfiction manuscript completed and am awaiting agent representation for it, am 53 pages into a third political sat...

I've been hearing and reading some sportswriters, analysts, and even comedians lay claim that the Manti Te'o case fits the bill of a victimless crime. Assuming for a moment that Te'o only briefly lied about his girlfriend at the Heisman Trophy ceremony because he was embarrassed by his findings two days earlier when receiving a strange phone call from the woman who had pretended to be his girlfriend and who he was told had died of leukemia two months earlier, how would this be a victimless crime? This college kid thought he had found a special connection with a woman online. They supposedly spent a lot of time communicating, opened up about having feelings for one another, etc. Not long after he was informed of his grandmother dying, he was told that this girlfriend of his had perished from leukemia. Two people he felt extremely close to, to his knowledge, died within a week of each other. Two months later, he received a phone call from the woman who had allegedly died ...

The media in general, especially the sports media, is doing everything in its power to rid themselves of any responsibility with regard to the Manti Te'o story. On Thursday, Te'o's interview with Katie Couric will air, where the former Notre Dame linebacker admits to briefly lying about his "girlfriend." He had been informed that she died of leukemia in September, but received a strange phone call on December 6th from "her" (supposedly). While he allegedly informed family and the school about the call, he lied a couple days later at the Heisman Trophy ceremony when asked about her. I'm not going to say that lying about it was morally right. However, what was the guy supposed to do? Here's a 21-year old college kid - one of the finalists for the most coveted award in all of college football - who thought his "girlfriend" had died of leukemia two months prior, only to be called by this "girlfriend" two days before the ceremony...

Following the tragic shooting spree in Newtown, Connecticut, President Barack Obama decided it was time to step forth and sign 23 executive orders to try and reduce gun violence in this country. Of course, many far-right gun enthusiasts responded by calling the president every name in the book, from Stalin to Hussein to Hitler (pretty much any guy with a mustache not named Charlie Chaplin). Obama was labeled as a tyrant by these very people, clamoring that he's on a mission to take all of our guns and these executive orders proved that! Really? Let's look over these 23 executive orders, shall we? I'll list the executive orders and follow them with fictional quotes from these far-right gun enthusiasts in predicting what they were thinking when hearing about the orders (if they ever actually did), and then add another set of fictional quotes which will add a dose of realism to the before-mentioned fictional quotes in an attempt to showcase just how ridiculous their rationale ...

It comes as no surprise to me that New England Patriots starting quarterback Tom Brady will forego the chance of playing in the Pro Bowl this coming Sunday. He's been battered and bruised for most of the season, and coming off a disappointing loss to the Baltimore Ravens in the AFC Championship Game this past Sunday, I doubt he's in any mood to play anyway. What is surprising to me is who will be replacing Brady on the AFC Pro Bowl roster - Indianapolis Colts' rookie quarterback Andrew Luck. All year long, I've been quick to counter the ESPN talking heads whom were sparkly-eyed and drooling over Andrew Luck this season. Granted, the guy did help turn around the Indianapolis Colts this season, as they went from drafting him number one overall last year to reaching the playoffs this season. However, the Colts played one of the weakest schedules in all of football this year and Luck received too much of the credit for the turnaround, as quarterbacks often times do. While...

Every time a sportswriter or talking head criticizes Manti Te'o for being gullible, I have to laugh. Who was it again that bought into and reported the story over and over again to millions of people without doing an ounce of research? Rumor has it that ESPN has a fake girlfriend of its own - her name is journalism. Tim Tebow has been demoted to a friend with benefits.

I've always been curious on the actual impact and success of the strategy known as "icing the kicker" in football, if it has one at all. Well, thanks to research, I have some answers. One Tobias Moskowitz put together some numbers on this very thing and released them in his book Scorecasting , where he compared field goal kickers' success rates in the final couple minutes of a game when they were iced and when they weren't. To me at least, the results aren't very surprising. When the kick transpired between the 1:01 and 1:59 point in the 4th quarter of a game, iced kickers made 74.2% of their kicks, compared to 77.6% who weren't iced - a difference of 3.4%. When the kick took place between the 1:00 and 0:31 mark, iced kickers converted on 74.3% of their attempts, while the kickers who weren't iced converted on 74.6% of them - a difference of 0.3%. When the kick happened between the 0:30 and 0:16 point, iced kickers made 76.0% of their field goa...

Why is it that so many athletes feel that they're God's chosen ones? While I would probably label myself as an agnostic and don't necessarily believe in a higher power, this kind of thinking still puzzles me. Following the Baltimore Ravens' 28-13 win over the New England Patriots in yesterday's AFC Championship Game, vaulting them to the Super Bowl to face the San Francisco 49ers in a couple weeks, Pro-Bowl and future Hall-of-Fame linebacker Ray Lewis thanked God first and foremost, talked about God believing in him, God's plan for he and his team, and I don't remember what else. While I respect Mr. Lewis' religious beliefs generally speaking, I have trouble understanding or agreeing with him that the Ravens are going to the Super Bowl because it was part of God's plan. Lewis isn't the first such athlete to say such things before, of course. It seems like approximately 2 out of 5 times I hear an athlete speak after attaining success in a g...

In light of President Obama making a speech regarding how to prevent gun violence, right-wing pundits and politicians have called him a tyrant and compared him to the likes of Hitler, Stalin, Hussein, and others.  In response to this ridiculous outpouring of hyperbole, I got in touch with my innermost Jeff Foxworthy and ask for all of you to do the same. I call the following piece, "You might be a tyrant if..." - "You might be a tyrant if you pass laws making it more difficult for people with a history of abusing their pets from buying other pets, while not ta king away this right from those whom treat their pets with kindness and care." - "You might be a tyrant if you pass laws making it more difficult for people with a history of child abuse from adopting kids, while not taking away this right from those whom are responsible and loving parents." - "You might be a tyrant if you pass gun laws making it more difficult for people with a history of g...

Know someone who likes to "one-up" everyone? You know, when you talk about a wild drunken night when you drank too much and started dancing with a pole you thought was an actual person, and THAT guy then talks about his drunken night of streaking around downtown Chicago, getting chased by a gang, getting arrested, before being bailed out by his mother while he's sitting in a jail cell mostly nude? Yeah, that guy... I know someone like that as well. We don't see each other too regularly, but whenever we're out and about together, especially when others are with us, he seems to feel the need to one-up everyone, especially me. Why? Really, why do some people feel the need to do this? I'm sure most everyone could make up a story to one-up another's, but why do that? Is it out of insecurity? Always wanting to be the center of attention? How they've been brought up? An obsession with the old Saturday Night Live skit which centered around this very behavior...

Texas Governor Rick Perry reminds me too much of former President George W. Bush sometimes. While they're both quite conservative, they're not as conservative as most members of the Republican House. Both hail from Texas and either were or currently are governors there. Both aren't bad looking men, have very similar southern accents, and provide more gaffes for the media than Angelina Jolie provides sexual fantasies for teenage guys that aren't named Lance. Both politicians have, at times, appeared to be auditioning for a role in a G.I. Joe movie or to be Chuck Norris' sidekick (in a film or real life). Neither are great speakers either. They have often times come across as half-drunk frat boys whom failed their 3rd grade English classes. In saying all that, let me present to you what Rick Perry's response was to President Obama's speech on preventing gun violence: "Guns require a finger to pull the trigger. The sad young man who did that in Newtown ...

Just recently, televangelist and sex appeal expert in his own mind - Pat Robertson, said the following on his show - 700 Club , with regard to marriage problems: "A woman came to a preacher that I know, and she was awful looking. I mean, her hair was all torn up and she was overweight and looked terrible, clothes bad and everything. And she said, 'Oh, Reverend, what can I do? My husband has started to drink.' And the preacher looked at her and said, 'Madam, if I was married to you I'd start to drink too.' We need to cultivate romance, darling! ... You always have to keep that spark of love alive. It just isn't something to just lie there, 'Well, I'm married to him so he's got to take me slatternly looking.' You've got to fix yourself up, look pretty." To his credit, Robertson knows a thing or two about being physically appealing, for he was named sexiest current host of 700 Club with the first name of Pat and last name of Robert...

Upon hearing that the Philadelphia Eagles had hired Oregon head coach Chip Kelly, the word I'd use to describe my reaction would be "intrigued."  Part of this is due to the fact Chip Kelly doesn't have any NFL experience, yet the guy's offensive wit helped the Ducks dominate the Pac-12 conference in recent years. Like when Steve Spurrier took his show to D.C. to coach the Redskins, that same curiosity is present regarding Kelly, who, like Spurrier, doesn't run a prototypical NFL-style offense. So, the big question on most people's minds, will his style of offense work in the NFL?  At this point, no one knows the answer to that question. We can all give our predictions, include as many numbers and sources as possible, but until we see the results on the field and long-term mind you, we're not going to know just how well Chip Kelly's offense will transfer over to the next level. I am intrigued, however, and slightly excited to see Kelly attemp...

I don't know if this is a new thing sweeping across conservative sites, but last night, I read a Facebook status from someone which said this: "Stepped on the scale the other day...noticed I gained some weight. I was looking for someone/thing to blame and decided it is clearly the fault of the eating utensils in my home....just as the violence our nation is blamed on guns. Please support me as I attempt to pass legislation that will ban forks and spoons (or at least limit who has access to them) to help cure our country's obesity problem..." Cute, isn't it? The individual is attempting to compare the link between guns and gun violence to the link between utensils and obesity. Forks and spoons are simply the tools we use to eat food, which can lead to obesity, just like a gun is the tool which can lead to gun violence. While the analogy is a nice try in a series of such attempts, it fails on multiple levels. One problem with it, is like I illustrated in my re...