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Celebrities' New Year's Resolutions

Ann Coulter - To be named the sexiest transgender alien in the new magazine Almost Human

 Rob Ford - To consume more Coca-Cola than cocaine

Mitt Romney - To audition for the part of Johnny 5 in a remake of the film Short Circuit

 Rick Santorum - To introduce a new cologne featuring his last name and the tagline, "Rubbing Santorum on your body never smelled so good."

Dane Cook - To tell a knock-knock joke that lasts under 25 minutes

Adam Sandler - To star in a film which is watched by more people from the ages of 15 to 17 than those 13 to 14

Megyn Kelly - To search the world for the real Santa Claus to prove the fictional being is white

Eli Manning - To win the Super Bowl on Madden on rookie level with his New York Giants

Tim Tebow - To win a contest called Can You Throw a Football Better Than a 3-Year Old?

 Ted Cruz - To prove Obamacare was responsible for the Holocaust

Weatherpeople - To be right 5% of the time

Chuck Norris - To prove he can do one of the many things people say he can do

Hugh Grant - To play a character that doesn't rhyme with the words pew slant

Phil Robertson - To write a book called How I Know Jesus Loves Everyone But Hates Gays

 Charlie Sheen - To appear on Duck Dynasty and just before the end of the show, look around at the cast of characters and say, "...and here you thought I was f**kin' crazy? Winning!"
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