Led by the Tea Party, the further to the right the GOP travels, the more it appears they're devoid of reality. When it comes to the problems of this world, it'll help more to pray than to actually do something about them. When it comes to gun violence, films, music, and video games are more to blame than the actual device which injured or killed people. Interpretation of scripture trumps scientific evidence to the contrary. Conspiracies take precedence over fact-checking. Yes, in the modern day Republican Party, it's felt like the story of the Easter Bunny is more widely believed than that of Gandhi, and here's a story which attempts to depict just how cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs they've become.
Setting: A group of Republicans sitting around a table in a conference meeting room
Ted Cruz: "Okay, guys - here's the deal. I've set up four stations around the room. You'll each draw a slip of paper out of this top hat, in honor of Abraham Lincoln, to find out which station you'll be at. These four stations include: 1) Watching the violent film An American Psycho on television, 2) Listening to Marilyn Manson's angry Antichrist Superstar CD, 3) Playing the disturbing video game Grand Theft Auto, and 4) Shooting a gun. You will receive brief instructions when you arrive at the stations. After today's experiment, we will show all those gun-control nuts what's really to blame for gun violence! Are you ready?"
Steve King, Louie Gohmert, Michele Bachmann, and Sarah Palin: "Yee-haw! Woo-hoo!"
::the Republicans draw slips of paper from the top hat::
King: "Aw, man. I gotta listen to that weird chick, Marilyn Manson. Shoot."
Gohmert: "I get to play a video game. Well, this is going to be weird. The last time I played one of them was when I was a kid and we played that Monopoly game on some kind of a board."
Bachmann: "Well, I get to watch a movie. Doesn't this film have that Christian guy in it? I like Christians. I'm a Christian myself."
Palin: "Who gets to shoot a gun? This girl does! You betcha!"
Cruz: "Okay, now that you've all drawn slips of paper from the hat, you may all go to your stations. Carefully read the directions and then get to it! Let's do this!"
King: ::listens to Marilyn Manson::
Manson: "The beautiful people, the beautiful people, it's all relative to the size of your steeple, you can't see the forest from the trees, and you can't smell your own s**t on your knees..."
King: ::yells:: "What's going on here? I thought this was a weird chick. Is she one of those she-males? What's he-she talkin' about? What about the forest and the trees? Is this one of those stupid environmental freaks?"
Gohmert: ::plays Grand Theft Auto:: "Well, this is different than that video-board game I played as a child - really different. What's with all of these buttons? Oh, wait, I just pressed something and something is happening. Whoa, this chick ain't hardly wearin' nothin'. I haven't seen somethin' like that in quite some time. Holy moly! Look at the water balloons on her!"
Bachmann: ::watches American Psycho:: "Hey, I thought this man was a Christian! He ain't no Christian! He's probably one of those evil Muslims! This shouldn't be called American Psycho! There are no psychos in America! It should be called All Crazy Evil Muslims Are Psycho!"
Palin: ::reads instructions:: "Okay, I first have to shoot the wall over here. That sounds easy enough." ::shoots the wall:: "Ha! I gotcha! What's next? Next, I'm supposed to shoot the floor." ::shoots the floor:: "Wow, this is way too easy. Well, I'm convinced - guns don't kill anyone. They don't even hurt people."
King: ::gets to the end of the Manson CD:: "Ah! I hate you! I hate you! I hate all of you! Screw you! You all suck! I wanna punch you all in the ovaries! Yeah! Yeah! Did you hear that?!? Huh?!?"
Gohmert: ::finishes playing Grand Theft Auto:: "Where's my gun at? Who else wants to get in my car and shoot some thugs and hos? I'm sick and tired of putting up with them thugs and hos! It's time for them all to die! Who's with me?"
Bachmann: ::finishes watching American Psycho:: "Well, that about does it! You're all going to die! Never have I been so angry! Where's my purse? I need my pistol! Get ready to die!"
Palin: ::continues to read instructions:: "Wow, this next step is the real challenge. I'm now supposed to shoot someone in the head. Okay, I think I can do that." ::shoots and kills Steve King::
::everyone stops what they're doing and rushes to King's side::
Gohmert: "What the heck did you do, Sarah?"
Palin: "I was just doing what I was told to do. It said to shoot someone. I chose Steve."
Bachmann: "Is he okay?"
Cruz: "Of course he is. Okay, let's all allow him to sleep for a little while and gather back at the table to discuss today's events."
::they all sit down at the table::
Cruz: "Alright, so I'll get to Steve when he's up again. Let's start with Louie. Louie, in the video game you played, did people die?"
Gohmert: "Yes"
Cruz: "Did actual people die in the game?"
Gohmert: "Yes"
Cruz: "Did you kill anyone because of it?"
Gohmert: "Unfortunately, yes"
Cruz: "Okay, now let's head over to Michele. Did people die in the movie you watched? Actual people? ...and because of this violence, did you kill anyone?"
Bachmann: "Yes to all of them! I feel so ashamed!"
Cruz: "It'll be okay, Michele. Just don't think about it at all and it'll be just fine. Lastly, Sarah, did you fire the gun?"
Palin: "Three times!"
Cruz: "Did you shoot anyone with it?"
Palin: "Yeah, Steve over there"
Cruz: "Did he die because of it?"
Palin: "No, he's just sleeping. You know Steve!"
Cruz: "Indeed. So, I think we can put this one in the books, folks. We have proven that angry music, violent movies, and disturbing video games are the true causes of gun violence in this country and not guns. When we release this video, the gun-control nuts are going to freak!"
Gohmert: "Idiots!"
Palin: "Yeah, I know, right?!?"
King: " "
Cruz: "Okay, let's end this special occasion with a prayer. Everyone please bow your heads, close your eyes, and let's talk to the Jesus. 'Heavenly father, thank you for bringing us together today and helping us prove to the world that guns are good and don't kill. When Steve is ready to awaken, please help him up and help him clean up all the ketchup that's around his head. Lord, we also pray that we don't lose sight of the invisible due to the actual, that we don't let scientific studies and numbers cloud our judgment any, and that we love and accept everyone for who they are, as you do, even though we know they're going to burn in hell. We ask all of these things in your blessed and holy name. Amen."
Gohmert: "Amen!"
Palin: "Amen! Yes, siree!"
King: " "
Setting: A group of Republicans sitting around a table in a conference meeting room
Ted Cruz: "Okay, guys - here's the deal. I've set up four stations around the room. You'll each draw a slip of paper out of this top hat, in honor of Abraham Lincoln, to find out which station you'll be at. These four stations include: 1) Watching the violent film An American Psycho on television, 2) Listening to Marilyn Manson's angry Antichrist Superstar CD, 3) Playing the disturbing video game Grand Theft Auto, and 4) Shooting a gun. You will receive brief instructions when you arrive at the stations. After today's experiment, we will show all those gun-control nuts what's really to blame for gun violence! Are you ready?"
Steve King, Louie Gohmert, Michele Bachmann, and Sarah Palin: "Yee-haw! Woo-hoo!"
::the Republicans draw slips of paper from the top hat::
King: "Aw, man. I gotta listen to that weird chick, Marilyn Manson. Shoot."
Gohmert: "I get to play a video game. Well, this is going to be weird. The last time I played one of them was when I was a kid and we played that Monopoly game on some kind of a board."
Bachmann: "Well, I get to watch a movie. Doesn't this film have that Christian guy in it? I like Christians. I'm a Christian myself."
Palin: "Who gets to shoot a gun? This girl does! You betcha!"
Cruz: "Okay, now that you've all drawn slips of paper from the hat, you may all go to your stations. Carefully read the directions and then get to it! Let's do this!"
King: ::listens to Marilyn Manson::
Manson: "The beautiful people, the beautiful people, it's all relative to the size of your steeple, you can't see the forest from the trees, and you can't smell your own s**t on your knees..."
King: ::yells:: "What's going on here? I thought this was a weird chick. Is she one of those she-males? What's he-she talkin' about? What about the forest and the trees? Is this one of those stupid environmental freaks?"
Gohmert: ::plays Grand Theft Auto:: "Well, this is different than that video-board game I played as a child - really different. What's with all of these buttons? Oh, wait, I just pressed something and something is happening. Whoa, this chick ain't hardly wearin' nothin'. I haven't seen somethin' like that in quite some time. Holy moly! Look at the water balloons on her!"
Bachmann: ::watches American Psycho:: "Hey, I thought this man was a Christian! He ain't no Christian! He's probably one of those evil Muslims! This shouldn't be called American Psycho! There are no psychos in America! It should be called All Crazy Evil Muslims Are Psycho!"
Palin: ::reads instructions:: "Okay, I first have to shoot the wall over here. That sounds easy enough." ::shoots the wall:: "Ha! I gotcha! What's next? Next, I'm supposed to shoot the floor." ::shoots the floor:: "Wow, this is way too easy. Well, I'm convinced - guns don't kill anyone. They don't even hurt people."
King: ::gets to the end of the Manson CD:: "Ah! I hate you! I hate you! I hate all of you! Screw you! You all suck! I wanna punch you all in the ovaries! Yeah! Yeah! Did you hear that?!? Huh?!?"
Gohmert: ::finishes playing Grand Theft Auto:: "Where's my gun at? Who else wants to get in my car and shoot some thugs and hos? I'm sick and tired of putting up with them thugs and hos! It's time for them all to die! Who's with me?"
Bachmann: ::finishes watching American Psycho:: "Well, that about does it! You're all going to die! Never have I been so angry! Where's my purse? I need my pistol! Get ready to die!"
Palin: ::continues to read instructions:: "Wow, this next step is the real challenge. I'm now supposed to shoot someone in the head. Okay, I think I can do that." ::shoots and kills Steve King::
::everyone stops what they're doing and rushes to King's side::
Gohmert: "What the heck did you do, Sarah?"
Palin: "I was just doing what I was told to do. It said to shoot someone. I chose Steve."
Bachmann: "Is he okay?"
Cruz: "Of course he is. Okay, let's all allow him to sleep for a little while and gather back at the table to discuss today's events."
::they all sit down at the table::
Cruz: "Alright, so I'll get to Steve when he's up again. Let's start with Louie. Louie, in the video game you played, did people die?"
Gohmert: "Yes"
Cruz: "Did actual people die in the game?"
Gohmert: "Yes"
Cruz: "Did you kill anyone because of it?"
Gohmert: "Unfortunately, yes"
Cruz: "Okay, now let's head over to Michele. Did people die in the movie you watched? Actual people? ...and because of this violence, did you kill anyone?"
Bachmann: "Yes to all of them! I feel so ashamed!"
Cruz: "It'll be okay, Michele. Just don't think about it at all and it'll be just fine. Lastly, Sarah, did you fire the gun?"
Palin: "Three times!"
Cruz: "Did you shoot anyone with it?"
Palin: "Yeah, Steve over there"
Cruz: "Did he die because of it?"
Palin: "No, he's just sleeping. You know Steve!"
Cruz: "Indeed. So, I think we can put this one in the books, folks. We have proven that angry music, violent movies, and disturbing video games are the true causes of gun violence in this country and not guns. When we release this video, the gun-control nuts are going to freak!"
Gohmert: "Idiots!"
Palin: "Yeah, I know, right?!?"
King: " "
Cruz: "Okay, let's end this special occasion with a prayer. Everyone please bow your heads, close your eyes, and let's talk to the Jesus. 'Heavenly father, thank you for bringing us together today and helping us prove to the world that guns are good and don't kill. When Steve is ready to awaken, please help him up and help him clean up all the ketchup that's around his head. Lord, we also pray that we don't lose sight of the invisible due to the actual, that we don't let scientific studies and numbers cloud our judgment any, and that we love and accept everyone for who they are, as you do, even though we know they're going to burn in hell. We ask all of these things in your blessed and holy name. Amen."
Gohmert: "Amen!"
Palin: "Amen! Yes, siree!"
King: " "
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