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Ben Carson unveils radical domestic Middle East strategy

After receiving heated criticism due to his foreign policy adviser, Duane Clarridge, claiming the former neurosurgeon knew less about the Middle East than a puppy knows about calculus, Ben Carson outlined a new strategy in an attempt to quiet his detractors.

When I caught up with the GOP candidate and asked for him to elaborate on the matter, this is what he said:

"The Middle East is a very dangerous part of this country and we need to do everything in our power to remove its belt buckle, stab it several times, and make sure it does no further harm on our people. In order to do this and bring peace within the region, we need to go after two main groups: the radical Quakers and the Amish extremists. These terrorists reside all throughout the Middle East portion of the United States, from Pennsylvania to somewhere south of there, like maybe Maine or Hawaii. Once we root out the masterminds of these two terrorist groups, you know, the head Quakers and Amishites, we can again feel safe in this great nation. That's all I have for now. I just felt the need to prove my adviser and critics wrong once again. Now I must be going to do my daily eye-opening exercises. I reached an all-time high of five yesterday. Hopefully I can make that six today."

When I asked an Amish couple in a horse & buggy about Mr. Carson's statements, they simply suggested I lay off the drugs.

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