So, I got told that I'm too "pretty" to be a guy...

Strange stories seem to follow me wherever I go. This is especially true when I go to bars on Friday or Saturday nights. For a while there, Vegas odds were at 1 : 1 that I would get asked by at least one person if I was gay. These were typically complete strangers, whom, after talking to me for 5 minutes, felt the need to ask what my sexuality was. There was another time when a woman at a bachelorette party pointed over in my direction, walked over, grabbed me by the head, and tried to french kiss me. A drunk woman tried setting me up with her mother at another point, who seemed embarrassed by it. Not too long ago, I got hit on by a married Jewish woman and a Hispanic guy the same night. Yes, for whatever reason, strange situations seem to follow me around like paparazzi's do celebrities.

This trend continued last Wednesday night when some family of mine and I went out for a bit. Some family of mine came into town that afternoon for Thanksgiving weekend and we headed to a benefit concert that evening. Toward the end of the concert, two apparently drunk guys stood next to me, before one said the following to me:

"So, my buddy and I were just talking. Are you a dude or a chick? You're too pretty to be a guy. You should have been in that boy band that played earlier."

I can only imagine my facial expression upon hearing this. I simply responded with, "Well, the last time I checked, I was a guy. Thanks, though, I think."

I then laughed and told the story to my father, before this guy - an Ohio State wrestler supposedly - spoke to my father and told him the same thing he told me.

So, what is it? My Hollywood hairstyle? My rosy cheeks? My dimples? My hairy legs? Whatever it is, I may need to make some changes if I want to give people the perception that I am indeed a male. Perhaps this is why I've had some trouble with women in the past - because when they look at me, they think to themselves, "He's so pretty. I can't date a guy who's prettier than me. I'm sorry. I just can't. I wonder what's wrong with him. Maybe he's into guys. Yeah, that has to be it."

Yeah, maybe I'll go ahead and make the following changes:

- Grow a beard which would make ZZ Top jealous

- Wear camouflage pants so much, people start calling me General

- Wear shirts that read, "I did your girlfriend last night and I'm not gay, so yeah, you figure out whether I'm a guy or a gal"

- Add so much weight I put beer bellies to shame

- Get a tattoo of a Harley Davidson on my face

- Eat and drink so sloppily in front of people, it appears as if I got more on my clothing and around my mouth than actually in it

Yeah, these changes will take a great deal of effort on my part, but I'm confident that if and when I choose to make them, I'll finally be seen as a heterosexual male. Perhaps I should start this mission by changing the final two words of the previous sentence to manly man. There, that's better...

Boycotting jukeboxes because of TouchTunes

I love music and enjoy hitting the bar(s) over the weekend, so naturally, when the mood strikes me, I've never been coy about playing some songs on the jukebox. This past Thursday, a friend of mine turned 50, so several friends of her's, including myself, all met up to celebrate the occasion. At around 9:30, a friend of mine and I both chipped in $5 to play some songs on the jukebox. Four hours and 231 skips later, we gave up on hearing the songs we had selected, and went home knowing we had just wasted $5. This wasn't the first time such a thing had happened to me (and many others), and due to that, I'll be boycotting jukeboxes. Why? The scam known as TouchTunes. You see, here's how the plot typically breaks down. A person (or group of people) downloads the TouchTunes app on his/her phone, consumes one too many adult beverages, and due to this, has less care for spending extra money to hear the songs of their choosing right NOW. That's the thing with TouchTun

The difference between "looking" and "checking out"

I may be way off with these numbers, but it's my approximation that at least 75% of individuals whom are involved in a serious relationship feel it's perfectly acceptable to "check out" members of the opposite sex they're not involved with. Meanwhile, approximately 25% either don't feel this is acceptable or aren't sure about the matter. I hadn't thought about this matter for a while, but since I've been dating a woman for about 8 months, the topic has been pondered about some. When reading or hearing others discuss this very issue, I often times hear comments similar to the following: "It's human nature to look." "There's nothing wrong with checking others out. I'm sure he/she does it too!" "It's fine to do it. Just don't tell your boyfriend/girlfriend about it or do it in front of them!" "It's natural to find people attractive." When observing the array of comments, I i

The verdict is in. To no one's surprise, Jonathan Hoenig has been found guilty of being an idiot.

Just recently, when discussing the Michael Brown shooting and whether or not race had anything to do with it, Fox News contributor Jonathan Hoenig said, "You know who talks about race? Racists." One moment while I provide Mr. Hoenig with the well deserved slow-clap. :: slow-claps for two seconds :: So, that was quite the line by Mr. Hoenig, wasn't it? "You know who talks about race? Racists." Well, wasn't he just talking about race? So, by his own words, I guess that makes him a racist. Also, if he wants to be consistent, does this mean that people whom talk about gender are sexists and people whom talk about sexual orientation are homophobes? With that line of thinking, Hoenig would engage in the following back-and-forths: Hoenig: "So, who are you voting for?" A woman: "The Democratic candidate, because he's been adamant about his support for equal rights for women." Hoenig: "You sexist feminist nazi!"

The Kind-Hearted Smart Aleck

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