Following the tragic shooting spree in Newtown, Connecticut, President Barack Obama decided it was time to step forth and sign 23 executive orders to try and reduce gun violence in this country. Of course, many far-right gun enthusiasts responded by calling the president every name in the book, from Stalin to Hussein to Hitler (pretty much any guy with a mustache not named Charlie Chaplin). Obama was labeled as a tyrant by these very people, clamoring that he's on a mission to take all of our guns and these executive orders proved that! Really? Let's look over these 23 executive orders, shall we? I'll list the executive orders and follow them with fictional quotes from these far-right gun enthusiasts in predicting what they were thinking when hearing about the orders (if they ever actually did), and then add another set of fictional quotes which will add a dose of realism to the before-mentioned fictional quotes in an attempt to showcase just how ridiculous their rationale is.
Obama's Executive Orders
1. "Issue a Presidential Memorandum to require federal agencies to make relevant data available to the federal background check system."
What gun enthusiasts heard: "They're going to take away my guns!"
What, if they were listening, they heard: "If my data becomes available to the government, they'll find out about how I patterned my life after Charles Manson, that I like buying clothes at Wal-Mart, and that I have a twinkie fixation. They're going to take away my guns!"
2. "Address unnecessary legal barriers, particularly relating to the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act, that may prevent states from making information available to the background check system."
What gun enthusiasts heard: "They're going to take away my guns!"
What, if they were listening, they heard: "Whoa... Background check? I only shot those five people, two are still living, and it was all a misunderstanding anyway. They all brought paintball guns. I brought my AK-47. Shoot! They're going to take away my guns!"
3. "Improve incentives for states to share information with the background check system."
What gun enthusiasts heard: "They're going to take away my guns!"
What, if they were listening, they heard: "Background check? So what if I'm white! Do they have a problem with that? Oh, I guess they do! They're going to take away my guns!"
4. "Direct the Attorney General to review categories of individuals prohibited from having a gun to make sure dangerous people are not slipping through the cracks."
What gun enthusiasts heard: "They're going to take away my guns!"
What, if they were listening, they heard: "I dress like Rambo every Halloween, Chuck Norris on my birthday, and Arnold Schwarzenegger every Tuesday. People probably think I look dangerous! They're going to take away my guns!"
5. "Propose rule-making to give law enforcement the ability to run a full background check on an individual before returning a seized gun."
What gun enthusiasts heard: "They're going to take away my guns!"
What, if they were listening, they heard: "Law enforcement? Background check? I don't recognize some of those other words, but know it doesn't sound good! They're going to take away my guns!"
6. "Publish a letter from ATF to federally licensed gun dealers providing guidance on how to run background checks for private sellers."
What gun enthusiasts heard: "They're going to take away my guns!"
What, if they were listening, they heard: "What's ATF? At The Fair? All The Flab? Am The Fullest? Ate The Freedom? That's it! That last one! They're going to take away my guns!"
7. "Launch a national safe and responsible gun ownership campaign."
What gun enthusiasts heard: "They're going to take away my guns!"
What, if they were listening, they heard: "Safe and responsible? Was Steven Seagal safe and responsible? John Wayne? That other guy? I don't think so! Crap! I left a loaded pistol at that bar Angry Drunks last night. They're going to take away my guns!"
8. "Review safety standards for gun locks and gun safes (Consumer Product Safety Commission)."
What gun enthusiasts heard: "They're going to take away my guns!"
What, if they were listening, they heard: "Safety locks - ha! Who needs those? My doctor said I should be out of this wheelchair and as good as new in a few weeks. It's so funny how I accidentally shot both of my feet. Wait a minute... It's not funny at all anymore! They're going to take away my guns!"
9. Issue a Presidential Memorandum to require federal law enforcement to trace guns recovered in criminal investigations."
What gun enthusiasts heard: "They're going to take away my guns!"
What, if they were listening, they heard: "This isn't good. I'm already part of 17 criminal investigations, all involving guns of mine. I'd still have 32 left, but still... They're going to take away my guns!"
10. "Release a DOJ report analyzing information on lost and stolen guns and make it widely available to law enforcement."
What gun enthusiasts heard: "They're going to take away my guns!"
What, if they were listening, they heard: "So what if I'm a klepto? I'm not really hurting anybody. ...and so what if I've lost a few of the guns I've taken from others without their permission? What's the big deal? Oh no - the big deal is they're going to take away my guns!"
11. "Nominate an ATF director."
What gun enthusiasts heard: "They're going to take away my guns!"
What, if they were listening, they heard: "There's that Ate The Freedom deal again. Wow - Obama's going to name a director of some group called Ate The Freedom? They really are going to take away my guns!"
12. "Provide law enforcement, first responders, and school officials with proper training for active shooter situations."
What gun enthusiasts heard: "They're going to take away my guns!"
What, if they were listening, they heard: "Wait a minute... I read something somewhere about there being a shortage of guns. To train all these people, they'll probably come after my stash of them. They're going to take away my guns!"
13. "Maximize enforcement efforts to prevent gun violence and prosecute gun crime."
What gun enthusiasts heard: "They're going to take away my guns!"
What, if they were listening, they heard: "You mean, if I actually shoot another nun, I could get into trouble? With the law, as well as the church? They're going to take away my guns!"
14. "Issue a Presidential Memorandum directing the Centers for Disease Control to research the causes and prevention of gun violence."
What gun enthusiasts heard: "The're going to take away my guns!"
What, if they were listening, they heard: "Wait, what was that? A certain disease causes gun violence? I hope it's not gonorrhea, because that's what I've had for a while now. If so, though, then they're going to take away my guns!"
15. "Direct the Attorney General to issue a report on the availability and most effective use of new gun safety technologies and challenge the private sector to develop innovative technologies."
What gun enthusiasts heard: "They're going to take away my guns!"
What, if they were listening, they heard: "Challenge... ha! I'll give them a challenge. I challenge them to prove I shot and killed those eight people with one of my guns and not a hammer or baseball bat that shoots bullets! Oh, oh - they're going to take away my guns!"
16. "Clarify that the Affordable Care Act does not prohibit doctors asking their patients about guns in their homes."
What gun enthusiasts heard: "They're going to take away my guns!"
What, if they were listening, they heard: "Which doctor? Only my first seven shrinks have diagnosed me as crazy. I'm still waiting to hear back from the eighth, who said he's placing a restraining order against me. I'm screwed! They're going to take away my guns!"
17. "Release a letter to health care providers clarifying that no federal law prohibits them from reporting threats of violence to law enforcement authorities."
What gun enthusiasts heard: "They're going to take away my guns!"
What, if they were listening, they heard: "Even when it comes to that doctor-patient confidentiality stuff? Don't listen to all my shrinks! I was just really high when I said all that stuff! I don't really want to shoot and kill all my ex-boyfriends, ex-girlfriends, ex-husbands, and ex-wives! ...They're going to take away my guns!"
18. "Provide incentives for schools to hire school resource officers."
What gun enthusiasts heard: "They're going to take away my guns!"
What, if they were listening, they heard: "I wanna be a school resource officer! Then they won't be able to take away my guns! Although, if my gun goes off accidentally like it did several times during prayer at church, they'll take away my guns!"
19. "Develop model emergency response plans for schools, houses of worship and institutions of higher education."
What gun enthusiasts heard: "They're going to take away my guns!"
What, if they were listening, they heard: "Is the government calling me the model of emergency for schools and churches? It's not my fault! That thing has a mind of its own sometimes and just goes off without any warning! They're going to take away my guns!"
20. "Release a letter to state health officials clarifying the scope of mental health services that Medicaid plans must cover."
What gun enthusiasts heard: "They're going to take away my guns!"
What, if they were listening, they heard: "So what if I have mental health problems? Don't judge me! I'd rather an unmedicated loon such as myself have a gun than anyone else! I guess they don't feel the same... They're going to take away my guns!"
21. "Finalize regulations clarifying essential health benefits and parity requirements within ACA exchanges."
What gun enthusiasts heard: "They're going to take away my guns!"
What, if they were listening, they heard: "ACA? What the hell is ACA? Act Cool Again? Ask Crummy Answers? Wait, that one doesn't make sense. What else could it be? Against Common Ammunition? Yup - there it is! They're going to take away my guns!"
22. "Commit to finalizing mental health parity regulations."
What gun enthusiasts heard: "They're going to take away my guns!"
What, if they were listening, they heard: "Hey, it's not my mental health they should be worried about. What about my gun's mental health? After having a lengthy discussion with him about, among other things, the 2nd Amendment, the weather, and whether or not this trailer park is the hottest in the country, he seems to be fine mentally. If they're talking about my mental health, though, then... They're going to take away my guns!"
23. "Launch a national dialogue led by Secretaries Sebelius and Duncan on mental health."
What gun enthusiasts heard: "They're going to take away my guns!"
What, if they were listening, they heard: "I don't trust anyone by the names of Sebelius or Duncan. This is the first time I've seen the name Sebelius, so it makes me suspicious. The only Duncan I know is that donuts place, and who loves donuts? Cops! They're going to take away my guns!"
http://www.forbes.com/sites/rickungar/2013/01/16/here-are-the-23-executive-orders-on-gun-safety-signed-today-by-the-president/
Obama's Executive Orders
1. "Issue a Presidential Memorandum to require federal agencies to make relevant data available to the federal background check system."
What gun enthusiasts heard: "They're going to take away my guns!"
What, if they were listening, they heard: "If my data becomes available to the government, they'll find out about how I patterned my life after Charles Manson, that I like buying clothes at Wal-Mart, and that I have a twinkie fixation. They're going to take away my guns!"
2. "Address unnecessary legal barriers, particularly relating to the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act, that may prevent states from making information available to the background check system."
What gun enthusiasts heard: "They're going to take away my guns!"
What, if they were listening, they heard: "Whoa... Background check? I only shot those five people, two are still living, and it was all a misunderstanding anyway. They all brought paintball guns. I brought my AK-47. Shoot! They're going to take away my guns!"
3. "Improve incentives for states to share information with the background check system."
What gun enthusiasts heard: "They're going to take away my guns!"
What, if they were listening, they heard: "Background check? So what if I'm white! Do they have a problem with that? Oh, I guess they do! They're going to take away my guns!"
4. "Direct the Attorney General to review categories of individuals prohibited from having a gun to make sure dangerous people are not slipping through the cracks."
What gun enthusiasts heard: "They're going to take away my guns!"
What, if they were listening, they heard: "I dress like Rambo every Halloween, Chuck Norris on my birthday, and Arnold Schwarzenegger every Tuesday. People probably think I look dangerous! They're going to take away my guns!"
5. "Propose rule-making to give law enforcement the ability to run a full background check on an individual before returning a seized gun."
What gun enthusiasts heard: "They're going to take away my guns!"
What, if they were listening, they heard: "Law enforcement? Background check? I don't recognize some of those other words, but know it doesn't sound good! They're going to take away my guns!"
6. "Publish a letter from ATF to federally licensed gun dealers providing guidance on how to run background checks for private sellers."
What gun enthusiasts heard: "They're going to take away my guns!"
What, if they were listening, they heard: "What's ATF? At The Fair? All The Flab? Am The Fullest? Ate The Freedom? That's it! That last one! They're going to take away my guns!"
7. "Launch a national safe and responsible gun ownership campaign."
What gun enthusiasts heard: "They're going to take away my guns!"
What, if they were listening, they heard: "Safe and responsible? Was Steven Seagal safe and responsible? John Wayne? That other guy? I don't think so! Crap! I left a loaded pistol at that bar Angry Drunks last night. They're going to take away my guns!"
8. "Review safety standards for gun locks and gun safes (Consumer Product Safety Commission)."
What gun enthusiasts heard: "They're going to take away my guns!"
What, if they were listening, they heard: "Safety locks - ha! Who needs those? My doctor said I should be out of this wheelchair and as good as new in a few weeks. It's so funny how I accidentally shot both of my feet. Wait a minute... It's not funny at all anymore! They're going to take away my guns!"
9. Issue a Presidential Memorandum to require federal law enforcement to trace guns recovered in criminal investigations."
What gun enthusiasts heard: "They're going to take away my guns!"
What, if they were listening, they heard: "This isn't good. I'm already part of 17 criminal investigations, all involving guns of mine. I'd still have 32 left, but still... They're going to take away my guns!"
10. "Release a DOJ report analyzing information on lost and stolen guns and make it widely available to law enforcement."
What gun enthusiasts heard: "They're going to take away my guns!"
What, if they were listening, they heard: "So what if I'm a klepto? I'm not really hurting anybody. ...and so what if I've lost a few of the guns I've taken from others without their permission? What's the big deal? Oh no - the big deal is they're going to take away my guns!"
11. "Nominate an ATF director."
What gun enthusiasts heard: "They're going to take away my guns!"
What, if they were listening, they heard: "There's that Ate The Freedom deal again. Wow - Obama's going to name a director of some group called Ate The Freedom? They really are going to take away my guns!"
12. "Provide law enforcement, first responders, and school officials with proper training for active shooter situations."
What gun enthusiasts heard: "They're going to take away my guns!"
What, if they were listening, they heard: "Wait a minute... I read something somewhere about there being a shortage of guns. To train all these people, they'll probably come after my stash of them. They're going to take away my guns!"
13. "Maximize enforcement efforts to prevent gun violence and prosecute gun crime."
What gun enthusiasts heard: "They're going to take away my guns!"
What, if they were listening, they heard: "You mean, if I actually shoot another nun, I could get into trouble? With the law, as well as the church? They're going to take away my guns!"
14. "Issue a Presidential Memorandum directing the Centers for Disease Control to research the causes and prevention of gun violence."
What gun enthusiasts heard: "The're going to take away my guns!"
What, if they were listening, they heard: "Wait, what was that? A certain disease causes gun violence? I hope it's not gonorrhea, because that's what I've had for a while now. If so, though, then they're going to take away my guns!"
15. "Direct the Attorney General to issue a report on the availability and most effective use of new gun safety technologies and challenge the private sector to develop innovative technologies."
What gun enthusiasts heard: "They're going to take away my guns!"
What, if they were listening, they heard: "Challenge... ha! I'll give them a challenge. I challenge them to prove I shot and killed those eight people with one of my guns and not a hammer or baseball bat that shoots bullets! Oh, oh - they're going to take away my guns!"
16. "Clarify that the Affordable Care Act does not prohibit doctors asking their patients about guns in their homes."
What gun enthusiasts heard: "They're going to take away my guns!"
What, if they were listening, they heard: "Which doctor? Only my first seven shrinks have diagnosed me as crazy. I'm still waiting to hear back from the eighth, who said he's placing a restraining order against me. I'm screwed! They're going to take away my guns!"
17. "Release a letter to health care providers clarifying that no federal law prohibits them from reporting threats of violence to law enforcement authorities."
What gun enthusiasts heard: "They're going to take away my guns!"
What, if they were listening, they heard: "Even when it comes to that doctor-patient confidentiality stuff? Don't listen to all my shrinks! I was just really high when I said all that stuff! I don't really want to shoot and kill all my ex-boyfriends, ex-girlfriends, ex-husbands, and ex-wives! ...They're going to take away my guns!"
18. "Provide incentives for schools to hire school resource officers."
What gun enthusiasts heard: "They're going to take away my guns!"
What, if they were listening, they heard: "I wanna be a school resource officer! Then they won't be able to take away my guns! Although, if my gun goes off accidentally like it did several times during prayer at church, they'll take away my guns!"
19. "Develop model emergency response plans for schools, houses of worship and institutions of higher education."
What gun enthusiasts heard: "They're going to take away my guns!"
What, if they were listening, they heard: "Is the government calling me the model of emergency for schools and churches? It's not my fault! That thing has a mind of its own sometimes and just goes off without any warning! They're going to take away my guns!"
20. "Release a letter to state health officials clarifying the scope of mental health services that Medicaid plans must cover."
What gun enthusiasts heard: "They're going to take away my guns!"
What, if they were listening, they heard: "So what if I have mental health problems? Don't judge me! I'd rather an unmedicated loon such as myself have a gun than anyone else! I guess they don't feel the same... They're going to take away my guns!"
21. "Finalize regulations clarifying essential health benefits and parity requirements within ACA exchanges."
What gun enthusiasts heard: "They're going to take away my guns!"
What, if they were listening, they heard: "ACA? What the hell is ACA? Act Cool Again? Ask Crummy Answers? Wait, that one doesn't make sense. What else could it be? Against Common Ammunition? Yup - there it is! They're going to take away my guns!"
22. "Commit to finalizing mental health parity regulations."
What gun enthusiasts heard: "They're going to take away my guns!"
What, if they were listening, they heard: "Hey, it's not my mental health they should be worried about. What about my gun's mental health? After having a lengthy discussion with him about, among other things, the 2nd Amendment, the weather, and whether or not this trailer park is the hottest in the country, he seems to be fine mentally. If they're talking about my mental health, though, then... They're going to take away my guns!"
23. "Launch a national dialogue led by Secretaries Sebelius and Duncan on mental health."
What gun enthusiasts heard: "They're going to take away my guns!"
What, if they were listening, they heard: "I don't trust anyone by the names of Sebelius or Duncan. This is the first time I've seen the name Sebelius, so it makes me suspicious. The only Duncan I know is that donuts place, and who loves donuts? Cops! They're going to take away my guns!"
http://www.forbes.com/sites/rickungar/2013/01/16/here-are-the-23-executive-orders-on-gun-safety-signed-today-by-the-president/
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