Strange stories seem to follow me wherever I go. This is especially true when I go to bars on Friday or Saturday nights. For a while there, Vegas odds were at 1 : 1 that I would get asked by at least one person if I was gay. These were typically complete strangers, whom, after talking to me for 5 minutes, felt the need to ask what my sexuality was. There was another time when a woman at a bachelorette party pointed over in my direction, walked over, grabbed me by the head, and tried to french kiss me. A drunk woman tried setting me up with her mother at another point, who seemed embarrassed by it. Not too long ago, I got hit on by a married Jewish woman and a Hispanic guy the same night. Yes, for whatever reason, strange situations seem to follow me around like paparazzi's do celebrities.
This trend continued last Wednesday night when some family of mine and I went out for a bit. Some family of mine came into town that afternoon for Thanksgiving weekend and we headed to a benefit concert that evening. Toward the end of the concert, two apparently drunk guys stood next to me, before one said the following to me:
"So, my buddy and I were just talking. Are you a dude or a chick? You're too pretty to be a guy. You should have been in that boy band that played earlier."
I can only imagine my facial expression upon hearing this. I simply responded with, "Well, the last time I checked, I was a guy. Thanks, though, I think."
I then laughed and told the story to my father, before this guy - an Ohio State wrestler supposedly - spoke to my father and told him the same thing he told me.
So, what is it? My Hollywood hairstyle? My rosy cheeks? My dimples? My hairy legs? Whatever it is, I may need to make some changes if I want to give people the perception that I am indeed a male. Perhaps this is why I've had some trouble with women in the past - because when they look at me, they think to themselves, "He's so pretty. I can't date a guy who's prettier than me. I'm sorry. I just can't. I wonder what's wrong with him. Maybe he's into guys. Yeah, that has to be it."
Yeah, maybe I'll go ahead and make the following changes:
- Grow a beard which would make ZZ Top jealous
- Wear camouflage pants so much, people start calling me General
- Wear shirts that read, "I did your girlfriend last night and I'm not gay, so yeah, you figure out whether I'm a guy or a gal"
- Add so much weight I put beer bellies to shame
- Get a tattoo of a Harley Davidson on my face
- Eat and drink so sloppily in front of people, it appears as if I got more on my clothing and around my mouth than actually in it
Yeah, these changes will take a great deal of effort on my part, but I'm confident that if and when I choose to make them, I'll finally be seen as a heterosexual male. Perhaps I should start this mission by changing the final two words of the previous sentence to manly man. There, that's better...
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