Fox News' War on Christmas seems misguided

With another year almost complete, upon us is another year in the War on Christmas, so says Fox News and its followers. From people abbreviating Christmas to Xmas to "Merry Christmas" becoming "Happy Holidays" to Christmas trees being called holiday trees, the spirit of the Christmas season is obviously becoming no more. Christmas should be a time to celebrate family, tradition, commercialism, and the Jesus. Yes, we've taken the Christ out of Christmas, but not through silly symbolic measures such as abbreviations. No, if Fox News and the like want to go after people for waging a war against Christmas, perhaps they should look elsewhere, which this following story should illustrate:

Setting: Outside of a Wal-Mart just before Black Friday begins

::Wal-Mart officially opens on Black Friday::

Cindy Christ: ::pushes people:: "Out of my way! Get the hell out of my way, people! Hey, you over there - you better not be going for that doll! That's mine!"

Jessica Magdalene: "No, it's not! It's mine now! That's just too bad, isn't it?"

Cindy: "Give me that!" ::attempts pulling it away from Jessica::

Jessica: "No, it's mine - all mine! I'm giving it to my daughter! Go find something else!"

Cindy: ::smacks Jessica across the face and takes the doll: "That's what you think, you selfish b**ch!"

Jessica: ::jumps on Cindy's back, trying to take her down:: "Oh, no, you didn't! You're not going to get away that easy! Give it back! Give it back! I had it first!"

Cindy: "Get off of me, you fat cow! Go find another doll, or some Slim-Fast. At your size, if you slim down fast at all, you'll be down to 350 lbs. within a week!"

Jessica: "What? Take it back! Take it back!"

::the two start wrestling on the floor::

Walter Evil: "Ladies, ladies... Come on, now. Is this the way to behave? Here, there was one more doll hidden behind a few things. Here you are. Now you can both have one for your daughters or whoever you'll be giving them to."

::the two ladies get up and nod toward one another, as they continue huffing and puffing::

Walter: "There. That's better. Now let's all continue our shopping in a peaceful manner. What do you say?"

Cindy: "Okay, that sounds good. Thanks, sir. Merry Christmas."

Jessica: "Yeah, thanks. Merry Christmas."

Walter: "Happy Holidays to you both! Take care."

::the two ladies look at one another::

Cindy: "What? Don't you dare take Christ out of Christmas!"

Jessica: "Yeah! You heathen! Let's get him!"

::the two ladies start pouncing on the guy like Sugar Ray Leonard::

Walter: "Stop it! Please! You're hurting me! What did I do?"

Cindy: "You said Happy Holidays!"

::continues punching him::

Jessica: "Yeah! Take it back! Say Merry Christmas!"

Walter: "I don't understand! Please stop this!"

Jessica: "Say Merry Christmas!"

Walter: "Okay, alright, Merry Christmas."

::the two ladies get up::

Cindy: "There, was that so hard?"

Jessica: "Yeah, geez, those frickin' atheists. Wanna go grab a bite to eat?"

Cindy: "Yeah, I'm getting pretty hungry too. Alright, let's buy these dolls and go."

::Jessica pushes Walter down one more time::

Jessica: "A*shole!"

Boycotting jukeboxes because of TouchTunes

I love music and enjoy hitting the bar(s) over the weekend, so naturally, when the mood strikes me, I've never been coy about playing some songs on the jukebox. This past Thursday, a friend of mine turned 50, so several friends of her's, including myself, all met up to celebrate the occasion. At around 9:30, a friend of mine and I both chipped in $5 to play some songs on the jukebox. Four hours and 231 skips later, we gave up on hearing the songs we had selected, and went home knowing we had just wasted $5. This wasn't the first time such a thing had happened to me (and many others), and due to that, I'll be boycotting jukeboxes. Why? The scam known as TouchTunes. You see, here's how the plot typically breaks down. A person (or group of people) downloads the TouchTunes app on his/her phone, consumes one too many adult beverages, and due to this, has less care for spending extra money to hear the songs of their choosing right NOW. That's the thing with TouchTun

The difference between "looking" and "checking out"

I may be way off with these numbers, but it's my approximation that at least 75% of individuals whom are involved in a serious relationship feel it's perfectly acceptable to "check out" members of the opposite sex they're not involved with. Meanwhile, approximately 25% either don't feel this is acceptable or aren't sure about the matter. I hadn't thought about this matter for a while, but since I've been dating a woman for about 8 months, the topic has been pondered about some. When reading or hearing others discuss this very issue, I often times hear comments similar to the following: "It's human nature to look." "There's nothing wrong with checking others out. I'm sure he/she does it too!" "It's fine to do it. Just don't tell your boyfriend/girlfriend about it or do it in front of them!" "It's natural to find people attractive." When observing the array of comments, I i

The verdict is in. To no one's surprise, Jonathan Hoenig has been found guilty of being an idiot.

Just recently, when discussing the Michael Brown shooting and whether or not race had anything to do with it, Fox News contributor Jonathan Hoenig said, "You know who talks about race? Racists." One moment while I provide Mr. Hoenig with the well deserved slow-clap. :: slow-claps for two seconds :: So, that was quite the line by Mr. Hoenig, wasn't it? "You know who talks about race? Racists." Well, wasn't he just talking about race? So, by his own words, I guess that makes him a racist. Also, if he wants to be consistent, does this mean that people whom talk about gender are sexists and people whom talk about sexual orientation are homophobes? With that line of thinking, Hoenig would engage in the following back-and-forths: Hoenig: "So, who are you voting for?" A woman: "The Democratic candidate, because he's been adamant about his support for equal rights for women." Hoenig: "You sexist feminist nazi!"

The Kind-Hearted Smart Aleck

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