Podcast: "I Feel Snitty"
Episode 8: "Don Didn't Build That!"
Premiere Date: 9/4/19
Length: 19:45 (2,992 words)
Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/don-didnt-build-that/
Transcript:
Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 8, entitled, “Don Didn’t Build That.” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki. Today I’ll be dissecting Donald Trump’s seemingly constant self-praise, proving once and for all the claims he makes on his alleged positive accomplishments are nothing more than riding Barack Obama’s coattails harder than a frat brother on steroids rides a mechanical bull after doing 16 Jaegerbomb shots.
I’ll start each dissection with a quote made by Trump pertaining to the category at hand, starting with the unemployment rate.
Trump once said, “And when we got those great reports, I kept saying, you know, those numbers - whether it’s 4.2, 4.3 - I said for a long time they don’t matter. But now I accept those numbers very proudly. I say they do matter. But we’re doing very well with companies. We’re really moving along.”
When President Obama took office in January of 2009, the unemployment rate was at 7.8% and moving in the wrong direction. It reached a high of 10.0% in October of 2010. By the time Obama left office, the rate had decreased to 4.7%, a decrease of 53.0%. As reported in August of this year, the unemployment rate was at 3.7%, a decrease of 21.3%. In order for Trump to match Obama in this category, the unemployment rate would need to shrink to 2.2%, which is less likely than a tortoise winning a race in a sequel to the story - this one entitled, “The Tortoise and the Cheetah.”
Up next on the slate is job creation, to which Trump has said, “Me and my administration have launched an unprecedented economic boom. Our country is vibrant and our economy is thriving like never before.”
When President Obama took the reigns from George W. Bush in 2009, he was handed the 12th consecutive month of job losses. 783,000 jobs were lost in January of that year alone and 4.348 million combined jobs were lost in those 12 months, an average of 362,333 per. In Barack Obama’s final 30 months as president, 6.611 million jobs were created, an average of 220,367 per month. Donald Trump’s first 30 months in office? 5.736 million jobs were created or 191,200 per month. In addition to that, leading up to Trump’s inauguration, if we include the month of January, in which Obama was president for roughly two-thirds of it, Donald Trump was handed 76 consecutive months of job growth, which added up to 15.322 million, or 201,605 per month. So not only did President Obama average to create approximately 30,000 more jobs per month in his final 30 months than Trump did in his first 30, he averaged to create about 10,000 more jobs than Trump over the span of his final 76 months, compared to Trump’s first 30. This was coming on the heels of the worst recession since the Great Depression. When Barack Obama entered the Oval Office being handed a literal lemon for an automobile. When Donald Trump entered office, he was handed a Ferrari, only to say he turned a lemon into a Ferrari.
Up next? Manufacturing jobs. During his campaign and throughout his first term, Donald Trump has declared that he’s going to bring manufacturing jobs back. As he himself said, “We’re most proud of the fact - you look at the car companies, they’re moving back, they’re going into Michigan, they’re going into Pennsylvania, they’re going back to Ohio, so many companies are coming back.”
The fact of the matter is manufacturing jobs had been on the decline even since before the recession. There were 14.213 million manufacturing jobs in this country as of June, 2006. We then went through 44 consecutive months of job losses on that front, 31 before Barack Obama was even inaugurated. In those 31 months of job losses preceding Obama, that totaled 1.652 million manufacturing jobs. In the 13 months post-Obama, during the recession, we lost another 1.108 million. On average, that’s a loss of 53,290 and 85,231 manufacturing jobs per month, respectively. When the skid stopped, we found ourselves at 11.453 million manufacturing jobs. But like with the rest of the economy, things began to bounce back in a positive direction under Obama, as he added 915,000 manufacturing jobs after February, 2010, an average of 11,159 per month. Also, after experiencing 44 consecutive months of losses, under Obama, we went on to see growth in the sector in 64 of his final 82 months as president (78.0%). Through July of this year, 496,000 manufacturing jobs have been added under Donald Trump, an average of 16,533 per month. So if we look at how things improved from the peak of the recession, the increase of manufacturing jobs under Obama increased by 113.1%, whereas they increased by 48.2% under Trump. Trump would need to increase the monthly job output in this sector to 23,779.8 in order to match his predecessor. The way things have been trending over the past 13+ years, I’ll win the lottery before that happens.
If there’s one thing Donald Trump likes to talk about more than jobs and unemployment rate, it’s the stock market. He’s even gone so far as to say, and this is a direct quote, “The reason our stock market is so successful is because of me.” If nothing else, he certainly is modest…
On October 9th of 2007, the Dow Jones was at 14,164.53. Then the recession happened. At its peak, on March 6th of 2009, the Dow was at 6,469.95. It had gone down a staggering 53.3% in less than a year and a half. Under President Obama, however, things turned around and in a big way, as on the day he left office, it had increased an incredible 206.5%, to 19,827.25. As of August 30th of this year, the Dow was at 26,403.28, an increase of 33.2% since Obama left the White House. In order for Trump to match Obama here, he’d have to see the Dow increase to, get this, 60,770.50. Allow me to repeat that. Donald Trump loves taking credit for the stock market. He’s even said he’s the reason it’s so successful. In order for him to reach the same level of success in the stock market as Barack Obama did, he’d have to see it increase from 26,403.28 to 60,770.50. I’m not even sure God dressed up as a wizard could work that kind of magic.
Trump has also taken credit for lower unemployment rates among African-, Hispanic-, and Asian-Americans. With regard to these demographics and rates, he’s said all of the following: “The unemployment of African-Americans is the lowest, best in the history of the United States. No president has come close to doing this before.,” Hispanic-American unemployment has also reached the lowest levels in history,” and “The Asian-American community has never been stronger than under president Trump’s leadership. Millions of Asian-Americans have secured access to the strongest economy in modern history, with the Asian-American unemployment rate hitting a record low under the leadership of President Trump.” Okay, so a Trump spokesperson actually uttered that last quote, but I just wanted to bust out the Trump impression again and I wanted listeners to envision the president speaking in the third person yet again, at least for a moment.
As is typical of anyone in this administration, Trump and his spokesperson only tell part of the story here. At the height of the recession, African-American unemployment was at 16.8%, Hispanic unemployment was at 12.9%, and Asian-American unemployment was at 8.4%. When Obama left office, those numbers were 7.7%, 5.8%, and 3.7%, respectively - decreases of 54.2%, 55.0%, and 56.0%. The current unemployment numbers for those communities are 6.0% for African-Americans, a decrease of 22.1%; 4.5% for Hispanics, a decrease of 22.4%; and 2.8% for Asian-Americans, a decrease of 24.3%. In order for Trump to match Obama with these demographics, he’d need to see unemployment rates decrease to 3.5%, 2.6%, and 1.6%. Yeah, as soon as I see a pig named Crispy Bacon fly, that’s when I’ll believe those numbers are achievable.
Food stamps is another divisive issue among Trump and his minions. They tend to like to blame Obama for a rise in food stamp recipients, glossing past the fact said numbers exponentially increased due to the recession. Regarding the topic, Trump has said, “The food stamp program was originally created as temporary assistance for families with momentary times of need and it shouldn’t be needed often. But when half of food stamp recipients have been on the dole for nearly a decade, something is clearly wrong, and some of it has to do with fraud.”
Food stamp recipients increased from 33.490 million in 2009 to 47.636 million in 2013. Once we started rebounding from the recession, however, as logic would dictate, fewer people were in need of food stamps. In each of Barack Obama’s final four years in office, we saw a decreased number in food stamp recipients. By the time he left office, we were down to 42.173 million such recipients, a decrease of 11.5% since the peak of the recession. That number has since decreased an additional 6.0% since Trump took over, as we’re now down to 39.652 million. He’d need to decrease that to 37.323 million if he wants to match Obama. This is probably the most doable of the 9 categories I have or will dissect. However, given Trump’s track record on positive accomplishments, I wouldn’t even place a penny-bet on him doing so here.
Lastly in my Trump-accomplishment-claims dissection is healthcare, or more specifically, the uninsured rate. With regard to this, The Donald has said, “Obamacare is a disaster. It’s too expensive by far. We’re coming up with plans. And if the Supreme Court rules that Obamacare is out, we will have a plan that’s far better than Obamacare.” Of course, he never mentions what this plan or these plans are, but I digress…
Under Barack Obama, the uninsured rate decreased from 18.0% in 2012 to 10.9% in 2016, a decrease of 39.4%. As of 2018, that number had gone back up to 13.7%, an increase of 25.7%. Trump would need to see the uninsured rate drop to 6.6% if he wanted to match his predecessor’s accomplishment. This supposed master plan of his better be something; that’s all I’ll say…
Like I said at the outset, Donald Trump’s alleged positive accomplishments are nothing more than riding Barack Obama’s coattails harder than a frat brother on steroids rides a mechanical bull after doing 16 Jaegerbomb shots.
Moving on, I thought it’d be fun to capture the before-mentioned findings in a debate format. Here we go…
Brokaw: “Good evening, and welcome to the first ever debate between a former and current president, where we’ll find out once and for all who deserves credit for what. I’m Tom Brokaw. Let’s begin. President Trump, your opening statement.”
Trump: “Not guilty.”
Brokaw: “Pardon?”
Trump: “I plead not guilty, your honor.”
Brokaw: “This is a debate, not a trial. Isn’t there anything you’d like to say in your opening remarks?”
Trump: “I just did and it was the best opening remarks in the history of debate trial thingies.”
Brokaw: “Which was what?”
Trump: “Not guilty.”
Brokaw: “Is that your final answer?”
Trump: “Can I phone a friend?”
Brokaw: “You have a friend?”
Trump: “Okay, yes, that is my final answer.”
Brokaw: “Very well. President Obama, would you care to make an opening statement?”
Obama: “Yes, I would. Everything that Trump claims he’s accomplished, I built that.”
Brokaw: “Is that all?”
Obama: “That’s everything.”
Brokaw: “So what’s the point of the this debate then?”
Obama: “You tell me.”
Trump: “Ratings. Yuge, big league, tremendous ratings.”
Brokaw: “Mr. Trump, it wasn’t your turn to speak.”
Trump: “Oh, didn’t I buzz in? What are yuge, big league, tremendous ratings, Alex?”
Brokaw: “This isn’t Jeopardy.”
Trump: “Geo… What’s that?”
Obama: “It’s a game show where…”
Brokaw: “Please don’t bother. Let’s move on to questioning. Mr. Obama, unemployment rates of all demographics went up initially under you before coming back down. How do you explain that fluctuation?”
Obama: “Well, as you know, Tom, I was handed a recession - the largest one since the Great Depression. So of course unemployment rates went up during that time. Fortunately, we were able to slow it, before eventually bringing it to a complete halt, and then rebounded to where we are today.”
Brokaw: “Mr. Trump, would you care to respond?”
Trump: “Yeah, everything he just said is bullshit.”
Brokaw: “Even about the recession?”
Trump: “He started it.”
Brokaw: “He wasn’t president when it started.”
Trump: “Fake news. Fake recession.”
Brokaw: “You just said Obama was the reason behind the recession starting in the first place. How could that be the case if it never happened? Which is it?”
Trump: “Both.”
Brokaw: “Let’s move on to something else… Mr. Trump, you’ve often taken credit for the stock market, but those numbers had been increasing since even before you entered office. So why should you receive the bulk of the credit for this?”
Trump: “Good question, Tom. Look - I got elected and the numbers started going up. It’s really as simple as that.”
Brokaw: “What about when the numbers have gone down during your term?”
Trump: “That was because of someone else.”
Brokaw: “Who?”
Trump: “Some guy.”
Brokaw: “Whose name is…?”
Trump: “I don’t know… Bob.”
Brokaw: “Bob who?”
Trump: “What’s with all these gotcha questions from the fake news liberal lamestream media? Fine, it’s Bob.”
Brokaw: “So, let me see if I’ve got this straight here. When stocks go up, it’s always because of you, and when they go down, it’s because of a guy named Bob Bob?”
Trump: “That’s correct.”
Brokaw: “Mr. Obama, would you care to respond?”
Obama: “No, I think I’m good.”
Brokaw: “Mr. Obama, the current administration has attempted to sabotage the Affordable Care Act at every possible turn. How has that made you feel?”
Obama: “Look - I know the ACA wasn’t perfect, but It was a step in the right direction. Millions of people who had previously been without healthcare were able to get insured, regardless of preexisting conditions. If the current administration is able to build upon that to help lower the uninsured rate even more, then great, but to this point, I’ve yet to see any evidence of that.”
Brokaw: “Mr. Trump?”
Trump: “Yes?”
Brokaw: “Would you care to respond?”
Trump: “To what?”
Brokaw: “To what President Obama just said about the Affordable Care Act?”
Trump: “What’s that? …and I’m president.”
Brokaw: “Obamacare.”
Trump: “It’s horrible, a disaster.”
Brokaw: “Is that all?”
Trump: “Yes.”
Brokaw: “Very well. President Obama, you may now give your closing remarks.”
Obama: “I don’t think I need to say much. Everything positive Trump takes credit for, I built that. He couldn’t build a grammatically-correct sentence even with CliffNotes staring him in the face.”
Brokaw: “President Trump, you may now go…”
Trump: “Go where?”
Brokaw: “You may now go provide us with your closing statement.”
Trump: “Hamberders with a side of covfefe. The prostitution rests.”
Brokaw: “Are you…? Whatever… That’s all the time we have for today. I hope you learned something and I sincerely hope we never have to do this again. Goodnight.”
From Snark to Finish
For my From Snark to Finish segment this week, I thought I’d recreate Barack Obama’s you-didn’t-build-that quote in the eyes and voice of Donald Trump.
“There are a few wealthy, successful people out there, but no one is as rich or successful as me. I know I, look - I got there on my own. I mean, sure, my dad gave me a few bucks, but if he didn’t give me that billion, I would have done everything myself, all by myself. I’m always struck by people who think it must be because I’m so smart or it must be because I worked harder than everybody else. Well, I did and I am, or vibe verba or whatever.
If you was successful, you know, like me, you was always successful. Except for billions from your dad, you don’t need nothing from nobody. Now, believe it or not, I was born with five Th.D’s and $45 billion. That’s how you do it, folks. You fall out of your momma’s hole with loads of cash, spray tan, and degrees. That’s how you do it. If you got a business, I built that. If you got an Internet thingy, I built that. If you got a trade war with Jiiina, I… Obama built that.”
The point is, if anyone succeeds, it’s because of me, and chances are it is me. I do everything myself. The only time I work with anyone else is when it’s with me, myself, and I, well, and maybe Putin and Ivanka. This is even the case with firefighting. I’ve put out fires. Who needs firemen? Look, if there’s a big fire at your place, just put some water into one of those twisty turny straws, drop it on the fire, and boom, it’s out.
So, yeah, ever since the founding of this country, we do things ourselves. When Columbus came here on the El Nina, Pinata, and Santa Maria Claus, he was alone. Did you know that? He killed all those trillions of Indians by himself. It was a long time ago and he had the only AR-15 at that time. That’s why I’m against gun laws, people. This nation was founded on a drunk man on a Pinata with an AR-15. Period. Goo-Goo it. So, when someone tells you that you should do something with someone else, tell them to bugger off. Capische? Well, unless the doing something with someone else includes hush money to a porn star. That I can get on board with. Bigly.”
That’s it for today’s episode. I’ll see you again next week. Until then, check me out on PodBean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogpsot. This has been I Feel Snitty with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.
Episode 8: "Don Didn't Build That!"
Premiere Date: 9/4/19
Length: 19:45 (2,992 words)
Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/don-didnt-build-that/
Transcript:
Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 8, entitled, “Don Didn’t Build That.” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki. Today I’ll be dissecting Donald Trump’s seemingly constant self-praise, proving once and for all the claims he makes on his alleged positive accomplishments are nothing more than riding Barack Obama’s coattails harder than a frat brother on steroids rides a mechanical bull after doing 16 Jaegerbomb shots.
I’ll start each dissection with a quote made by Trump pertaining to the category at hand, starting with the unemployment rate.
Trump once said, “And when we got those great reports, I kept saying, you know, those numbers - whether it’s 4.2, 4.3 - I said for a long time they don’t matter. But now I accept those numbers very proudly. I say they do matter. But we’re doing very well with companies. We’re really moving along.”
When President Obama took office in January of 2009, the unemployment rate was at 7.8% and moving in the wrong direction. It reached a high of 10.0% in October of 2010. By the time Obama left office, the rate had decreased to 4.7%, a decrease of 53.0%. As reported in August of this year, the unemployment rate was at 3.7%, a decrease of 21.3%. In order for Trump to match Obama in this category, the unemployment rate would need to shrink to 2.2%, which is less likely than a tortoise winning a race in a sequel to the story - this one entitled, “The Tortoise and the Cheetah.”
Up next on the slate is job creation, to which Trump has said, “Me and my administration have launched an unprecedented economic boom. Our country is vibrant and our economy is thriving like never before.”
When President Obama took the reigns from George W. Bush in 2009, he was handed the 12th consecutive month of job losses. 783,000 jobs were lost in January of that year alone and 4.348 million combined jobs were lost in those 12 months, an average of 362,333 per. In Barack Obama’s final 30 months as president, 6.611 million jobs were created, an average of 220,367 per month. Donald Trump’s first 30 months in office? 5.736 million jobs were created or 191,200 per month. In addition to that, leading up to Trump’s inauguration, if we include the month of January, in which Obama was president for roughly two-thirds of it, Donald Trump was handed 76 consecutive months of job growth, which added up to 15.322 million, or 201,605 per month. So not only did President Obama average to create approximately 30,000 more jobs per month in his final 30 months than Trump did in his first 30, he averaged to create about 10,000 more jobs than Trump over the span of his final 76 months, compared to Trump’s first 30. This was coming on the heels of the worst recession since the Great Depression. When Barack Obama entered the Oval Office being handed a literal lemon for an automobile. When Donald Trump entered office, he was handed a Ferrari, only to say he turned a lemon into a Ferrari.
Up next? Manufacturing jobs. During his campaign and throughout his first term, Donald Trump has declared that he’s going to bring manufacturing jobs back. As he himself said, “We’re most proud of the fact - you look at the car companies, they’re moving back, they’re going into Michigan, they’re going into Pennsylvania, they’re going back to Ohio, so many companies are coming back.”
The fact of the matter is manufacturing jobs had been on the decline even since before the recession. There were 14.213 million manufacturing jobs in this country as of June, 2006. We then went through 44 consecutive months of job losses on that front, 31 before Barack Obama was even inaugurated. In those 31 months of job losses preceding Obama, that totaled 1.652 million manufacturing jobs. In the 13 months post-Obama, during the recession, we lost another 1.108 million. On average, that’s a loss of 53,290 and 85,231 manufacturing jobs per month, respectively. When the skid stopped, we found ourselves at 11.453 million manufacturing jobs. But like with the rest of the economy, things began to bounce back in a positive direction under Obama, as he added 915,000 manufacturing jobs after February, 2010, an average of 11,159 per month. Also, after experiencing 44 consecutive months of losses, under Obama, we went on to see growth in the sector in 64 of his final 82 months as president (78.0%). Through July of this year, 496,000 manufacturing jobs have been added under Donald Trump, an average of 16,533 per month. So if we look at how things improved from the peak of the recession, the increase of manufacturing jobs under Obama increased by 113.1%, whereas they increased by 48.2% under Trump. Trump would need to increase the monthly job output in this sector to 23,779.8 in order to match his predecessor. The way things have been trending over the past 13+ years, I’ll win the lottery before that happens.
If there’s one thing Donald Trump likes to talk about more than jobs and unemployment rate, it’s the stock market. He’s even gone so far as to say, and this is a direct quote, “The reason our stock market is so successful is because of me.” If nothing else, he certainly is modest…
On October 9th of 2007, the Dow Jones was at 14,164.53. Then the recession happened. At its peak, on March 6th of 2009, the Dow was at 6,469.95. It had gone down a staggering 53.3% in less than a year and a half. Under President Obama, however, things turned around and in a big way, as on the day he left office, it had increased an incredible 206.5%, to 19,827.25. As of August 30th of this year, the Dow was at 26,403.28, an increase of 33.2% since Obama left the White House. In order for Trump to match Obama here, he’d have to see the Dow increase to, get this, 60,770.50. Allow me to repeat that. Donald Trump loves taking credit for the stock market. He’s even said he’s the reason it’s so successful. In order for him to reach the same level of success in the stock market as Barack Obama did, he’d have to see it increase from 26,403.28 to 60,770.50. I’m not even sure God dressed up as a wizard could work that kind of magic.
Trump has also taken credit for lower unemployment rates among African-, Hispanic-, and Asian-Americans. With regard to these demographics and rates, he’s said all of the following: “The unemployment of African-Americans is the lowest, best in the history of the United States. No president has come close to doing this before.,” Hispanic-American unemployment has also reached the lowest levels in history,” and “The Asian-American community has never been stronger than under president Trump’s leadership. Millions of Asian-Americans have secured access to the strongest economy in modern history, with the Asian-American unemployment rate hitting a record low under the leadership of President Trump.” Okay, so a Trump spokesperson actually uttered that last quote, but I just wanted to bust out the Trump impression again and I wanted listeners to envision the president speaking in the third person yet again, at least for a moment.
As is typical of anyone in this administration, Trump and his spokesperson only tell part of the story here. At the height of the recession, African-American unemployment was at 16.8%, Hispanic unemployment was at 12.9%, and Asian-American unemployment was at 8.4%. When Obama left office, those numbers were 7.7%, 5.8%, and 3.7%, respectively - decreases of 54.2%, 55.0%, and 56.0%. The current unemployment numbers for those communities are 6.0% for African-Americans, a decrease of 22.1%; 4.5% for Hispanics, a decrease of 22.4%; and 2.8% for Asian-Americans, a decrease of 24.3%. In order for Trump to match Obama with these demographics, he’d need to see unemployment rates decrease to 3.5%, 2.6%, and 1.6%. Yeah, as soon as I see a pig named Crispy Bacon fly, that’s when I’ll believe those numbers are achievable.
Food stamps is another divisive issue among Trump and his minions. They tend to like to blame Obama for a rise in food stamp recipients, glossing past the fact said numbers exponentially increased due to the recession. Regarding the topic, Trump has said, “The food stamp program was originally created as temporary assistance for families with momentary times of need and it shouldn’t be needed often. But when half of food stamp recipients have been on the dole for nearly a decade, something is clearly wrong, and some of it has to do with fraud.”
Food stamp recipients increased from 33.490 million in 2009 to 47.636 million in 2013. Once we started rebounding from the recession, however, as logic would dictate, fewer people were in need of food stamps. In each of Barack Obama’s final four years in office, we saw a decreased number in food stamp recipients. By the time he left office, we were down to 42.173 million such recipients, a decrease of 11.5% since the peak of the recession. That number has since decreased an additional 6.0% since Trump took over, as we’re now down to 39.652 million. He’d need to decrease that to 37.323 million if he wants to match Obama. This is probably the most doable of the 9 categories I have or will dissect. However, given Trump’s track record on positive accomplishments, I wouldn’t even place a penny-bet on him doing so here.
Lastly in my Trump-accomplishment-claims dissection is healthcare, or more specifically, the uninsured rate. With regard to this, The Donald has said, “Obamacare is a disaster. It’s too expensive by far. We’re coming up with plans. And if the Supreme Court rules that Obamacare is out, we will have a plan that’s far better than Obamacare.” Of course, he never mentions what this plan or these plans are, but I digress…
Under Barack Obama, the uninsured rate decreased from 18.0% in 2012 to 10.9% in 2016, a decrease of 39.4%. As of 2018, that number had gone back up to 13.7%, an increase of 25.7%. Trump would need to see the uninsured rate drop to 6.6% if he wanted to match his predecessor’s accomplishment. This supposed master plan of his better be something; that’s all I’ll say…
Like I said at the outset, Donald Trump’s alleged positive accomplishments are nothing more than riding Barack Obama’s coattails harder than a frat brother on steroids rides a mechanical bull after doing 16 Jaegerbomb shots.
Moving on, I thought it’d be fun to capture the before-mentioned findings in a debate format. Here we go…
Brokaw: “Good evening, and welcome to the first ever debate between a former and current president, where we’ll find out once and for all who deserves credit for what. I’m Tom Brokaw. Let’s begin. President Trump, your opening statement.”
Trump: “Not guilty.”
Brokaw: “Pardon?”
Trump: “I plead not guilty, your honor.”
Brokaw: “This is a debate, not a trial. Isn’t there anything you’d like to say in your opening remarks?”
Trump: “I just did and it was the best opening remarks in the history of debate trial thingies.”
Brokaw: “Which was what?”
Trump: “Not guilty.”
Brokaw: “Is that your final answer?”
Trump: “Can I phone a friend?”
Brokaw: “You have a friend?”
Trump: “Okay, yes, that is my final answer.”
Brokaw: “Very well. President Obama, would you care to make an opening statement?”
Obama: “Yes, I would. Everything that Trump claims he’s accomplished, I built that.”
Brokaw: “Is that all?”
Obama: “That’s everything.”
Brokaw: “So what’s the point of the this debate then?”
Obama: “You tell me.”
Trump: “Ratings. Yuge, big league, tremendous ratings.”
Brokaw: “Mr. Trump, it wasn’t your turn to speak.”
Trump: “Oh, didn’t I buzz in? What are yuge, big league, tremendous ratings, Alex?”
Brokaw: “This isn’t Jeopardy.”
Trump: “Geo… What’s that?”
Obama: “It’s a game show where…”
Brokaw: “Please don’t bother. Let’s move on to questioning. Mr. Obama, unemployment rates of all demographics went up initially under you before coming back down. How do you explain that fluctuation?”
Obama: “Well, as you know, Tom, I was handed a recession - the largest one since the Great Depression. So of course unemployment rates went up during that time. Fortunately, we were able to slow it, before eventually bringing it to a complete halt, and then rebounded to where we are today.”
Brokaw: “Mr. Trump, would you care to respond?”
Trump: “Yeah, everything he just said is bullshit.”
Brokaw: “Even about the recession?”
Trump: “He started it.”
Brokaw: “He wasn’t president when it started.”
Trump: “Fake news. Fake recession.”
Brokaw: “You just said Obama was the reason behind the recession starting in the first place. How could that be the case if it never happened? Which is it?”
Trump: “Both.”
Brokaw: “Let’s move on to something else… Mr. Trump, you’ve often taken credit for the stock market, but those numbers had been increasing since even before you entered office. So why should you receive the bulk of the credit for this?”
Trump: “Good question, Tom. Look - I got elected and the numbers started going up. It’s really as simple as that.”
Brokaw: “What about when the numbers have gone down during your term?”
Trump: “That was because of someone else.”
Brokaw: “Who?”
Trump: “Some guy.”
Brokaw: “Whose name is…?”
Trump: “I don’t know… Bob.”
Brokaw: “Bob who?”
Trump: “What’s with all these gotcha questions from the fake news liberal lamestream media? Fine, it’s Bob.”
Brokaw: “So, let me see if I’ve got this straight here. When stocks go up, it’s always because of you, and when they go down, it’s because of a guy named Bob Bob?”
Trump: “That’s correct.”
Brokaw: “Mr. Obama, would you care to respond?”
Obama: “No, I think I’m good.”
Brokaw: “Mr. Obama, the current administration has attempted to sabotage the Affordable Care Act at every possible turn. How has that made you feel?”
Obama: “Look - I know the ACA wasn’t perfect, but It was a step in the right direction. Millions of people who had previously been without healthcare were able to get insured, regardless of preexisting conditions. If the current administration is able to build upon that to help lower the uninsured rate even more, then great, but to this point, I’ve yet to see any evidence of that.”
Brokaw: “Mr. Trump?”
Trump: “Yes?”
Brokaw: “Would you care to respond?”
Trump: “To what?”
Brokaw: “To what President Obama just said about the Affordable Care Act?”
Trump: “What’s that? …and I’m president.”
Brokaw: “Obamacare.”
Trump: “It’s horrible, a disaster.”
Brokaw: “Is that all?”
Trump: “Yes.”
Brokaw: “Very well. President Obama, you may now give your closing remarks.”
Obama: “I don’t think I need to say much. Everything positive Trump takes credit for, I built that. He couldn’t build a grammatically-correct sentence even with CliffNotes staring him in the face.”
Brokaw: “President Trump, you may now go…”
Trump: “Go where?”
Brokaw: “You may now go provide us with your closing statement.”
Trump: “Hamberders with a side of covfefe. The prostitution rests.”
Brokaw: “Are you…? Whatever… That’s all the time we have for today. I hope you learned something and I sincerely hope we never have to do this again. Goodnight.”
From Snark to Finish
For my From Snark to Finish segment this week, I thought I’d recreate Barack Obama’s you-didn’t-build-that quote in the eyes and voice of Donald Trump.
“There are a few wealthy, successful people out there, but no one is as rich or successful as me. I know I, look - I got there on my own. I mean, sure, my dad gave me a few bucks, but if he didn’t give me that billion, I would have done everything myself, all by myself. I’m always struck by people who think it must be because I’m so smart or it must be because I worked harder than everybody else. Well, I did and I am, or vibe verba or whatever.
If you was successful, you know, like me, you was always successful. Except for billions from your dad, you don’t need nothing from nobody. Now, believe it or not, I was born with five Th.D’s and $45 billion. That’s how you do it, folks. You fall out of your momma’s hole with loads of cash, spray tan, and degrees. That’s how you do it. If you got a business, I built that. If you got an Internet thingy, I built that. If you got a trade war with Jiiina, I… Obama built that.”
The point is, if anyone succeeds, it’s because of me, and chances are it is me. I do everything myself. The only time I work with anyone else is when it’s with me, myself, and I, well, and maybe Putin and Ivanka. This is even the case with firefighting. I’ve put out fires. Who needs firemen? Look, if there’s a big fire at your place, just put some water into one of those twisty turny straws, drop it on the fire, and boom, it’s out.
So, yeah, ever since the founding of this country, we do things ourselves. When Columbus came here on the El Nina, Pinata, and Santa Maria Claus, he was alone. Did you know that? He killed all those trillions of Indians by himself. It was a long time ago and he had the only AR-15 at that time. That’s why I’m against gun laws, people. This nation was founded on a drunk man on a Pinata with an AR-15. Period. Goo-Goo it. So, when someone tells you that you should do something with someone else, tell them to bugger off. Capische? Well, unless the doing something with someone else includes hush money to a porn star. That I can get on board with. Bigly.”
That’s it for today’s episode. I’ll see you again next week. Until then, check me out on PodBean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogpsot. This has been I Feel Snitty with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.
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