Transcript for Podcast: "I Feel Snitty," Episode 10: "More Random Than 3 AM Trump Tweets After He Snorts Adderall"
Podcast: "I Feel Snitty"
Episode 10: "More Random Than 3 AM Trump Tweets After He Snorts Adderall"
Premiere Date: 9/18/19
Length: 8:24 (1,274 words)
Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/more-random-than-3-am-trump-tweets-after-he-snorts-adderall/
Transcript:
Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 10, entitled, “More Random Than 3 am Trump Tweets After He Snorts Adderall.” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki. As I hope the title insinuates, I’m going to mix things up a bit today. I’ve tended to focus my attention on one topic each week, but for how many comically crazy things Donald Trump and his minions have uttered over the past few days, I couldn’t resist but touch base on them all.
Let’s start with what Trump said about light bulbs at a September 12th speech in Baltimore. He said, and I quote, “People said, what’s going on with the light bulb? I said here’s the story, and I looked at it: The bulb that we’re being forced to use - No. 1, to me, most importantly, the light’s no good. I always look orange. And so do you.”
For the record, that’s not true. Trump always looks orange regardless of the light surrounding him, and unless you’re about to attend a John Boehner-look-alike-themed Senior Prom, chances are you don’t.
After hearing this ridiculous quote, light-bulb jokes immediately sprung to mind, because I’m weird like that. So here we go…
How many Trumps does it take to change a light bulb?
We’ll never know, for they refer to them as “alternative lights,” “Chinese hoaxes,” and “fake bulbs.”
What do you get when you cross a Trump with a light bulb?
Several phone calls to Home Depot.
What did the light bulb say to Donald Trump?
Why do you look so orange in the dark?
How many Donald Trumps does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one… Well, and $130,000 in hush money.
What’s the difference between a light bulb and Donald Trump?
When you turn on a bulb, it lights up the room. When you turn on Trump, the world goes dark.
I’m now going to turn my attention to what Trump said at a 9/11 press gathering, when the subject turned to vaping.
He said, “We can’t have our youth be so affected and I’m hearing it, and that’s how the First Lady got so involved. She’s got a son - together, that’s a beautiful young man, and she feels very very strongly about it.”
Smooth, isn’t he? …and did he just refer to his son as “it?” If there were ever a time to refer to someone as literally socially awkward, it’d be now. Here’s how I envision the smooth-talking Trump in the following situations…
Proposal
“Melanie…do you want to be alone together forever? Like so alone but so together? You know?”
Vows
“I vow to stay alternative true to you like I was with my first two First Ladies, but even truer, like I wasn’t at all with them. So I might be true to you, let’s say once a month? I think I can do that. I think I can do that.”
Birth
“Hey! Hey! Hey! Can you stop screaming for a second?!? I have to ask you something. I’m not asking this to upset you, but the baby coming out of you right now, are you sure it’s yours? Like 100%?”
Moving on… Trump posted this tweet on Sunday: “Brett Kavanaugh should start suing people for liable, or the Justice Department should come to his rescue.” I think he meant “libel,” but regardless, let’s hold Trump liable for his seemingly constant misspellings and mispronunciations. I’m going to now combine ten such words in three sentences, starting now…
“The smocking gun here is unpresidented. My beautiful wife, Melanie, should file a liable suit against that anomalous guy for wrongly saying she said the oranges of the word hamberder was covfefe. He would loose bigly and we’d finally have world peach.”
If that weren’t enough, on Monday Trump went on a Twitter tirade against Obama, where he said the following:
“House Judiciary has given up on the Mueller Report, sadly for them after two years and $40,000,000 spent - ZERO COLLUSION, ZERO OBSTRUCTION. So they say, OK, lets look at everything else, and all of the deals that ‘Trump’ has done over his lifetime. But it doesn’t work that way.”
“I have a better idea. Look at the Obama Book Deal, or the ridiculous Netflix deal. Then look at all the deals made by the Dems in Congress, the ‘Congressional Slush Fund,’ and lastly the IG Reports. Take a look at them. Those investigations would be over FAST!”
Really? The Obama-Netflix deal? Jealous much? Maybe it’s because he’s more intelligent, more attractive, more popular…whatever it is, Obama gets under Trump’s already thin skin more than anyone else. Trump’s obviously jealous. He’s so jealous of his predecessor, in fact, I’m going to now roast him with some yo-mama-esque “You-so-jealous jokes.”
Donnie, you so jealous, every Thanksgiving you order a kid to make a hand turkey drawing and write Obama above it so you can think you have larger hands than him.
Donnie, you so jealous, you want etched on your tombstone, “The First and Only Washington Monument President.”
Donnie, you so jealous, whenever you see or hear the number 44, you repeatedly blurt out, “Fake number!”
Donnie, you so jealous, whenever you cross paths with someone reading Dreams From My Father, you tap the person on the shoulder and say, “You know what’s worth more than dreams? Billions.”
Donnie, you so jealous, when you hear about Barack and Michelle spending quality time with their daughters, you think to yourself, “So what?!? I want to bang one of mine!” Wait, no, that’s not jealousy. That’s just sick.
Now back by popular demand is self-renowned psychic Mike “Biggy” Fraud, or Renaldo as he likes to be called for some reason. Vice President Mike Pence recently claimed that Triple Crown Winner American Pharoah bit him last year. The horse’s manager has responded by saying that’s not true. Regardless, Renaldo is now going to tell us about similar claims Pence will make in the future. Renaldo, the floor is yours…
Thank you and thanks for having me back. I’m Mike “Biggy” Fraud, or as it says on my Fake ID, Renaldo. So Mike Pence says a horse bit him last year. I can tell you for a fact that’s not true. In any case, here are similar claims he’s going to make in the future:
Mike Pence will claim that…
- …a sloth head-butted him.
- …a St. Bernard-Shih Tzu mix, or Saint Shit, chased his tail.
- …a cow milked him. Twice.
- …King Kong wrestled him.
- …Godzilla challenged him to a thumb-war and lost.
- …a penguin flew right into him and gave him a concussion.
- …a hippo fat-shamed him.
- …a T-Rex arm-wrestled him.
- …an emu screwed him on insurance.
- …a moth stole his wife’s name of mother.
Thank you, Renaldo. For my From Snark to Finish segment this week, Democratic frontrunner Joe Biden recently told a story about a gangster nicknamed “Corn Pop.” Due to that, I decided to concoct a Top Ten List of awful gangster nicknames. So, here we go… Here are the Top Ten Worst Nicknames For a Gangster. That’s Top Ten Worst Nicknames For a Gangster.
10. Lady Bugsy
9. Diary of a Wimpy Gangsta
8. G-Spot
7. The Godfather…if no one else is available
6. Frosted Flake
5. Unlucky Charm
4. Squirt Gun Kelly
3. Snuggles
2. Tickle-Me-Al Capone
1. …and the #1 worst nickname for a gangster… (drumroll) Tim Tebow
That’s it for today’s episode. I’ll see you again next week. Until then, check me out on PodBean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogpsot. This has been I Feel Snitty with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.
Episode 10: "More Random Than 3 AM Trump Tweets After He Snorts Adderall"
Premiere Date: 9/18/19
Length: 8:24 (1,274 words)
Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/more-random-than-3-am-trump-tweets-after-he-snorts-adderall/
Transcript:
Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 10, entitled, “More Random Than 3 am Trump Tweets After He Snorts Adderall.” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki. As I hope the title insinuates, I’m going to mix things up a bit today. I’ve tended to focus my attention on one topic each week, but for how many comically crazy things Donald Trump and his minions have uttered over the past few days, I couldn’t resist but touch base on them all.
Let’s start with what Trump said about light bulbs at a September 12th speech in Baltimore. He said, and I quote, “People said, what’s going on with the light bulb? I said here’s the story, and I looked at it: The bulb that we’re being forced to use - No. 1, to me, most importantly, the light’s no good. I always look orange. And so do you.”
For the record, that’s not true. Trump always looks orange regardless of the light surrounding him, and unless you’re about to attend a John Boehner-look-alike-themed Senior Prom, chances are you don’t.
After hearing this ridiculous quote, light-bulb jokes immediately sprung to mind, because I’m weird like that. So here we go…
How many Trumps does it take to change a light bulb?
We’ll never know, for they refer to them as “alternative lights,” “Chinese hoaxes,” and “fake bulbs.”
What do you get when you cross a Trump with a light bulb?
Several phone calls to Home Depot.
What did the light bulb say to Donald Trump?
Why do you look so orange in the dark?
How many Donald Trumps does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one… Well, and $130,000 in hush money.
What’s the difference between a light bulb and Donald Trump?
When you turn on a bulb, it lights up the room. When you turn on Trump, the world goes dark.
I’m now going to turn my attention to what Trump said at a 9/11 press gathering, when the subject turned to vaping.
He said, “We can’t have our youth be so affected and I’m hearing it, and that’s how the First Lady got so involved. She’s got a son - together, that’s a beautiful young man, and she feels very very strongly about it.”
Smooth, isn’t he? …and did he just refer to his son as “it?” If there were ever a time to refer to someone as literally socially awkward, it’d be now. Here’s how I envision the smooth-talking Trump in the following situations…
Proposal
“Melanie…do you want to be alone together forever? Like so alone but so together? You know?”
Vows
“I vow to stay alternative true to you like I was with my first two First Ladies, but even truer, like I wasn’t at all with them. So I might be true to you, let’s say once a month? I think I can do that. I think I can do that.”
Birth
“Hey! Hey! Hey! Can you stop screaming for a second?!? I have to ask you something. I’m not asking this to upset you, but the baby coming out of you right now, are you sure it’s yours? Like 100%?”
Moving on… Trump posted this tweet on Sunday: “Brett Kavanaugh should start suing people for liable, or the Justice Department should come to his rescue.” I think he meant “libel,” but regardless, let’s hold Trump liable for his seemingly constant misspellings and mispronunciations. I’m going to now combine ten such words in three sentences, starting now…
“The smocking gun here is unpresidented. My beautiful wife, Melanie, should file a liable suit against that anomalous guy for wrongly saying she said the oranges of the word hamberder was covfefe. He would loose bigly and we’d finally have world peach.”
If that weren’t enough, on Monday Trump went on a Twitter tirade against Obama, where he said the following:
“House Judiciary has given up on the Mueller Report, sadly for them after two years and $40,000,000 spent - ZERO COLLUSION, ZERO OBSTRUCTION. So they say, OK, lets look at everything else, and all of the deals that ‘Trump’ has done over his lifetime. But it doesn’t work that way.”
“I have a better idea. Look at the Obama Book Deal, or the ridiculous Netflix deal. Then look at all the deals made by the Dems in Congress, the ‘Congressional Slush Fund,’ and lastly the IG Reports. Take a look at them. Those investigations would be over FAST!”
Really? The Obama-Netflix deal? Jealous much? Maybe it’s because he’s more intelligent, more attractive, more popular…whatever it is, Obama gets under Trump’s already thin skin more than anyone else. Trump’s obviously jealous. He’s so jealous of his predecessor, in fact, I’m going to now roast him with some yo-mama-esque “You-so-jealous jokes.”
Donnie, you so jealous, every Thanksgiving you order a kid to make a hand turkey drawing and write Obama above it so you can think you have larger hands than him.
Donnie, you so jealous, you want etched on your tombstone, “The First and Only Washington Monument President.”
Donnie, you so jealous, whenever you see or hear the number 44, you repeatedly blurt out, “Fake number!”
Donnie, you so jealous, whenever you cross paths with someone reading Dreams From My Father, you tap the person on the shoulder and say, “You know what’s worth more than dreams? Billions.”
Donnie, you so jealous, when you hear about Barack and Michelle spending quality time with their daughters, you think to yourself, “So what?!? I want to bang one of mine!” Wait, no, that’s not jealousy. That’s just sick.
Now back by popular demand is self-renowned psychic Mike “Biggy” Fraud, or Renaldo as he likes to be called for some reason. Vice President Mike Pence recently claimed that Triple Crown Winner American Pharoah bit him last year. The horse’s manager has responded by saying that’s not true. Regardless, Renaldo is now going to tell us about similar claims Pence will make in the future. Renaldo, the floor is yours…
Thank you and thanks for having me back. I’m Mike “Biggy” Fraud, or as it says on my Fake ID, Renaldo. So Mike Pence says a horse bit him last year. I can tell you for a fact that’s not true. In any case, here are similar claims he’s going to make in the future:
Mike Pence will claim that…
- …a sloth head-butted him.
- …a St. Bernard-Shih Tzu mix, or Saint Shit, chased his tail.
- …a cow milked him. Twice.
- …King Kong wrestled him.
- …Godzilla challenged him to a thumb-war and lost.
- …a penguin flew right into him and gave him a concussion.
- …a hippo fat-shamed him.
- …a T-Rex arm-wrestled him.
- …an emu screwed him on insurance.
- …a moth stole his wife’s name of mother.
Thank you, Renaldo. For my From Snark to Finish segment this week, Democratic frontrunner Joe Biden recently told a story about a gangster nicknamed “Corn Pop.” Due to that, I decided to concoct a Top Ten List of awful gangster nicknames. So, here we go… Here are the Top Ten Worst Nicknames For a Gangster. That’s Top Ten Worst Nicknames For a Gangster.
10. Lady Bugsy
9. Diary of a Wimpy Gangsta
8. G-Spot
7. The Godfather…if no one else is available
6. Frosted Flake
5. Unlucky Charm
4. Squirt Gun Kelly
3. Snuggles
2. Tickle-Me-Al Capone
1. …and the #1 worst nickname for a gangster… (drumroll) Tim Tebow
That’s it for today’s episode. I’ll see you again next week. Until then, check me out on PodBean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogpsot. This has been I Feel Snitty with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.
Comments
Post a Comment