I may not be religious, but it still cracks me up sometimes to hear people describe themselves as "God-fearing." The reason for this is because, regardless of what a former druggie says he witnesses during a flashback, I've personally never seen nor heard "God," so when someone says they're "God-fearing," my first thought is, "Okay then. So, what you're saying is you fear someone you've never seen nor heard? An invisible man so to speak? Interesting..."
When thinking about it, this thought-process isn't so far removed from many kids whom fear a boogeyman - a monster in their closet or under their bed. No, they may not be able to see or hear this beast, yet they're so frightened by this figment of their imagination, they swear they can hear it. In fact, let's further compare the two beliefs, shall we?
Setting: A little boy screams while in bed late at night
Joseph Pansyazz (the father): "What's wrong? Are you okay?"
Joey Pansyazz, Jr. (yes, the son): "I'm scared..."
Father Pansyazz: "How come?"
Little Pansyazz: "I heard something scary over there..." :: points toward his closet ::
Father Pansyazz: "In your closet?"
Little Pansyazz: :: nods :: "I think a big monster is in there."
Father Pansyazz: "Oh, Joey, I promise you - there's nothing to worry about. Here, let me turn the light on, open the closet door for you, and you'll see there's no monster in there, okay?"
Little Pansyazz: "No! He'll eat you and then he'll eat me! Don't do it, dad!"
Father Pansyazz: "Trust me." :: turns the light on, opens the closet door :: "Ahhhh! Just kidding. You see there, Joey? There's nothing in there, well, besides some clothes and stuff. Okay? Think you can go to sleep now?"
Little Pansyazz: "You scared him away! Thanks, dad! You're the greatest!"
Father Pansyazz: "Anytime. Now, please get some sleep. Your mom and I were in the middle of trying to get you a brother or sister."
Little Pansyazz: "What?!?"
Father Pansyazz: "Oh, nothing. Just try and get some sleep." :: he and his wife start going at it ::
Little Pansyazz: "Ahh! There's that scary sound again!"
Setting: A man talking to his shrink
Dr. Hezekiah Lipshitz: "So, what seems to be the problem?"
Joseph Pansyazz, Sr.: "I'm scared, doctor."
Dr. Lipshitz: "Scared of what exactly?"
Mr. Pansyazz: "God"
Dr. Lipshitz: "Hmm... Interesting... So, what about 'God' frightens you so much?"
Mr. Pansyazz: "Oh, I'm sure you know why. You know the story..."
Dr. Lipshitz: "Pretend I don't. Why don't you tell me this story and we can get at the root of the problem here."
Mr. Pansyazz: "Okay, well, I'm a Christian. I go to church every Sunday, I pray every day, I listen to gospel music, the Catholic radio station, and even watch re-runs of Touched By an Angel."
Dr. Lipshitz: "A woman by the name of Angel touched me once."
Mr. Pansyazz: "What?"
Dr. Lipshitz: "Oh, nothing. Let's get on with the story. I'm not asking for an autobiography, though. Tell me the story of God as you see it and hopefully we can figure out why you fear him so much."
Mr. Pansyazz: "Okay, well, a virgin woman named Mary birthed a perfect baby by the name of Jesus. He then took upon all of our sins by sacrificing himself on a cross so that we can one day live with him in heaven for all eternity. He then rose from the dead three days later. However, if we don't follow his lead, we don't believe in and worship him, then we're doomed to a fiery dungeon known as hell for all eternity."
Dr. Lipshitz: "So, if you believe this story and do believe in and worship this entity, why are you so scared?"
Mr. Pansyazz: "What if, after I die, God doesn't approve of me? What if he solely focuses on that one time I peeked in the girl's bathroom back in high school with the rest of the guys and teachers, or the time I said the lord's name in vain while watching Survivor, or that one time I messed up the lyrics to the hymn 'He Is Lord' while being hungover on Apple Pucker's, or that one time I had a sexual fantasy about Ricky Martin while with my wife on our honeymoon? I don't want to burn for all eternity! ...and what if Jesus comes back for his second-coming and I'm not saved then?"
Dr. Lipshitz: "They're there now, Mr. Pansyazz. Tell me, have you ever seen God?"
Mr. Pansyazz: "Just in some pictures, I guess"
Dr. Lipshitz: "Have you ever heard his voice?"
Mr. Pansyazz: "In movies and shows and stuff"
Dr. Lipshitz: "Well then, don't you think it's a little silly to be so frightened of a person you've never seen nor spoke to before?"
Mr. Pansyazz: "I don't know..."
Dr. Lipshitz: "Tell me, Mr. Pansyazz, do you have any kids?"
Mr. Pansyazz: "Yes, Joey, Jr."
Dr. Lipshitz: "Has he ever gotten scared about a monster under his bed or anything of the sort?"
Mr. Pansyazz: "Yes, actually"
Dr. Lipshitz: "And what did you tell him?"
Mr. Pansyazz: "That there wasn't a monster, I then turned on the light, opened the closet, and showed him there wasn't anything to be scared of."
Dr. Lipshitz: "There you have it. Perhaps you should take your own advice here, Mr. Pansyazz."
Mr. Pansyazz: "Turn on the light and open the closet door? But, the light's already on..."
Dr. Lipshitz: "No... Nevermind. You'll be alright, Mr. Pansyazz. Trust me. Well, that's all the time we have for today. That'll be $200."
Mr. Pansyazz: "Thanks, Dr. Lipshitz. I think I feel a little better."
Dr. Lipshitz: "And thank you, Mr. Pansyazz, for being just like your kid and giving me some easy money. If you ever hear a monster in your closet, don't hesitate to come back."
When thinking about it, this thought-process isn't so far removed from many kids whom fear a boogeyman - a monster in their closet or under their bed. No, they may not be able to see or hear this beast, yet they're so frightened by this figment of their imagination, they swear they can hear it. In fact, let's further compare the two beliefs, shall we?
Setting: A little boy screams while in bed late at night
Joseph Pansyazz (the father): "What's wrong? Are you okay?"
Joey Pansyazz, Jr. (yes, the son): "I'm scared..."
Father Pansyazz: "How come?"
Little Pansyazz: "I heard something scary over there..." :: points toward his closet ::
Father Pansyazz: "In your closet?"
Little Pansyazz: :: nods :: "I think a big monster is in there."
Father Pansyazz: "Oh, Joey, I promise you - there's nothing to worry about. Here, let me turn the light on, open the closet door for you, and you'll see there's no monster in there, okay?"
Little Pansyazz: "No! He'll eat you and then he'll eat me! Don't do it, dad!"
Father Pansyazz: "Trust me." :: turns the light on, opens the closet door :: "Ahhhh! Just kidding. You see there, Joey? There's nothing in there, well, besides some clothes and stuff. Okay? Think you can go to sleep now?"
Little Pansyazz: "You scared him away! Thanks, dad! You're the greatest!"
Father Pansyazz: "Anytime. Now, please get some sleep. Your mom and I were in the middle of trying to get you a brother or sister."
Little Pansyazz: "What?!?"
Father Pansyazz: "Oh, nothing. Just try and get some sleep." :: he and his wife start going at it ::
Little Pansyazz: "Ahh! There's that scary sound again!"
Setting: A man talking to his shrink
Dr. Hezekiah Lipshitz: "So, what seems to be the problem?"
Joseph Pansyazz, Sr.: "I'm scared, doctor."
Dr. Lipshitz: "Scared of what exactly?"
Mr. Pansyazz: "God"
Dr. Lipshitz: "Hmm... Interesting... So, what about 'God' frightens you so much?"
Mr. Pansyazz: "Oh, I'm sure you know why. You know the story..."
Dr. Lipshitz: "Pretend I don't. Why don't you tell me this story and we can get at the root of the problem here."
Mr. Pansyazz: "Okay, well, I'm a Christian. I go to church every Sunday, I pray every day, I listen to gospel music, the Catholic radio station, and even watch re-runs of Touched By an Angel."
Dr. Lipshitz: "A woman by the name of Angel touched me once."
Mr. Pansyazz: "What?"
Dr. Lipshitz: "Oh, nothing. Let's get on with the story. I'm not asking for an autobiography, though. Tell me the story of God as you see it and hopefully we can figure out why you fear him so much."
Mr. Pansyazz: "Okay, well, a virgin woman named Mary birthed a perfect baby by the name of Jesus. He then took upon all of our sins by sacrificing himself on a cross so that we can one day live with him in heaven for all eternity. He then rose from the dead three days later. However, if we don't follow his lead, we don't believe in and worship him, then we're doomed to a fiery dungeon known as hell for all eternity."
Dr. Lipshitz: "So, if you believe this story and do believe in and worship this entity, why are you so scared?"
Mr. Pansyazz: "What if, after I die, God doesn't approve of me? What if he solely focuses on that one time I peeked in the girl's bathroom back in high school with the rest of the guys and teachers, or the time I said the lord's name in vain while watching Survivor, or that one time I messed up the lyrics to the hymn 'He Is Lord' while being hungover on Apple Pucker's, or that one time I had a sexual fantasy about Ricky Martin while with my wife on our honeymoon? I don't want to burn for all eternity! ...and what if Jesus comes back for his second-coming and I'm not saved then?"
Dr. Lipshitz: "They're there now, Mr. Pansyazz. Tell me, have you ever seen God?"
Mr. Pansyazz: "Just in some pictures, I guess"
Dr. Lipshitz: "Have you ever heard his voice?"
Mr. Pansyazz: "In movies and shows and stuff"
Dr. Lipshitz: "Well then, don't you think it's a little silly to be so frightened of a person you've never seen nor spoke to before?"
Mr. Pansyazz: "I don't know..."
Dr. Lipshitz: "Tell me, Mr. Pansyazz, do you have any kids?"
Mr. Pansyazz: "Yes, Joey, Jr."
Dr. Lipshitz: "Has he ever gotten scared about a monster under his bed or anything of the sort?"
Mr. Pansyazz: "Yes, actually"
Dr. Lipshitz: "And what did you tell him?"
Mr. Pansyazz: "That there wasn't a monster, I then turned on the light, opened the closet, and showed him there wasn't anything to be scared of."
Dr. Lipshitz: "There you have it. Perhaps you should take your own advice here, Mr. Pansyazz."
Mr. Pansyazz: "Turn on the light and open the closet door? But, the light's already on..."
Dr. Lipshitz: "No... Nevermind. You'll be alright, Mr. Pansyazz. Trust me. Well, that's all the time we have for today. That'll be $200."
Mr. Pansyazz: "Thanks, Dr. Lipshitz. I think I feel a little better."
Dr. Lipshitz: "And thank you, Mr. Pansyazz, for being just like your kid and giving me some easy money. If you ever hear a monster in your closet, don't hesitate to come back."
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