Republicans hope amnesia is contagious

As I've done all throughout this election season, I watched both Republican debates on Tuesday night. If there three themes from GOP debate #4, they were: 1) 99% of responses must include the name "Hillary Clinton" at least once, 2) Deflect to success should be one of the Republican Party's slogans, and 3) It's the GOP's wish that amnesia is contagious. Here now is a satire on how I viewed the debates from Tuesday night.

Neil Cavuto: "Welcome to the fourth Republican presidential debate. I want all of the candidates to relax, have fun, and feel reassured I won't be coming at them with too many gotcha questions, After all, I still plan on taking you all out to that club later in the evening for free lap-dances...which I will be providing. On that note, let's start with Donald Trump. Mr. Trump, how do you feel about Democrats' push to raise the minimum wage to $15?"

Donald Trump: "It's stupid, just like everything else that comes out of Democrats' mouths. The minimum wage is too high as it is. I mean, come on, people. If I can make it on a tiny tiny tiny tiny $1 million loan from my father, anybody can!"

John Kasich: "Don't listen to this guy. It's something we have to think about. Prices are going up, so if wages don't go up along with them, how are people supposed to afford to make a decent living for themselves?"

Trump: "Nobody cares what you think. Look, I'm up here, and you're way down there, so low, you're practically sniffing my balls, loser."

Kasich: "I don't have to listen to this crap."

Jeb Bush: "Can I get a turn to talk please? "

Kasich: "I wasn't finished. I'm just going to repeat what I said in all the other debates once again. I balanced a budget in Washington, in Ohio, and will do it a third time as President of the United States of America."

Trump: "Hey, Kaschmuck, let the guy talk."

Bush: "Thanks, Donald. You are a very generous man. If I were gay..."

Trump: "I know. us billionaires, we uh, we, uh, we is generous, you know? Go ahead..."

Bush: "Thank you. I'd like to start with a joke. So I bumped into this lady in Iowa whose last name was Bush. I said, 'Hey, I'm a Bush too.' Then she said, 'Yeah, that's what she said,' and I said, 'No, I said that and I'm not a she.' I guess you had to be there."

Cavuto: "Okay then. Next, let's turn our attention to Carly Fiorina. Ms. Fiorina. you've been an ardent opponent of Obamacare. If you become president and repeal Obamacare, what will you do to replace it?"

Carly Fiorina: "Yes, that's the first thing we need to do - repeal Obamacare!"

Cavuto: "Right, yes, okay, but if it did get repealed, what would you do to replace it?"

Fiorina: "Let me tell you a story about a lovely lady. This lady was bringing up three very lovely girls. They all had hair of gold just like their mother, the youngest one in curls."

Cavuto: "Aren't those the lyrics to the Brady Bunch theme song? What would you specifically do if you repealed Obamacare?"

Fiorina: "Okay, Neil, let me tell you another story. This one is about a man named Brady, who was extraordinarily busy bringing up three boys of his own. They were four men, all living together, yet, in an odd way, they were all alone, all because of Obamacare!"

Cavuto: "Interesting... Senator Cruz, if you became president, what is the first thing you'd do?"

Ted Cruz: "Your wife..."

Cavuto: "Senator Cruz, please, have a little respect..."

Cruz: "Okay, fine, fine... I'll do five things: 1) repeal Obamacare, 2) deregulate all environmental protections, 3) lower taxes for the wealthy, 4) repeal Obamacare, and 5) lower taxes for the wealthy."

Cavuto: "So, three things..."

Cruz: "No, five"

Cavuto: "Three..."

Cruz: "You apparently weren't listening; it was five."

Cavuto: "Very well... Mr. Carson, you've had an interesting week. Care to respond to some of the claims you weren't fully honest in your autobiography?"

Ben Carson: "First off, thank you for not asking me about that time when I was ten, told my best friend I wanted to give him brain surgery, and reenacted the shower scene from Psycho on him instead."

Cavuto: "Say what?"

Carson: "Thank you for not asking about that. My friend died that day and I'm the one who killed him. Anyway, what was your question again?"

Cavuto: "I'm kind of speechless at the moment. I think it had to do with your autobiography..."

Carson: "Oh, yes, that's right. Well, you know who is a real liar? Hillary Clinton. She lied about having sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky for one."

Cavuto: "That was her husband, Bill Clinton..."

Carson: "Look, the point is she lied. I'm not perfect, but she lied. Hillary Clinton lied! Hillary Clinton lied! Hillary Clinton lied!"

Cavuto: "Okay, moving on... Senator Paul, what would you do to help reduce the deficit?"

Rand Paul: "Well, I know what I say here won't be popular, but the fact of the matter is we spend as much on our military as the next ten countries combined. We can decrease what we spend on the military and still have the best military in the world."

Marco Rubio: "I'd like to butt in here. What the hell is wrong with you? Where were you on 9/11? Have you been in the Middle East recently? Have you tried bowling with ISIS? Yeah, the ball they give you will be filled with a bomb! We CANNOT decrease military funding! If we do, they're going to come and get me, get you, get your family, get everything!"

Paul: "Let's try to be reasonable for a second here. I'm not saying we should completely defund the military and that we shouldn't try to do everything we can to keep our country safe. What I'm saying is..."

Rubio: "You're part of ISIS, aren't you? Arrest this funny looking man! He's one of them!"

Paul: "Let's not get into a pissing contest, Marco."

Rubio: "My dick is bigger than yours, buddy!"

Cavuto: "Stop it, gentlemen..."

Cruz: "Hey, Carly, speaking of penises, do you wanna play the penis game, but with the word crony? I'll start... Crony!"

Fiorina: "Crony!!!"

Cruz: "CRONY!"

Fiorina: "CRONY!!!"

Cavuto: "What the heck is going on here? Let's skip forward to the final statements. Senator Paul, we'll start with you."

Paul: "I'm the only truly fiscal conservative up here. I'm the only one who has never spent a single dollar he earned. I actually live underground in a place I called Chia's Paradise."

Kasich: "I really don't know what to say anymore. Everyone else up here is cuckoo bananas. What is this, some kind of reality show? Well, I got news for everyone out there; this may be funny, but it's reality, so just remember that when you think about voting for Tweedle Dee, Tweedle Dum, or Tweedle Trump."

Fiorina: "I'm now going to speak in the third person and utter random words. Carly Forina is going to kick Hillary Clinton's ass hard! Accountability! Socialism! Tyranny! Obamacare! Planned Parenthood! Socialism! This has been Carly Fiorina, bitches."

Bush: "These are scary times. You know when times were good? When my brother was president! Enough with all this job growth, healthcare expansion. and no attacks on our soil! Bring back the times of turning surpluses into record deficits, of attacks on our soil, of the Great Recession!"

Cruz: "We cannot have a government that gets things done. We need a government that doesn't do anything, and I promise, if you elect me president, I won't just shut down the federal government for a couple weeks; I'll shut it down permanently!"

Rubio: "Paranoia, paranoia, everybody's coming to get me!"

Carson: "Through these two hours in the debate, 7 million people lost brain cells; 2 million people decided to watch something more educational, like a cartoon; and 3 million people fell asleep while I was talking."

Trump: "I win; you lose. I'm awesome; you suck. Vote for me and you'll suck a little less! You're welcome!"

Cavuto: "...and that's all the time we have for today. Thank you for joining us. I've gotta be going. I've got some lap-dances to give. Goodnight."